I’m sinking deeper into a pit

[Used3covid]

I don’t know what to do next. I feel like we’ve exhausted all avenues.

I have EBF since birth and DC used to wake up 3-4 times a night and be a happy baby. He’s 8 months old now and life is absolutely hell every second of the day he’s waking 8-10 times a night and if I don’t offer breast he kicks, scrams, pulls my hair and cries until I give it to him he’s not thirsty because I offer water. I write this as he lies next to me, kicking scramming and crying because it’s nap time. I just don’t know what to do next.

DH can’t settle him he point blank refuses, cries and screams until he’s purple until I come. We paid a sleep consultant £250 and got nowhere! I’m at the point where my entire life revolves around a whiney baby and trying to get him to sleep. I want to give up.

I can’t put him down anywhere because he whines immediately so what do I do? House is a shit tip which is not helping my outlook on life at present.. who wants to live in a shit hole but we really don’t get a chance to clean because dc is so demanding!

I feel like I’ve given birth to Damien with how tortured I feel, I haven’t slept more than 1.5 hours since October. Now I get mauled every time I feel touched out and refuse breast, he has a dummy which he just spits out. I don’t have bodily autonomy anymore. He eats three meals a day plus two snacks and has lots of water.

I feel so clouded and live with a constant headache a feeling of dread. This can’t be normal?

Please approach your GP and health visitor. And can your partner clean the house.

Yes he makes sure there are always clean clothes to wear and clean dishes to eat from but that’s obviously the bare minimum to survive. He’s struggling working long hours from home and I appreciate what he does, the mess is getting chronic.

The HV said babies sometimes don’t sleep and it’s normal, I just feel like this is anything but! Kellymom doesn’t recommend night weaning for months yet but I have started because it’s just awful being woken 10 times per night.

You need to rope in some help from somewhere, anywhere...Friends or family, don't be too proud to ask! Your entitled to a support bubble with a child under 2.

Secondly, regarding settling baby, have you tried bathing before bed? Giving them a nice bath for at least half hour before bed helps them to sleep better. Also, food? A nice full tummy before bed will also possibly help.

I would insist that your other half take over for a couple hours on weekend whilst I cleaned the house

Have you tried some formula? Maybe DH can offer a bottle at night and you sleep on the sofa (try at the weekend so if it takes a couple of hours DH doesn't have to work the next day). Make sure it's a high flow nipple and it is room temp or warmish when he offers it. If you can get some sleep, then you will be able to think straight to sort out everything else

When I’d had enough I put mine on the bottle.
I remember that feeling of having had enough, and that I wanted my body and my life back.
Time to take your life back.
Does he go to nursery ? Are you going back to work ? Do you do anything alone, jog/run/walk ?

And forget what anyone else says - do what is right for you and your child.

For nap time, will he sleep in the car?

That sounds awful. As someone who really needs my sleep I salute you for coping thus far. Will he take expressed milk or formula? If so your husband can help out with nights. If he won't then it sounds more of a comfort/habit thing and wanting your attention. Can you put him in a sling while you get on with jobs? That's what I had to do with my youngest who wouldn't be put down.

@maria2bela thanks, I’ve been toying with the idea of going to my mums 200miles away I even wrote an AIBU but I’m not in any position to pay a fine on mat leave especially now I’m in the unpaid period, we’re pretty tight. The longer it goes on I think it will probably be best so may end up risking it. There’s no one to call on locally.

@SeaToSki DC has cmpa so I think I’d need hypoallergenic(?), I have been expressing some though so that’s exactly same as bottle feeding formula (I think?). I am struggling to get much out now I’m so down and stressed though. It’s like a catch 22, I used to be able to get 6 odd ounces out now it’s like 1 maybe 2 if I watch a video of DC. Thanks for nipple size tip I probably do need to up the size, I don’t think I have since birth

@DinosaurDiana thank you, it’s so consuming isn’t it. I couldn’t have imagined feeling this way when I started but I just feel so bloody violated every time I get kicks/scrams because I want a short period without him on my boob. He’s starting nursery in about 2 weeks for 2 days a week whilst I do KIT days then going up to full time. I used to walk the dog alone, that has slipped away as I’ve become more and more miserable though. That sounds a good place to start actually.

Thank you for the replies, it’s definitely cathartic writing it down. I wouldn’t dare say to someone in real life I thought my child is torturing me. Weird because I can’t be the only one. I mean obviously it’s not his fault and he doesn’t know what’s going on so We’ve just lived with everything until we’ve got breaking point.

He does sleep in the car eventually yes @Rarotonga2 I would have to drive for the whole time though this is fine because the other could be cleaning the house at the time. Again we’re paranoid of getting a fine for doing ‘non essential’ journeys.

I do need to get out of this funk, every 30-40 minutes DC is asleep I’ve felt so drained from the effort to get him there I’ve just zoned out on my phone or event just in the silence. I’m picking up my work stuff tomorrow and DP has taken the afternoon off to look after DC I will bolt on a long dog walk in the forest too and maybe a bath.

Sorry that went on, thank you if you got this far.

@SuperHighway DP can feed him yes but he will not go to sleep, really really screams and ends up coughing and all sorts with how historical he gets. Then I walk in and he stops straight away and laughs, I don’t run in straight away I’ve left him try and do it all evening before and DC just won’t. I don’t know where we went wrong with that. He loves him for all other things just not sleep.

Where does he sleep? My DS was very similar at that age - he woke every 45 mins from 6-8 months and it was hell on earth. We had coslept before this and the game changer was moving him into his own cot in his own room. We used pick up put down. I didn’t want to ever leave him to cry so would sit by the cot with my hand on his tummy and pick him up when he got hysterical. It took a good couple of weeks and so much effort. His night wakings immediately reduced to maybe 3 or 4 from like 10-12. I chose 2 that I would do - I think maybe 11pm and 3am - and then DH would go in with water for the rest. Again if he got really pissed off we would rub his tummy and sing to him, and pick him up to settle as a last resort. He stopped waking after only a few days for the extra feeds.

He was eating loads of solids at that point so didn’t even need those 2 feeds but I didn’t want to night wean and it felt like a good compromise. He dropped the 11pm one himself a month or so later and then I night weaned at 11 months when I went back to work.

I didn’t bother trying to get him to nap in the cot. His morning nap was in my arms or the sling, and his afternoon nap was in the pram.

You can do this!

You can get cmpa formula, you have to get a prescription, ask for one that is hydrolysed protein. It's interesting that they already have one allergy/sensitivity as your description to me sounded like a baby with a food allergy/sensitivity. Maybe LO has developed issues with more foods (mine developed 9 different ones over a 6 month period). Can you try and take what LO is eating right back to basics and do a trial of hypoallergenic formula. Also look at some reflux meds for a while as it will calm down any gastro irritation

@Used3covid You wouldn't be fined for anything! You're entitled to a support bubble as child is under 1.

Honestly I’d knock the breastfeeding on the head now, it’s doing more damage than good.

It will take a few days but he will stop and settle down. None of you can live like this. Inc your child.

I have no advice but I feel for you, my 2nd child was the same. I wish I would have gone to the GP sooner and gone on antidepressants sooner tbh because the first year broke me. Then I went back to work full time - he only started sleeping through the night at 3 (sorry) and breastfed until 3yr 3mo.

If it helps I’m due my third soon so I’m obviously not too scarred! I do need to make sure I get this one into a routine or at least try everything to get him to sleep better. Luckily my two are school age now so at least I can nap with baby during the day if needed.

Can you get a cleaner? (sorry MN stock answer)

Sounds awful.

Go back to the HV and directly request support because you are no longer coping. They have nursery nurses that you can use for sleep support for free so you're not paying more money out.

I do think though you'll have to toughen up. No means no, he's not a newborn. If you've decided you don't want to feed him all through the night then you don't have to. He's not going to come to any harm because he's screaming. Each time you follow through and don't give in he learns. It won't be nice or easy but this isn't good for either of you.

Thanks @HarrietM87 good to know it does end at some point at least. With sleeping in their own room, how did you find the transition? Was it more tiring having to go elsewhere in the night or because there were less wakings it evened out? He’s in the cot next to me, I took the side of and did a bit of engineering so it’s like a chico. That’s one good thing the sleep consultant did get us doing is putting him back in his cot. He starts the night there and depending on wakings he inevitably moves into our bed. He was in our bed from 4-7.5m ish a looooong time.

@SeaToSki yeah I’m up for stripping diet back, I’ve avoided soy and egg now too it’s been a fortnight and his skin still flared up overnight, doctor said it could be stress but I’m almost certain it’s linked to food.

@maria2bela thank you, I think I’ll start planning the best time to go.

You’re right @Bluntness100 it’s got the the point I’m worried it’s hurting our relationship long term because I just don’t want him near me sometimes, I don’t want that to go on much longer it’s a new feeling and not one I like.

Sorry it was tough for you too @HastingsSpoon, sounds positive that it’s over now! Thank you for sharing, I want to try a few good nights sleep before I opt for medication, I don’t know if I’m just a zombie because I’m perpetually exhausted or it’s PND/Depression. I need sleep to figure that out I think. Being miserable is definitely affecting my ability to do things though, since writing on here I’ve realised I get time snippets here and there and rather than do something I just veg/sit there/zone out. That just makes the problem worse because dishes just don’t get put away we just take from the drainer and then wash them again as an example.. or the clothes just live on top of the tumble dryer. Oh GOD YES A CLEANER when I return to work properly in April we’ll be getting one, I’m not sure how many hours we can afford but something will help for sure.

I didn’t know that @nyenc I’ll give her a ring tomorrow and ask about it. Yeah definitely he eats sooooo much food in the day too he just simply can’t be hungry.

@Used3covid it was so much easier having him in his own room. As j say the wakenings immediately reduced from every 45 mins to every 2-3 hours, and I would split them with DH. It took probably 2 weeks to get him falling asleep on his own in his cot (previously id feed to sleep lying down beside him in our bed) and it was really tough, and then maybe another week for or two for the night wakings to go from 4 to 2.

My second was like this woke minimum 10 times a night, but by 13 months was soooo much better maybe once a night. Co sleeping saved me as he’d latch often without me really noticing and trying to keep my mindset positive. It’s brutal now but it will get better.

How are you doing today? @Used3covid

@january29 thanks for checking in! Today is definitely a new day, I did the dog walk. I had a shower chucked some makeup on for the first time in months. I had a great afternoon, bonus DC slept for 1.5 hours this afternoon so DP managed to put the mounds of washing away and tidy up downstairs.

Not exactly solving all of the problems but everything seems a lot less awful now.

Great idea co sleeping, that’s how we’ve got through last few months. Even with the co sleeping there have been too many wakings now. Thanks for reassuring me it does end, even if 13 months feels like a lifetime away it’s better than never!

@Used3covid sounds like a much better day! Yay!

8-10 months definitely the worse bit. I found not counting wake ups or looking at the clock helped, just try to stay dozing as much as possible whilst feeding during co sleeping. The less I analysed sleep the better I could cope, try to roll with it eventually it’ll change.

If dc is rashy, it definitely sounds like an allergy is possible. Can you afford a private appointment with a pediatric allergist? That would really speed up any diagnosis as GPs like to frig around for months with this kimd of thing and if it is an allergy, the longer it goes on the more damage it causes to the lining of the stomach and oesophagus. Nutramigen is a hydrolysed baby milk, you can buy it on amazon, maybe try it for a week and only feed dc rice, chicken, pears and carrots (on the list of least allergenic foods). See if there is any improvement. Also put a mattress encasement on to limit dust mite exposure.

We could yes, I’ll see if there’s one in the area. I’ve got private health care through work with BUPA come to think of it, will see what they can do. You’re 100% right, our GP surgery has been monumentally crap, I have a final appointment with them tomorrow and if they can’t refer to some sort of specialist I’ll just go private. Each time the answer is ‘some kids get eczema’ even though I tell them it flares up with yoghurt when we first tried that and then lactulose.. ‘no it’s probably stress’. Stuck between a rock and a hard place when I’m certainly no medical professional and the ones I asking for help seem to be really dismissive. We’ve stripped diet back last night and this morning with a diary.

Hmm dust mites? Could they cause a rash? I’ve been suspicious of our mattress because his face rash started when I started co sleeping. His face is the only thing that touched the mattress because he was in pjs. We’ve since got rid of the rash and he mostly sleeps in his cot, hypoallergenic mattress, the rash is also now in other places. Still flares up on his face though.

Dust mites are a really common cause of rash and the 6-8 month time frame is the most common time for it to start to react. My DS was horribly allergic (as well as 9 different food allergies) and we had to give him special baths and use special creams, he slept with socks on his hands until he was 14 months so he didnt scratch himself while he slept. We did have help from a pediatric allergist and that made all the difference. He is now a healthy teenager with normal (spotty!) skin and only two lasting food allergies. The key to it all was proper early intervention. When he got old enough to describe it, he said when he accidentally ate something he was allergic to it made him feel like someone was stabbing him in the stomach and scraping his insides out with a spoon (nice and graphic that!). If your dc feels the same way, it would explain the crying and difficulty sleeping