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Potty training

Is your child ready for potty training at nursery? Here's the place for all your toilet training questions.

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Original poster

3yr 5m boy not ready

30 replies

Milkand2sugarsplease · 18/10/2024 22:33

Hi all,

DS is just not ready to PT but I know he needs to train before we get to school - which seems both ages off and right around the corner.

He has no idea he's wee'd. He has started noticing when he needs to poo as in we'll notice after he's done it that he's taken himself off somewhere (not always) or he might tell us he's poo'd (not always).

His communication is slightly behind although hopefully catching up now so that's not helped matters either.

I always make sure the potty is available and I always ask if he wants to use it - both when I go to the loo and when I change his nappy but he's never yet done anything on it.

Hates not being dressed so we've not really been able to just try nappy off time to see what happens.

I've always been a firm believer that when they're ready it's not really training but what do you do when they're just not ready? DS1 was dry at 2.5 but his communication was far better and he decided he wanted pants on one day and never looked back.

I could try just putting him in pants one day to see what happens but I'm as confident as I can be that it will just be a disaster of wet clothes and furniture etc - should I try and give him a nudge? Or leave it longer and give him more time.

The SALT wasn't overly concerned that he wasn't dry when she assessed him. I guess I just thought we'd be further along than we are by now....

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Original poster

Milkand2sugarsplease · 18/10/2024 22:41

To add, he's got a couple of potty training stories and has seen the potty training episodes of his favourite show but neither have helped him so far.

His overnight nappies are generally soaked to the brim, regularly leak, so he's nowhere close with overnight dryness which is fine as I know that's a whole other ball game really.

OP posts:

Haroldwilson · 18/10/2024 22:44

So you haven't really tried anything apart from asking if he'd like to use the potty?

I think you need to stop waiting for him to be 'ready' and basically do it himself, and start being more assertive about it.

It'll be messy, he'll have accidents, he'll get upset and protest a bit. But I'd try before school starts.

whiteboardking · 18/10/2024 22:45

I'd agree. Otherwise he'll continue the lazy stance

Original poster

Milkand2sugarsplease · 18/10/2024 23:15

No it's not a mozy along "would you like to use the potty, no, ok then don't bother". It's all throughout the day - when he gets up, nappy changes, when I go, before we go out, before we leave a cafe, before a meal, after a meal, getting ready for bed downstairs, when we come up to bed to do teeth etc.

We've read the stories, we've talked about it - well I've talked to him about it, like I said, his communication is delayed,

Yes, I've not forced him into underpants to try that way so far - which is what I'm unsure of whether to try or not given his complete lack of knowing when he's weed.

OP posts:

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 18/10/2024 23:22

It's almost a full year til he's in school right? So I wouldn't be panicking.

BabyDoge · 18/10/2024 23:28

I'd try the underpants. It's not a nice thought, but maybe he has to have a few accidents and feel uncomfortable and wet to help him realise when he's weeing.

FusionChefGeoff · 18/10/2024 23:59

100% it's the nappies that mean he can't tell if he's weed as they're so good at taking away the wetness.

You need to try him in pants - commit to at least 3 days with a zillion pairs of pants and trousers and a lot of washing. But hopefully by day 3 ish you'll see the occasional wee in the potty.

Plus he needs to be physically put on the potty throughout the day, with a 5 minute timer / episode or similar and then MASSIVE praise and reward if this happens to coincide with a wee.

You need to actually train him basically. Not just wait as he's obviously not going to do it himself

NuffSaidSam · 19/10/2024 00:12

Milkand2sugarsplease · 18/10/2024 23:15

We've read the stories, we've talked about it - well I've talked to him about it, like I said, his communication is delayed,

Yes, I've not forced him into underpants to try that way so far - which is what I'm unsure of whether to try or not given his complete lack of knowing when he's weed.

But it's still a question;

"Do you want to use the potty"

And the answer is;

"No, I'm perfectly happy going wherever I am and you cleaning it up for me".

You need to tell him, not ask.

"Your daytime nappies are gone. Wees and poos go in the potty now".

It sounds like he's starting to show signs of readiness, so I'd wait a little longer and then go for it.

pollypocketss · 19/10/2024 00:35

My son is also 3.5, his communication also was behind, been told all covid babies are similar.

We stared potty training him at 2.5 but he was so not ready, accident galore, all over furniture, carpet and like yours night time nappy always leaking.

We waited until he was just over 3 and as his communication improved. Still took a long time but we are finally there or almost!

We did have to start being more assertive, gave up on being worried about furniture this can always be cleaned or eventually replaced. He was in a private preschool and has now moved to F1 so has more focused class time and visits the loo with his friends, they copy one another.

At home was more of a challenge as he does get lazy. Rewards, reassurance and persistence has helped. He now will poop in the toilet reluctantly but is happy with himself once he does.

Haroldwilson · 19/10/2024 07:18

I think just take nappies off and see what happens. Commit to a week with no daytime nappies. I'd do commando joggers with no pants, pants can feel like you have a nappy on.

At home with potty and close attention, stock up on sticker books or similar to keep entertained.

You can put towels or fleece blankets on furniture.

Yes it keeps you in, it's a lot of cleaning, it's not very fun but that's what I'd do. Tons of praise of he gets it.

Some kids are just quite happy for you to clean them up forever and won't use potty unless you're firm about it.

Chillisintheair · 19/10/2024 07:22

Sounds like you’re confusing knowing when he is weeing which is one of the major things they learn during potty training with readiness to train. Before potty training he needs to be able to pull his own trousers up and down, be able to tell you he needs to go (signing is fine) and know the difference between wet and dry, so he knows if his hands are wet or dry.

Thumberline · 19/10/2024 07:26

He won’t know what needing a wee feels like until you introduce the concept. If he doesn’t like being naked do loose trousers and no pants. My daughter didn’t have many words when we potty trained either but she soon understood once we took the nappies away. Keep the potty in close proximity and line your sofa with puppy pads!

TeddyBeans · 19/10/2024 07:30

My son was slightly behind in his communication when we potty trained (though nursery or HV never did anything about it and we never ended up with SALT so well done you!) I basically conditioned him to sit on the potty and try for a wee when a timer went off every 20 minutes to start with. He'd do it because there was a chocolate button in it for him. It didn't take long to go from basic bribery to him being able to do it independently. We lived a 10 minute walk from my parents at the time so if he could make it there dry in his potty training pants, he'd start getting a choccy button for doing that etc. just extend it slightly every few days so he gets used to holding his wee and eventually feeling that his bladder is full and going for himself

WhatNoRaisins · 19/10/2024 07:34

The way I see it is that he's always used nappies, it works for him so why do anything differently? He's too young to understand the problems of staying in nappies longer term and at school which is why he needs a kind adult to make the decision for him for his own good.

girlgonenorth · 19/10/2024 07:45

My son was like this (his twin brother had been in pants since two and a half, he just asked to do it one day). I thought he showed no sign of being ready but at about 3 and a half our childminder just decided to take the nappy off, he was dry with very few accidents within the week, and at night not long after. I couldn’t believe it, I’d say just try it.

PrincessOfPreschool · 19/10/2024 07:48

When you say delayed communication, do you mean verbal or any communication? I have worked with 2 non verbal children who potty trained quite young (2+) but they were communicating in other ways - pointing, pulling etc. Other children who aren't communicating at all by 3 will probably take longer as it could be a developmental delay which affects everything, or could be ASD. Sometimes it's more the parents wanting to follow a child's 'lead' but likely that child is never going to 'lead' it as they've got used to nappies!

I think maybe wait till Christmas so you and he have a chunk of time off nursery/ work and then really go for it. If there's no progress in 2 weeks you will need to try again later and perhaps begin exploring other issues.

Tractorsanddiggers · 19/10/2024 08:11

I had similar and just took the nappies away and he got it within a week and actually did really well. He hated being wet and as your boy likes to be dressed maybe it's similar?
I made a big deal about it, got him to choose some pants and rewarded the first ones in the potty and that was it. I wish I had waited with my older and very verbal boy as being older seems to have helped

NOTANUM · 19/10/2024 08:15

One of mine never showed interest in potty training so we had to work hard - nappy off, pants on, a sticker for a wee etc. There are some kids who are happy in nappies and don’t feel the urge to wee as they’ve been conditioned not to. This is particularly the case for older DC like your son.
I’d block out a long weekend and have a proper go at it.

GiraffeTree · 19/10/2024 08:20

My youngest was like this. I just put him in pants and went cold turkey with nappies. He had no successful wees on the potty for several days, but then he got the hang of it. It just took a bit longer than my DCs who were "ready" before we started.

OooSorryDoctor · 19/10/2024 08:26

DS1 was potty trained at 2 and 4 months.
DS2 I started trying to train at a similar age and it took until he was 3 years and 8 months. He was SO stubborn and it seemed to us like he couldn’t sense when he needed a wee or poo, he’d do it while engrossed in playing and in his nappy straight after trying on the toilet. We tried absolutely everything and he just was not on board. We eventually sussed out he just couldn’t be bothered to stop playing.

If I’m honest, I started telling him off eventually when I could see he was being lazy about it, as well as showing him the contents of his nappy and explaining (nicely) how gross it was…. hey presto he became fully potty trained including at night within about 48 hours since the first telling off. He’s had barely any accidents since either. The nice approach we had for 18 months just wasn’t enough 😂

I’m not recommending telling him off, but want to reassure you they all do it in their own time and as he’s older you may find when he does do it he’s fully potty trained a lot quicker. Hopefully it won’t be long 🤞

Hreenpro · 19/10/2024 08:36

I thought my dd wasn’t ready (she is 2.5) as she didn’t want to use the potty we kept in the bathroom, but we had a free weekend so thought I’d take the nappy off and see. First day she did not get it, 2nd she did. 4 days later she was at nursery and had zero accidents. A month later she’s ditched the potty and taking herself off to the toilet.
If I’d continued doing the approach of ‘do you want the potty’ she would still be in nappies. I think as others had said they don’t know when they have done a wee often in nappies. Cloth nappies make it much more obvious for them. I’d try going without the nappy for a couple of days, otherwise he won’t have the opportunity to learn. It might just click. If he doesn’t like no clothes, then just trousers is a good option, that is what I did.

Overthinking22 · 19/10/2024 08:42

It's a minefield parenting but it sounds like you're giving the 3.5 year old the choice if he wants to potty train. Sounds like white pants to see when he's going and indoors for a few days cleaning up floor/furniture.

metalmutha · 19/10/2024 08:47

Child care practitioner here, as others have said, nappies are so good at keeping them dry that they don't know they've wee'd.
You're going to have to ride it out with undies. He needs the discomfort of being wet to learn. Lots of potty time, rewards, charts and reinforcement.
A potty for each room helps too. That's what I did with my little one.
You will get there!
Good luck.

MissyB1 · 19/10/2024 08:48

All these parent "waiting because they aren't ready" is one of the reasons kids are starting school in nappies. Note I said one

OP you have to train him, he's not going to train himself! Stay at home for a week put him in pants, set a timer for every 20 minutes or so and put him on the potty or toilet. Big fuss and a reward every time something lands in the potty.

KnittedCardi · 19/10/2024 09:02

Agree with pp's that you have to take charge. I also think at this age you can go straight to a toilet, with a toddler seat. He's a big boy. I never used potties at all and I didn't wait for them to be ready. Nappies off, take them to the toilet regularly and reward.

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