3.5YO DS refusing to use the potty/toilet

[adviceplease1238]

My 3.5YO DS is still in nappies and seems totally terrified at the prospect of using the potty or the toilet 'for real'. He will pretend but gets really upset otherwise - full on crying, not a tantrum but genuinely scared.

We've tried bribery, sticker charts, making it into a game, we've got one of those potties that looks like a mini toilet and he picked it, we have a family seat, I've bought his favourite character pants - boxer short style and normal pants but he just won't do it. He says it's scary but can't seem to explain why. He wants to come in the bathroom with me at home, and will flush the toilet too, but anymore than that and he's inconsolable.

He also has an intense fear of hand driers, which I suspect this has all stemmed from. He will regularly ask me not to go to the toilet if we're out and about and he will ask me to wait until I get home. At the moment there isn't actually really a time when I'm out with him just the two of us, but when I was it was a genuine battle if I needed the loo in public.

Any advice???! He didn't walk until 16 months and I was worried he never would, then I worried he would never talk as he was late with that too, and now his sentences are excellent. Is this another one of those where he'll get there in his own time (later than average) and I'll wonder why I ever worried, or is this something we should be being proactive about?

For context he is in nursery 4 days a week at the moment, and then with family on a Friday so we aren't consistently at home for long periods of time either, which doesn't help. This will likely change come April, but at the moment that's the situation

@YorkshireIndie yes I've spoken to nursery and they said they'll start taking him to the toilet etc but he's so resistant. All his friends there are out of nappies but he doesn't seem bothered he's not.

@Deadringer what kind of level were her protests? This is inconsolable crying upset level
🤦‍♀️

@Trallers that's a good idea. Will try that, thank you.

@Alifemadelessordinary we planned to do it over Christmas but we were away for most of it 🤦‍♀️

@Bippityboppitybooo this is what I'm hoping will happen here...!

He starts school August 2026 (we are in Scotland) @purser25

I wouldn't say you've missed your chance. It can be true that they're not ready when younger but then also really stubborn when older. Potty training can be hard. Can you get a photo of a toy he desperately wants and do a sticker chart to get it? 10 pees in the toilet gets him the toy. And just ditch the nappies altogether when you've got the time off. Then you're not tempted to put him back in them either. Let him have accidents.

My 3.5 year old DS has a hand dryer and public toilet fear. We've realised it's the loud unexpected noises he hates so pop a pair of ear defenders on him when he needs to go and we're out. Might be worth a try

DS was terrified of sitting on the toilet and potty at that age. We were trying to train him from about age 3. He is autistic but wasn't diagnosed at that age. We had to back off because you can't physically force a child to sit on the toilet and if we tried to go nappy free he would put one on himself! A little while after his 4th birthday he did a wee in a bowl in the bathroom and I managed to then get him to use a portable urinal (Kiddiwhiz or something) then to catch a standing up wee in the potty and then standing up at the toilet over the course of a few weeks. Poos took another 9 months because he was still afraid to sit but we got there in the end, just a couple of months before starting school. He is also frightened of hand dryers and would never use the toilets at preschool at all but he is basically fine at school.

This.

Additionally, i had had the same thing with handdryers. I made her come into bathrooms with me (and didnt turn on hand dryers so she got used to it)
I also gradually exposed her to hairdryers and let her control "the windy"
She doesnt love handdryers now but she can tolerate them.

It's all learned skills...

Back off trying for now. Tell him regularly that although nappies are still here, in April they won't be. Keep talking about it regularly. He is a big boy, big boys need big boy pants etc. Prepare him and take the pressure off for now. Tackle it in April.

I would take all the pressure off for now. Just put potty away somewhere out of sight and don't even mention it again, ask nursery to back off too and then really 'go for it' in April when you have time off.
Good luck!

There is a really good Children's bowel and bladder charity called Eric. Have a look at their website.
I work in early years and a number of families have the same issues over toilet training, you are not alone.
Our eldest DS found using the potty/ toilet tricky, think it was the “letting go” sensation, he felt vulnerable. He was diagnosed with dyspraxia aged around 6. I felt he was missing milestones from around 3months , was dismissed as a new mum who reads too much about baby development!
Anyhow thats another story…..
Good luck , potty training is never straight forward, no one wants to really discuss it if its tricky.The successful “parents” who potty train over a weekend are always available to comment tho!

Hi, My DD is almost 3 and I have the same problem, she understands the idea sits on the potty with nappy or pants on but won't take pants off to use potty even if I don't put pants on she still won't she freaks out at the idea of it and don't listen to people making you feel like your not helping by not taking time off, I have tried for one week too weeks etc and a time when I have been off and it has made no difference. We have tried all bribes but nothing works, hang in there your not alone.

Thank you @Mummyofone22 and to everyone else who offered constructive advice.

I get that he needs time to learn etc, but even if I were to take two clear weeks tomorrow just to focus solely on this, I just can't see how he's going to go from how he is, to happily using the toilet or potty right now.

I spoke to nursery about it again today and they agreed that for the time being the best thing to do is just give it time. We'll have to revisit in April now, but if anyone has any ideas how they turned things around for a child who was so against it, I'd be grateful to hear how!