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Potty training

Is your child ready for potty training at nursery? Here's the place for all your toilet training questions.

Original poster

Traumatising 3 year old with potty training

31 replies

Greencouch · 02/04/2023 20:59

Hi everyone

After a few failed attempts I am starting to potty train my just turned 3 year old DS.

The first day went as to be expecting with loads of accidents (only wee) but today (day 2) has been horrific, he will happily sit on the potty if he doesn't need to wee but if he does he will become extremely upset and refuse to sit on the potty and even the toilet. The only way he will do anything is if I hold him down on the potty when I know he is desperate to go, which is fine if it is just the once then he realises that it's fine but now he just cries everytime he has to wee, he even cries when he goes to wee in his pants. He will now only wee if I'm holding him on the toilet whilst screaming, He is now holding his wee for up to 6 hours and he hasn't pooed for over 48 hours which is worrying me alot.

I never got mad at him over accidents and encouraged the potty with him loads but he just hates it, he isn't too bad sitting on the toilet but like the potty as soon as he needs to do anything he gets really distressed and wants to get off. I've done the 'straight to pants' method as if he was in pull ups I know he will just be lazy and just go in the nappy.

I'm getting really nervous as he is over 3 and still not potty trained but on the other hand I don't want to give him a negative feeling towards going to the potty.

Any help/suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

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IceMagic · 02/04/2023 21:05

Dd1 was like this. Scared of going without a nappy. I did it in stages. Sit on the potty and go in a nappy, then tear one side of the pull up to go, then both sides, then opened out, then pushed down the loo a bit further from her (then taken out again) She got used to it like that

Kanaloa · 02/04/2023 21:07

He might not be ready. Simple as. I’ve known a few kids in nurseries that don’t train until 3.5 or so. I would give it a month off, but leave the potty out and look at positive stories about potty training etc, and then try him again. I think now that he’s become upset about it I wouldn’t be holding him screaming on the toilet.

IceMagic · 02/04/2023 21:09

Just to add I did each stage several times with a little reward

IceMagic · 02/04/2023 21:10

Agree it might be best to have a break first if he's getting upset

Emyrave · 02/04/2023 21:14

i don’t think he’s ready. We had this for a long time. She just wasn’t ready. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong. One day, my daughter just decided she’d do it (wee). Still not cracked the poo yet. It isn’t a thing that happens / takes bloody ages.

Cherrybl0ssm · 02/04/2023 21:18

Hes not ready. Go back to nappies. Leave it a month or so and try again. It’s easier when the weather is warmer anyway. They can spent the whole day in the garden with a bare bum.

Cherrybl0ssm · 02/04/2023 21:20

1 chocolate button for a wee in toilet or potty is a good incentive.
Potty moved from room to room or in the garden with us.
I must admit a low point was when he pooed on the path and the rolled his favorite toy through it. But we got their in the end.
Mr poo goes to poo land is also a good online resource.

justasmalltownmum · 02/04/2023 21:26

Try again in the summer.

Rubyhaunt · 02/04/2023 21:28

I would stop.

Then when starting again I’d have a few potties in quiet areas. Let him have pants off or just joggers that are easy to pull down and see if having privacy works better for him. Some do better with zero pressure/encouragement/attention.

Bakingwithmyboys · 02/04/2023 21:40

Agree with others, not yet ready.
My DS2 was very stubborn about potty training. I tried at 3 and it was awful. I tried again 6 months later and it was far less traumatic. He's now been potty trained a year and doing fine.

Morningcoffeeview · 02/04/2023 21:44

My DS did a great couple of days and then just point blank refused and was too stressed. I just asked every day “nappy or pants” when he was getting dressed. One day he chose pants and we never used nappies again. It was his choice so he was happy to go along with it.

2bazookas · 02/04/2023 21:49

I'd give up the potty, he's too big for it, and get one of those smaller child seats that fits on the loo; and a step so he can climb on and off himself.

By now he's probably tall enough to stand and pee ; most boys love doing that. His dad can demonstrate both in the toilet and out on walks

PuntoLon · 02/04/2023 22:33

My DD was like this and now I feel it was such unnecessary stress and trauma for her and us. Just give DC a break for now and trust they will do it one fine day not very far off. What worked for us was first asking her to wear pull ups but just do it inside the toilet. The. Slowly with pull ups on the toilet seat and eventually without pull-ups. My DD was wee trained easily in nursery though but Poo was really disastrous and happened almost 6-8 months later after wee training. But yes please do not stress yourself and DC out. They will do it. My DD was 3.5 yo when she finally ditched pull-ups completely. It does feel like a huge deal but it really isn't.

Kanaloa · 03/04/2023 03:11

2bazookas · 02/04/2023 21:49

I'd give up the potty, he's too big for it, and get one of those smaller child seats that fits on the loo; and a step so he can climb on and off himself.

By now he's probably tall enough to stand and pee ; most boys love doing that. His dad can demonstrate both in the toilet and out on walks

What is the mumsnet obsession with pissing in public? There is no reason for his dad to ‘demonstrate out on walks.’ He can potty train his son in their own home.

Kanaloa · 03/04/2023 03:12

Or if he absolutely must urinate outdoors he can do it in their garden. Why on earth would he plan to demonstrate peeing out of doors?

WitheredandOld · 03/04/2023 03:28

We had two failed attempts for both sons until they trained relatively quickly at 3.5.

Super irritating given some of their little friends had been trained for 18 months but what can you do?

Holding in poos is a disaster in the making (ask me how I know….)

WandaWonder · 03/04/2023 03:53

We just let our toddler work it out themselves, didn't think there was a need to take an active thing of it

Catdogmouse1 · 03/04/2023 04:03

Lots of potty play with teddies going first, teddies wearing pants, wiping them etc.... no pressure, all fun for a good few weeks.... then lots of talkimg with my toddler b4 we started. She was just turned 3 and we had a few failed attempts and refusal 2 try, but after some play managed 2 crack it after her birthday

Flubadubba · 03/04/2023 07:23

Days 2 or 3 are generally horrific, but get better. Are you following any n specific system? We followed Oh Crap! (not to the letter, as there were some things that didn't make sense with our lifestyle/parenting style) but was very, very helpful in identifying issues and working to fix them.

One thing I have found is that potty training really works better if you have an unshakable belief that they are ready and can do it. The forst five days are tough, but it is about incremental progress. If he has held his wee for so long, then he can definitely do it physically- but is he ready emotionally? Pooh tends to be harder and come after you've mastered wee (and the book we followed had a huge section on how to resolve pooh issues)

Flubadubba · 03/04/2023 07:26

Oh, and flushing food colouring down the loo and watching it was helpful, as was the free (NHS) app Poo goes to Poohland.

LynetteScavo · 03/04/2023 08:14

If he's able to hold it in he's physically ready.

I'd do away with the potty, stay at home for 5 days with a toilet step and child seat on the toilet. Big up the pants and the rewards he'll get for using the toilet. Ignore any accidents and definitely don't hold him into the potty or toilet. Explain he needs to use the toilet by himself now, and expect him to.

Original poster
Greencouch · 03/04/2023 12:53

Thanks for the replies everyone, I am going to leave it until the summer where he can go bare-bottom in the garden, feel like such a failure that he isn't potty trained when it feels like every single child that is 3 is!

I'm not using a particular method just looking out for the signs, encouraging lots of potty (will now be toilet) time and just lots and lots of praise. He will get there I'm sure but I don't want him to have a negative feeling about it before we have even completed 2 days. So glad we only have to do this once!

OP posts:
Oldermum84 · 03/04/2023 13:11

Just to say my ds is 3.2 and we haven't even tried yet - he's had lots of constipation issues which I don't want to make worse. Have suggested he sit on the potty for wees and he's having none of it. So we're waiting till it's warmer and he'll go bare bummed. You're not alone. Nursery said lots of others his age aren't trained yet (though doesn't seem it at parties be goes too - they all seem to be taken to the toilet, oh well).

MummyandMummytobe · 09/04/2023 22:47

I had the exact same thing with my 3.5yr old a few months ago. After day 1 he just withheld until he was running around crying and clearly in discomfort from being desperate to wee. But would not sit on the potty or toilet. We gave up after about 5 days.

We left it for 3 months and have just this weekend had another go. Completely different experience. He's been in pants/trousers (we offered pullups but he didn't want to wear them) and after a couple of initial accidents, he's been taking himself to the potty for wees and poos and hasn't had any accidents since. He won't use the toilet but we bought a larger potty which looks like a toilet, I think that's probably more comfortable for him than the smaller potties we'd tried before. And letting him collect 'coins' for successful potty trips, to swap for a toy after a certain number, which I think has helped too.

So like others have said, don't worry, he'll get it, just give it a break and try again later, you might be surprised like I definitely have been!!

Original poster
Greencouch · 10/04/2023 22:24

MummyandMummytobe · 09/04/2023 22:47

I had the exact same thing with my 3.5yr old a few months ago. After day 1 he just withheld until he was running around crying and clearly in discomfort from being desperate to wee. But would not sit on the potty or toilet. We gave up after about 5 days.

We left it for 3 months and have just this weekend had another go. Completely different experience. He's been in pants/trousers (we offered pullups but he didn't want to wear them) and after a couple of initial accidents, he's been taking himself to the potty for wees and poos and hasn't had any accidents since. He won't use the toilet but we bought a larger potty which looks like a toilet, I think that's probably more comfortable for him than the smaller potties we'd tried before. And letting him collect 'coins' for successful potty trips, to swap for a toy after a certain number, which I think has helped too.

So like others have said, don't worry, he'll get it, just give it a break and try again later, you might be surprised like I definitely have been!!

Thank you for sharing, this gives me more hope that he isn’t alone, I defiantly thinks he understand what he needs to do but is just not ready yet.

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