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Original poster

personal rant. I want to die. I feel traumatised. ( long read).. Just a rant.

47 replies

mrxrsx · 12/04/2023 01:02

I live at home with my mum still as my learning difficulties make me unable to leave right now and tbh she’s my carer so even if i tried what she says goes for me.. I don’t have strong reliable friends either. ( I feel pathetic for this )

First time I got pregnant was 3 years ago she didn’t want me to get an abortion but she came with me to the clinic ( tbh I was stealthed in a way wasn’t my fault at all)… but it ended up being a early miscarriage. Also she’s very pro choice? but I was her only way of getting a grandchild.

This time around I thought she would be supportive but I just felt pressured from the start to keep… ( my mistake for telling her i suppose) then it got worse she talked me out of abortion twice.

During pregnancy and now I’ve been so suicidal, angry, intrusive thoughts, depressed, crying in the street, trying to throw myself at cars.

My mum doesn’t give a shit at all, she said I did the deed, it’s not the child’s fault, if i was to have an abortion just leave ( should have done that but would have been difficult and scary), just shut up and deal with it, i’m just being silly, acting like i’m a nuisance, just be happy/why can’t i just be happy, why embarrass her or myself by throwing myself at cars in the street, you’ll feel different once the child’s born etc, i only wanted to have an abortion because the dad didn’t want it and that’s unfair ( which isn’t true, dad is deadbeat and didn’t want but for totally different reasons but i guess it’s easier for her to blame someone else than herself).

The birth was traumatic and I don’t dislike or hate my son, I do my motherhood job and the intrusive thoughts go away when I look at him and i think he’s a cute baby but I am resentful of how things played out for myself and regards to him sadly so far there’s nothing there in terms of like/love/respect(?). i’m also feeling weak and stupid for trying to get an early and late abortion and being talked out of it twice by her because according to her parenting “ isn’t so bad at all” .

My mum was even pushing me to have a c section… just because she had one and was fine afterwards and because you don’t feel pain… i kept telling her i don’t want one but she kept pushing. ( it nearly happened but I had a medicated normal delivery, mainly because before delivery and during labour the doctors/hospital didn’t really want me to have one and even told her she can’t make that decision for me)

Straight after delivery I wanted to say yes to some immusations but I couldn’t because she was in the room when I gave birth obviously and she disapproves. All this makes me feel like shit on top. That no matter what I just feel like I can’t say no and if I do i wouldn’t hear the end of it, she would bicker at me forever. I feel powerless.

I feel sad and guilty my child has entered the world like this. But at least someone wanted him from the start as a very shit silver lining. I never want to come home. It’s been 12 PP but I don’t so far feel differently at all. I don’t see the point of living anymore if i can be controlled like this and don’t have any strength to even fight back. I just feel broken. I’ve been suicidal as a teenager but nothing like this. the world looks bleak. I just feel stupid, gross, mean and pathetic. I feel bad for my son aswell, so terrible I am towards him feeling like this.

My mum doesn’t want me to go too much counselling in case my childs taken into care.. ( I would be scared of putting him or any baby into care anyway and I think that would be so shit for me, going through all that just to put into care, also i’d be thrown out so what’s the point, if so be it can look after him).

I don’t know what to do. I’m dealing with postpartum aswell obviously. Feel free to judge if you got this far i’m just so gone. I do stupid things and gotten in debt..everyday i’m ignoring responsibilities and people.

This is a very immature thing to say but I wish my mum loved me as much as she loves my son. :(

OP posts:
BensonStabler · 17/04/2023 06:23

Someone to speak up for you (advocate), here’s the link:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/help-from-social-services-and-charities/someone-to-speak-up-for-you-advocate/

Theres also another link you may find helpful, Care for people with mental health problems (Care Program Approach)

The CPA is a care package and you may be offered support, it seem that you meet the criteria if you:

  • Have a severe mental health problem

  • Are at risk of suicide, self harm

  • Are vulnerable

  • Have Learning Disabilities

  • Rely on a carer

  • Are affected by difficult parental responsibilities

  • Have a history of self harm?

You are entitled to an assessment with a mental health professional, and to have a care plan that is regularly reviewed. Your care plan sets out what support you’ll get day to day and who will give it to you.

It might cover:

  • Your medicines

  • help with money problems

  • help with housing

  • support at home

  • help to get out and about outside your home

the care plan will include details of what should happen in an emergency or crisis. You’ll have a care coordinator - usually a nurse, social worker or occupational therapist to manage your care plan and review it regularly.

Here’s the link for that one:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/help-from-social-services-and-charities/care-for-people-with-mental-health-problems-care-programme-approach/

nhs.uk

Someone to speak up for you (advocate) - Social care and support guide

Find someone who can sit with you in assessments, speak up for you and help you fill in forms.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/help-from-social-services-and-charities/someone-to-speak-up-for-you-advocate/

110APiccadilly · 17/04/2023 06:43

Your mum is being unfair, controlling and abusive. Your partner sounds grim too tbh - what a ghastly reason not to want you to have a baby. Contact whatever health professional you have the best relationship with (maybe your midwife, maybe your health visitor, maybe someone else) and tell them what you've written on this thread.

One thing - you might not feel you've had the "proper" feeling about loving your baby, but it's clear you do love him even from this thread. Not everyone gets that rush of feeling straight after birth. I didn't with either of mine (particularly the second one, it was a difficult pregnancy and all I felt when she was born was relief that was all over tbh) but I still love both of them to bits.

cptartapp · 17/04/2023 07:10

Your mum sounds awful.
Where's your dad in all this?

floralspectacles · 17/04/2023 07:41

I think you should show what you posted on here OP to your GP. This is so awful and I'm sorry you are going through this. You have a controlling mother who will not change. She is abusing you. You need help from others to get to a safe place where someone isn't domineering your whole life
You deserve so much more. I hope you find your way out of this situation, as you have a new baby it's common to feel down so go to your GP for that too.

I probably would avoid discussing why you want to see your GP with your mother and phone the GP away from her if you need to to ask how you can come into the GP office without your mother even if she comes with you.
All the best with your new baby you OP.

BornBlonde · 17/04/2023 07:44

marniemae · 17/04/2023 00:38

Do you think maybe your mum has made you feel like you couldn't move out on your own because she wants you to stay with her? You really clearly and concisely have written what is going on and how you feel, I know I don't know you or your personal circumstances but I bet with some help and the right support you definitely could thrive moving out and living independently! I am sorry you feel so down and I do hope things improve

Reading it I thought this too. A loving normal parent would have supported your development, health & emotions/mental health to prepare you to be as independent as possible. Your mum sadly sounds abusive.

Please show this thread to your GP/health visitor. I also think contacting women's aid and perhaps an Ability focused charity/organisation too

Grrrpredictivetex · 17/04/2023 23:33

.

Original poster
mrxrsx · 18/04/2023 06:00

BensonStabler · 17/04/2023 06:02

Please read this link at the bottom of this post.

I am so sorry to hear all that you are going through, you are going through so much and are especially vulnerable. It is beyond cruel what your Mum has and is doing to you. Please know that everyone has the right to live in safety free from abuse. You are protected by law and have rights and help available to you, especially as a you are a vulnerable adult.

Your Mother is using multiple forms of abuse against you. Firstly ‘Domestic abuse’ with her repeated controlling and coercive behaviour. This can be done by family members, not only romantic partners.

Secondly, she’s using Psychological abuse’ - that includes emotional abuse, threats to hurt you or abandon you, stopping you from seeing people, humiliating, blaming, controlling, intimidating or harassing you, verbal abuse, isolation, an unreasonable and unjustified withdrawal of services or support networks. Only you will know what applies to you from these examples.

Thirdly, ‘Discriminatory Abuse’ - This includes forms of harassment, slurs, or unfair treatment because of disability, being pregnant or on maternity leave (there are more factors like race, age gender, sexual orientation etc but i’m trying to keep it relevant to you).

Lastly, ‘Financial Abuse’ - This could be someone stealing money or valuables from you. Or it may be that someone appointed to look after your money on your behalf (like your PIP) is using it inappropriately or coercing you to spend it in a way that you are not happy with.

There’s lots of advice for help in circumstances such as yours. You can also get help with getting someone in becoming your official advocate, an advocate will act as your spokesperson, listen to you, and speak up on your behalf and fight for your rights, talk about how you feel about your care needs, help you make decisions, challenge decisions about your care and support if you do not agree with them, they can write letter ms for you and attend meetings with you.

Advocates will support you during assessments, care and support planning, safeguarding and reviews. I will post a separate link that explains in depth what that is and how to get one on place.

About the abuse, you can speak to professionals about your needs and concerns, such as your GP, or social worker (perhaps even your Health Visitor?) Alternatively you can call your local council and ask to speak to your local council’s adult safeguarding team or co-ordinator.

You may not want to but it is also an option to speak to the police.

I wish you all the love and strength in the world going forward, I hope you get the help and support you need for you and your beautiful baby boy. As a pp said, the fact that you can think about and care about his needs and future shows how incredible you are, he’s lucky to have you.

You need urgent help with your mental health care, likely postnatal depression making that connection and bond feel disconnected, and everything else you’ve been through and hurting and worrying about must seem like too much all at once. It is, and that’s why you must break it down into little steps and take it one day at a time, one week at a time, and use all the professional help you can get, and come here anytime day or night for love and support. hand hold and big hugs for you. wishing you all the best. Flowers

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/help-from-social-services-and-charities/abuse-and-neglect-vulnerable-adults/

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
mrxrsx · 18/04/2023 06:00

BensonStabler · 17/04/2023 06:23

Someone to speak up for you (advocate), here’s the link:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/help-from-social-services-and-charities/someone-to-speak-up-for-you-advocate/

Theres also another link you may find helpful, Care for people with mental health problems (Care Program Approach)

The CPA is a care package and you may be offered support, it seem that you meet the criteria if you:

  • Have a severe mental health problem

  • Are at risk of suicide, self harm

  • Are vulnerable

  • Have Learning Disabilities

  • Rely on a carer

  • Are affected by difficult parental responsibilities

  • Have a history of self harm?

You are entitled to an assessment with a mental health professional, and to have a care plan that is regularly reviewed. Your care plan sets out what support you’ll get day to day and who will give it to you.

It might cover:

  • Your medicines

  • help with money problems

  • help with housing

  • support at home

  • help to get out and about outside your home

the care plan will include details of what should happen in an emergency or crisis. You’ll have a care coordinator - usually a nurse, social worker or occupational therapist to manage your care plan and review it regularly.

Here’s the link for that one:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/help-from-social-services-and-charities/care-for-people-with-mental-health-problems-care-programme-approach/

thank you so much!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
mrxrsx · 18/04/2023 06:08

110APiccadilly · 17/04/2023 06:43

Your mum is being unfair, controlling and abusive. Your partner sounds grim too tbh - what a ghastly reason not to want you to have a baby. Contact whatever health professional you have the best relationship with (maybe your midwife, maybe your health visitor, maybe someone else) and tell them what you've written on this thread.

One thing - you might not feel you've had the "proper" feeling about loving your baby, but it's clear you do love him even from this thread. Not everyone gets that rush of feeling straight after birth. I didn't with either of mine (particularly the second one, it was a difficult pregnancy and all I felt when she was born was relief that was all over tbh) but I still love both of them to bits.

thanks & thanks gives me hope

OP posts:
Original poster
mrxrsx · 18/04/2023 07:19

cptartapp · 17/04/2023 07:10

Your mum sounds awful.
Where's your dad in all this?

He isn’t really around and much much older than me.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrxrsx · 18/04/2023 07:20

floralspectacles · 17/04/2023 07:41

I think you should show what you posted on here OP to your GP. This is so awful and I'm sorry you are going through this. You have a controlling mother who will not change. She is abusing you. You need help from others to get to a safe place where someone isn't domineering your whole life
You deserve so much more. I hope you find your way out of this situation, as you have a new baby it's common to feel down so go to your GP for that too.

I probably would avoid discussing why you want to see your GP with your mother and phone the GP away from her if you need to to ask how you can come into the GP office without your mother even if she comes with you.
All the best with your new baby you OP.

thank you ♥️!

OP posts:
Original poster
mrxrsx · 18/04/2023 07:21

floralspectacles · 17/04/2023 07:41

I think you should show what you posted on here OP to your GP. This is so awful and I'm sorry you are going through this. You have a controlling mother who will not change. She is abusing you. You need help from others to get to a safe place where someone isn't domineering your whole life
You deserve so much more. I hope you find your way out of this situation, as you have a new baby it's common to feel down so go to your GP for that too.

I probably would avoid discussing why you want to see your GP with your mother and phone the GP away from her if you need to to ask how you can come into the GP office without your mother even if she comes with you.
All the best with your new baby you OP.

thank you ♥️

OP posts:
Original poster
mrxrsx · 18/04/2023 07:35

Grrrpredictivetex · 17/04/2023 23:33

.

Dunno why you left this but i’ll use for a update.

thanks for all the nice messages thought I would just get judgy responses ( which would have been fine cause I was just ranting my truth)

Unfortunately stupid old me, I think I left this thread open on laptop after a night feed and tired and my mums seen all of this, but she hasn’t said she has seen this thread … just all of yesterday she just seems to suddenly change her tune and be supportive and said she can help me move out and put pip in my name etc and she said sorry sometimes all parents get it wrong, i’ll get it wrong with my son accidentally, it wasn’t on purpose, she loves me etc… it’s a bit upsetting that a bunch of strangers had to make her change her tune though.

So getting round to things and other stuff today… but thank you for the advice and support. Hopefully I can update on here in a couple of months with a more positive outcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrxrsx · 18/04/2023 08:03

BornBlonde · 17/04/2023 07:44

Reading it I thought this too. A loving normal parent would have supported your development, health & emotions/mental health to prepare you to be as independent as possible. Your mum sadly sounds abusive.

Please show this thread to your GP/health visitor. I also think contacting women's aid and perhaps an Ability focused charity/organisation too

Show quote history

Maybe in a sense both right but I know that I do have learning difficulties, they’re apparent when i’ve jobs and just in everyday life… such as lack of awareness of my personal space, standing too close to people ( which is a autistic/adhd trait )…

it seems like nothing in the grand scheme of things but it’s got me nearly beat up when i’m not realising i’m standing too close to someone at a cash point for example… social cues can be a lot more than just speaking coherently.

Although im not excusing what anyone said on this thread or my mum. I think to an extent she does want me around with her, she’s said she’ll make sure im out by 25 but im 25 in a couple of months and still here, i know i’ve just given birth and have a newborn but She could have done more to make me more independent, especially since more “ high functioning “ people seem to not get supported accommodation or social workers just like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrxrsx · 18/04/2023 08:13

I’m just going to add two things i’m happy for the advice and support but i was posting initially to rant…

I’m not defending my mum, I think my mum has acted abusive but I don’t think she is an abusive person. Don’t get me wrong i’m still going to follow the advice but I think she’s just blindsighted. She’s always been very pro choice but just pro life for herself, (like she even supports the down syndrome law up to term because it’s sad but choice but she wouldn’t abort her own DS child because that’s eugenics… ) with me I just think she wanted her grandchild and was scared the line would stop at me because i’m her only child.

I kinda feel sorry for her because I think of a parents would be upset at their grandchildren being aborted and upset their kid isn’t bonding with their children. I know some parents force their kids to get an abortion/just neutraleither way but I think it can be hard for a parent to lose a potential GC. But obviously I felt how i felt and don’t think the things she’s said. And it’s not nice that strangers not listening to me has made her suddenly change her tune.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrxrsx · 18/04/2023 08:16

Also abortion might have been sad and a bit difficult for me both times personally but I just got talked out of it twice which I don’t like. And I wanted it for certain practical reasons for myself/my child not because I hated my son as a fetus etc. It’s nothing to do with my son.

Anyway rant over …Thanks again and I hope to update this thread with a positive outcome soon.

OP posts:
CheekyHusky · 04/05/2023 09:40

Please be wary. Abusers often “get better” when it looks like their target will leave. She will probably start all her abusive behaviours again.

If she does, it’s not your fault for staying or for believing her. It’s natural to want to see things improve with our mothers.

Please still show this thread to your midwives/gp/health visitor anytime you need

Original poster
mrxrsx · 05/05/2023 00:31

CheekyHusky · 04/05/2023 09:40

Please be wary. Abusers often “get better” when it looks like their target will leave. She will probably start all her abusive behaviours again.

If she does, it’s not your fault for staying or for believing her. It’s natural to want to see things improve with our mothers.

Please still show this thread to your midwives/gp/health visitor anytime you need

Thank you. I’ve been still so broken and traumatised and feel weak for not doing the right thing in the first place out of not being strong enough and gulity towards my son.. but i’ve messaged a few psychotherapists to get the ball rolling. hv and nhs etc next week.. they’re a bit rubbish imo atm but i’ll still try. i’ve put everything off but trying tomorrow and i’m sure going to a therapist in person i can mention/show this thread and the situation and they can help aswell

OP posts:
LemonSwan · 05/05/2023 01:03

I was on ‘mental health watch’ during my last pregnancy due to being recognised as really high risk of serious PP mental health issues. Luckily I was fine, partly I think because of the support I had.

Your midwifery health visitor should be able to refer you. Each area calls their team different names but it’s essentially specialist mental health workers who are specialised in pre, peri and post partum. They were excellent. Touched in with me daily in the initial 2 week post partum period. Then every few days. Then twice a week. Then once a week. Then every couple of weeks, and so on. Until we got to about 6 months and was discharged as had no issues.

They have like a master key to nhs services and budget for out of nhs services. Seems whatever they think you need they can access instantly. GP appointments for you or your baby, baby massage classes to help with bonding, swim sessions, psychiatrists, cbt, psychologists, help at home, your own room for birth recovery, you bloody name it! Incredible service and am sure have changed many women’s lives immeasurably.

Please call the HV and get support. It sounds scary but I promise it will help.

Original poster
mrxrsx · 05/05/2023 07:24

LemonSwan · 05/05/2023 01:03

I was on ‘mental health watch’ during my last pregnancy due to being recognised as really high risk of serious PP mental health issues. Luckily I was fine, partly I think because of the support I had.

Your midwifery health visitor should be able to refer you. Each area calls their team different names but it’s essentially specialist mental health workers who are specialised in pre, peri and post partum. They were excellent. Touched in with me daily in the initial 2 week post partum period. Then every few days. Then twice a week. Then once a week. Then every couple of weeks, and so on. Until we got to about 6 months and was discharged as had no issues.

They have like a master key to nhs services and budget for out of nhs services. Seems whatever they think you need they can access instantly. GP appointments for you or your baby, baby massage classes to help with bonding, swim sessions, psychiatrists, cbt, psychologists, help at home, your own room for birth recovery, you bloody name it! Incredible service and am sure have changed many women’s lives immeasurably.

Please call the HV and get support. It sounds scary but I promise it will help.

thank you

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 06/05/2023 10:13

marniemae · 17/04/2023 00:38

Do you think maybe your mum has made you feel like you couldn't move out on your own because she wants you to stay with her? You really clearly and concisely have written what is going on and how you feel, I know I don't know you or your personal circumstances but I bet with some help and the right support you definitely could thrive moving out and living independently! I am sorry you feel so down and I do hope things improve

Another one who was thinking this.

My DD has ASD and possibly ADHD. We've done everyone we can to try and make her independent from looking after her money to cooking and simple DIY.

If it's simple things like your hair, could you ask the hairdresser for a cut that is very low maintenance?

Once you've got some support in place and the PIP in your name, I would talk to Stepchange about your debts. Explain that you're a vulnerable adult with a Carer and get them to write to the Creditors pointing this out and asking if the debts can be written off.

endofthelinefinally · 06/05/2023 10:16

Can you show your hv your original post. You have explained everything so clearly.

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