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Potty training

Is your child ready for potty training at nursery? Here's the place for all your toilet training questions.

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Original poster

3yr Daughter will only stand and pee/poo - Unable to potty train.

46 replies

summerlass · 21/08/2023 09:51

Hi, I’ve already added a post about my daughter and the problems I have with potty training.
She is 3yrs and 2mths old.

Lots of detail on my other post but I’m wondering if the issue I have is her fear of sitting and doing the toilet.

This morning I sat her on the toilet with her pull-up on and asked her to try and do a wee in her pull up whilst sitting. Told her she would get a reward if she did it. 5 mins on the toilet and she was distressed at the concept of sitting and weeing even in her pull up! She has always stood and peed which is why she never wets her bed at night too. She has been wearing underwear at nights for a while now and in even in the day but I give her a pull up to wee / poo.

Im starting to think now the fear she has is associated with sitting and weeing? It makes sense now as the one and only time she started to wee on her potty (after hours on it with activities to do) she was traumatised and started to stand as she peed. This really is strange.

Does anyone else’s child that’s a girl only stand and pee? Any tips on how to overcome this? She never sits and pees and I can’t remember as a baby when she last did this. She wont pee in the bath or her bed either.

Any ideas?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Rachaelc2014 · 21/08/2023 10:07

Hi, have you tried getting a potty and decorating it with her with her favourite characters etc? I did this for my son and he helped put stickers on it, just a thought xx

Mischance · 21/08/2023 10:09

Don't leave her on loo for 5 minutes!

BrutusMcDogface · 21/08/2023 10:14

I had different issues with my son but was told to reward him just for sitting on the toilet at set times, even if he didn’t do anything. So, 20 mins after breakfast etc. I give the kids in my class (special school) a 10 second countdown. They sit on the toilet at every pad change. Keep it relaxed and chilled.

I think you probably need to talk to a health visitor or someone, though. Get some proper advice.

Original poster

summerlass · 21/08/2023 11:28

@Rachaelc2014 Yes we did all of that before. She’s such a big girl for 3 she had outgrown her potty’s

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Original poster

summerlass · 21/08/2023 11:30

We started at 1min, and moved our way up to 5mins with rewards. She is occupied on the toilet with bubbles / books etc… What is your suggestion?

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Original poster

summerlass · 21/08/2023 11:31

@Mischance We started at 1min, and moved our way up to 5mins gradually with rewards. She is occupied on the toilet with bubbles / books etc… What is your suggestion?

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Original poster

summerlass · 21/08/2023 11:32

@BrutusMcDogface Hi yes I’ve spoken to the HV and to ERIC helpline.
would be so nice to find another mum whose child has similar issues so we can chat. Helps a lot which is why I posted on here

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Paddingtonsmarmlade · 21/08/2023 11:41

Try a tall stool in front of the toilet so her legs are bent so she is more squatting it might make her more comfortable

or squat/straddle over the potty to wee might need to try this outside for mess reasons we had a potty that looked like a little toilet and would probably be a better size for a 3 year old

or a she-wee rather than pull ups?

Imperfect10 · 21/08/2023 11:42

my daughter had a frightening experience associated with toiletting at a very early age.
She was in nappies until 3.5 then would only use the loo in a very particular way, time, particular toilet, with me and no-one else.

your daughter sounds like she has assocoated toiletting with trauma (maybe as simple as the water splashing up at her) she might think rats/spiders/baddies live in there.

Does she have enough words/can she draw pictures where you can ask her to tell you a toilet story. You might get an answer.......

(I knew a child who drew me a very detailed picture of the "poo pirates" sailing up the loo in their boat and canonballing him.......he thought poo was alive and we were drowning them)

for my daughter waiting until she could reason then explaining the need to toilet before going to school and making it as gentle as possible was all it took. I tend to think that no pressure is the best way..........but that might be different for you.
BTW shes a fully, functioing, grown woman now , no issues

Hang on in there, it will be ok

Mischance · 21/08/2023 11:53

summerlass · 21/08/2023 11:31

@Mischance We started at 1min, and moved our way up to 5mins gradually with rewards. She is occupied on the toilet with bubbles / books etc… What is your suggestion?

I guess I was concerned that she might associate the toilet with having to leave her games or activities and sit bored on the loo, which could set up negative associations.

Is there a way of giving her some choices? Go out with her and choose something to decorate toilet seat with? Put some jelly tots on a shelf in bathroom and dole one out each time she performs - I know, I know, but it works believe me. Let her choose where they should be put. Make a mini toilet together for dolly and put beside toilet so dolly can sit there too and keep her company. Getting her involved in the planning etc. might help her - she can then own it/see it as a her project. I am sure you have tried children's books on the subject. Let her come to the loo with you and see what you do - she can hand you paper - mine used to! - they were a bit stingy with it!

Good luck!

Friggingfrog · 21/08/2023 12:11

I would sit her on the toilet with no pressure to wee initially. Maybe even with seat lid down to start. Give her something to distract her like an iPad she can play on for a couple of minutes and then give a lot of praise after it. Maybe a sticker or something. Then very gradually build it up to longer and to sitting on the seat and sitting on it with pull up down but it might take quite a while before she will actually wee on it

Original poster

summerlass · 21/08/2023 12:16

@Mischance Hi thanks for your suggestions. Our toilet is separate to the bathroom so only a small room. I started getting her sitting on her potty from when she was 2. And she has been coming into the toilet with me for a long time now. She loves getting my tissue and loves to flush the toilet.
Ive even dropped her poop from the pull-up to the toilet and she loves to flush it away and we sing the poo poo song 😂😂

Ive tried to motivate her with buying her things she wants and she watched all her friends of a similar age use the toilet. Nothing motivates her at all. She is more than happy to sit on the toilet with or without her pull-up as she has steps but will not pee at all.

She plays all the time with her potty and teddies and loves pretending but when it comes to her there is a block.

She has never once did a pee on her potty and we started her young so I have no idea where she developed her fear from.

She won’t even pee in her pull-up sitting as I thought I could at least get her sitting on the toilet to pee then cut a hole in her pull up but no, she won’t do that.

Her fear is associated with sitting to pee / poo. How do I get my daughter to sit and pee when she gets so distressed at the idea of it? It’s so hard.

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Original poster

summerlass · 21/08/2023 12:18

@Friggingfrog Hi I have done all of this with rewards and she has no fear sitting on the toilet. She just won’t pee or poo sitting down and this is where her fear is.

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retrainer · 21/08/2023 12:24

So she is 'trained' as in she can be out of nappies and keep her pants clean/dry, but needs to ask for a pull up to wee/poo in?

In that case I'd maybe start with getting her to use the pull up while sitting or crouching first, and then move on to the toilet.
So when she needs to wee, go to the toilet, she can put the pull up on and just crouch next to the toilet as she starts to go - reward for just crouching momentarily or at the start at first and then build up with a timer maybe, can she crouch for the first 5 seconds of a wee, 10, 20, do all her wee crouching?
Once she is comfortable crouching next to the toilet to wee, then try sitting on the toilet with the pull up and so on.

Original poster

summerlass · 21/08/2023 12:32

@retrainer Hi yes, she is potty trained even in bed at night but just will not sit on a potty or toilet to do her business. She has never once peed sitting on her potty or toilet so I’ve no idea where the fear/block has come from.

Very good idea. I will try getting her to crouch to pee with her nappy on then move to the toilet and associate that with rewards. She is more than capable sitting on the toilet and had no fear doing that. It’s just peeing on there she gets distressed about. Thanks for the advice ❤️

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Original poster

summerlass · 21/08/2023 17:02

@Paddingtonsmarmlade Funnily I’ve ordered a she wee today to try out and see if she will do it. This would certainly make life easier when peeing if she will do it. 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

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Original poster

summerlass · 21/08/2023 17:08

@Imperfect10
Honestly there is nothing that I can associate her fear with. She has never peed for any splashback to have occurred. She has just always refused to pee on her potty from a young age. If only I could work out where her fear came from it might make it easier. It’s just so strange really.

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Dragonwindow · 21/08/2023 17:25

One of mine stood/squatted for ages (for wees and poos!). Get a really nice, big, sturdy square based potty, maybe put it on a puppy pad, and let her crack on however she's comfortable.

The one thing that will make the absolute biggest difference is if you manage to actually not worry about it (second best is pretending not to worry, but kids can usually tell!) Honestly, in the grand scheme of things, a bit of wee on the floor, or a child who asks for a pull when they need to go, is much easier to deal with than a child with a toileting phobia.

Dragonwindow · 21/08/2023 17:29

*asks for a pull-up

fearfuloffluff · 21/08/2023 17:32

Do you have any pals the same age who use potties? You could get them to have a playdate and sit next to each other when doing it? DC used to do this at the childminder's and found it very fun!

Otherwise tbh I'd take the 'fear' a bit less seriously, bribe with chocolate buttons, don't let her wear a nappy and if she wets trousers get her to help with the clean up in a very boring and time-consuming way so she sees the consequence.

DD used to like sitting on the loo with a book as well. Bribe like mad to get her over the hump of sitting to wee, then pull those bribes back!

Dogsitterwoes · 21/08/2023 17:36

She can wee standing up.

Can you get stools either side of the loo,
Either stands on them astride the loo, facing the back, sort of push pelvis/tummy forward a bit and wee

Or faces the front and half squats down going back behind her feet - holding your hands for balance.

BrutusMcDogface · 21/08/2023 19:10

Ok, sorry

Original poster

summerlass · 21/08/2023 20:51

@Dragonwindow Yes you are right, in the grand scheme of things she is at least toilet trained and wearing pants during the day and night. Only issue is pull ups are needed to go.
I bought her little sturdy pink steps to the toilet with handles so she is secure on the toilet.
I think I will try getting her to squat and pee but she is very stubborn and gets very distressed when out of her comfort zone.
Im hoping in time she will just go, but I worry she had an odd phobea that will just get worse if I don’t try.

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Original poster

summerlass · 21/08/2023 20:54

@fearfuloffluff Hey, so yes she has seen all her friends use the toilet but nothing seems to motivate her to go. She is quite stubborn.
She is essentially potty trained as in pants during the day and night with no accidents. Only difference is when she needs to go I have to put a pull up on her. It’s strange as I do t know anyone whose child is like this and was hoping posting g on here could lead me to another mum I could chat / relate with.

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Original poster

summerlass · 21/08/2023 20:55

@Dogsitterwoes Hey, our toilet is in its own room so small. Not enough space and I’m not sure she would do this as it takes her out of her comfort zone entirely.
Ive ordered a she wee today to try out 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

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