OCD/Intrusive Thoughts

[KateEC91]

Hi, I am 10 months pp and have been struggling with anxiety and OCD.
I am managing to cope mostly with CBT, but have become utterly stuck when it comes to anxiety surrounding my partner.
For clarity, he was my absolute best friend until OCD struck. Now I find myself constantly questioning my love for him, our compatibility, his attractiveness etc.
I cannot explain how bizarre and nasty all of this is. I haven’t ever questioned us before. I had no need- he was perfect. Kind, caring, interesting, intelligent, funny and friendly. He is a great listener, very understanding and I have always found him to be very attractive.
Now, my mind constantly thinks things such as... ‘He isn’t tall enough... his hands are small... his voice can be annoying’..... cruel, nasty, completely insignificant things which make me feel absolutely terrible, but for some reason they wont go.
I feel so upset and unhappy because these thoughts have completely changed my relationship. I find myself avoiding him, I no longer like the idea of getting engaged and the thought of moving house feels like I’m further entangling myself in this relationship which no longer feels the same.
Please, please.... has anyone been here???

Sorry to hear you're struggling. It sounds very much as if these thoughts are part of the anxiety/ocd intrusive thoughts. They're not real, even though they say they are. So, treat them the same as your other intrusive thoughts ie notice them and simply label them as thoughts not facts and carry on with your day. It's just like if you're having thoughts of harming your baby, they're not real. The more you give them airtime and believe them and start questioning your relationship which by the way sounds great, the more strength you give them.

I've had intrusive thoughts on and off since my dd was born 14 years ago. It's always worse when I'm tired or stressed.

I've found that rather than try to push them away it's better to accept that I've thought it then try to think of something different. Shopping lists or recipes work well for me as I can mentally work through them and it sort of tricks my mind to forget the unwanted thoughts.

I did have a period when I was extremely stressed at work and had many intrusive thoughts every day and it was really getting me down. I spoke to my GP who arranged counselling which helped a lot as she gave me strategies for coping with it. She also explained that the thoughts are always the exact opposite of what I would actually do which helped me to disassociate from them.

Do seek professional help as it made all the difference for me, mainly as it validated what was happening- I wasn't just going crazy- and gave me ways to cope with it.

@ducktales1986 @Tidypidy Thank you SO much, your advice and explanations are so so useful

There is actually a sub-type OCD called Relationship OCD which sounds like what you are describing. May be worth looking into. Hope you feel better soon.

Oops just realised how old this thread is! Hopefully you aren’t suffering with this anymore!

@Watermelonsugar2 thank you! I have recently read about ROCD and do believe it is me completely. Unfortunately i still feel the same and still feel as unhappy. It is really upsetting because ultimately, how do i know that they are just intrusive thoughts and not something I truly mean?? For example, i feel happier when im not with my partner because i dont have these awful thoughts. When i am back with him again each evening, i am anxious, unhappy and basically just want to cry. It makes me feel that maybe im just happier without him. I hadn’t experienced OCD prior to having my baby and the respect i have for people who suffer from this chronically is huge.

Hi op, I've suffered from ocd since I was 6. Self diagnosed and never spoke to gp. My intrusive thoughts and overthinking everything have definitely got worse since ds was born last year. Lockdown doesn't help as more time to think! Just wanted you to know you're not alone and some of my thoughts have been really disturbing its awful isn't it

@Jesskir89 i fully sympathise and think its genuinely AMAZING that you have managed to deal with intrusive thoughts and OCD for so long. I’ve always had anxiety but since my son was born last Feb I have dealt with intrusive thoughts such as;
What if i dont love my baby enough? How do i know i love him? What if i never feel how other mums feel? What if i always have thoughts in my head? What if OCD never goes? What if i become depressed? What if i miss out on a bond with my son? Am i happy? Do i love my partner?
Dealing with those for the past year has been absolute hell on earth and has genuinely knocked me off centre, so for you to have dealt with these for so long... superwoman.
I constantly just want to feel like myself again and keep checking to see whether or not i do.
Do you have any tips on dealing with ocd at all?

Hi OP, sorry to hear you’re still struggling. I have suffered from it for years as well and would say that it’s not the kind of thing that just goes away or gets better with time.... if anything it gets worse cos you end up thinking other things to try and cancel out the intrusive thoughts, but that almost validates the intrusive thoughts because you end up thinking ‘If I don’t think this or do this compulsion, then the unwanted thoughts will come back’ and you get stuck in a cycle.

CBT is really helpful, or if you’re thinking it will be too hard to get at the moment with covid, there are also some really good books out there that could help you understand the cycle and how to stop it. ‘Break Free From OCD’ is one that I have found really helpful.

Certain medications are meant to be really good for OCD but I have never managed to break through the side effects to stay on them!

Good luck on your journey x

Hi op, I've also got worse since ds was born in March so not coping all that well atm tbh. I'm a massive over thinker and worry about everything. Am I good enough to bring up ds? If co sleeping will I accidentally hit him in my sleep etc etc (don't Co sleep full time just when he won't settle) all sorts some i wouldn't even mention. In the past I've just tried to keep myself busy but that's so hard with lockdown prob another reason its hit me more
I do find talking about it help though. My mums been great for me off loading and she's not judgmental and helps me think logically which is important. Try and put things into logic. What's CBT pp? X

@Watermelonsugar2 I’m actually coming to the end of a 3 month course of video CBT. My therapist is lovely and has explained that I have ‘Pure O’ - just obsessive thinking without physical compulsions, although some compulsions are mental e.g checking. The therapy has eradicated my fears of being a bad mum but unfortunately when i get to grips with one set of intrusive thoughts, they tend to grab onto something else important to me- this time my relationship.
I have been given exposure therapy to do around avoidance which helps, but i do still have frequent slips and cant quite seem to fully beat it. It makes me irritatable and quick to anger which just isn’t me. The more I WANT to feel better the worse it gets.
I was given Sertraline when my GP told me this was post natal depression (maybe it is, but I’m also happy whenever these thoughts take a back seat) but having read the side effects, they remain unused in our cupboard. I battled with whether or not that was the right thing to do by my son, but basically thought that something awful would happen to me if I took them and would result in me not being here for him. Ridiculous to read I am sure, but that’s my anxiety for you. It’s interesting that you didn’t find medication helpful. I’m intrigued to know how it can quieten our thoughts, although that in itself has always made me a bit apprehensive as the thought of not being in control is scary to me.
Thank you so much for the book recommendation- I will order it on amazon!
@Jesskir89 I really do think distraction is absolutely key. Are you planning to return to work? I started back yesterday (albeit from home) and having a busy brain instead of a bored one which loves to catastrophise stuff was nice. Of course though, I panic that returning to work won’t be the finish line to OCD that I hope it will be.
Lockdown has been so difficult and a breeding ground for exasperating existing mental health challenges. You simply cannot avoid them. I wake up every morning dreading my own mind.
It’s brilliant that you can offload to your Mum. Mine doesn’t understand OCD so when I said to her that I was worried that I didn’t love my partner or what if I never have, she became concerned and said I could always move back home. Lovely of course, but unfortunately if you haven’t had some form of OCD, you just won’t understand it. I really just wanted reassurance that I did love him and that all would be ok.I have since learnt that even seeking reassurance strengthens OCD, as our minds always have a way of doubting the advice given to us. For example, if my Mum had said ‘Don’t be silly, of course you love him!!’... I wouldve felt relieved for 10 minutes, but ultimately would then think... ‘But how does she know I love him??? Is she sure? What if I did love him but now I don’t?’
My therapist said that intrusive thoughts are the exact opposite of what we want- basically our worst fears. The reason they bother us so much is for that reason and because they go against our usual personalities.
I had CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) after self referring via Talking Therapies last October. It has definitely helped me to feel much less anxious around my son. Countless people swear by it for anxiety. I had to wait around 3-4 weeks to speak to someone and it is completely free.

I've got a phone call next Wednesday with the mental health nurse at my doctors i might ask her about it. Glad it helped you in some ways. Do any of your thoughts ever turn into dreams? I've had some weird dreams too since ds was born

@Jesskir89 yes all the time. During my most difficult periods when having intrusive thoughts about not loving my partner, I have dreams about my long term ex. They are awful because they make me think that subconsciously I obviously mean some of the thoughts that I label as intrusive. That isn’t the case at all. It’s really simply a case of what dominates my mind during the day, dominates my dreams.
I have also had a really nasty dream about my son, but won’t go into detail in case its a trigger for you.
I find that the less I worry about the content of my dreams, the more normal they become!

Sounds very familiar. I honestly don't think the thoughts of your partner are anything to worry about because if they were true you wouldn't see them as intrusive and worry about them so much. I know its easier said than done as I'm struggling but we need to see these thoughts and dreams as intrusive, accept them and try and move on after the thought. I'm hoping once were back to some kind of normal it will be easier. I went back to work part time 2 weeks ago from home and it does help take your mind off things x

I have bad intrusive thoughts daily. You are not alone becoming a mum has exacerbated them but I think that’s because there’s more to protect now than just me. Also lack of sleep and excessive caffeine probably doesn’t help or time to myself as much as before. Anyway I just started reading this book called mind over mother. She suffers bad with them too and has thoughts about partner: kids and all sorts.
On the upside I recently started propanaol. It’s no hormones but it definitely makes my inner monologue not as busy. It’s literally like a dull white noise and I can rationalise and logically think normally with bad thoughts if they pass by. I think the key is to recognise it as a fleeting thought and nothing less. Sometimes I think I over analyse too much as I’m off work and with the baby all day and my mind isn’t kept busy if that makes sense. It’s like auto pilot with a child but sometimes not as engaging as focusing on something else would be. I recommend writing a list though of all your fears and anxieties then challenging them with how you really feel!

@TiredoutMum93 thanks for sharing and for the tips. Its nice to know you're not alone with this and hopefully it passes. Its been a hard enough year as it is and thats probably made things feel 10 times worse

How you doing op?

@Jesskir89 funny you ask, not great :(
Obviously with it being valentines day tomorrow my mind is in overdrive. I felt awkward buying a card, i feel fake making an effort because my mind is screaming at me that I don’t love him.
I remember vividly driving on August 22nd last year when the thought popped into my head ‘What if you don’t love him?? Are you sure?? How do you know? Etc’ and i said to myself, out loud... DO NOT run away with this.
Here I am, almost 6 months later, secretly crying every few weeks because I feel so utterly trapped in a relationship which was my safe place prior to this spell of anxiety.
I just can’t let the thoughts pass. Also, my apologies as I know this detail isn’t required, but I’m genuinely repulsed by the idea of intimacy and have cried once afterwards. I was absolutely fine post partum, but as soon as these thoughts came, my relationship has basically nose dived and I don’t know how to get it back.
As much as I really hope that nobody else feels as crushed as I do right now, I am so desperate to meet someone who has been here and is past it. I just want to hear someone say, this is just OCD, you can stop fearing your own partner. It’s so difficult as we are together constantly due to lockdown, so I constantly just want to run away.
How are you lovely?? I’m excited for you to have your chat with your mental health nurse on Wednesday. It should get the ball rolling towards you feeling more like yourself x

Awww no I'm so sorry youre feeling like this again. Have your tried speaking to your partner? You don't have to go into detail but at least if you explain intimacy isn't on the cards right now as you're not feeling yourself etc it might take some weight off? How did you get over the thoughts about ds? Can you try and revert back to that method? X

Have you thought that maybe this isn’t anxiety? I would sit down and rationalise with a pros and cons list. All his good points and bad taking in everything you’ve been through. Maybe it’s your gut feeling saying you don’t love him anymore or maybe it is anxiety. It’s hard because the horrible thing is your anxiety latches and obsessed over your worst fears I.e losing loved ones. I would speak to him too.

Also maybe you need some good reassurance and romance between you both to help your worries

Sorry I just re read your comments about intimacy 😪 I’m sorry you’re going through this.

How you doing op?

@Jesskir89 not bad, but not great either. I cannot stop constantly ‘checking’ how things feel, which makes everything feel completely different anyway. It feels very overwhelming but as usual, when a new worry comes along, this one momentarily disappears and everything feels fine.
I have started taking St Johns Wort and can actually feel a slight difference already. I definitely don’t feel as much anxiety when I get the thoughts, although I would obviously rather not have them at all.
The only way I can rationalise things is to think... if I didn’t love my partner I wouldn’t feel this panicked and consumed by it... I just wouldn’t care?!
How are things with you??

Thats definitely what you need to do op put things into logic. I'm feeling much better thanks :)