3 year old just wees and poos in pants

[parentingtwo]

We potty trained our little boy at the beginning of December when he was 2 years 9 months and he took to it brilliantly. He was very aware and ready for it. Wees and poos he would do in the potty and then we moved on to the loo which was fine. Obviously at first we had to get him to use the loo regularly to try and then eventually he got so he was saying when he needed to go. We have been in pants since we started which is great with nappies only at night. For the past few months he has completely regressed and is doing all his wees and poos in his pants. I should say he is also incredibly stubborn. Nothing has changed in home life or nursery. We have started to get him to go and try regularly again which is a battle in itself. He knows when he needs to go as you can see he goes off and tries to hide and looks at you. I have tried reward charts / treats / special things / books / fun pants he has chosen but nothing seems to work with him. Not just for potty training but in general. He is so stubborn so unless he wants to do something it's a challenge. I am obviously not going back to nappies as I don't see any benefit to that. Any ideas greatly appreciated. When will it get better?

Did something set it off? Like being on holiday or being ill? Or did he just wake up one day and do all his wees and poos in his pants?

What does he say when you ask him why he's doing it?

@NuffSaidSam nothing at all was different. He spend a good few weeks saying I need a poo and running to the loo (generally leaving it right to the last minute but still got there) and then the wees came a bit after that. We were really impressed and thought he had done a great job. He then started beginning his wee in his pants and saying I need a wee and finishing it in the loo (or if we noticed and got him to the loo) and then the pooing started too. He is now not even just starting the wees in his pants and just does the whole wee in them. Then tells us. Poos I feel like he is trying to keep them in as doesn't want to go and then it obviously has to come and we have the same problem. He doesn't seem fussed if he does it in his pants he says "sorry mummy" and when you ask why he does it he says "I can't remember". We are trying to be really calm about it but it's obviously really frustrating. Unsure on what to do. Do we keep getting him to try every hour again which he gets annoyed and angry about) or do we just leave it and let him have all the accidents/changes of clothes and hope he will get it one day? Any help/advice welcomed.

Is it as bad at nursery or worse at home?

Could he be constipated?

@Hugasauras they don't mention anything at nursery about it so he must be ok. I have obviously told them we are really struggling at home. He only does three mornings at nursery. He doesn't poo at nursery as I think holds it in.

So a friend of mine had similar although not quite as bad with their DC and it turned out that at nursery when they have an accident it's quite a drawn-out affair - getting clothes off, they get bagged up and a note written, bag put into their backpack, fresh clothes found, getting dressed again - and it took them away from whatever fun thing they were doing for a long time, whereas at home it was almost quicker and easier just to not bother going to the toilet because it didn't take long to clean up or deal with. My friend tried making the clean-up a lot more annoying and drawn out and it helped a lot.

Just a thought. I'd get anything medical checked out first. Constipation can do weird things and they can be constipated even if having bowel movements.

I’d definitely check him out for constipation

@FlounderingFruitcake he could be. What can I do to help that if he is?

@Rainallnight I will look in to this. Presume you don't go to GP for that? would being constipated affect his wee?

Thanks @Hugasauras

Yes constipation can definitely cause wee accidents. It’s very common in toddlers. I’d go see the GP even if it’s just to rule it out because you’d take a very different approach if it’s medical and he really can’t help it versus if it’s behavioural and he just doesn’t want to stop playing.

Thanks @FlounderingFruitcake yes I will definitely give the GP a call tomorrow and discuss with them. I did call them a few weeks ago when it was just wee accidents and they didn't seem concerned but now it's poo too so might make a difference.

If he is constipated he might start to leak, for want of a better word, poo and soil his pants. I was having similar potty training issues to yourself with my daughter, though she has additional needs, awaiting ASD diagnosis so I thought it was perhaps linked. But she was put on laxatives by GP, after a while she started going more regularly, no leaking and eventually less and less accidents (literally used to get 2 or 3 bags of soiled clothes from nursery a day!) She very rarely has accidents now. So I certainly wouldn't rule out constipation. Might be worth looking at Eric website? At times I had to plonk her on the loo and put on YouTube with poo songs and everything 🙈

Thank you @ThickSkinnedSoWhat. Will
Call GP tomorrow and see what they say. I have also done a pirate Pete potty training video on YouTube 😂 the things we do to encourage. Will definitely check out the website you have suggested, thanks

Wishing you the best of luck regardless. I know it's frustrating but he will get there eventually :)

Constipation can lead to faecal impaction, which is a build up of old poo in the rectum/lower intestine.

That can do two things. (1) Press on the bladder, causing wee accidents. (2) Cause new poo to ‘leak’ around it, and escape from the bum. There’s often very little sensation involved in this and kids don’t know it’s happening.

We had a very bad experience where DD had undiagnosed constipation for a long time and we ended up in a really tricky situation. It may not be the case with you, of course, but I always advise people to get it checked because it can go overlooked.

Oh and sorry, yes, you do have to go to the GP. If it is an impaction, he’ll need medication. You’ll need to ask the GP explicitly to check for it because many of them overlook it too

As PP said, check for constipation.

On the other hand, it might just be a kind of regression - DD did this, she potty trained fine, got loads of praise etc then when it became normalised and she got bored of it, she stopped bothering and had loads of accidents. You have to remember that kids' empathy for your cleaning and convenience is at psychopath levels - they don't care about you cleaning up horrible messes. They just think about what's in it for them. Make the clean-up drawn out and boring (telly off, toys away, get them to help mop etc) and continue to praise for success.

I get why you would use the word 'stubborn' but I'd advise you to change your mindset about it as it's a really negative word that implies 'you should just do what I want without protest and if you don't, it's because you have a negative element to your personality.' Parenting is a long road and that mindset will set you up for more conflict. I say this as someone who was called stubborn throughout childhood and also as the mother of a 6.5 year old who could also be called stubborn!

Instead, think about how your child is on a long journey to independence and sometimes wants to claim some independence by not just doing what they're told all the time. He might just not be able to deal with his feelings sometimes and gets stuck in defiant mode because he's overwhelmed, it's easier to take a gentle approach to helping them work out of this than going in with an oppositional 'you're stubborn' way of thinking.

Basically, you need to be on the same team as your DC.

@Rainallnight thank you, just waiting for a call back from the doctors to discuss with them.

@Squamata thanks so much. I really hadn't thought about it like that and you are so right with the word 'stubborn'. I definitely think I need to try and be more understanding of his huge emotions and as you say parenting is a long journey. He really is delightful - hoping we can sort this potty training stuff soon 💪

@NuffSaidSam @Hugasauras @FlounderingFruitcake @Rainallnight @ThickSkinnedSoWhat @Squamata spoke to the doctor who was lovely but wasn't concerned as he is still poking every other day and it's normally soft. He said to increase fluid, fruit and fibre and see how he goes. Will do that for a couple of weeks and if no improvement will call the doctors again. Fingers crossed 🤞

Great you got to speak to your GP, OP. Good luck and keep us posted

We had a similar experience and were at our wits end.

Weirdly what fixed it was a sticker chart- one sticker for each poo in the loo and one for each accident free day. He got to choose a treat (swimming, soft play etc) when the chart was full.

I honestly didn't think it would work after all the other things we tried but it did

Mine regressed as he was constipated and wanted to avoid the loo.
I ended up giving him movicol (very small amounts in milk, unflavoured) so that it softened and then at least some Lactolose once every few days just to maintain "softness". It took a few weeks but he's back to using the loo /potty.

Writing again as nothing is any better on the wee and poo front. He is not constipated and he is still weeing and pooing in his pants most of the time. He has just been playing in the garden naked (he took his clothes off after dinner and ran outside) and has just done a poo in the garden!!!!!! We have obviously asked him why but he doesn't say anything about it other than "I don't know". It has been over 8 months now since we started and he is now 3 and a half. We definitely need some help/support with this. Our 21 month old has just started potty training and she is having more success than he is!

I'd just put him back in nappies and praise his sister when she goes on the potty. Soon enough he will not want his sister to get ahead of him and will ask to go back in pants. You can tell him he can wear pants if he keeps them clean. As no constipation and he could do it before he is choosing to soil.