Is it normal to fell like this about your partner?

[FTMaz]

Hi,
my DS is currently 4 months old. Prior to his birth I absolutely doted on my partner. However since having DS I just feel like I don’t care about him as much. Like if he left tomorrow I’d be sad my DS was going to grow up in a house without his Dad but that’s about it. Small things he does really annoy me, for example we were on a train and there was a couple sitting across from us who also had a young baby. They had been trying to get their baby to sleep for ages when partner decided to pop open a bag of crisps instead of opening them normally. This made loads of people jump and woke up the baby who started to cry. I was absolutely mortified and just thought what an absolute fucking idiot but I couldn’t let it go and told him he had embarrassed me and was selfish, a complete over reaction. I could write loads of examples of things he does like the above that are small but I find them so irritating.

Is it normal to feel this way after having a baby and if so what are the reasons for it? Also does it get better?

for me personally I found dh incredibly frustrating after having dd. I had absolutely no patience for him and found him so frustrating. I think the combination of the stress of first time parenthood, having to save all my patience for baby and sleep deprivation just made me unable to tolerate anything about him. That and all the things we loved doing together stopped (as is normal with a new baby). Babies put an incredible amount of pressure on couples, it’s no wonder so many people split after a baby. Fortunately as she’s gotten older this has definitely calmed down and our relationship is strong and happy now (although he does still piss me off occasionally)

although I must admit, the train situation you described would have really pissed me off - just why???😫

You’re still in the very early days, I’m sure things will calm down but give it time. Make time for each other as a couple but most importantly give time for yourself. Sometimes I just had to sit in a room alone to calm myself when things got too frustrating - it definitely helps

Popping a bag of crisps on a train is moronic.

When the kids were small I definitely had a couple of patches of feeling less in love with DH - found him more irritating, didn't want to be intimate etc - I guess just all the energy small kids took. These seemed to stop once they were school age though.

I'd say ride it out for now, you'll probably find it passes, but if it doesn't after a few months there may be deeper questions to ask.

IME it's really normal to feel like this when you have a tiny baby and your feelings for DH will return in time.

I think it’s very normal. In fact I really enjoyed a book called ‘how not to hate your husband after kids’!

I felt like this after my first, got over it after about a year then a year after fell with our second and am currently feeling it now, our LO is three months. I know this time around though that it’s hormonal so keep reminding myself of all his great qualities and the things I love about him. I do wonder if it’s biologically beneficial for us to feel desire for our partners in the early months after birth to prevent pregnancy before our bodies/babies are ready

Yea that’s a good way of looking at it. I feel like I constantly complain but that if he wasn’t being so bloody annoying I wouldn’t be complaining 😂 did you speak to your partner about it or just ride the wave?

I may have to audio book it and use it to drown out the irritants 😂

I think I will have a read of this book. I am pregnant with number two and could quite happily murder leave my partner at times already 😄 I love him really.

I hope so! I actually found it quite tricky to settle down with someone because if I wasn’t fully ‘in’ I just couldn’t be arsed 😂 but with him everything was great..until DS which sounds really sad

I could get over it if he was 14…but he’s in his 40s how is popping crisps still a thing 🙄

Exactly JUST OPEN THE CRISPS LIKE A NORMAL PERSON 😂

I hope we come out the other side!

Popping crisps on a train after I had got the baby to sleep would have given me the rage. And the ick. What a twat!

It does pass after a year or so. It’s not as bad second time around.
If you’ve got a spare bed it’s nice to sleep apart a few nights a week for a bit of peace and calm

I think it’s completely normal, I felt exactly the same after I has DS. The popping the crisps open would have really annoyed me too.

I was the opposite. I used to feel anxious when dh went out, wondering how I was going to cope.
But he was always better with the kids than me.
Maybe make sure your partner is doing loads and taking responsibility for the baby, and you then will appreciate him more.
Also, he'd know not to do things that would wake them up, if he'd spent ages getting them off to sleep.

I didn’t tell him the first time but have done this time around and we actually laugh about it now, he’ll say oh what have I done to irritate you now 😂 it’s made it easier to cope with the feelings

Yeah it's normal. I can't even stand the way he breathes sometimes!!!!! 😂

I think it's a combination of hormones, tiredness, pressure of being a parent, coupled with the fact that men can get resentful/jealous that they are no longer the centre of attention and act like complete idiots.

Fair enough to accept it as a normal stage but I'd try to look for the positives too - aim to keep your intimacy going, that kind of thing, bite your lip sometimes if you can, we all make mistakes. Small children are tough, if you don't feel like a team at the moment at least look for that feeling when you can.

I think it's quite normal. Before kids DH was the most important thing in my life. Everything was about him, us, our life together. The kids came and suddenly there's someone more important. I was also extremely sleep deprived and exhausted and irritable. I just didn't have the time or energy to focus on our relationship. Everything revolved around the baby and just surviving really!
Things improved as the children got older and we started clawing our lives back.

I think it’s definitely natures way of stopping you having another one too soon. 15 years on dh and I have made it out alive but I think the early months of Ds scarred us for life!

But yes the crisp packet wtf!!

I think the baby making hormones trick us into ignoring a lot of irritating behaviour in favour of procreation. Then they disappear (because nature doesnt want us to procreate again straight away) and coupled with sleep deprivation and new priorities it's common to realise what an utter knob you have now saddled yourself with in the year after the birth.

If you are lucky it's it's temporary feeling that goes when the child starts sleeping better, rather than a horrific realisation that you did indeed, have children with an utter knob.

Thanks everyone. In a strange turn of events I slipped on wet floor this morning whilst holding DS 😢 as I fell I lifted him in the air and took the full force on the right side of my back. Suspecting at best bruised at worse broken rib/ribs. DS completely fine thank god. In so much pain can’t pick DS or really do anything. Partner has been amazing and non irritating 😂 so I may like him again today.

although he is yet to eat a bag of crisps…..😂