Is everyone being dramatic or am I being naive?

[EtherealRoses]

Our baby is due at the end of the year, and I have been so excited but everyone on the internet and in person is starting to fill me with utter dread. I was talking about how we’re not going to build nursery furniture until baby is 4/5 months as otherwise we lose our guest room for 10 months for no reason, and have also mentioned how I hope to get a sling so I can pop baby in and tootle about the house…but it seems everyone’s response is “don’t be stupid, you won’t have any time or energy for anything”. It’s making me want to cry constantly at the thought of this 😭 I KNOW that we will have lots to do in terms of looking after our wee person, but surely this won’t take up my full 24 hours a day for 9 months? How can it be possible that we don’t have 2 hours out of a week to build furniture or half an hour out of the day to do some laundry or make food? It’s freaking me the absolute f out. Is everything really that bad once baby arrives that you don’t have time to look after anything at all between two people, or are people just being dramatic/lazy?

Of course, you can put baby in a sling and do jobs, and totally up you when you put them in their own room. It's not that hard to put up a cot, you won't have a bump then and it will be much easier to do. Xx

I had the best time on maternity, it is bloody hard work and my DH did the majority of the cooking in the first 6 months as DD would cluster-feed all evening but I honestly had so much fun getting to know and bond with my daughter. We did loads of baby groups and meeting up with other new mums and generally just had a lovely time!

This is a bad vibe thread tbh. I hope your mat leave is good but also I think you can have a for being so judgemental!

If it makes you feel any better, I was 16 with a baby and lived alone with a full time Job. I managed just fine. She's 13 now and I'd love to have that peace from the baby days! You'll be absoloutly fine! You'll figure out your own routine and what works for you. Don't let others comments worry you. Just take every day as a new learning curve 😊

@carefullycourageous i completely agree. Let’s just hope the OP is lucky enough to have an uncomplicated birth and healthy child, so she can swan around as she pleases. Always shocks me that some people can’t comprehend how much harder it is if you don’t….lazy and dramatic indeed!

Personally getting the message via media that having a baby would ruin my life meant I had very low expectations! So I was surprised when I fell madly in love with my first born (and each one since).

Just don't expect to be giving birth to a blob as I seemed to have imagined. I was very surprised to find out she had her own personality, likes and dislikes from the get go and she moulded my behavior as much as I moulded hers. For example all my babies HATED facing inwards and would only go in the sling if they could look out at the world. Things like that. If a yelling baby immediately stops when you change your behavior its amazing how you jump to it! 😄😄

I was mostly annoyed at how my husband just left the house at a moments notice while it suddenly took me at least an hour (or more) to get out with a small baby. Although for your sanity I would get out of the house each day and try and talk to a grown up (other than a partner) at least once a day.

Your ambitions definitely shrink for a while and mostly involve getting uninterrupted sleep!!

To clarify as I realise in my upset/offload while upset that I haven’t worded this as well as I should have - I 210% understand people have traumatic births and unwell babies, and not being able to do “normal” things doesn’t make them lazy. I know 3 people now who have had really traumatic births or who have been really unwell following, and would never ever think anything bad of them. I adore them! I also understand PND etc exists.

These are NOT the people telling me that my life is over 😅

The people who are telling me that we won’t have any personal time are folks who have always had cleaners, gardeners and whose parents do all their washing for them (despite being fully fledged adults). My OH and I meet up frequently with them for lunches and dinners (and coffees!) with their babies, where they all tell us we will have no time for coffees or dinner or lunches… They all openly sit and watch TV or play about on their phones while baby snoozes (and they’ve all been pretty lucky with having good sleepers) but are telling me I won’t have time to look after myself or the house. They’ve never had to look after their houses or anything like that, and often have their parents cook them meals anyway, hence the “lazy” comment. Maybe unfair of me but they’re all putting the absolute fear in me that having a baby will not be the nice but albeit difficult experience I thought it would be.

Sorry for any upset I caused with my wording x

To clarify as well, I don’t think I’m just going to “swan about”. I don’t think going for a wander and a coffee with my baby is swanning about - are you just supposed to keep them in the house until they can walk?😅 I am obviously on maternity leave to look after our baby, and I cannot bloody wait for it. I’ve just been falling into a complete pit of being terrified that I won’t be able to look after myself or the house, and needed to vent or hear positive stories. Nobody ever seems to share positive stories, but this thread has given me some reassurance.

I'm due end of November and I'm planning on putting baby in a sling and cracking on with looking after my 5 horses, 2 dogs and 25 chickens. Everyone is telling me I'm being ridiculous and I won't be able to cope. So maybe I'm very naive too but we'll find out in 13 weeks 😁🙈

It depends on the baby.

I planned on writing my dissertation, then spending the 9 months learning pottery and going to baby groups. And I thought anyone who said you won't have time was lazy.

My baby, who has severe stomach issues and allergies, had another plan - scream from dawn to dusk, and refuse to allow me to even go for a wee without blood curing cries.

My house is a state, I rarely eat healthy and my hair gets washed once a week. He also won't settle for my husband so it's all on me.

I literally only have time for the baby.

"I don't think going for coffee with my baby is swanning about"

Tbh I'm not sure you've heard some of the comments here, which is that sadly you don't get to choose whether you get a baby that will allow you to meet up with a friend for coffee at a set time. It's a bigger ask than it sounds! I wish you every luck for your maternity leave though.

I loved maternity leave: plenty of coffees, baby groups, pottering, watching TV during breastfeeding and contact naps, meeting friends. I found getting out the house the best thing for me and made it happen. I never really understood the taking two hours to get out thing, even though mine pooed 10 times a day and cluster fed loads and I had a shit recovery. But I never successed in house work or getting baby down for naps and others may find that easy!

I dreaded motherhood a bit after reading here but it's just a place to be honest about the struggles, the reality is sometimes shit, sometimes wonderful, sometimes dull, sometimes the happiest you'll ever be, and always changing.

My mat leave was like a year long holiday. I loved it. I do think I struck lucky with an easy baby though (though she had her moments!). I tended not to be in the house though- lots of meeting friends/ coffee shops/ walks/ baby groups etc.

Maybe I'm the odd one out, but I found having a baby really easy and lovely. It wasn't much more a shock to the system to getting a kitten a few years before. It was like starting a job that I felt weirdly comfortable in.

I managed to eat fine, shower fine, get out fine. Those first few months with my first were the best few months of my life.

I did a lot of lazy lunches with friends etc during the first few months. We shared the night shifts so I didn't feel particularly tired. I cooked and cleaned more than i had before baby. She wasn't a unicorn baby, and still doesn't sleep through at 5!

When the older baby and toddler years hit, I did find it harder - gone went the lunches, the reading, the pottering round at home. I was more tired as she still didn't sleep well, but slept less in the day so it was harder to catch up. But we also had a lot of fun.

My second was more of a juggle, but she was a doodle compared to the whirlwind of a toddler I also had. I chose to bottle fed my first but accidentally ended up breastfeeding my second - obviously a lot of people struggle to get it established, but for her it just worked instantly.

Many people find it hard, but not everyone. We just tend to keep our heads down as it seems insensitive not to.

I had such low expectations. It’s been much better than that. I shower, put on a bit of makeup most days, take the baby for coffee dates & my house is pretty tidy. I had a section & my baby does not like to be put down when awake (tolerates the sling). She’s not a chilled out baby like I see at baby groups.

Breastfeeding is a huge time saver if you can do it, you can feed anywhere with no special gear or cleaning. It takes me no time at all to leave the house.

I’m not learning pottery or writing a novel but you become extremely productive in the 20/30 minutes a nap affords you.

The thing is, from the point of view of the people you describe, it probably is hard work and not what they had in mind. Especially if they are the kind of people that already have a lot done for them by parents etc. it can be a shock to the system to realise that you're now responsible in the entirety for another human being.

Fwiw, I had a lovely time on both my mat leaves despite having a difficult recovery both times from EMCS and babies having a SCBU stay. Once the babies were home and well and once I'd recovered physically I did tend to go out every day to an activity or just to wander round the shops. It was great having the time to do whatever I wanted and just enjoy my babies. The house was occasionally a bit of a tip but nothing we couldn't cope with.

It really depends on the baby and also to a degree the birth. 1st baby was very difficult, also post c section so my recovery also took longer. Never felt like I had any time to do anything, baby very dependent on me, cried a lot. 2nd baby a breeze in comparison. 4th degree tear but much easier recovery. Baby basically fed and slept, very content (I was even googling baby sleeps too much at 1 point!) I was much more chilled. We found life carried on as normal, I was back to cooking meals etc very quickly. Was during lockdown so I was also homeschooling older child which I resumed as soon as I was home from hospital.

I loved my first maternity leave. I lived in a city centre at the time so had lots of wandering around shops, meeting friends in coffee shops etc. My house was also the cleanest it had ever been, plus I finished my thesis during maternity leave having gotten pregnant during the last year of uni. He was very easy to feed and change though and never made a fuss. I might be looking back with rose tinted glasses as it’s 18 years on now, but I do remember that although it was a massive change in lifestyle and routine I did have some free time and no major challenges. I’m well aware that not everyone has the same experience, but my siblings and friends babies have mostly been the same.

I'm genuinely confused as how you can't meet up at a set time with some babies.

I'm presuming that baby contingency time is built into meeting, to take account of a sudden poo, needing a quick feed etc before leaving.

Otherwise they can be fed anywhere, changed anywhere, comforted anywhere etc.

It's annoying if they are asleep and your have to risk a transfer, but at that age they have so many naps that I've shortened one is they do wake isn't the end of days.

Am I missing something? I don't get how they can keep your at home.

Totally depends on the baby to be honest. They’re all different! I’ve had 3 and it’s been different every time. My third has actually been the hardest newborn in terms of me being able to get out and about (which I didn’t expect) because they were born a bit early, feeding didn’t go very well and took a long time to establish, tongue tie, jaundice, hated being put down…. Basically it was still lovely and amazing but hard work and I struggled to leave the house and do much except care for the baby 24/7. Until about 10-12 weeks then it got easier. That’s totally normal though. Try not to have many expectations of what life will be like / what you’ll do, just take it as it comes. It can be a bit of a shock to the system at first but things calm down.

My advice would be prepare for the unexpected. Anything that involves lots of work/thought I'd get organised now.

The birth may be not what you imagined. My eldest was born 2 months early. We didn't even have a vest for her.

Lack of sleep can make your brain stop working! I mean that in a gentle way; I remember trying to sew some trousers up and I was so tired I forgot how to sew.

The sling works beautifully for some people but not for others.

I suppose what I am unhelpfully trying to say is that it is so different for everyone, that a bit of forward planning can't hurt. If you don't need it- great.

Those people in your life who are scoffing at you- just let it roll over you. It is awful and amazing and some days you can cycle through awful and amazing many times.

For the next baby, I did lots of batch cooking and that, for me, was a great help. I would have a look round, decide what you can do now and get it organised and then you can mentally 'tick it off.'

You aren't being naive- it's just....incomprehensible until you have experienced it.

At 6 months, I was so tired I had to go to the Dr. with heart palpitations. Because my baby was a prem and had breathing issues, I had been surviving on 2-3 hours a sleep for a long time. She's now getting ready to sit her GCSE's and those terrible nights seem a long distance memory.

"I just invisaged my 9 months off of work being a lovely, giant bonding session with a little mix of reading, a few coffee shops visits, and being able to be a housewife thrown in there"

I'm sorry op but this is naive! It's indescribable and relentless, exhausting and very, very hard work mentally and physically. BUT it doesn't have to be like this to the extent it brings you out in a panic. There is a middle ground! Yes it's hard but also amazing and filled with wonderful moments and it's a love unlike anything else.

Something can be hard and amazing.

You’ll be fine. Those first couple months can be tough and full on, but also lovely. If you’re breastfeeding you’ll want to let go of all household chore expectations and just focus on relaxing, binge watching box sets/reading lots whilst baby cluster feeds. My DS is 5 months now and it’s all much easier and though any big tasks are still pretty impossible, smaller ones like cooking a fairly brief meal and basic cleaning is fine.
The sling definitely helps too.
Just put you and baby first. Make sure you eat but beyond that chores can wait.

If I had had my second child first, I would have thought babies were a breeze. Some babies are. Luckily my first child demolished any chance of me being smug at how great at babies I was. I worked hard before she was born, including night shifts, but I was on my knees on mat leave. Yes I went for coffee but I couldn't hold a conversation as I was so exhausted I felt sick and dizzy. Hopefully you'll have an easier time of it, but if you do, try to remember that it's luck of the draw. DC2 was soooo easy as a baby, the opposite of DC1.

Some babies are easy and some babies are hard.
Saying that, you can achieve a lot with a baby in a sling!