PND feeling hopeless

[Sleeeeepplease]

long story…

I was diagnosed with PND when my DC was 2 months old (now 6 months). I’ve never had any mental health issues before. My GP has been really good - rings to check up on me every few weeks and has put me on 100mg of Sertraline. There’s definitely an improvement day to day but some days are HORRENDOUS. The other night when my DH was at work I had suicidal intentions. EDITED BY MNHQ TO REMOVE DESCRIPTION Didn’t go through with it but feel like if I feel bad enough I could. Way too scared to tell my GP or my DH this.

Ive been having CBT but find it a bit rubbish tbh. I don’t feel like the lady really listens to me. I told her I feel low and tearful so she bored me for 10 minutes about panic attacks?! I haven’t been truly honest though as she asks if I’ve ever thought of a plan to go through with my suicidal thoughts. I always say no but I often Google the most effective ways to end it all.

anyway the latest has been smacking myself over the head. I’ve got bruises on my temples and it hurts to shampoo my hair from where I’ve pummelled myself. Hit myself with DC’s rattle the other day. Laughing at how pathetic I am!

a big problem is probably sleep. My depression improved when I stopped trying to get DC to sleep in Moses basket. I now cosleep which was great initially but now DC kicks me all night and cries loads! I get really angry in the middle of the night. I also lose it when I can’t get DC to sleep and I just want to eat my tea and chill on my own for a bit!

I really don’t know who I am or how I’ll ever be normal again. I’m supposed to be going back to work soon and have no idea how I’ll function. I’m an absolute disaster as it is!

not really sure what I’m asking or if any of the above makes any sense (probably post brain cells from battering myself) but hoping maybe someone has been in a similar position and has got better. I’d love some reassurance!

I felt like this and I got better. What helped was increasing my dose of medication via the GP, being open about how I felt to the GP and my husband, having a routine where I had a reason to leave the house each day e.g. get milk from the shop, go to baby massage, etc., taking every available opportunity to nap and sleep and rest, having absolutely no expectations of myself other than us both surviving (and if I didn't make it out the house that day, not feeling guilty). My DC started to sleep better around 6 months and that made the biggest difference as I knew I would (likely) be able to get chunks of relatively decent sleep/rest/silence at set times of day.

There are also groups on Facebook like PANDAS and others if you're interested in peer support. I would also ask my GP for a referral to the perinatal mental health team as they are specialists in this and will genuinely listen to you and understand.

Best of luck and so much love to you, OP xx

I forgot, the health visitor was also amazing. So kind and understanding.

It will pass, all this, I promise.

@Sleeeeepplease , we're just letting you know that we edited your OP as you were quite descriptive about methods which is against our Talk Guidelines. We want you to get support from this thread so didn't want to delete it entirely. We hope that's ok. We'd really encourage you to talk to your DH and the GP about this, it's important that you're safe, and you deserve help and support💐

@Tront thank you so much for taking the time to reply! I do get out everyday as I hate being home but it probably makes me more tired! Glad you’re better now! Praying for better sleep and I’ll definitely check out the groups you suggested. Much love!

I'd love to wave a magic wand and rid the world of PND, it's such an awful thing to experience! Is there anything you used to do pre-baby that recharged you that you could do a version of now? For me it was reading novels but I obviously had no chance with my baby so I just read a very short poem a day instead, some days. That probably sounds a bit odd, but all this horrible stuff is so common but so personal at the same time, so although we know how each other feels, the ways we get better might be different. For me I had to recover my sense of self (as well as sleep. Always with the sleep!). Have you heard of matrescence? It helped me feel a bit less alone: www.ted.com/talks/alexandra_sacks_a_new_way_to_think_about_the_transition_to_motherhood?language=en

Honestly you will feel better when you go back to work as you will reclaim some 'you time'. Please be honest with those around you and get some rest.

Sleep train. Controlled crying. I have PND and my Dd is 4 months old and I'm counting down the days until I can do it. Did it with my first and my mental health significantly improved after a week of sleeping well. I have been where you are and am not too far away from it again this week.

@ThrowawayRyhme thank you! Was big into exercise but don’t really get a lot of time now! I joined a gym but I’ve only been twice! DC was a nightmare for the first few months and none of our family wanted to babysit. Things have improved now so I may have to beg family to babysit for a bit to get some time out. Just watched the ted talk - very interesting! @Dangermouse80 i hope so! Although it’s a stressful job and I often have to bring work home. I couldn’t wait to have time off with the baby. I am going back part time I just hope I can manage it all!

@thingymaboob thanks for your reply! DH wants to sleep train but I’m reluctant. He said he’d take a week off work so we could sort it out but I think I’m too soft! We tried the no cry sleep solution for a while but it was taking hours and hours and it made me worse! What age did you start controlled crying? Sorry you’re feeling rubbish. Sending a big hug and hope you get a good night tonight.

I did it at 10 months but should've done it at 6 months. It was out of control! It took 2 days!

Did your DC cry much? I can’t stand hearing the crying. My DH has just said to pick a week and he’ll have it off to sort it out. Dreading it but if it pays off in the long run I guess we’ll have to do it!

My DC cried for a few minutes. More fussy.
Sounds like your DH has your back. Good man. Tell him to take next week off! Controlled crying was miraculous for us, and everyone I know who've done it. My current 4 year old who we did it with is a beautiful, happy, attached and secure little girl. She regressed during the lockdown when she was 2 due to change of routine (nursery closed and I am front line NHS and was in tears / bringing home severe anxiety) and we slept in her room with her for a few months as she was clearly anxious and she's currently got chickenpox and we are in there with her so we always respond and attend to her genuine needs which is different to teaching them to self settle.

Read this:

www.jofrost.com/controlled-timed-crying-technique-ctct/

Thank you! I think we’ll have to bite the bullet and do it! DC still feeds through the night. Do I continue to feed when he wakes?

I am so sorry to hear your story. I had PND with my son and puerperal psychosis (from what my psychiatrist implied) with my daughter. Fortunately I had great support from DH, GP, my psychiatrist who specialised in PND and I was also on pretty strong meds. What i found helped was breaking up the day into little survivable chunks (if that makes sense) rather than seeing the day (and night) stretching out endlessly. And I got confidence by doing a little thing like taking the baby out to the shops ( yes I know it sounds silly now but I was obsessed with the fact that I didn't know how to dress them for the weather- felt so inadequate).
I thought of my depression as the sea covering a rock - as my depression lifted it felt like the tide going out and a bit more of the rock (I.e the real me) showed. You will get better, it may take time but you will get there

Choose when you feed like every 4 hours ish as it's reasonable that he would feed then. After a feed, if he's awake you do the controlled crying routine again. Put in cot, leave, 2,4,6 minute check whatever you decide

Hi OP, I've been there too - please be honest with your DH and GP about how you're feeling. And ask your HV or GP about the perinatal mental health team - they exist for this. I didn't see them as I didn't know to ask for a referral and no one told me!

Getting the sleep sorted made the most difference to us - DH used to take one night a week and sleep with DD in the spare room (the safe sleep guidelines say they should be in the same room as an adult, it doesn't have to be their mum). She was combi-fed which helped with that. We also encouraged her to sleep through asap as we had zero family around and we were struggling to cope. We would have sleep trained at six months if she hadn't already been sleeping through by then.

Going back to work helped me immensely too - I loved being back and having that structure and sense of achievement back in my life. I stuck it out on maternity leave for a full year which I now regret doing as I think we'd have been better off if I'd gone back earlier - I'd read something about it being better for baby's immunity if they go to childcare after a year rather than earlier but no actual idea if this is even true! I also regret not buying in help - I had anticipated family support but none at all was forthcoming. With hindsight we should have put DD into nursery for half a day a week from six weeks, maybe increasing to two half days just to give me a break. I also think we should have paid for a maternity nurse to help with the nights in the early days.

I also found it helpful to really structure our days. There was a lot of emphasis on doing everything on demand which I found incredibly stressful. Once we got into a routine things got better - it was just going to bed and getting up at the same time each day, with three meals from six months, but around that I also went out to a toddler group every weekday for 10am. Not everyone likes these but I found all of them had some nice helpful people who had some inkling what you're going through and who will bring you a cup of tea whilst you feed. DD used to just sleep in her sling! Spending two hours with other people made an extraordinary difference and gave me hope for the future. That covered 10-12, then we'd pop to the shops on the way home and have lunch at 1pm. Then a nap and then we'd barely have any time to survive through before DH came home from work!

Good luck OP!