Is everyone being dramatic or am I being naive?

[EtherealRoses]

Our baby is due at the end of the year, and I have been so excited but everyone on the internet and in person is starting to fill me with utter dread. I was talking about how we’re not going to build nursery furniture until baby is 4/5 months as otherwise we lose our guest room for 10 months for no reason, and have also mentioned how I hope to get a sling so I can pop baby in and tootle about the house…but it seems everyone’s response is “don’t be stupid, you won’t have any time or energy for anything”. It’s making me want to cry constantly at the thought of this 😭 I KNOW that we will have lots to do in terms of looking after our wee person, but surely this won’t take up my full 24 hours a day for 9 months? How can it be possible that we don’t have 2 hours out of a week to build furniture or half an hour out of the day to do some laundry or make food? It’s freaking me the absolute f out. Is everything really that bad once baby arrives that you don’t have time to look after anything at all between two people, or are people just being dramatic/lazy?

@BooksAndChooks

I really liked your post! It brought back memories, especially about wanting to be on the move, in their own direction 😀

My 3rd DC was such hard work because he wanted to be doing exactly what his two older siblings were doing. As a newborn he was dragged everywhere, along constantly, no routine as I did stuff with older 2. But even as a new baby he wouldn't settle, sleep, go in sling or pram when the other 2 were around. He was desperate to be with them, doing what they were doing. It was still really tough when he could sit up, when he crawled .. as he still would get impatient that he couldn't join in. When he walked at 1, it was a massive relief, and everything was easier after that. That first year was so hard - and that was with him being very easy to transport around.

There is really no way to know until you have your baby.

I think you're in for a shock, to be honest. Looking after a baby is hard work - some babies are easier than others of course, and some people take to it better, but essentially your time is not your own anymore and that's hard to adjust to. Plus you're sleep deprived, and desperately worried about your tiny baby all the time because you don't really know what you're doing. My brain felt like cotton wool for the first 3-6 months. I watched shit daytime tv (which I never watch) because I just couldn't focus on anything else. I had visions of sitting in the park with a book while my baby slept. Ha! 😂 He had to keep moving to sleep, and had a sixth sense for when I opened a book. I did not read a single book while I was on mat leave (although I read the first few pages of quite a few).

Yes you get time to tidy up and go for a walk. Your partner can build the nursery furniture, even if you don't get the chance. You can absolutely use a sling and potter. If you get a baby that sleeps you'll be fine after the first few weeks. But don't underestimate how utterly exhausting, isolating and frustrating looking after a baby is. I enjoyed my mat leave on the whole, but it wasn't easy.

Still don't get it!

• The 25 layers is obviously a exaggeration, though I get it feels like that in January at times.
• If a baby is feeding for very extended periods of time, I'd really suggest that mum learns to breastfeed in a sling. This helped a lot as I could make breakfast, leave the house with my toddler, get the bus and go to the park without ever breaking latch.
• I don't get how having a wee delays you more than any other time in life. If baby is content, leave baby in safe place. If not, go to the loo one handed or have baby in sling and have two hands.

I get how some people don't want to leave the house with a baby that is being tricky. It can be embarrassing and it can be stressful. But that doesn't mean they can't leave more that they are choosing for perfectly ok reasons not to.

Ps: yes I did have a badly sleeping baby who had colic before anyone says you don't understand until you have a baby with colic -I've been there. I chose to get out everyday I chose to go on holiday abroad when colicky baby was 6 weeks old. My choice to go out doesn't invalidate others choices to stay in -everyone is different, but it is a choice.

@EarringsandLipstick thank you.

I found it very helpful, when I was in the thick of it, to hear that I was not alone in what I was experiencing. My DC are all school aged now, and it's still lovely to hear that it wasn't just me.

I'd really suggest that mum learns to breastfeed in a sling.

I breastfed 3 DC till just under 2 & could feed easily, anywhere. I could never feed in a sling. I'm small & there just wasn't the space around my chest for the babies to attach. I saw others doing it fine; never worked for me.

Babyboom regarding going out, it was, and still is (even with older DC!) the hardest thing. I couldn't get both myself & baby ready in a reasonable time frame. Like I've said, everyone is different. Great it wasn't an issue for you, it really was for me.

YES THIS 😂

You see woman drinking coffee with sleeping baby. Lovely! Woman is, however, a fizzing ball of stress, had three hours' sleep, and is bracing herself for the baby waking yet again and needing yet another feed/nappy change. She knows she has exactly 37 minutes of baby sleeping before she starts the routine all over again.

Things that I have not found challenging, others have; things that others did with ease (eg getting out the door with small kids!) were massively harder for me.

This is probably the crux of it tbh. And it works both ways

I'll never understand (if I'm honest) how people can find newborns hard, but I also don't get how others find toddlers easy. Or find the school run with multiple children ok.
I swanned round like I was on holiday with newborns, I look haggard, exhausted and in a rush getting a 3+5yo out in the morning.

Every parents strengths (and weaknesses) are individual. Every child is unique. There'll be easy stages, and ones that make you cry. And what you find hard others will manage with ease. Other things you'll find easy but will feel like you're in the minority.

@BooksAndChooks

I know what you mean! People used often, kindly, say that I was doing great, 'oh you look so well, 3 lovely DC'. As kind as it was, I felt I was hiding so much of the struggle that it took, and it was hard to say it to anyone.

Just read @Holly60 & @Numbat2022 & I agree wholeheartedly!

That was what I meant in my last post - it looked like I had it all together (apparently) but there was so much shit in my life - in fact, when I tried to tell people eventually, they didn't believe me as I 'looked' fine.

That's it.

I didn't necessarily find some of the aspects of having a newborn hard but the dependency of it killed me. I hated the whole 'rest when your baby sleeps' mantra as I used that time to clean tidy iron etc - I hated the chaos!

I cope much better when I've loads on so paradoxically going back from mat leave was easier, I got a break from kids, I had to be organised so had to discipline myself re the house etc

I think every stage has it's challenges too - mine are getting more independent but correspondingly more emotionally demanding too.

• its. Gah, errant apostrophe.