Is everyone being dramatic or am I being naive?

[EtherealRoses]

Our baby is due at the end of the year, and I have been so excited but everyone on the internet and in person is starting to fill me with utter dread. I was talking about how we’re not going to build nursery furniture until baby is 4/5 months as otherwise we lose our guest room for 10 months for no reason, and have also mentioned how I hope to get a sling so I can pop baby in and tootle about the house…but it seems everyone’s response is “don’t be stupid, you won’t have any time or energy for anything”. It’s making me want to cry constantly at the thought of this 😭 I KNOW that we will have lots to do in terms of looking after our wee person, but surely this won’t take up my full 24 hours a day for 9 months? How can it be possible that we don’t have 2 hours out of a week to build furniture or half an hour out of the day to do some laundry or make food? It’s freaking me the absolute f out. Is everything really that bad once baby arrives that you don’t have time to look after anything at all between two people, or are people just being dramatic/lazy?

I think that what having a young baby LOOKS like vs what it FEELS like can be two very different things.

For example, you see a mum with in a coffee shop with a baby asleep in the pram. It LOOKS relaxing and cosy and you think, ahh I'd love to sit around in coffee shops all day with my gorgeous baby.

In reality that mum may have had about 2 hours sleep, has been up since 6 feeding non stop as the baby cries every time she tries to stop, have changed nappies/outfit several times as the non stop feeding means the baby is pooping for England, have left the house without a shower as the baby wouldn't be put down, have loaded the dishwasher at breakneck speed as the baby screamed the whole time and walked to the coffee shop at the exact speed that she knows will send the baby to sleep.

She arrives frazzled and knackered at the coffee shop and knows she has about 45 minutes before the baby wakes up and it all starts again.

She gratefully sips her first hot drink of the day and thinks about how long it is until she can sleep again.

You walk past and think ahhh, how lovely.

It depends on a lot of things.
Chill or high needs baby
Reflux can no relfux
Breast vs bottle feeding
Vaginal vs csection
Traumatic vs non traumatic birth
Post natal depression or happy
Amount of partner support
Amount of family support
Extra money for cleaners etc

All these things impact on how you will be feeling after and if you will have time.
I had a very clingy baby who breastfed for hours and hours on end but I had a very supportive partner with normal working hours who definitely had time to put the washing on. The days where he was at work, I could barely get anything done as my baby needed to be held all the time but she hated the sling, so I could only do things that required one hand. However because she breastfed for hours on end I got through so much tv shows and movies it's not even funny.

I would say as long as your not planning anything too crazy with your time and limit your expectations then you will be fine

Yeah I think you are being a bit naive but we all probably were the first time around.

Of course you can go for a coffee with a baby, as long as you accept that you might be able to enjoy a lengthy chat with your friend whilst your newborn sleeps serenely in their pram next to you, orrrrr it might be a cluster of snatched conversations whilst your reflux-y baby screams in your arms, you wrestle to get a cracked nipple out of your bra whilst fumbling with your other spare hand to find a muslin.

That’s the beauty of babies. They’re unpredictable.

I had your exact attitude, OP. Sure why can’t you just bring the baby somewhere and it will sleep/ chill etc.
it’s so so hard to explain until you are in it. My baby doesn’t like the pram so for a few weeks I just gave up on walking. He is sometimes ok in the sling so I’ve tried to bring him out in that as much as I can. But honestly some days I just couldn’t be bothered because I don’t want the hassle of him screaming and me having to turn back. That probably sounds defeatist and I would never have thought I’d do this but wondering every day if a simple walk will work out can just get too overwhelming.
coffee shops might work out but also the baby might start to scream every time you go into one and so you may find you just don’t bother as much.
or you might have an easy breezy baby and be able to do all of the above. You just won’t know until they are here.
motherhood is great but it has been a very humbling experience for me (a bit of a know it all)

@Leafer a fellow former know it all salutes you! It does get better I promise. Mine is older now and things are easier. This too shall pass.

I echo what everyone else says, it totally depends on your birth and the baby.

I was so so fortunate to have a lovely planned section and an easy baby. Looking back, the first 6 weeks were tough as I am breast feeding but the baby does sleep a lot so I was able to nap, tidy the house (had done a really deep clean before she arrived) and go out and about. I have an extremely supportive husband and baby would settle for him too so again, I was really lucky and it would have been a very different story if that hadn’t been the case. She’s not a bad sleeper either, there have been some nightmare nights but I can function okay short-term on little sleep, my husband however cannot do broken sleep very well although he has gotten immensely better.

I do sit about on my phone while she naps but only because I try to do at least two contact naps a day. She sleeps so much better and longer on me during the day so I’m happy to give her this time as it’s best for her. You might get a baby who likes the sling, they could hate it.

She’s now 5.5 months and we’ve only this week sorted out the nursery as she outgrew the co-sleeper. Before this it was a dumping ground for her stuff with a chair for feeding at night. The house is not as clean but my husband can cope easily if I want to spend time doing something as when she’s awake now she needs entertainment.

I suppose what everyone is saying is that there’s so many variables that it’s difficult to predict your outcome. One thing is for certain - it’s a major upheaval but nothing to be scared of. My advice to you is to nod, smile, thank those people for their advice, take it if you want, ignore it if you want and then do things your own way. It goes by so quickly.

Ah thank you 😊
I am 4 months in and can definitely already see some glimpses of that. My baby isn’t even what I’d consider that “difficult” - he sleeps well and he’s got a lovely happy temperament overall, but just has a few very specific things he dislikes that mean my days don’t look how I imagined before he came along. I’m learning every day to try to just go with it. it’s by far the best way

All of this!

I just invisaged my 9 months off of work being a lovely, giant bonding session with a little mix of reading, a few coffee shops visits, and being able to be a housewife thrown in there.

My DSis had this exact same expectation - she is now on baby #4 and they have all been brutal sleepers, cry a lot, won't be put down & b/f for years. All gorgeous kids & she loves them dearly & has coped admirably.

I overall found having babies hard but manageable - I went out a lot & did loads, certainly some of what you describe & I would definitely not be doom-mongering. While hard, having DC is wonderful & special & we are all lucky.

That said, the hardest part was not necessarily knowing what would be hard or easy. I coped fine really with the sleep deprivation, certainly with babies 1 & 2, by no 3 (3 under 4) I was wrecked for sure. But I found trying to plan jobs, tasks, even cooking dinner was hard.

Undoubtedly you will have your own challenges - you just don't know them yet. But you'll adjust. I do think a lot of your posts sound naive as well as judgmental, even with your updates.

I put my house on the market when DD was about six weeks old, kept it tidy for viewings and then moved when she was about four months or so. During lockdown with everything shut like skips so it all had to come with us. The horror stories of birth and newborns are crazy when you are pregnant. After the initial shock of taking baby home you will find your stride, and of course you will find time to put furniture togeather. I've got my second due any time now and I'm trying not to get sucked into the histeria of going from one to two and how my already child dominated life will be over!!

I guess the main thing you could take from this, OP, is that you just don’t know how it’s all going to go and so better to be prepared for that.

Just to add, as some have said, I really do think it’s unfair to call other people’s experiences “dramatic”. Clearly we are all dealt different hands and have different coping mechanisms and capabilities. Doesn’t mean we’re useless or exaggerating.
This old trope that a woman is just being “hysterical” is as old as time and hugely misogynistic. Let’s lift each other up as mothers.

Good luck and just try to take it a day at a time.

Definitely baby-dependent! My first would not sleep and was attached to my boob for the first 6 months of his life so doing anything at all felt like an absolute struggle of the first order (sleep deprivation is no joke). Had my third at the beginning of the year and mat leave has been lovely! I've been out for meals, coffees galore, day trips, regularly visited friends and family...it's genuinely been like a little holiday! Dc3 is, crucially, a good sleeper and it's amazing the difference that makes.

I think a lot of it does come down to just going with the flow. I had a 3c tear and a non-sleeper and a house move and still enjoyed the newborn phase. The next time I lost half my blood volume so was exhausted for a year or 2, and the baby had a nighttime winter cough oct-April 3 years in a row but still enjoyed it. Relaxing and going with the flow helps. Obviously things can get a whole lot more extreme - never experienced NICU or a dairy intolerance or anything. But if your baby is healthy and just being a regular baby then it helps to be baby-led for an easier life.

I found the first year horrendous. My DC had allergies, would never sleep, screamed all day. But because of that I did a lot, I was out pacing with them for hours and lost 4 stone that year.

If they're not very effective/ efficient at feeding and a feed takes 1.5 hours, then it's time for a nap, then they poo just as you've got the pram ready and zipped them into 25 layers, then you need a wee/ meal/ remember something that needs doing, then 2.5 hours have easily passed. By then they'll be hungry again and the cycle starts again. I don't believe your life is over when you have a baby, but it will be fundamentally changed, forever. In fact, one of the biggest changes I found was not being able to just nip to the shop as it's a faff to get baby ready, and the sheer impossibility of just leaving the house when you want, as there's a baby at home. Of course these things get easier and you get used to a new routine, but I certainly found getting out of the house a major challenge.

When my dad was 3 weeks old we went to the theatre (her grandfather was in the production), she slept most of the way through it and only woke up to feed and went back to sleep again. Perfectly doable when they are so small-pop in a sling and go about your day :)

I never got the "you'll only focus on the baby and nothing will get done" thing but that's possibly because when dc1 was 6 weeks old my df got diagnosed with terminal cancer. While he received palliative care at home for the next few weeks. I stayed with him a few days a week to see him and help with his business (with dc1 in tow). After df's death (dc1 aged 13 weeks) and for the rest of my maternity leave, I worked 10 hour days (staying at late df's house) at least half the month dealing with df's business to sell it as a going concern, sale completed during my 50th week of mat leave. This was all 3 hours by public transport away from home and dc1 was with me throughout this entire time less 2 nights. I then took a further three months unpaid leave to have some actual mat leave. Am sure plenty of other folk plough on through crises despite having a newborn (born after a traumatic induction ending in emcs in my case!).

Swanning around coffee shops and going to baby groups and decorating a nursery would have been a walk in the park so yes, lots of folks are being dramatic! Good luck with your new arrival and ignore the naysayers!

I really do think it’s unfair to call other people’s experiences “dramatic”. Clearly we are all dealt different hands and have different coping mechanisms and capabilities.

Exactly this. Now that I'm older I have seen so many different perspectives from other women in relation to how they've coped at home, work, with having more children ... there just is no one set way or experience.

Things that I have not found challenging, others have; things that others did with ease (eg getting out the door with small kids!) were massively harder for me.

It doesn't make anyone dramatic.

Another really annoying assumptive post.

This is true for some babies - mine probably could have done this too though I didn't try bringing any to the theatre.

I have seen other babies with colic, babies who hated the sling, babies who cried a lot. So it was not 'perfectly doable' for those mothers & babies.

I had a really chilled out baby. I found the early days very lovely. I went to baby cinema every week, stand up comedy with my baby and Ted talks. I actually worked from him being a couple months old when he slept and started another small side business. My days were coffee shops, parks and quite relaxed. Yes you're tired if your baby doesn't sleep but it is a lot of sitting in front of TV too. I loved the early days. Got harder for me when he was on the move!

You'll be fine. It's sounds like your mindset is that you want to get in with things so that's what you'll do (unless you or baby are ill of course). Some people are very dramatic and seem to make a huge deal out of not being able to get anything done. I went back to work full time when mine were three months old.

Swanning around coffee shops and going to baby groups and decorating a nursery would have been a walk in the park so yes, lots of folks are being dramatic!

I'm really sorry for your loss & cannot imagine how tough it was juggling all of the commitments you had while caring for your DF & new baby.

But this is mean of you. I, too, have had to cope with adversity because I had no choice - I was in an abusive marriage with no support & 3 v small DC, I still remember how hard the newborn stage was with my youngest as my H really upped the ante at this time.

But it's really disparaging to talk about 'swanning' around coffee shops being easy etc - for some new mothers, trying to get out & about with a baby would be really hard & stressful and just because it doesn't compare to caring for someone close who is terminally ill, doesn't make them dramatic or their experience invalid.

You can't really know what it will be like (although it's natural to wonder and plan).

Its down to the baby, and you won't know what kind of baby you'll get until it comes out and you get to know them. Its a bit like giving birth in the sense that you can have preferences but ultimately anything can happen. Like birth, the stronger your idea of how you want things to be is, the more distressing it can be when it doesn't turn out like that. So, in my opinion, best to go with the flow and set out on maternity leave with the goal of keeping everyone alive and consider anything else a bonus!

Before I had my son, everyone was the same, constantly telling me how hard it was and I didn't understand why. But, ultimately, it was really helpful, because in my most sleep deprived, unwashed moments, where all I'd managed to do all day was pump and feed (and endlessly sterilise), I knew that a lot of people found this difficult and it was normal to feel this way.

You'll definitely get your cuddles and coffees and your walks, but you may also get moments where it all feels very difficult. That's ok too.

I have 4 DC. I found maternity leave both amazing and hard work. DC1 and 3 were very easy babies, DC4 was much clingier but still ok, DC2 was very, very hard indeed.

She had a tongue tie and CMPA that went undiagnosed for a long time. She screamed her head off any time I tried to put her down. You will be amazed at how exhausting it is constantly carrying such a little weight. We did use a sling a lot in the early days, but wearing it constantly is draining in its it's own way, and not easy on the back.

I say she never slept, but of course she did. She slept in a moving car and in very short bursts at night. It was utterly exhausting and very limiting. Getting on top of the CMPA took a long time, and looking back I think a lot of her agitation was to do with her being in pain and discomfort.

The other 3 were nothing like that, but then they weren't dealing with CMPA.

I think in some ways the first few months are the easiest for getting things done. Yes you have very broken sleep, but generally your baby stays where you put it and will, with varying degrees of success, accept being in a sling/pram/cot.

As soon as mine started rolling and trying to crawl and walk that was all they wanted to do. They had no interest in sitting nicely in a highchair while I sipped coffee, or even sitting calmly in a pram as a browsed shops. No. They wanted to move on their own steam and go in their own self-determination direction. They loathed any form of chair/buggy/sling from about 4-6 months onwards.

So yeah. As many have said, it greatly depends on your birth and your baby. I also totally agree with PP who described you looking at the idealised snapshot of a mum in a cafe, when what she is mahbe experiencing is exhaustion, tension and feeling a bit frazzled.

Obviously I didn't find it so traumatic that I didn't go on to have more. I did find it hard work though.

It depends what kind of baby you get. Some will sleep. Some won't. Some want held all the time. Some won't let you sit down. Some will cry every evening for months (colic).

I think leaving the furniture to be Built later is fine and slings are great. But don't have high expectations about daily showers, having time for a cup of tea before noon etc.