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Potty training

Is your child ready for potty training at nursery? Here's the place for all your toilet training questions.

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Original poster

Potty training - have I failed her?

38 replies

brummiemumm · 13/08/2023 15:32

Our very bright 3.4 year old still isn't potty trained. We have tried what feels like EVERYTHING but each time we take away nappies she just cries hysterically and asks for a nappy, and holds her wees until she's back in a nappy. We've tried books, games, toys on the potty, various potties and toilet seats, had a potty since she was about 20 months old. She is a very sensitive child and also has had a history of constipation and painful hard stools which obviously hasn't helped matters. Now I feel like we've "missed the boat" and let her down not getting this sorted sooner. I read "oh crap" and it made me feel like the worst mom... and I just can't stop worrying that she'll be in nappies forever

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Telemichus · 13/08/2023 15:36

she almost certainly won’t still be in nappies at twenty, promise.
have you sorted the constipation, is she still on some laxido or something?
if you put a nappy in the potty will she go on that, without the nappy being ‘on’ her?
Look at the Eric website & they have a helpline. Try not to stress out (worst advice ever, I know, but do try).

InvalidCrumb · 13/08/2023 15:42

Oh Crap is very full on about not missing this "window" but it's no help for those whose kids have aged out!

I just did the steps anyway and repeated from the start when it went wrong. So much of it depends on the child as well - dc2 was very quick whereas dc 1 wasn't dry at night for years and i still had to remind them to go to the loo in the day for ages and ages even once at school.

You haven't let her down, just be as relaxed and consistent as you can (i recognise how hard that is). ERIC is a good resource.

panko · 13/08/2023 15:44

Keep going. One day she'll get there.

And bin that book

Threatenmewithadeadfish · 13/08/2023 15:44

Is it the potty that’s bothering her? If you let her play in the garden naked ( say with water and sand ) would she squat and pee on the grass? I noticed my son enjoying outdoor wees a week before he turned 3, he didnt like the potty but we made it fun to pee in the loo. He was completely reliably dry and never had an accident about a week after this. Then at night 3 months later. He had sensory issues so refused to wear pants until he was 5 so was basically commando for two years under joggers but he was incredibly good at asking to go/ taking himself. But it honestly only took a few days once he’d decided he was ready. Does madam have an older cousin / friend that’s potty trained that you could perhaps use as gentle peer pressure? Sit back and let her decide that she wants to be grown up like another child, make it her idea?

Rainallnight · 13/08/2023 15:46

Oh Crap is rubbish.

If she’s had constipation and hard stools, she’ll have all sorts of anxiety about it all. Agree with asking Eric for advice.

You also might need medical advice to rule out any continence issues, which can be a consequence of the constipation (bowel pressing on bladder)

Original poster

brummiemumm · 13/08/2023 16:00

@Threatenmewithadeadfish
No, even in the garden or playing without clothes on she will ask for a nappy and gets very upset if she doesn't have one on when she needs a wee. She doesn't have accidents - she just holds her wee. So on holiday when in the pool, she would ask to get out and put a nappy on to do a wee... we were like "just do it in the pool!" But she wouldn't and she even asks to get out of the bath to have a nappy on to do a wee!

OP posts:

DahliaRose · 13/08/2023 16:02

I think also once you start you just have to go for it and don't go back to nappies.

Set aside a few days at home and allow her to be naked on the bottom. If she's very bright as you say she will understand that nappies are no longer an option and she needs to use the toilet now.

Original poster

brummiemumm · 13/08/2023 16:02

@InvalidCrumb
It's the consistency I'm struggling with... because having her in no nappies just means she gets super upset and holds her wee...
But then having her in nappies means she'll never learn...
So what do I do?

OP posts:

Original poster

brummiemumm · 13/08/2023 16:04

@DahliaRose
She is very bright and gets it all.
The problem we have is how upset she gets... we've tried powering through and not going back but the longest we've managed is 2 days because she gets SO upset by it. Like hysterical (and she's not a kid who is often hysterical) and holds her wees to the point she's super uncomfortable. But then I feel like I'm being too soft and giving in... just feel like I can't win

OP posts:

HappiDaze · 13/08/2023 16:05

Just get rid of nappies altogether and she'll just have to get on with it

YourNameGoesHere · 13/08/2023 16:05

The trouble is she currently thinks she has a choice as when she asks she gets what she wants. Unfortunately consistency is key and you need to stick with no nappies when you've made that choice. I would be letting her see the current pack run down explaining that once they are gone, that's it and then stick with it.

Bribery is fine if needed and so is using the toilet but the key is not giving her back a nappy.

TaigaSno · 13/08/2023 16:06

"So on holiday when in the pool, she would ask to get out and put a nappy on to do a wee... we were like "just do it in the pool!""

This is disgusting, what a vile thing to suggest. Makes me think you are a troll tbh.

HappiDaze · 13/08/2023 16:06

The issue is your reaction to caving in to her getting upset and hysterical

HappiDaze · 13/08/2023 16:07

TaigaSno · 13/08/2023 16:06

"So on holiday when in the pool, she would ask to get out and put a nappy on to do a wee... we were like "just do it in the pool!""

This is disgusting, what a vile thing to suggest. Makes me think you are a troll tbh.

I agree it's rank to have suggested that and a bit weird tbh

LemonAda376 · 13/08/2023 16:08

I agree. She knows if she can hold out long enough the nappies will go back on so just don't give it as an option.

Also explain to her that if she is holding her wee in she will make herself ill. Maybe a trip to the doctor and letting the doctor explain to her that it's not good might do the trick too?

At nearly 3.5 I would think yes you've probably missed the ideal window but it's not impossible.

Good luck

enjoyingscience · 13/08/2023 16:10

Can’t comment on potty training, but teaching your child to piss in a pool is fucking appallingly minging.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 13/08/2023 16:10

Absolutely agree with others - you’ve made it a choice. You haven’t committed, you’ve been way too casual and she now knows all she has to do is cry and you’ll give in 🤷‍♀️

TropicalTrama · 13/08/2023 16:13

Some kids can hold their pee for ages, it’s not necessarily a problem and if anything I’d say it’s a sign they’re really ready to be trained. My DD was the same, she’s 6 now so we’re ages past potty stubbornness and she still only goes likes twice a day. You haven’t failed her, far from it. Of course she can do it and so can you! She already knows when she needs to go, can communicate it and hold it until she gets the nappy so essentially you’re 90% of the way there and actually she is already trained in the physical sense. You just need to get over the very last hurdle and get her onto the toilet- she’s too big for a small potty at her age so I’d skip that and go straight to the loo with a step and comfy seat.

See the doctor to get the constipation medicated. Then bin the nappies except pull ups for night time and I’d get the specific night time ones so it’s clear you really mean it. Stay close to home for a week and push all the fluids like ice lollies, juice, squash - even better if she doesn’t normally have this stuff. She won’t be able to hold it forever. Make her clean up accidents and she’ll soon learn that the inconvenience of that is worse than going on the toilet especially if you she gets a small reward like a smartie.

YukoandHiro · 13/08/2023 16:13

I hate the oh crap method. It didn't work for my eldest DD at all and really upset her, setting her back about six months.
It's very personality drive.

You haven't missed the boat but you do need to be consistent and when you remove them no going back (except at bedtime obviously, as you can't train at night). So I would work on finding a way to get her on board. Some kind of motivation tool could help eg something she can do at the end of a week without nappies?

When she finally consents to do this it will be very quick because she's older... so that's actually in your favour

LemonAda376 · 13/08/2023 16:14

Also to add, I don't think it's a bad thing that your daughter is asking to get out of the pool or bath to do to the toilet. This should be encouraged!

I don't think telling her to wee in a pool is a great idea as it goes back to the whole association of not actuality going to a toilet and making a conscious decision to relieve yourself and just weeing like she would in a nappy. And as others said it's unhygienic.

HAF1119 · 13/08/2023 16:21

Not all children are one size fits all... she seems to know when she needs to go as she asks for the nappy, is she ok until she needs to go to be bare bum?

If so, can you then use bribery for when she asks for the nappy to go to the toilet? Mine was mad into trucks so I got a multi pack and offered a choccie button for a try of a wee in the toilet, a truck if he wee'd. Had a 20 pack and got through them in about a week but by then he was finding it more fun/rewarding and less distressing and we started doing stickers then slowly faded to nothing. Towards the end of the pack he was forcing a wee in the toilet half hour after he had done one just to get the truck... he was over 3 and v distressed about potty also, we ditched the potty as the sight made him cry and went for adult toilet with the steps and seat attachment instead to 'start new'

TropicalTrama · 13/08/2023 16:24

Also forget Oh Crap. It’s just one of many methods out there and the author is explicitly clear that her methods are for children aged 18-30 months. So really not relevant to you at all!

Some variation of what’s generally known as the 3 day method would probably be better- into big girl knickers with a character on them (lets keep Elsa clean and dry!), push the fluids and try the loo every 30 minutes until you get something. Encourage sitting with a story or if you have to watching something on your phone. Give a reward for a success so either a sticker to save up for something big, or an immediate little something like a sweetie - I’m sure you know best how she’s motivated.

And I agree with PP, no pissing in the pool because gross but also because you want to be consistent- it now goes in the toilet, every single time.

Beamur · 13/08/2023 16:33

The good news is she is reliably recognising the signs for needing the toilet. The bad news is she's very anxious and afraid to use the toilet or potty.
This could well be if it's hurt her to go on the toilet before. I'd stop all the games and novelties and calmly talk through why she's scared (she may not be able to articulate why) and reassure her that everyone stops using nappies as they get older and it's her turn now too.
My DD was a long term potty refuser but had not experienced any constipation, but she really hated change and the 'big girl ' argument cut no ice.
In the end all it took was one successful wee in the potty to change her mind. She was getting ready for a bath - water was running and she needed a wee and was asking for a nappy, I calmly kept getting the bath ready and said it wasn't possible now but maybe she could use the potty. By this point she literally could not hold it any longer and gave in. Was then so pleased with herself that she was dry during the day..
Good luck!

Bobbybobbins · 13/08/2023 16:34

Our DS is 9 and has just got it this year- he has a learning disability. We are so proud! So just to say don't worry that you have failed or missed anything - she will get it.

koalab · 13/08/2023 16:36

Look up Pooandtheloo on Instagram. Sheya nurse that specialises in children's constipation and toilet training.

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