Can't breastfeed .. mum guilt is strong

Worrywort98 · 2025-04-03T23:27:41+00:00

I'm nearly 7 weeks pp with my first, and have been struggling with all things lactation. my lovely big boy is a hungry feeder and after delivery, needed topped up with formula as my milk wasnt in yet for a few days. Latching on was a hit and miss and after many attempts when we got home, I decided to pump and bottle feed as he seemed to prefer bottles and was getting upset/frustrated at the breast. I also didn't enjoy the feeling of breastfeeding. My nipples were in bits and the constant pain/sensitivity was too much. Pumping is a lot of work and due to tiredness, I missed a night pump and the next morning ended up with mastitis. This has been the nail in the coffin to be honest and I've given up, he's now on formula. I feel guilty because I know there are mums out there who don't have a milk supply who would like their baby to have breastmilk but can't and heres me giving mine up to formula feed. Everyone says breast is best and it's hard to not feel guilty about that. I just wasn't prepared for how difficult and painful lactating is. Constant throbbing boob's and sore sensitive nipples, mood swings, horrific night sweats... I could go on .. Please tell me I'm not alone.

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Karmakamelion · 04/04/2025 00:32

You have given your son a fabulous start and if you are ready to give up then please remember that you are giving a safe alternative. You are most definitely not alone. Doing what's best for both of you is a very wise decision xx

mummytrex · 04/04/2025 00:39

Oh op. I'm also 7w pp and have been unable to establish a milk supply. Honestly don't beat yourself up.

My son is growing well and my daughter (previous pregnancy) has turned out perfectly fine on formula despite being born at 24 weeks and people repeatedly telling me I needed to express milk for her to survive/thrive - I nearly drove myself insane. So yes I'm sure breast probably is best, but So long as baby is fed that is all that matters.

MsNevermore · 04/04/2025 00:43

You’ve done amazingly.

When I had my first, I was under the impression that breastfeeding “is so natural” and would just happen…….hahahahaha let’s all laugh together shall we? 🫠🫠🫠😂

Breastfeeding doesn’t always come easy. It’s a skill that both mum and baby have to learn to do together, and even then? There are soooo many obstacles that can pop up and make it even harder!

Turns out my DD had a posterior tongue tie right at the very back that wasn’t spotted until her first dentist visit when she was 15m old……so that’s the most likely reason why breastfeeding was excruciatingly painful! I fed her directly for the first week. Most of the time in tears and gritting my teeth through the pain. Then I combi-fed her a mix of formula and pumped breastmilk. And then? I thought “sod this” - constantly attached to a pump, washing pump parts etc, I hated it. So I switched to formula 🤷🏻‍♀️
DC2 had a lot of complex medical needs and needed specialist formula from a few weeks old.
DC3 was breastfed directly until their 3rd birthday, never had a bottle of formula or pumped breastmilk.

My point is: you wouldn’t know which of my DC’s was fed formula or breastmilk unless I told you!

we all know that scientifically speaking, breastmilk is the optimum source of nutrition for human infants. BUT formula is a perfectly adequate alternative.
You’re not doing anything wrong by giving your baby formula!
If it works for you and your baby, then that’s what matters.
Be kind to yourself OP! Growing tiny humans is hard enough without beating yourself up about this one thing ❤️

FoxFaceRabbitFish · 04/04/2025 00:45

Try not to compare yourself to others, there are so many factors at play but it sounds like you’ve made the right decision for you. The best thing for your baby is a happy relaxed mum.

CrazyCatMam · 04/04/2025 00:52

You are most definitely not alone. I tried breastfeeding all three of mine and I just couldn’t do it!

Spent a small fortune on lactation consultants, hospital grade pumps, breast shields, cup thingies to wear in my bra that caught leaked milk, books, special bottles. I still didn’t manage.

I cried each time that I gave up and switched to formula. With my last, because I knew it was my last and I was so determined that this time I would actually crack it, I remember sobbing in the bath, feeling like a complete failure.

Looking back, it caused me so much physical pain upset and lack of sleep, I wish I’d never even tried!

MummaC59 · 04/04/2025 01:05

Firstly, you definitely are not alone!
Many people have the misconception that breastfeeding is painful/uncomfortable but it should not be!

Research has shown that over 50% of new mothers don't reach their breastfeeding goals and stop before they are ready to.
Additionally, although people offer words of support and advice it can feel unsympathetic to the mother who feels she is failing and wants to continue breastfeeding.

There is help out there and you are not alone. You are not wrong or failing to need help.
Imagine learning to ride a bike or drive a car, it's a skill with so much going on at once. Breastfeeding is the same! And harder as there is another little person involved who is also learning with you.

La Leche League is an incredible organisation (they have massively helped me and given me an amazing community of mums who share many of the same values as me)
They are international and have groups across the UK, check their website for info and find your local group. They are welcoming and supportive and want to help you

An IBCLC may also help, but they are in private practice so may not be affordable for everyone.
My favourites on Instagram are
@emmapickettibclc (she also has a fab podcast called Makes Milk)
@lucywebberfeedingsupport_ibclc
@drnaomidowibclc
@kathrybstaggibclc
They regularly post info and resources and is free to access on Instagram

Please, please seek help and do what feels right for you and your baby.
Formula is a wonderful thing but don't feel you can't continue breastfeeding if you still want to breastfeed.

VashtaNerada · 04/04/2025 01:52

Please don’t beat yourself up. BF didn’t work out with either of my DC but we’ve grown up with such a close relationship it really didn’t turn out to matter at all. They’re teens now and still very lovely and affectionate. It all felt so important back then but I never think of it now.

Original poster

Worrywort98 · 04/04/2025 09:48

Thank you each and every one of you for your encouraging and empathetic responses! It truly has helped me to feel less alone and that perhaps formula feeding isn't the end of the world (like midwives make you feel it is ha)
For something that is supposed to be so natural, it's bloody hard! ❣️

OP posts:

MsNevermore · 04/04/2025 14:36

Worrywort98 · 04/04/2025 09:48

Thank you each and every one of you for your encouraging and empathetic responses! It truly has helped me to feel less alone and that perhaps formula feeding isn't the end of the world (like midwives make you feel it is ha)
For something that is supposed to be so natural, it's bloody hard! ❣️

It’s really is hard!
And think: as much as the “breast is best” message is pushed during pregnancy, the support for mums to actually succeed is woefully inadequate.
When I had my eldest, after she was born a midwife grabbed my boob, shoved baby on it and that was that. I was never shown how to latch her correctly and had to figure it out on my own. I had no idea it was normal for a breastfed baby to want to feed every hour or so in the early days - I was scared I was starving her.
A lot of new mums in this day and age have never seen breastfeeding up close until they have their own baby - I was the first person in generations of my family to even attempt it, so my mum, sister, cousins etc couldn’t help me because none of them knew how 🤷🏻‍♀️ Whereas back in the days before formula was readily available, new mums would be surrounded by female family and friends who had all breastfed their own babies and had help and support on tap!

blackmousewhitetail · 04/04/2025 14:38

Yes I had it as well.

It's awful.

Don't think anything can change my feelings about it

Yesterdaytodaytomorrowagain · 04/04/2025 14:47

I persevered for about 5 weeks and it was torture, DS was hungry as he wasn’t getting enough, poor latch and pumping was a nightmare. I succumbed with guilt to bottle after 5 weeks and the relief was immense. Looking back I wish I hadn’t put myself under so much pressure. I have a strapping 6’ boy now who really didn’t come to any harm from not being exclusively breastfed for months on end. Dont feel guilty, switch to bottle…. and you can then also enjoy a glass of wine for giving your baby the best start! x

Shetlands · 04/04/2025 14:48

For some mums, it can be so difficult to establish breastfeeding that you have no choice but to start formula feeding. It happened to me (twice) and to my daughter with her first baby (second was easy). Babies need food so the priority is to feed them, however you do it. Please don't feel guilty - your baby just needs nourishment and love, which you are providing. 💐

W0tnow · 04/04/2025 14:54

I’ve said this many, many times. I know that breast milk is super nutritious and perfectly designed for babies. I still think that ultimately, what they are fed from weaning until they are adults, and their subsequent attitude to food, plays more of a role in their ultimate health. Like you, I lasted about 2 months with my first. She’s now a first year med student. Congratulations on your baby!

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 04/04/2025 15:00

Posts like these are tragic.
Fed is best. Healthy is best. ‘Guilt’ over ensuring your kid is fed? Crazy.

Ponderingwindow · 04/04/2025 15:19

You are not alone. You have told a classic tale of having breastfeeding sabotaged by the medical system. Proper lactation support keeps a healthy baby at the breast, even if formula is also added via tube and syringe. It’s more work, so they just hand out bottles of formula instead.

you have no reason to feel guilty. If you need to feel anything, be angry.

but really, just let it go. What matters is that your baby is growing and happy. What matters is that you prioritize your own mental health.

Liondoesntsleepatnight · 04/04/2025 15:21

In Ireland breast feeding rates are low and have a healthy population. I struggled for 6 weeks with combined feeding then FF. my DS totally healthy.

Lottie6712 · 04/04/2025 17:04

Worrywort98 · 04/04/2025 09:48

Thank you each and every one of you for your encouraging and empathetic responses! It truly has helped me to feel less alone and that perhaps formula feeding isn't the end of the world (like midwives make you feel it is ha)
For something that is supposed to be so natural, it's bloody hard! ❣️

It is SO HARD. I breastfed both of mine and cannot see one difference between our children with friends who have ff. Please don't feel guilty if you want to stop!

Original poster

Worrywort98 · 04/04/2025 17:39

Liondoesntsleepatnight · 04/04/2025 15:21

In Ireland breast feeding rates are low and have a healthy population. I struggled for 6 weeks with combined feeding then FF. my DS totally healthy.

Yup I am in Ireland also. As I'm on antibiotics for mastitis I have made the conscious decision to let my milk dry up. Fed is best and my mental health and nips need to recover lol.

OP posts:

Original poster

Worrywort98 · 04/04/2025 17:48

Yesterdaytodaytomorrowagain · 04/04/2025 14:47

I persevered for about 5 weeks and it was torture, DS was hungry as he wasn’t getting enough, poor latch and pumping was a nightmare. I succumbed with guilt to bottle after 5 weeks and the relief was immense. Looking back I wish I hadn’t put myself under so much pressure. I have a strapping 6’ boy now who really didn’t come to any harm from not being exclusively breastfed for months on end. Dont feel guilty, switch to bottle…. and you can then also enjoy a glass of wine for giving your baby the best start! x

Love this! Fed is best .
I saw a tragic video recently of a woman describing how her baby had died because she had been trying to exclusively breastfeed and her baby was so dehydrated and ended up sadly passing away because of it.. that has also scared me into letting go of the breastfeeding thing.

After a rough episiotomy recovery and now mastitis, I certainly feel like I've earned a glass of wine lol 😆

OP posts:

Original poster

Worrywort98 · 04/04/2025 17:49

Lottie6712 · 04/04/2025 17:04

It is SO HARD. I breastfed both of mine and cannot see one difference between our children with friends who have ff. Please don't feel guilty if you want to stop!

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Thanks! Bless you ❤️

OP posts:

OMGitsnotgood · 04/04/2025 17:52

Please don’t feel guilty. The most important thing is a well loved and well cared for baby and if that means bottle feeding, so be it. I am very pro breast feeding - if it works for you. But it doesn’t for everyone. I wasn’t breastfed as my Mum was too ill after I was born and I have an amazing immune system, was hardly ever off school or work. Please, please enjoy your baby. These days are so precious x

Original poster

Worrywort98 · 04/04/2025 17:59

MsNevermore · 04/04/2025 00:43

You’ve done amazingly.

When I had my first, I was under the impression that breastfeeding “is so natural” and would just happen…….hahahahaha let’s all laugh together shall we? 🫠🫠🫠😂

Breastfeeding doesn’t always come easy. It’s a skill that both mum and baby have to learn to do together, and even then? There are soooo many obstacles that can pop up and make it even harder!

Turns out my DD had a posterior tongue tie right at the very back that wasn’t spotted until her first dentist visit when she was 15m old……so that’s the most likely reason why breastfeeding was excruciatingly painful! I fed her directly for the first week. Most of the time in tears and gritting my teeth through the pain. Then I combi-fed her a mix of formula and pumped breastmilk. And then? I thought “sod this” - constantly attached to a pump, washing pump parts etc, I hated it. So I switched to formula 🤷🏻‍♀️
DC2 had a lot of complex medical needs and needed specialist formula from a few weeks old.
DC3 was breastfed directly until their 3rd birthday, never had a bottle of formula or pumped breastmilk.

My point is: you wouldn’t know which of my DC’s was fed formula or breastmilk unless I told you!

we all know that scientifically speaking, breastmilk is the optimum source of nutrition for human infants. BUT formula is a perfectly adequate alternative.
You’re not doing anything wrong by giving your baby formula!
If it works for you and your baby, then that’s what matters.
Be kind to yourself OP! Growing tiny humans is hard enough without beating yourself up about this one thing ❤️

❤️❤️❤️

Yes... breastfeeding is actually somewhat "unnatural" feeling in some ways haha! Its weirdly difficult and support is minimal 🫠
I'm so glad to read your story, thank you for sharing x

OP posts:

Wheech · 04/04/2025 18:03

And think: as much as the “breast is best” message is pushed during pregnancy, the support for mums to actually succeed is woefully inadequate.

I couldn't agree more with @MsNevermore We hear all through pregnancy that we must breastfeed and then the baby arrives and nothing. I have my own story I'll not go into but pumped for 6ish weeks and still feel sad and guilty that a) I didn't do it for longer and b) I spent too much time pumping and not enough holding my beautiful newborn. For what it's worth he's a bit strong healthy 11 year old so anything I feel is a feeling not a fact. You have done well and you love your little one which is WAY more important than what they are fed.

Original poster

Worrywort98 · 04/04/2025 18:06

Wheech · 04/04/2025 18:03

And think: as much as the “breast is best” message is pushed during pregnancy, the support for mums to actually succeed is woefully inadequate.

I couldn't agree more with @MsNevermore We hear all through pregnancy that we must breastfeed and then the baby arrives and nothing. I have my own story I'll not go into but pumped for 6ish weeks and still feel sad and guilty that a) I didn't do it for longer and b) I spent too much time pumping and not enough holding my beautiful newborn. For what it's worth he's a bit strong healthy 11 year old so anything I feel is a feeling not a fact. You have done well and you love your little one which is WAY more important than what they are fed.

Totally understand where you're coming from! 6 weeks of pumping here too and in some ways I wish I had taken the stress and pressure off myself weeks ago, I feel like I would have enjoyed those first weeks a lot more if I hadn't been sat pumping and stressing about it all. Not to mention the difficulty of trying to pump while hubby is at work and baby is crying to be fed, Etc etc

OP posts:

readingismycardio · 04/04/2025 18:08

I have a similar story, OP. Terrible latch, pumping on top of everything else, and before I knew it, I was depressed. Then the guilt, etc. it’s been almost a year and I want you to know that I made peace with it. I did the best I could with the support and information I had at the time. And I’m sure you did too.