Almost 4 year old not potty trained - what else can I do?

[aliceisland]

My almost 4yo wets himself several times a day. Absolutely no problem with poos, perfectly trained there.

The only way to avoid this is to tell him to go to the toilet, to stand over him while he wees, At least once an hour, more ideally. When left to his own devices, he will wet himself. He can nearly always wee on command though. We just can’t physically get him to a toilet every 40 mins or so, and I also think he should be able to know himself. He does sometimes say ‘I need a wee’ but usually after he’s done most of it in his pants.

I read all the comments about how only lazy parents haven’t potty trained their children by school and once I would have agreed but I have worked SO hard on this - we’ve tried sticker charts, rewards, telling him off, taking him constantly, been to the GP (no UTI, and no interest in helping us until he’s older). At home we try no pants time, we’ve tried back to pull-ups for a bit and leave it a few weeks. I cannot think of a single thing we haven’t tried.

any advice?? I really don’t want him going to school still needing pull-ups.

Bin the pull ups, they won't help. I'd put him in pants and stop chopping and changing your methods. Have you tried a toilet seat instead of a potty?

I would take him regularly and everytime he wets himself give him as little attention as possible. Remain silent if you can, and give him clean pants to change himself. Have a bucket with a lid and get him to put his wet pants in it. Persevere.

Almost 4 is still quite young. I was glad my dc was an autumn baby because that extra year made a huge difference and by 4 and a half there were no accidents.

The bing episode about the toilet train helped quite a bit because our issue was mainly being too absorbed in play to want to stop.

Oh we don’t use potties at all, he’s fine on the toilet, usually wees standing up. We don’t use pull ups except at night, although nursery do if he has 4 or more accidents in a day. We do all the taking him, letting him change himself etc, but we’re getting nowhere and it’s been over a year. He just either can’t feel when he needs to go, or can feel it but doesn’t bother to ask. We’re not sure which.

We had a little urinal that suckered to the wall.

Try significantly increasing his liquid intake. This worked for my 4.5yo almost overnight. Also encourage him to sit for wees, I'm sure I've seen somewhere the bladder empties better when in a seated position.

I would remind him at points, like when you are about to leave the house, go in the car etc, but otherwise I would give as little attention to it as possible. Have a stack of clean pants and clothes handy - just say "oh dear, go sort yourself out please" and act really nonplussed about it. He's not getting any attention (positive or negative) and he's having to break off from his own play time to sort himself out.

No advice really but just wanted to say we're in a similar boat with our little girl, it's so difficult especially with the dreaded school start approaching and so much recently being talked about on social media about it all being down to 'lazy' parenting. Makes me feel like such a failure!

It’s so frustrating isn’t it? I’ve spoken to the health visit, the GP, the bladder charity Eric, his nursery…. No one seems to have any advice that works. No matter how focused you are, you just can’t physically stop someone wetting themselves.

We used a Chicky timer (kitchen timer thing from Bing we got off Amazon) set it every 45 mins when it rings they have to go to the toilet,soon learnt with Chicky timer,can take to nursery easily too to do the same.consistency and relentless toilet visits.

I would try giving more liquids and see if that helps, but maybe he just hasnt reached that stage of development. I think the most important thing is not to make it into a big thing by showing you are upset/angry.

Ds1 and 2 had absolutely no interest in toilet training and were far too busy to take themselves to the toilet. At one point I had a small pile of clothes and said that is it for the day if they all get wet then we won’t be able to go to the park later on. It sometimes motivated them but generally playing with toys was far more interesting. They both had a few accidents in reception so I always put in spare clothes but I had tried everything.

More liquid so you get more practice (during a week that you can give it some time)

no blackcurrant drinks (one friend says no red drinks)

any accidents he has to change/clean himself up in the bathroom and then put his own wet clothes in the washing machine/bucket. This isn’t a punishment but the natural consequences of not going on the toilet and means that any reluctance to go as he has to stop play isn’t effective because he still has to go to the bathroom.

worth trying him sitting on the toilet to make sure he is emptying fully because a four year old wouldn’t normally need to go every hour.

stop reminding him to go other than when you’re leaving the house. If he is only going on command he might not know what needing a wee feels like because he isn’t getting full enough.

He's just not ready

The only thing that worked with mine

I think you will have to start back to basics

You will need a week where you pretty much stay at home

Pants off for the first 2 days. And give him plenty to drink.

Then trousers on but no underwear for 2 days.

And then trial with underpants on.

What I find with mine was when they were busy they just didn't want to go.

So more likely to wet themselves.

It sounds like that may be an issue with yours.

But pants off until he isn't having any accident- usually a day or 2.

Then try with trousers on but no underwear.

But it will mean a few days at home until he improv3s.

The other options. Is just carrying on as you are. Reminding him- but no nappies or pull up at all.
Using this method he will improve but it seems he is currently too busy and doesn't want to go to the toilet because he is having too much fun doing other stuff.

And another thing you'll find . When he goes to school he is less likely to wet himself because he doesn't want to embarass himself in front of his friends.

Does he go nursery? And what happens there??

But from today
No nappies or pull ups at all( except overnight if needed.)

Oh yes and like above.

No cordials/ juices/ blackcurrant/ Fizzy drinks.

Just milk or water.

Have you had a continence referral? We had a health practitioner (can’t remember the exact term) come out from the health visitors with suggestions and have referred us for a continence referral however things have improved a lot ahead of the referral. Upping fluid intake, lots of praise, no attention for accidents, sorting self out etc. I would say fluid in take is a good one as they can be constipated (without you knowing) and this can put pressure on the bladder. Ensure you are recording all drinks, wees, accidents, type of poos to find out any regular issues and provide for a referral.

Is he drinking a lot during the day? He should be and avoid Ribena and dark squash.

What happens when he wets himself? Do you notice or does he tell you?

does it happen unfamiliar places like a shop or new persons house or just where he’s comfortable(school/nursery)

The summer is on its way and you can just take his pants off so he can see what is happening - nothing to soak into.

Maybe a potty in the room
he plays in the most at home would help him learn to go for wee as soon as possible, without needing to stop the fun for as long as if he was walking to the toilet? My DD liked being able to carry her potty around so she knew it was there.

Hi I have a 7 year old daughter who is very similar and still incontinent at night (not overly worried about this but likely as a result of the following). We have been very frustrated over the years as figured she has just been lazy but have just discovered ‘over sensitive bladder’ - google it and have a read, it might not be this but certainly worth considering.

We haven’t had a diagnosis yet as am just putting the feelers out but I would put money on this is her situation.

Yeah this is what I’m worried about, that it may actually be medical rather than laziness and I should be getting him on a path to get some kind of medication

It’s definitely way worse when he drinks a lot so we try to limit it a bit. If he has big drinks it’s like it goes straight through him.

Have you tried giving him a chocolate button/something else high value? My daughter was a PITA to toilet train and basically wasn't fussed about being wet so didnt see the point in going until we went for straight bribery. Toilet trained completely within 3 days. Apologies if you've tried bribery!

not completely the same, but have some issues with my DC’s urine.
Bladder and Bowel UK have got us doing a wee every 1.5 hours, followed by 100ml of water (I think there standard advice is this straight before the toilet, but have different advice due to my DC’s symptoms).
sitting down for wees, standing up for 10 seconds, sitting down again. Having knees above the hips (using a toilet step).

We are only a few days in, so can’t comment on if it’s worked yet.
They have a PDF on their website about daytime wetting!