3 year old day 2, should we give up?

[Hedgehogbrown]

Hi,
We are potty training our 3 year old and it's really not working. Everyone told us to wait until he decides himself and it should be easy which I think now is a crock of shit. He is an intelligent boy and understands the concept. I wrote a list of what would happen and he reads it and understands. He has hyperlexia so he can fully read but he's not great at telling us his needs day to day. Not massively connected to his bodily functions either, although he's got a book on the human body and is reciting the excretory system page so understands on an interlectual level.

He just holds it in. He sits on the potty or toilet without too much fuss but could sit there all day, then he reaches crisis point and just wees on the floor. All the nappies are hidden, and he's been having undies or bare bum. We are trying to get him to the potty in time when he wees but haven't managed it. All that is happening is we are causing him to piss himself four times a day. We went to the park this morning for an Easter egg hunt and he weed himself twice. The second time he put his hands to his head and looked like he was in despair.

I don't want to spend the week doing nothing but staring at his arse, waiting for a poo to come out, only to give up and find He will be ready in a few months, and then feel bad for putting him through this. I also don't want to give up if he is just going to be like this no matter how old he is, and we should crack it now.

He doesn't respond to rewards. He doesn't like wearing himself but not enough to tell us.

Help! What can we do? At what point is this method supposed to work?

He’s 3, which in my opinion is far too old to be in nappies, assuming he’s no extra needs. Mine are in their 20’s now, but it was common for them to be trained by 18ths/2yrs.
Being dry at night is a different matter - I believe hormone related.
You’ve just got to stick with it, keep clothes on so he gets wet and uncomfortable that’ll encourage him to notice when he needs to go. If youre going out and it’d be impractical, pull ups on top of pants so he still gets the cold/wet feeling. Be prepared to do extra washing, but at 3 he should have the hang of it pretty quick, hopefully by next weekend. Keep at it!

You could try doing what I did with my youngest. From about 18 months old I took the nappy off at home (granted all my floors are tiles or wood, so no big deal) and once she was reliably going a couple of hours with no accidents started going out for short times like walking the dog with no nappy, then supermarket trips or trips to the park where there are more distractions which built up to dropping the nappies altogether. My opinion is it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
A top tip I would give is encourage them to go to the toilet/potty at the same time as you. My two year old still holds her wee so I make a performance of “oh I need a wee wee, will you come with me” and more times than not she will sit on the potty and do one herself.

hyperlexic is often associated with autism so the usual tech might not work easily.
most toddlers show interest between 18-22 months (watching mommy or daddy pee) you’ve waited a bit long for a NT child.
That aside, see if he’ll pee in the back yard on a tree, on a bush or snail. Peeing outdoors on stuff is often more fun for boys. No yard no problem, in the tub aim for the drain.

What have you done up until now @Hedgehogbrown? From age 2, we had the potty in the toy box, and another in the bathrooms and in the kitchen. We had 4 or 5, and one in the car. We had phasesnof trying to train with absolutely no interest throughout that summer, from April until September and I began to despair as it would be harder in the winter.

At exactly 2 years 8 months as we got dressed he piped up, "no nappy, want pants". Pants it was and we had to go to the supermarket. I was not hopeful and packed spare clothes. As we arrived at the queue "need wee wee". We abandoned the trolley and off we went. Bingo. Thankfully the trolley was still there whe we got back. That was it. But it was preceded by none months of groundwork.

Keep going.

We've had the potty around for a year, I take him to the toilet with me and tell him what I'm doing. We would periodically sit him on every now and again. He gets his nappy changed in the bathroom and his poo gets plopped in the toilet. When I've had a shower with him I say he can wee if he wants, but he doesn't. We also tried in December with rewards and he was happy to sit on but wouldn't wee. He got a new sibling in late December, before that we moved house.

Some people think I should persist with the cold turkey and others are telling me he will get it in the end with the gentle slower method. I'm so confused. He definitely doesn't tell us when he wants to go or even when he's done it.

There's no one size fits all method - what do you think will work best for your child? It sounds like you're already very proactive with it.

I think everyone replying is unanimous in saying though, the longer you wait the more attached to nappies they get. There'll be a tough window regardless of when you do it, and it's just how to navigate that is different per family.

Personally I would plough on with cold turkey. It was several days before DS2 had a successful wee on the potty! Then he finally got the hang of it. It's worth the pain IMO to get it over and done with. But don't expect too much too soon.

Edited to add: but I agree with pp that there's no 'right' and 'wrong' way. That's why you're getting a mixture of responses. It's your decision at the end of the day.

He’s had some big life changes - give yourself grace (as well as him).

You can get colour changing stickers to go in the potty which change when wet, or little things to put in a loo for him to aim at - not sure if they would work in a potty. Would he consider that more of a game?

@Hedgehogbrown You've just said "He definitely doesn't tell us when he wants to go or even when he's done it." but I wanted to highlight that this comes for most kids when you start potty training. It's the training that teaches them what it feels like and why they should care, well before they figure out how to plan in advance what to do to avoid being uncomfortable.

Whatever method you choose, potty training is something like 50 different mini skills he has to put all together - have you had a look at the ERIC website? That might help put into perspective what he's trying to do.

4 accidents on day 1 is actually bad. It will be like that for about a week.

I also have an autistic son who is hyperlexic. I think you should keep going as the longer he wees in a nappy the more entrenched that will be and the harder to change.

My son also has very little urge to wee until it is coming out and can hold for hours. We set a timer every 2 hours and when it went off it was the “wee alarm”. This worked as I wasn’t me telling him to wee, it was the clock! We had to do this for a year pretty much, he couldn’t recognise his body signals at all so it took a year for him to learn! Though he only had accidents for the first 4 weeks or so, then he was fine with the alarm reminders.

Poo goes to pooland was helpful. As was weeing standing up trying to hit a Cheerio in the loo!

Keep going. Sounds like he is very bright, given the hyperlexia.
It’s just another process that he needs to learn and repetition could just be the key for him. how do you think he will learn best?
There are so many methods out there and it’s. Its not a one size fits all. You know best how his brain works.
My opinion, given what you have said. I get the impression that repetition will work. I wouldn’t usually recommend frequent taking with most children, but I would say try every 30mins, a minute sat on the potty, neutral and calm. “ oh you haven’t done one this time, we’ll come back and try again soon”
Pants and trousers on, he can help change himself and pop the clothes in the wash with you when there’s accidents. This will help to see that it’s quite inconvenient for him to do all that every time and it might encourage him to let it go on the toilet/potty. Again neutral language, “oh there’s wee in your trousers, let me help you get sorted. Let’s try to get it on the toilet next time”

I think it's very unusual for potty training to be done in 2 days whatever age your train at. Mine both took about 5 days before any progress.

I also get that in an ideal world you focus exclusively on potty training (did DC1 during lockdown) but that's not always possible (DC2 had to fit around things like school runs). It's not the end of the world to have to fit potty training around other things and use the odd nappy, it can make it take longer but doesn't make it impossible.

The best advice I got was don’t ask them if they need a wee. Tell them it’s time to go for a wee.
It works. - kids have FOMO. Ask them they will say no- telling then reminds them that they probably need a wee.

Also try blowing bubbles on the loo- helps relax. Once you crack that first wee on the potty or loo it will be better from there.

I think most parents have felt like throwing the potty in the bin in despair in the first week!

I don’t like Oh Crap. I used ChatGPT 😂 It suggested using the phrase ‘listen to your body.’ So if they have a wee on the floor or whatever stay calm, just say ‘wee goes in the potty!’ and move on.

You’ll be fine. Either way is OK. Just try to stay positive and encouraging, be kind to your DS and yourself and keep going.