3.5YO DS refusing to use the potty/toilet

[adviceplease1238]

My 3.5YO DS is still in nappies and seems totally terrified at the prospect of using the potty or the toilet 'for real'. He will pretend but gets really upset otherwise - full on crying, not a tantrum but genuinely scared.

We've tried bribery, sticker charts, making it into a game, we've got one of those potties that looks like a mini toilet and he picked it, we have a family seat, I've bought his favourite character pants - boxer short style and normal pants but he just won't do it. He says it's scary but can't seem to explain why. He wants to come in the bathroom with me at home, and will flush the toilet too, but anymore than that and he's inconsolable.

He also has an intense fear of hand driers, which I suspect this has all stemmed from. He will regularly ask me not to go to the toilet if we're out and about and he will ask me to wait until I get home. At the moment there isn't actually really a time when I'm out with him just the two of us, but when I was it was a genuine battle if I needed the loo in public.

Any advice???! He didn't walk until 16 months and I was worried he never would, then I worried he would never talk as he was late with that too, and now his sentences are excellent. Is this another one of those where he'll get there in his own time (later than average) and I'll wonder why I ever worried, or is this something we should be being proactive about?

For context he is in nursery 4 days a week at the moment, and then with family on a Friday so we aren't consistently at home for long periods of time either, which doesn't help. This will likely change come April, but at the moment that's the situation

You need to book off two weeks and stay at home to crack it properly.

How will he learn if he's not taught thoroughly?

I can't book 2 weeks off work. I'm doing a uni course atm and it doesn't finish until April

You need to book at least a week off. Otherwise you won't change your situation.

@skellis I've already said I can't book a week off.

It'll just have to wait until April then 🙄

He's probably scared of the flushing water and falling in

Stop flushing for now

Stop putting him in nappies full stop

Even if I was able to book a week off (which I'm not) how would we move past the fear? He's inconsolable about it

He'll happily flush the toilet after I've used it. And his mini 'toilet' potty doesn't flush.

He literally screams and cries and gets really upset if his nappy is off - it feels cruel to persevere?

It doesn't feel like this is typical potty training behaviour, so I don't feel like I can approach it in a typical way. Or is it??

My 3 year 2 month old won't potty train either. I've no help to offer (obviously!) but you're not on your own

They've hit 3, got completely stubborn about it and need robust guidance

I can empathise.
My 3.5 yr old boy (awaiting an autism assessment which is not necessarily relevant but who knows it could be) also had speech delay and we attempted to potty train in the summer and it was a disaster. He found it so upsetting

Tried again October half term and he cracked weeing in the potty and he now prefers to do that and not wear a nappy - so doesn't wear a nappy at playgroup. However he has never done a poo in the potty and will withhold until he has a nappy on. He's had a lot of trauma around constipation including even needing suppositories and hospital visits so we've made the decision not to just remove nappies as an option as it all becomes a negative cycle. I know some people will disagree with this.

We've come to a roadblock as he has had been in and out of hospital the past month so haven't even been able to think about potty progress. But perhaps in February half term or Easter we'll try to bribe him to do a poo on the potty.

He has never even sat on the toilet despite having one of those special seats to make it smaller/more child friendly. He's just terrified and won't do it.

If I were you I'd wait until April if you can't get a solid week at home until then.

For some families and some kids it's really easy to do potty training and for some it's a really really big struggle.

Will be following the thread to see if anyone has any helpful advice. Good luck OP

If he was a late walker and talker then maybe he's just naturally a bit late with toilet training too.
I know you've said you can't take time off because of your uni course but that really is what cracked it with my two. Mind you, the weather was warmer and they both just pottered around the house and garden in just pants.
Have you tried putting trousers on without any pants underneath? Some children don't like the feel of them.
Or blowing some bubbles or whatever. Anything to make using the toilet or potty more fun?

Thank you @thursday22august - good luck with your little one as well!

This is really helpful, thank you @clinellwipe. I have actually suspected a 'higher functioning' level of autism since he was very young. (Apologies if that's a rather out-dated phrasing!) He does communicate extremely well and his language is excellent, however he has lots of 'quirks' which do make me wonder sometimes. Time will tell I suppose.

Maybe the thing to do is just to wait until April. If I take a week off everything I will get hideously behind and risk my whole course/career so it just isn't possible especially for the sake of a couple of extra months. If he needs a consistent week or two then it is going to have to wait until after April.

@rainbowstardrops yes we've tried making it into a game with funny noises etc which he does respond well to, but once we take it beyond 'pretend' then he gets really upset.

Thank you to those who have sympathetically realised this isn't a case of just whip his nappy off and persevere!

My son has caught up on his language and has lots of traits which are not typical of ASD , a really good analogy is that it's not a spectrum but rather a bit like a star - some 'types' of symptoms may be very apparent and some may not even be an issue at all. I haven't worded that well but hopefully you understand!

My son seems to have more sensory issues than social , for example. He is very fussy about certain clothes and foods , also hates the sound of the hand dryer (as do I, I can't even cook with an extractor fan on as I hate it so much). I think kids with sensory issues find potty training more challenging.

The Eric website is a very useful resource

Ps - as mentioned by someone else, our son hates the sensation of pants! So currently commando. Trying one thing at a time over here and we'll tackle pants eventually!

I agree with this. Some children potty train easily at 3 because they can communicate and it makes it easier than potty training earlier. Some are more the threenager type and become very stubborn about it.

If you can't dedicate any decent chunk of time to it until April, that's alright. Tackle it in April, but commit to tackling it. Take the nappies away entirely.

@clinellwipe yes seems to be sensory here too - the hand drier thing, he also hates short sleeves and won't take his hoody off. Used to be funny about taking his shoes off (problematic in soft play!) and also very attached to his comforter and can't sleep without it. Thank you for the website recommendation, I will have a look.

We've tried no pants and he still gets upset just the same. He just wants the nappy back on.

@Yourethebeerthief yes I do feel like we've missed our chance and we should have made sure we did it when he was younger.

Maybe waiting until April is the first step, but then I'm not sure how we approach it again if having the same issues!

I would wait until April when you can take some time off. Even the summer if things don't work out.
In this situation it does seem cruel to force things and you're likely to do more harm than good.
I'd keep the toilet seat an d potty around and keep talking about it, but not asking if he wants to try anything until April- unless he asks of course. Maybe part of it is that it's become a massive "thing" now and he's overwhelmed with it.
Do you have any books you could read with him (I remember there being a pirate one?!)

Could you get those pants that are slightly thicker so catch the wee/poo but make the child feel wet? Used them with both my children.

Have you spoken to nursery about toilet training. They did my first and grudgingly helping with the second

Also would recommend asking your health visitor for advice and having a look at the ERIC website, they have lots of advice and resources

I think you should wait until you can take a week off and when that happens you will have to absolutely go for it, nappies gone, no alternative but to use potty/toilet. My youngest was similar, she hated hand driers and had other sensory issues, she was terrifed of giving up her nappies and using the potty (she was very small so potty was a better option and less scary than the toilet). When she was almost 3 I decided that the time had come to train her and i just threw everything at it. I took away her nappies despite her protests, ignored 'accidents' and rewarded her for sitting on the potty, when she eventually managed a tiny wee on it she got loads of praise and a bigger reward. ( i had bought a little stock of things that she liked, markers, bouncy ball, can't remember exactly). It only took a few days. The poos took a bit longer, she pooed in her pants for several weeks (i changed her without comment) then one day she just did it in the potty and that was that.
You really need time off at home to crack this, for now continue bringing him to the loo with you when you can, if you have the opportunity for him to see other children use the loo/potty that might be helpful too, anything that normalises it. When the time comes it will be really hard and you will feel dreadful, especiallyif he is upset, but it has to be done sometime, and remember that you are doing this for him, he will be much more comfortable (and socially acceptable amongst his peers) when he is trained.

Can he sit on the toilet with the lid down and chat while you brush your teeth or clean the bathroom? Getting familiar with the point of view of sitting on the toilet but with none of the fear of falling in/getting flushed down, or whatever it is. If he can, I'd do that for a couple of weeks pressure free. Maybe include stories there. Next step could be that he puts the lid down himself and climbs on so he has to reach over the scary bit to get the lid. If he does get to then point of sitting on an open toilet, it can be clothed at first in case the fear relates to his bare bum being in that great white cavern! Basically build up to doing a wee there in as tiny steps as possible.

This was us at 2.5yo. It was a completely disaster and had turned into a battle of wills.

Tried just after 3 and she cracked it in two days and was dry at night within the week.

We did do it over Christmas though when we both had ten days off and could be consistent, as soon as you need to go somewhere and put a nappy on I believe you're back to square one at that age.

We had issues with our son too, he was afraid of the potty and the toilet. Honestly we tried a few times (oh crap, rewards) but it just made him more stressed. He was almost 4 one weekend, woke up, didn't want nappies anymore and that was it. I've no idea what happened. He was the last at his nursery to crack it, but they were unfazed. He's also a sensory seekers and has clothes issues, but he's been assessed (I wondered about adhd) by the hospital and they say not. He's very very bright though and worries a lot.

We're doing our daughter this weekend at just turned 3. Have delayed it for ages as she has been on movicol since 9 months old for withholding. She's doing great with wees, although excellent bladder control means she's holding that for ages too, despite her wish for chocolate stars (1 per wee lol).

I'd dial back the pressure and give him a break. Is it this year or next to start school?

Will he be going to school in September it’s important that he is trained then unless there are special needs.