Struggling to potty train almost 4 year old

[SaltySpitoon]

Hi all. DS will be 4 in June and we are tearing our hair out trying to potty train him. We have tried several times over the past year and used several different methods (going cold turkey from nappies, bribing with chocolate/sweets/toys, taking to the toilet every half an hour etc) and nothing has worked. He either gets distressed and starts crying and says no, or he just shows no interest! When he's wearing trousers with no nappy he doesn't even seem to notice/care that he has wet himself. He doesn't tell us that he needs the toilet. He does show interest in sitting on the toilet, flushing it, washing his hands etc but he has never actually done anything on it.

He does have a speech delay for which he's under SALT, could this possibly affect things?

I don't know if he's simply being stubborn, or whether he's genuinely not ready. I don't want to push it if it's the latter, but equally he's supposed to be starting school in September and I'm starting to feel the pressure a little. He has an older sister who was really easy to potty train and was reliably trained day and night by DSs age, but I understand all kids are different and she didn't have a speech delay.
Did anyone else have this?

Thank you ☺️

Unhelpful @SpringIsSpringing2026

OP has clearly outlined the tactics they have been trying.

Have you talked to your HV? If he’s really not ready then there may be some other issues at play, so the quicker you get the call rolling the better.

Assuming not, I think you just need to crack on. Bin then nappies, deal with each accident as it happens, and keep reinforcing what he’s supposed to be doing.

Excuse you? Did you not read the part where I said we've been trying FOR OVER A YEAR to train him? What part of that says lazy?

I would take a week off and really focus just on potty bootcamp.
Have him naked from the waist down and give him loads to drink (blackcurrant squash is good for this).
Stay in one room with a potty near by and whenever he starts to pee, get him on the potty asap to finish off on it (even if you don't get to him in time, still put him on the potty immediately).
Loads of praise/bribes.
Don't tell him off for wees on the floor but don't tell him it's ok either - 'oh dear, that wee's in the wrong place, lets clean it up together and next time we'll try to get it on the potty'.

See, DH and I both took a week off last month to do exactly this. At the end of the week we were still no further forward. He was still screaming at the mere mention of the potty and still weeing on the floor constantly. I don't know what we're doing wrong!

So agree. When we used terry nappies all children were potty trained by the age of two. I was potty trained before I could walk.

Again, can you please tell me what part of my post screams lazy? The fact we've been trying to train him for over a year? The fact that we have taken time off work to dedicate specifically to potty training?

Also, you could use a toilet before you could walk? That doesn't even make sense 🤣

Most start TT around age 2 not three certainly not 4.
Can he pee on command outside? Can you get him to aim and pee on outdoor objects? Trees?

Can people please start reading the whole post before commenting...

We have been trying for over a YEAR. So yes, we started trying to potty train when he was 2.

How much of a speech delay does he have?
Is it just speech, or is his understanding delayed too?
Any physical or social delays?

He's still in the process of being assessed etc but his speech is quite delayed, about the same level as a 2 year old. His understanding is more in line with his age but also a little behind IMO. No physical delays.

How long did you try each time? Has he been going back into nappies in between? I suspect you are going to have to push through the pain of weeks of wet pants and wet floors. Ditch potties and use the toilet by the way, he’s too old now for a potty. Some kids are harder to toilet train than others and it sounds like he has fear /anxiety around the idea. But he’s going to have to do it, it’s not really optional. Do make an appointment with the HV though for support and professional opinion.

Would you say he was generally delayed? Does he understand what is being said to him, is he able to feed himself, is he otherwise behaving in an appropriate way for his age? Has he seen his dad using the loo, because that's how my youngest trained himself.
I'm asking in case there is a pointer towards why he doesn't want to toilet train.
Edit, just saw your update.

It sounds like you’ve done all the ‘standard’ things that work for most kids.

have you spoken to nursery - have they tried? Do they have any tips? I know they say to start at home, but it might be a good idea to meet with the manager to come up with a home/nursery plan to help your little one get school ready.

depending on finance - there is a psychologist called Cleo Williamson who specialises in this area. It might be a good idea to look her up.

also speak to the SALT - they might have some ideas!

I would get the HV involved. Are nursery working on potty training with him as well? I had two late potty trainers, both I started at 2 and both were 3.5 when they just about got it. Late potty training is linked to speech delay.
Weeing in something other than a traditional potty helped with my DS, he either did it in the garden of in a little pot. I went cold Turkey with the other one and had three weeks of wee going everywhere but the potty. It was nursery that got it in the potty. One was potty trained for poos way before wees but I’ve got friends whose children easily trained for wees but not poos.
Are they dry overnight?
It is really stressful . I would recommend talking to the school he is going to as they will really want him trained and should push for you to get more help

Are you using visuals? does He know the signs in Makaton?

also let him watch you both on the loo if you
havent already.

I would speak to your HV, they may have a specialist practitioner that can come and support you in person.

Do you think it’s helpful to go on a specific potty training forum, where parents are seeking advice, to criticise them while providing zero actual advice?

At 4 he will have learnt to ignore his body's cues that he needs to go. He needs to relearn this. Does he suffer from any problems such as constipation? That can confuse the signals too. I would talk to your health visitor initially. Hopefully she will be up to date on the latest advice. You mention he has a language delay, are you able to reason with him? I mean is his understanding OK for his age? If he has good understanding I would go for a bigger bribe/incentive for filling up a small sticker chart. It has to be for something he really wants. Sticker for every success on the toilet and when he's got enough stickers he gets the toy.

I completely understand you. Mine is 4 in September and is exactly the same as yours. He's also pretty much non verbal so it's even harder. He's on the pathway for assessment now. Could there be any other issues with your son? Any sensory things going on with using the potty?

As he’s clearly very upset about the whole thing I would take a break from it altogether whilst you wait for help from HV and speak to nursery etc.

There could be other issues but at the moment you must all be very stressed with it which won’t help.

We all hear what you’re saying, but this family have been trying for over a year to teach their little boy who has some additional needs, so did it make you feel good to post like that?

Do you have issues with reading comprehension? We have been trying for OVER A YEAR to potty train. So since he was two. Again. So we haven't 'left it late to potty train' at all.

Also, it's quite odd and nasty that you would choose to go on a forum about potty training, go on a post made by someone who is quite clearly asking for help and struggling, and just be judgemental and nasty without offering any actual advice. If you're old enough to remember terry cloth nappies you're old enough to know better. Really nasty.