personal rant. I want to die. I feel traumatised. ( long read).. Just a rant.

[mrxrsx]

I live at home with my mum still as my learning difficulties make me unable to leave right now and tbh she’s my carer so even if i tried what she says goes for me.. I don’t have strong reliable friends either. ( I feel pathetic for this )

First time I got pregnant was 3 years ago she didn’t want me to get an abortion but she came with me to the clinic ( tbh I was stealthed in a way wasn’t my fault at all)… but it ended up being a early miscarriage. Also she’s very pro choice? but I was her only way of getting a grandchild.

This time around I thought she would be supportive but I just felt pressured from the start to keep… ( my mistake for telling her i suppose) then it got worse she talked me out of abortion twice.

During pregnancy and now I’ve been so suicidal, angry, intrusive thoughts, depressed, crying in the street, trying to throw myself at cars.

My mum doesn’t give a shit at all, she said I did the deed, it’s not the child’s fault, if i was to have an abortion just leave ( should have done that but would have been difficult and scary), just shut up and deal with it, i’m just being silly, acting like i’m a nuisance, just be happy/why can’t i just be happy, why embarrass her or myself by throwing myself at cars in the street, you’ll feel different once the child’s born etc, i only wanted to have an abortion because the dad didn’t want it and that’s unfair ( which isn’t true, dad is deadbeat and didn’t want but for totally different reasons but i guess it’s easier for her to blame someone else than herself).

The birth was traumatic and I don’t dislike or hate my son, I do my motherhood job and the intrusive thoughts go away when I look at him and i think he’s a cute baby but I am resentful of how things played out for myself and regards to him sadly so far there’s nothing there in terms of like/love/respect(?). i’m also feeling weak and stupid for trying to get an early and late abortion and being talked out of it twice by her because according to her parenting “ isn’t so bad at all” .

My mum was even pushing me to have a c section… just because she had one and was fine afterwards and because you don’t feel pain… i kept telling her i don’t want one but she kept pushing. ( it nearly happened but I had a medicated normal delivery, mainly because before delivery and during labour the doctors/hospital didn’t really want me to have one and even told her she can’t make that decision for me)

Straight after delivery I wanted to say yes to some immusations but I couldn’t because she was in the room when I gave birth obviously and she disapproves. All this makes me feel like shit on top. That no matter what I just feel like I can’t say no and if I do i wouldn’t hear the end of it, she would bicker at me forever. I feel powerless.

I feel sad and guilty my child has entered the world like this. But at least someone wanted him from the start as a very shit silver lining. I never want to come home. It’s been 12 PP but I don’t so far feel differently at all. I don’t see the point of living anymore if i can be controlled like this and don’t have any strength to even fight back. I just feel broken. I’ve been suicidal as a teenager but nothing like this. the world looks bleak. I just feel stupid, gross, mean and pathetic. I feel bad for my son aswell, so terrible I am towards him feeling like this.

My mum doesn’t want me to go too much counselling in case my childs taken into care.. ( I would be scared of putting him or any baby into care anyway and I think that would be so shit for me, going through all that just to put into care, also i’d be thrown out so what’s the point, if so be it can look after him).

I don’t know what to do. I’m dealing with postpartum aswell obviously. Feel free to judge if you got this far i’m just so gone. I do stupid things and gotten in debt..everyday i’m ignoring responsibilities and people.

This is a very immature thing to say but I wish my mum loved me as much as she loves my son. :(

Wow, I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling as much as you are. I have so many things to say about your mum I really don’t know where to start.

You say she’s your carer, does that mean you’re not able to live independently? You said your son’s dad is a deadbeat so is he not involved at all? Is it literally your mum that you depend on because I can see how you may feel trapped.

No one should force you to make decisions you’re not happy with and I’m sure you already know that. She wasn’t happy for you to have an abortion (wtf?!) and even pressured you into having a C section. Does she need to be SO involved in your life? I understand you live together but surely she really doesn’t have to have a say in every single thing?

You can access counselling on the NHS on the link below and if your child is still under the age of one, you’ll be fast tracked so the wait isn’t as long. Simply don’t tell her that you’re having therapy? Why does she need to know? You sound like you have a lot of trauma relating to the birth and CBT will help a lot. I had it when I first had my daughter and it helped so much.

I’m not sure how dependant you are/have to be on your mum so I don’t want to advise trying to move out when that’s not possible. Even if you could speak with the health visitor during your son’s next appointment to let them know how you’re feeling. Your mum sounds abusive and she’s making your mental health so much worse! I’m so sorry

Firstly I want to say that I'm so sorry you are feeling this way and dealing with such a load.
It sounds like you have little control over your life choices.
You mentioned learning disability being a barrier to moving out. Do you have someone else like a health professional who can advocate your wishes on your behalf?
I recommend you speak to your GP and health visitor and tell them what you have written here or even show them this thread.
There is help for you and your son to get away to a healthier environment away from your mum.
It sounds as though your mum takes advantage of your disability ?
You have been through a very hard time and are showing great resilience by being a fantastic mum putting your son first even thought you feel like this.
Please reach out asap for help and support to stop this cycle and keep posting

sorry for this long reply….

Sorry I meant to say in my post that i’m 12 days PP well 13 now so it’s very early days. I did the other night after typing this out gave him his night feed and a felt a cuteness overload but still generally feel the same. I hope one day I can feel the unconditional love that you can’t explain with him, an innocent baby deserves to feel that from at least one of his parents. So far he’s not a chore to parent for. He sleeps a lot the only adjustment so far is to feed every 3 hours ( and the morning wash, changes clothes/nappy have him in hand for a bit). I don’t resent him as a baby/person just resent the situation. As I said no hate/dislike but no love it’s a detachment atm.

No i’m not able to live independently, I am sort of halfway there but not 100% there’s still some things i need help with, and it’s taken 5 years for me to get a job, which i’m not that good at anyways but my job sees i’m trying ( one of the reasons I personally wanted an abortion, it would have been sad for me to deny a potential life but i would have rather moved out and been a bit more stable before having a child even though my LD will never completely go away). I’m pretty sure since my mum is my career she could try to persuade authorities that i need to be in her care?

I was going to show this thread to a homestart volunteer ( my mum got homestart in because she kinda can’t take how i’m acting) but they said they’re full… I have an appointment with health vistor in a months time and i will look for nhs counselling.

Dad is “involved” but not involved. He does the min involvement to not feel like a deadbeat but still is. He didn’t want me to have this child because my vagina will be “loose” and he didn’t want to pay any money towards and other deadbeat reasons. I can explain further about him but I don’t want this reply to be so long lol. But he’s even said he’ll at best co parent, he’ll never be a single dad or have main custody, if so our child or any other children he’ll put them straight into care.

You’re right she doesn’t need to be so involved and LD or not i’m a adult and not getting younger i need some control back, but i feel emotionally broken as hell… hopefully soon get help

Thank you.

Reality is i do have little control. I don’t have a health professional to stick up for me because my mum has simply always been my carer so no social services or anything like that has been involved. Homestart we’re supposed to help me but saying they can’t now i have an appointment with the health viator in a months time i might go to the gp before them and show them this thread or even an nhs counsellor or private. i’ll definitely show someone

And thank you for your advice and kind words ♥️

What learning difficulties do you have that make it impossible for you to leave home op?

OP you definitely need to reach out for some support, separately from your Mum if possible. If you're less than 14 days after the birth, you should still be able to reach out to your midwife?

I know you said social services aren't involved, but could you consider referring yourself for support to live independently or have someone to advocate for your best interests (which I don't feel your mum is doing)?

To add, don't worry about not feeling that unconditional love. I had a planned, low stress pregnancy, and that feeling didn't come until he was a few weeks old. This bit is really hard and a rollercoaster of emotions and hormones, even without everything else on your plate.

This sounds awful for you, op.

I don't have much to suggest except show the GP what you've written and demand an emergency referral to the adult social services team, home start (I know what they've told you) and health visitor.

Can you start making a plan to move out? You sound like you're doing really well with the baby, holding down a job and you can talk about the issues really well.

Women's Aid also might be willing to meet with you because it does sound like you're a victim of psychological abuse in your own home.

What immunisations after birth? Are you not in the UK?
What contraception are you on? This is the second time in 3 years you’ve been pregnant so I would recommend sorting some better contraception as a matter of urgency.
how old are you? You need to contact social services and see if you can access some support. Would supported living be an option for you and your child or do you feel you need more support than that?

Your mum sounds abusive and controlling and I think you need to get away from her.

Don't worry about not feeling an overwhelming rush of unconditional love for your son, it can take time. I cried to the GP when DD was newborn as I didn't feel intense love for her straight away and she said that's normal.

She's 2 now and I absolutely love her to bits but it did take a few weeks to happen!

OP said she was stealthed first time

on the spectrum ( but not autistic, traits), auditory processing, dyspraxia... its mild but its not, cant do my hair properly without assistance,other stuff which I suppose supported living could teach, as I said I'm halfway indipendent just a few stuff I need to do .... it doesn't effect me like feeding/holding my son or looking after him but my mum is helping and I also know it's early days still... also I didn't have a job like I couldnt keep one for five years i kept being fired after 2/3 days literally .... ive kept the one ive got for a whole year and lucky to do so, my workplace have a few disabled staff and sometimes they have just been moved to a different department rather than being sacked, and with me ive been on warnings but they can see im trying...which is great... i'm on mat leave now..... i also have to try and find a way to get my PIP benefit in my name, well its in my name but my mum is the appointee, so it goes to her not me, and shes the only one who can change that....

Do you mean the midwife I had during pregnancy or?

I'm going to try tomorrow.... it's kinda weird but.. I haven't personally known anyone on the mild scale of autism/learning difficulties/disability to be in supported accommodation.. not saying it doesn't happen, but ive only seen/heard of people who are leaning towards moderate to severe ( like down syndrome) being in supported accommodation, especially if they've been in the care system/relatives can't look after them. People who are more 'high-functioning' I find either have jobs/can live on their own etc or just end up living with parents with no job/'dead end' jobs like well into their 30/40/50+.... but i'll still try.

I really hope it comes soon! Ive been holding him the past couple of days thinking he's so cute, biased but cuter than an other baby ive been but I dont think love is there just yet, no hate, no resentment towards him, no love just a neutral feeling apart from the cuteness. I hope it comes soon for him but for me also because it sounds like the best feeling ever.

Thanks. I'll do this and womens aid... still in quite a bit of debt atm though

Your PIP payment, ring the PIP helpline & tell them you are able to manage your own money & your current appointee is abusive,. Are you receiving Child Benefit in your own name? If so this should prove you can manage your PIP.

What immunisations after birth?

Immunisation might have been the wrong word but I was asked if I want to give my baby Vitamin K. I had to say no....

I know some people have reservations over vaccines, i'm not anti vax but even I'm scared of some of them, maybe Vitamin K isn't good for every baby or good in general, it's just more of the fact I didn't have a choice to make up my own mind for my child? Because my mum was in the room so I wouldn't have heard the end of it if I said yes and it would have been ' i told you so' if the injection make him sick or if it comes out in the news that Vitamin K is actually bad etc..

Are you not in the UK?

In England, delivery on NHS.

What contraception are you on? This is the second time in 3 years you’ve been pregnant so I would recommend sorting some better contraception as a matter of urgency.

I use condoms ( yes even in relationships as i've explained why I'm not on BC), the caya diaphragm/femcap, morning after pill... yes sometimes pull and pray/tracking cycles.... no scares were happening with my son's dad at all for a long while.... pretty sure I conceived on holiday...

I've heard nasty effects of hormonal BC, I was going to get the non hormonal copper coil but apparently if periods are heavy/painful normally, the coil will make them more heavy/painful.... my periods if I don't take painkillers.. I literally get symptoms of a viral cold/fever and the pain is like early contractions only no break and I can't literally move i'm on the floor crippled for a few hours... I was going to see someone about it just before I found out I was pregnant..

how old are you?

i'm 25 in a few months, so I guess not too young not too old.. too old to be controlled though...

You need to contact social services and see if you can access some support. Would supported living be an option for you and your child or do you feel you need more support than that?

I think that would be okay for now.... i'm going to set up tomorrow a plan..

thanks... I just want it for him and me. he deserves it and I just want to feel that, i've always wanted to

Yes @Meandfour I was... I got the morning after pill asap and was because i'm mid cycle it might not work... which I guess it didn't, but maybe the MAP caused the miscarriage idk. I mean even if lets say the condom spilt and i took the MAP it would have been the same outcome so.. that situation was out of my hands, if things went my way it wouldn't have been a miscarriage just no pregnancy.

I haven't registered anything yet but will start tomorrow... so i'll be getting CB soon.

And I will try tomorrow with PIP... I've just heard that with switching from appointee to me managing my money, DWP have to have my mums consent to before it gets switched over? its apparently not a simple process, but i'll still try thanks

You are dealing with real life stresses that would make new motherhood difficult for anyone. I’m not trying to discount the situation you are facing. The lack of connection with your newborn though is a classic sign of post-partum depression. I would talk to your midwife or your GP about being screened. Addressing that won’t take away the other challenges you are facing, but they may not seem quite so insurmountable if you aren’t also dealing with ppd.

Do you think maybe your mum has made you feel like you couldn't move out on your own because she wants you to stay with her? You really clearly and concisely have written what is going on and how you feel, I know I don't know you or your personal circumstances but I bet with some help and the right support you definitely could thrive moving out and living independently! I am sorry you feel so down and I do hope things improve

thanks.

maybe she has. thank you.

i felt like this during pregnancy though especially after when i couldn’t do anything about it …

Please read this link at the bottom of this post.

I am so sorry to hear all that you are going through, you are going through so much and are especially vulnerable. It is beyond cruel what your Mum has and is doing to you. Please know that everyone has the right to live in safety free from abuse. You are protected by law and have rights and help available to you, especially as a you are a vulnerable adult.

Your Mother is using multiple forms of abuse against you. Firstly ‘Domestic abuse’ with her repeated controlling and coercive behaviour. This can be done by family members, not only romantic partners.

Secondly, she’s using Psychological abuse’ - that includes emotional abuse, threats to hurt you or abandon you, stopping you from seeing people, humiliating, blaming, controlling, intimidating or harassing you, verbal abuse, isolation, an unreasonable and unjustified withdrawal of services or support networks. Only you will know what applies to you from these examples.

Thirdly, ‘Discriminatory Abuse’ - This includes forms of harassment, slurs, or unfair treatment because of disability, being pregnant or on maternity leave (there are more factors like race, age gender, sexual orientation etc but i’m trying to keep it relevant to you).

Lastly, ‘Financial Abuse’ - This could be someone stealing money or valuables from you. Or it may be that someone appointed to look after your money on your behalf (like your PIP) is using it inappropriately or coercing you to spend it in a way that you are not happy with.

There’s lots of advice for help in circumstances such as yours. You can also get help with getting someone in becoming your official advocate, an advocate will act as your spokesperson, listen to you, and speak up on your behalf and fight for your rights, talk about how you feel about your care needs, help you make decisions, challenge decisions about your care and support if you do not agree with them, they can write letter ms for you and attend meetings with you.

Advocates will support you during assessments, care and support planning, safeguarding and reviews. I will post a separate link that explains in depth what that is and how to get one on place.

About the abuse, you can speak to professionals about your needs and concerns, such as your GP, or social worker (perhaps even your Health Visitor?) Alternatively you can call your local council and ask to speak to your local council’s adult safeguarding team or co-ordinator.

You may not want to but it is also an option to speak to the police.

I wish you all the love and strength in the world going forward, I hope you get the help and support you need for you and your beautiful baby boy. As a pp said, the fact that you can think about and care about his needs and future shows how incredible you are, he’s lucky to have you.

You need urgent help with your mental health care, likely postnatal depression making that connection and bond feel disconnected, and everything else you’ve been through and hurting and worrying about must seem like too much all at once. It is, and that’s why you must break it down into little steps and take it one day at a time, one week at a time, and use all the professional help you can get, and come here anytime day or night for love and support. hand hold and big hugs for you. wishing you all the best.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/help-from-social-services-and-charities/abuse-and-neglect-vulnerable-adults/