long story…
I was diagnosed with PND when my DC was 2 months old (now 6 months). I’ve never had any mental health issues before. My GP has been really good - rings to check up on me every few weeks and has put me on 100mg of Sertraline. There’s definitely an improvement day to day but some days are HORRENDOUS. The other night when my DH was at work I had suicidal intentions. EDITED BY MNHQ TO REMOVE DESCRIPTION Didn’t go through with it but feel like if I feel bad enough I could. Way too scared to tell my GP or my DH this.
Ive been having CBT but find it a bit rubbish tbh. I don’t feel like the lady really listens to me. I told her I feel low and tearful so she bored me for 10 minutes about panic attacks?! I haven’t been truly honest though as she asks if I’ve ever thought of a plan to go through with my suicidal thoughts. I always say no but I often Google the most effective ways to end it all.
anyway the latest has been smacking myself over the head. I’ve got bruises on my temples and it hurts to shampoo my hair from where I’ve pummelled myself. Hit myself with DC’s rattle the other day. Laughing at how pathetic I am!
a big problem is probably sleep. My depression improved when I stopped trying to get DC to sleep in Moses basket. I now cosleep which was great initially but now DC kicks me all night and cries loads! I get really angry in the middle of the night. I also lose it when I can’t get DC to sleep and I just want to eat my tea and chill on my own for a bit!
I really don’t know who I am or how I’ll ever be normal again. I’m supposed to be going back to work soon and have no idea how I’ll function. I’m an absolute disaster as it is!
not really sure what I’m asking or if any of the above makes any sense (probably post brain cells from battering myself) but hoping maybe someone has been in a similar position and has got better. I’d love some reassurance!