Day 1 of potty training and I want to give up already

[Mudonstairs]

My son is 2 years and 5 months. Started trying to potty train him today. Trying the oh crap method. Took all morning to get him to behave normally as he doesn’t like having a bare bum and legs. He has basically held his wee in all day and only peed when he’s woken up from his nap. Peed a bit onto the waterproof bed protector and then finished it in the hallway and when I tried to pick him up and take him to the toilet he has laid flat on the floor kicking and screaming saying he doesn’t like the toilet. I have tried him with a potty and the toilet with a step. He doesn’t like either of them.

Is this normal? Is it supposed to feel like you are torturing them? How is this stress going to teach him good potty training skills? I’m reluctant to give it up on the first day but how long is this stubbornness going to go on for and is this going to be damaging for him? I was hoping he would at least have grasped the concept of using the potty by Christmas but with perhaps a few accidents still. I wasn’t expecting complete defiance at the mere idea of it tbh, but he is a pretty headstrong boy so I don’t know why I thought it would be any easier!

I'm not sure if you read the Janet L link I posted earlier OP. I think you should just be child led on this one. Do read it if you get a chance. You'll get there but better for all of you if you dial down the stress. I didn't even ask mine to sit on the potty or ask them if they needed to go etc because the time was right for them and I went with that. I had been greatly influenced by a relatives child who'd had the 'We've a week off were doing it this week' whose child was leaving dirty protests nearly a year later and clearly had been massively stressed out about toileting by the whole thing.

Thanks. You have articulated exactly what I am thinking. In other milestones for our children, we often acknowledge and support our children through their distress to help them overcome their fears. I wonder why in potty training most people take the stance of giving up.

This morning DS has said he needs a pee pee, sat on his potty with no protests at all. He didn’t produce anything but that’s probably because I left his nappy on for a while after waking and he’s probably just weed in the nappy. I’m going to take the no protesting as progress and am fully aware he can start protesting again at some point. I’m just trying to say, it’s not all bad and some of this is seeming to be working.

I must have got side tracked as I don’t remember reading it. I’ll have a look back, thanks.

He can be sitting on the potty and saying the words out of a drive to please you, without being developmentally capable of actually doing what you want him to do or understanding what is going on. Your job is to be able to discern the difference, and decide if you are looking to train a child with stickers or other external motivators, or support them.

We did a lot of things to children in the 70s and 80s that we don't do now. You can bet your bottom dollar that some mothers in the 80s that had their tiny toddler potty trained employed tactics that would be frowned on now in order to do so, and fell into bed at the end of the day exactly as stressed as you are. If it feels stressful, it's because it's stressful not because you're failing. You need to decide if it's worth pushing through with something because a book told you to do it, and says it's The Way, or if you're able to do a broader range of research and make your own decisions.

He's not giving you a hard time, he's having a hard time. If you can remember this in times of strife you can chuck your parenting books in the bin.

That's fair enough, but you do also say 'power struggle' and I guess it strikes a note of dominance and control for the sake of it rather than for his benefit. Of course you're the parent and your job is to teach and guide and I get now that you mean in the teaching sense.

I chose to potty train my son when I did because he hated having his nappy changed so I just took him out of them, so I do get what you mean about that element. He had a Thomas the Tank Engine sticker book for toilet training which he loved so we had an easier ride. I just have myself been stuck in the same stubborn loop of 'I've started so I'll finish' but you've obviously considered that.

When I say power struggle, I mean that he is saying he needs the toilet but then makes a point of refusing to sit down. I think it’s his way of asserting some control over the situation. I am then left with the decision of letting him soil himself or forcing him to sit and then he always clams down.

He does also hate having his nappy changed. If I ask him if he wants nappies or pants he just says no to both 🤷🏻‍♀️ I thought he was ready because he was hating nappy changes and he hides to do poos but maybe he just isn’t emotionally there yet so I have to decide if I continue trying to guide and teach him or if I force him back into nappies, and it will be forcing, everything is forcing him right now. Eating is forcing, walking is forcing he generally resists every daily mundane task so I am used to tantrums and coaxing multiple times per day 😂

Disposable nappies soak up all the pre and leave DC feeling dry. Old fashioned Terry nappies let DC know they were wet. I used Terry nappies and my DD was dry by just over 18 months and both DS's about 2 years.

That probably explains why children used to toilet train a lot earlier. Perhaps them being more aware of the wet feeling made them developmentally and emotionally ready a lot sooner. Not much I can do about that now as DS has been wearing disposals all his life. It’s good for me to have an understanding I suppose so that I can manage my own expectations.

That’s pretty young. Wait til next summer.

Put him on the loo instead of the potty. No need to clean up and he can press the flush. This way is so much easier and quicker.

We did oh crap too at 2 yrs and 2 months
i think the first 72hrs were some of the most stressful of my life. Honestly.
at 36 hrs in I was exhausted and ready to quit but I persevered.

i gave juice a lot to get more wees and had 2 or 3 potties
one in kitchen one in living room
1 first floor landing.

we will get there just keep going.
a chocolate button for a wee in the potty was way more motivating than sticker which just got a filthy glare 😅😅😅

keep going and try and be chilled.
once he is in bed have a big glass of 🍷

potty is good for speed in early days but we switched to toilet fairly quickly as much easier

did you do the full method of no trousers for block one? We did two days of Oh Crap and have decided to pause as DD was vocally anti potty and also in a sleep regression atm so just felt impossible

To be honest, I think the best way to potty train is just to hold your nerve and wait until they are old enough to want to. Mine were both well over 3, but went straight from nappies to pants with absolutely no stress or accidents. Well, no stress except the unwanted comments, questions and suggestions from friends and relations!

You see it's not a surprise really that's he's responding like this. He'll also be getting big stress cues from you and his dad. Children of his age have so little actual control over their lives that it's a real gift to give him control over this one thing and not make it about pleasing anyone else, getting stickers etc.

My husband potty trained our first while baby 2 was tiny. I was demoralised after day 1, but day 2 dc got it almost 100% for wees. Poos were harder but I think by day 3 or 4 we were there. We also used oh crap! Give it another day or two. We found it effective but I don't think it works for everyone - so I'd say give it a bit more time (and try to stay calm and patient) but if it doesn't work for your kiddo there are other methods - and some kids just aren't ready yet

Oh and BTW youngest was trained totally differently. By around 2 they would spend their days at home with no pants on. Never used a potty, went straight to the toilet, but took about a year before they could wear pants and know when to go (so they were still in nappy pants at nursery, pants free at home for a year). This started because they used to get bad nappy rash, so kept them airing out at home. They still wear a nappy at night but fully toilet trained otherwise. Different things work for different kids.

Agreed, they're so attuned to the emotional state of their grown ups. You can't always control the behaviour of a small child but you can absolutely control your own. Being able to physically overpower him and force him to do things isn't going to work out well in the long run, you're going to have to take another stance at some point. Your DH might be more willing and able to haul him around and force him into position, but that's not really the way to teach anyone anything. We don't even really do that when training dogs any more, when you think about it, now we know better.

Did you do this with your children? If so, what toilet seat did you use? I’ve read that they can cause more fear as they can have unstable fit.

I wouldn’t do that especially for poos. ERIC recommend against it fyi!

Have you gone back to nappies full time or do you still have the potty out? I am a bit confused as to what I would do if I was to ‘pause’ at this stage. He asks to go to the potty and will happy sit on it sometimes, other times he will not sit on it. Did your DD do this?

Thanks, I do wish I hadn’t started now in hindsight. Now that we have started I don’t know whether I should just stick him back in nappies to take the pressure off or to continue. Sometimes he asks for the potty, sometimes he will sit happily on it, other times it’s world war three. If he was unhappy with it all the time it would be easier for me to say let’s just go back to nappies.

Thanks but we actually 2 weeks in at the moment. It’s not all bad as he has started sitting on it happily sometimes but other times it’s hell. It’s hard to know as it’s 50/50 whether each wee is going to be a happy potty time or not!

This seems to be a happy medium where they get to live a normal life outside the home and the option to toilet train at home. I had considered this and PP flamed me for this previously on here but it’s good to know others have used this method too.

Do what for poos?

Sit on the toilet - it’s harder for them to poo without their feet on the floor.