Can't breastfeed .. mum guilt is strong

[Worrywort98]

I'm nearly 7 weeks pp with my first, and have been struggling with all things lactation.

my lovely big boy is a hungry feeder and after delivery, needed topped up with formula as my milk wasnt in yet for a few days. Latching on was a hit and miss and after many attempts when we got home, I decided to pump and bottle feed as he seemed to prefer bottles and was getting upset/frustrated at the breast.

I also didn't enjoy the feeling of breastfeeding. My nipples were in bits and the constant pain/sensitivity was too much.

Pumping is a lot of work and due to tiredness, I missed a night pump and the next morning ended up with mastitis. This has been the nail in the coffin to be honest and I've given up, he's now on formula.

I feel guilty because I know there are mums out there who don't have a milk supply who would like their baby to have breastmilk but can't and heres me giving mine up to formula feed. Everyone says breast is best and it's hard to not feel guilty about that.

I just wasn't prepared for how difficult and painful lactating is. Constant throbbing boob's and sore sensitive nipples, mood swings, horrific night sweats... I could go on ..

Please tell me I'm not alone.

Thank you for sharing! I'm sorry you went through this as well. Postpartum is a wild ride and I feel like a lot of people that have babies don't really talk about the breastfeeding element of things!

Thanks so much! Yes, unfortunately bfing is portrayed as something magical and natural. And sometimes… it just isn’t. I kept thinking all the time “what if I tried more?”. Now I know that my baby wasn’t putting any weight on and I stood no chance. Cut yourself some slack. You’re doing amazing, I promise!

I have not breastfed. Our children are absolutely fine and grown

My MIL did not either. Sensitive women find it hard

Congratulations on your new baby.

i decided to use formula from day one - DC’s couldn’t have been healthier. Healthy baby = happy parents. You’re no less of a great parent by using formula. It’s amazing!

I didn’t get any milk whatsoever, nada. I had an emergency c section and was told the trauma of this possibly stopped the let down reflex. Humongous tits, I went from 36B to 40DD, I’m only 5’3” and petite, hideous, they were SO heavy. Thankfully they went back to normal pretty quickly and no stretch marks.

I like you felt guilty, I didn’t even produce colostrum. My Goddaughter breast fed her son for nearly a year. He has lactose intolerance, eczema, and asthma. So don’t beat yourself up, you’ve tried and it’s not easy. I did try until I realised nothing was there and I personally found the feeling unnatural, not enjoyable at all.

I was similar to @snippit in that I had an emergency c section. I did try to breastfeed but it was tough. I did manage to pump for a bit.

Then we discovered DS had a heart condition that needed a procedure when he was two weeks old. No sign of it right up until then apart from being a 'lazy' feeder according to the mid wives. The lazy feeding was, in fact, his body making the decision to run the respiratory system rather than the digestive system as he didn't have enough energy to do both.

So emergency heart procedure for him and I went down with a wound infection. Everything dried up then so we switched to formula.

About three months later I bumped into the lactation nurse who had done the anti natal classes in BF. She asked how I was getting on and it all poured out - the trauma, the worry, the guilt at not BF. She put her arm around me and said 'you're feeding him. It's fine'.

DS still has his heart condition and will have for the rest of his life with, potentially, more operations to come. But apart from that he barely had a day off sick from school.

So in the words of that lactation nurse - you're feeding your child. It's fine. As long as you're happy, your child will be happy. If you do want to try BF again there are places that can help - but if you don't, that's fine. Move on and enjoy being a mum. Breast or bottle, the feeding will stop eventually. Being a mum doesn't stop. That's the thing to do well.

Sympathy and support here too OP.
I'd done a bit of mental prep before the birth because I didn't want to feel bad if I ended up having a section (which is what happened in the end so I'm glad I made my peace with it before hand). Buti really wasn't prepared for the stress and emotions involved in not being able to breast feed. It was awful, I felt in the grip of some madness that I couldn't shake. I did manage to mix feed in the end but I'm not sure how much it was worth it. My husband has really fond memories of feeding DD which I don't begrudge but am envious of - not my experience at all. I look at my 5 year old now and I can't see any difference between her and her peers. You've made the best decision for you and, honestly, stranger to stranger, I'm genuinely happy for you x

Hi OP - I was in your position nearly 11 years ago. I truly believed all the rubbish that my daughter would be ill all the time, less clever than her peers, etc etc. She's never ill and is considered academically gifted, so that just goes to show you what they know 🤣

What really helped me get through the feelings of guilt was someone said to me, if you were to stand in a room full of 5 year olds, would you be able to point out which ones were breastfed and which were formula fed? No, you absolutely wouldn't - so relax ❤️

Op I had the same problem. Didn't know if my son was getting enough milk so went onto formula. He's now 19 , over 6 foot tall..... bottle fed did him no harm x

My kids are adults but I still recall the guilt and almost shame that BF didn’t work for me. A sanctimonious friend with a baby weeks older used to love pointing out that it was sooo much better for baby, and how they’d get glue ear, and forever be failing their exams! Conveniently, her children both turned out to be permanently snotty nosed kids despite the BF until they were toddlers and mine, despite their rough start on unnatural formula were rarely ill and managed decent exam results!

Do what’s best for you Op. I promise that in a few months, it won’t matter a jot how they were fed as a baby - they’ll all be shoving a biscuit that’s fallen on the floor into their mouths if you’re not quick enough to stop them!

Bless you. Sometimes it's just too hard. Let us give thanks for clean water and well regulated baby formula milk. It's good to live in the 21st century.

Never forget that the NHS provide daily milk clinics and there’s a national support line for breast feeding. If that doesn’t say it’s not easy I don’t know what does!! Be kind to yourself, as long as your baby is fed that’s all that matters x

I’m in awe of those of you who manage to pump. I breastfed for years but trying to pump (if I was going to be away from baby for a day) drove me to distraction. It’s so hard!

I found breastfeeding itself okay, but I know I just got lucky. My eldest was a great feeder, he just seemed to know what he was doing, which was lucky for me as I didn’t have a clue!!
His younger siblings had a tougher time getting started, but because I was used to it at that stage, I was very relaxed while they got the hang of it.

But it was all just luck!! Please don’t feel guilty OP, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I understand why you feel like this, but when you look at it objectively...my dc are 21,19, 17. I know all their friends. Do you think I could pick out which ones were BF vs FF? Absolutely no way!
There are soooo many parenting decisions/ mistakes you will make throughout their lives, and most if them will have far more impact. I also felt a lot of pressure to BF , and did so successfully, but in the years that came later I realised how insignificant a decision this was vs the much harder parenting decisions! Let yourself off the hook! In the long term it really doesn't make any difference

When struggling with difficult feelings over my own breastfeeding experience, I was recommended this book. It isn't a long read.

https://professoramybrown.co.uk/breastfeeding-grief

It might help you to put what has happened into perspective and move on.

Incidentally, my experience was rather the opposite to yours. I couldn't ever make enough milk, so had to formula feed alongside boob. Still felt guilty. Still hated pumping. Still found it painful and difficult to learn. Still had some guilt and trauma.

2 years in, I'm still breastfeeding a toddler with no real idea how to make the break from the beloved "beebies". At least you won't have to deal with particular element of guilt down the line!

For me, the feelings of failure got better once she started solids at 6 months. Suddenly milk didn't seem the same sort of be all and end all! And you start to have 101 other things to stress about instead - the head bumps, the fact they eat fruit and not veg, whether you're giving them enough stimulation, needing to go back to work, nursery...

Parenting choices start now, you'll gain confidence in tge ones you make!

Same op. They just would not latch. My child is 2 now, but I remember with the very little sleep time I got, sitting on the side of the bed pumping 9 times a day. 5 hours a day hooked up to the pump. I’d make sure I pumped for a full hour between 3 and 4am because it apparently helped supply. I’d get 15ml out of each boob if I was lucky. I spent a fortune on the pump, BF consultant, brewers yeast supplements. Fenugreek everything, and got the tongue tie release.

My NCT group would say - ‘oh I was just determined to make it work’. Like I wasn’t…

Then I’d go on Instagram stories and see Katherine Ryan effortlessly lash out litres between appointments.

I felt fucking useless.

I want you to know you’re doing great. Your baby is fed and is fine. This will be a very distant memory very soon and will mean f-all when all you can get them to eat is chicken nuggets and the kiddylicious cheese straws 😂 Hang on in there. It’s going to be ok. X

I had my first in hospital and the midwife "help" on the ward was worse than useless. The only reason I hadn't given up before leaving for home was a student midwife who had actually done it taking the time to sit with me (and being told off for doing so by the ward sister). In the UK we are bombarded with "breast is best" by the NHS but the actual knowledgeable support to breast feed is largely non existent if you can't access it privately or via friends.

What made a real difference was practical, experienced help from a breast feeding counsellor. Mine was NCT but I believe the La Leche league is bigger in Ireland. It was transformative - practical help, time taken and gradually things were better. Once past the initial hard weeks I reaped the dividends - breast fed babies are very portable, all you need for travel is a spare nappy. Interestingly the subsequent three DC were easy to establish with feeding which I put down to me being less anxious and having learned some of the practical skills.

Decide what you want to do and go for it and move on. If you really wanted to breast feed a properly trained counsellor can make a real difference but ultimately as you say - fed is best. Whatever you decide, you have already fed for the earliest most critical weeks

It does sound like a tongue tie or something, but if you move to formula, don't worry about it. I bf mine for ages, and they have allergies etc and are often sick. My friend ff hers from birth and they are rarely sick. So much for all the bf!

Stop feeling bad about it. Your baby is healthy and thriving so you are doing a great job. You can also enjoy getting your body back a bit quicker and in all honestly your baby will show no gratitude for your sacrifices when they are older anyway and will instantly fill their body with fast food and sugar the minute they get a hint of freedom anyway. So in the grand scheme of things they will be fine.

I really don't know why there isn't more realistic support for breastfeeding. I bf both of mine and both times the first couple of months were excruciatingly painful. I got stock responses from health care staff....it shouldn't hurt if your latch is good. The thing is, second time round I knew the latch was good and it still bloody hurt. If they were honest and said, look it will hurt to start with and that can be normal for some people and then gave more support to manage that I think it would really help.

Congratulations on your baby op.

Totally agree with this. They say "if it's sore, you're doing it wrong", so now you're not only in pain, you're doing it wrong!
It hurts. For 2weeks. Why can't they just be honest and stop making women feel like crap hen it's not all happy rainbows?

You are not alone. I have a 5 week old baby boy and am still so upset that I couldn't get him to latch.

Trying to look at the positives of formula, but it is hard.

Positives of formula feeding (if it helps you):
-You know how much they are taking. This avoids the madness of worrying about if you're feeding enough. One of the big early anxieties gone!
-I do think the whole formula fed babies sleep better isnt exactly true, but I do think they are less likely to wake every hour all night to breastfeed. What I think is going on, is that it's easier to get the total calories needed by a baby into them within daylight hours if you're offering bottles. A breastfed baby generally takes about 90ml a feed (so I read). So it takes a LOT if daytime feeds to get enough milk into them, for them to sleep through the night.
-Earlier freedom to leave your baby. Yes, you can pump and leave expressed milk, but I found the hormonal turmoil caused by getting caught away from my baby for a bit too long, full and uncomfortable, was awful. Had panic attacks. On longer trips the lack of breastfeeding makes my mood low. And I have never been exclusively breasfeeding!!
-You don't need to faff with vitamin drops, and know that if they are drinking 500ml each day, they're getting a standard dose of vitamins
-You don't have to whip your boobs out in public to feed your baby
-Formula feeding doesn't hurt. Except maybe your ears if you take too long to make up a bottle.
-No leaky boobs dribbling milk everywhere.

Now obviously, there are advantages to breastfeeding. But let's not pretend there isn't a reason that lots of people end up stopping long before their baby is weaned! I appreciate at 5 weeks, you've probably not left the house enough to be able to note these advantages.

I feel guilty because I know there are mums out there who don't have a milk supply who would like their baby to have breastmilk but can't and heres me giving mine up to formula feed.

Those two things are completely unrelated. You carrying on breastfeeding when you don't want to would do absolutely nothing for women who don't have a milk supply. It's not something to give any headroom to at all.