Breast milk or mental health

[Squashie]

DS is nearly 3 weeks old and is having a combination of expressed milk for about a quarter of the feeds and formula for the rest due to tongue tie. I am expressing 3 times a day or so to get this amount for him but I am finding it really stressful and feel like it is taking over my day having to plan around when to express and it is taking away time from being with DS. It has now got so bad that I sit in tears every time I am expressing and now just thinking about it all makes me break down. I had an awful night staying in hospital after the birth, bed bound after a c section and failing to breastfeed with such little help that DS was screaming for 2 hours when I couldn’t get to him and no one would come and help me (DH had been sent home) and I feel like the whole issue around feeding keeps bringing me back to the stress of that night. I now have an infected c section wound so I’m on antibiotics which I’ve been told are safe for breastfeeding but I’m worried about the expressed milk giving DS thrush or a stomach upset. I am at the point of giving up with expressing for the sake of my mental health and swapping to 100% formula but feel guilty for the health of DS not giving any breast milk.

Please don't stress about this x I've been there myself and at the end of the day a fed baby will be a happy baby.

Yes, there are benefits to breast feeding but this shouldn't come at the cost of your mental health x

My dd was tongue tied and I was expressing and topping up with formula, it broke my heart to switch to the bottle (I won't be having anymore kids) but she settled so much more quickly, and when I saw how content she was happy it calmed me down.

Please don't give yourself a hard time over this x

Re the antibiotics, if you take an
acidophilus supplement that will balance your gut and should stop you getting thrush. What has your health visitor/ GP said about treating the tongue tie?

@TwigTheWonderKid in hospital when it was first diagnosed they said they would monitor his weight to see if anything needs doing and the HV told us last week it wouldn’t qualify to be done under the NHS requirements as I’m not breastfeeding

It's hard to reconcile the real life experience of trying to establish breastfeeding with the idealistic, beautiful bonding experience you have in your mind before you attempt it. Your struggles are not atypical.

So yes, you have had a rough start. No one would judge you for giving up on BF. However, if you persevere you might ultimately be glad... tongue ties can be corrected, your tears and anxiety are typical due to postnatal emotions/hormones/exhaustion, the memories of the awful birth and hospital experience will fade, your milk supply will improve over time (as long as you stay hydrated) etc.

Breastfeeding and expressing is ridiculously time-consuming at first, it tool me completely by surprise when I had my first baby.

Are you able to express with your baby nearby, eg lying on the bed beside you? Sometimes that helps.

But honestly however you feed your baby, it's your choice. If you prefer to bottle feed, then do that!

Your situation is similar to mine in lots of ways. My little girl is nearly 4 weeks old but was born low birth weight and had to be tube and bottle fed as she couldn’t breast feed effectively. I’m expressing to feed her through a bottle currently and it is no picnic my aim is to try and get her on the breast and so I see expressing as an interim measure and have set myself a deadline of 6 weeks to try and make the transition, then I will re evaluate.

Would you like to get your baby on the breast or would you prefer to bottle feed? Both are fine and valid choices. If you want to breast feed and can afford it, you can get tongue ties divided privately and then try and get baby back on breast. For me setting an end date to achieve this has really helped from a mental health point of view, maybe that would work for you?

If you are wanting to bottle feed it sounds like expressing is really impacting you, there is no shame in formula feeding. Sending unmumsnetty hugs.

The benefits of breastfeeding to the baby were overstated in some early research.
Feeding a newborn whilst recovering from birth is absolutely hellish, either bottle or breast. I think in the early days breast is usually harder on the mother. I persisted with breast mainly because I thought that in the long run it would be easier for me. (Plus those small benefits for baby). It was easier for most of the months we fed, worth those few early days. No sterilising, no preparing bottles. I was
going to ask how long this tongue tie thingy was going to last.
I don’t understand your post that your baby doesn’t meet the NHS criteria because you are not breastfeeding. Why does the NHS think you are not breastfeeding? There are breasts involved in this expressing business? (Hellish, I never stuck with expressing)

If you can afford it, go private for the tongue tie. Trust me.
I was told the same and it ended up causing HUGE issues for months. We eventually got it done at 4 months and had a different baby. Depending on where abouts you are, I can massively recommend Milk Matters Infant Feeding Solutions in Huddersfield, but I'm sure there are equivalent clinics in many areas!

So many babies (mine included) never had breast milk. They're not going to suffer from being fed formula. Your baby will benefit far more from having a mammy who is relaxed, not stressed to bits and is able to have lots of lovely time together.

My mental health is usually good but I found expressing soul destroying. I had to do it again with my second and hated it. I only managed to do it again after not doing it for 4 months a couple of times and I have lost the fear but it was SO hard. I had lots of milk but expressing was so difficult for me on so many levels.

Your baby needs a happy, healthy mummy more than breast milk. Those first few days are the most important and you've done those.

Be kind to yourself, it's ok to stop. I'm a big advocate of bfing and have nursed both of mine for extended periods and love it. But that's the thing, I love it and have found the nursing ok even with a few bumps. You are still a super mother even if you stop expressing.

Please look after yourself. Two of my friend really wanted to nurse but couldn't and felt so upset about it, but once they stopped they were SO much happier as they had found the experience so stressful.

Trust yourself and be kind to yourself. What would you tell your friend? Be your own best friend.

Also combi feeding is fine if it works for you so don't worry about that.

If you do decide you what to go on call your hospital and ask to speak to the infant feeding team who will be able to support you and also connect your to local feeding support groups. There is a great peer and professional support next work out there and I wouldn't say the local midwifes are that. They are there for the birth, you and the first few weeks but they don't specialise in feeding they are more general.

I'm going to say to you what I desperately needed to hear when I was going through similar.

Stop. Just stop. Your child needs a happy healthy mummy and to be fed. Formula will solve both those problems.

Also agree if you can afford it go for a tongue tie check and snip - around £100 for check and an extra £80-£100 if they snip (make sure this includes any follow up snips if it heals over). Mine was missed with my DD until she was 8 months and could have avoided the stress of expressing in those early days (he weight wasn't going up as it should) if it had been picked up.

Tell them you plan to breast feed but the tongue tie is making it impossible. Push, be loud - sadly the more noise you make the more likely you are to be listened too. If you don't have the energy - very likely ask a friend or partner for advocate for you and your baby.

If you’re on antibiotics I would recommend you take a probiotic, eat shit loads of live yoghurt, avoid yeast- marmite/alcohol etc and avoid sugar. I was on antibiotics 4 times and did all that and avoided thrush!!

I would also push to get the TT sorted- helps
For speech when older as well.

However, you’ve given BF an amazing go and
It’s very impressive you’ve made it this long with so many set backs so I would suggest moving to formula if you think this will help your mental
Health, as that’s what’s most important

I solely expressed for 6 weeks for my DD and felt terrible when she went onto formula when my milk dried up/just couldn’t face it anymore. My HV told me that I should feel proud that I had managed to give her some of my milk for that time. You’ve done amazingly to express and you’ve given your DS three weeks worth of breast milk goodness that he might never have had.
FWIW my daughter is now 4, very healthy and rarely gets sick. I did loads of skin to skin with her in place of breastfeeding and I don’t think our bond could be any closer. Please don’t feel guilty

Absolutely formula feed and stop expressing if you want to, you sound like you've done an amazing job to even be expressing still with all the stress and upset.

TT wise, my DD also had one and lost 9% birthweight by day 3. This wasn't enough to be referred to the TT clinic but was bad enough to be put on a feed management plan. I found someone to come and assess and snip her tie privately for £200 when she was eight days old. I had managed to feed her by around day 5 with nipple shields but it was so hard to do. Without them I couldn't get her to latch on at all. It was a horrendous start to motherhood, she was crying with frustration because she couldn't latch and I was crying because I couldn't get her to latch. Virtually no support in hospital. If you have the ability to I would try and find someone privately to come out and assess the TT as speech wise it can cause problems later on. The NHS pathway for TT is ridiculous, and sometimes the length of wait means you are better to go private if you have the funds anyway. Locally mine won't consider potential impact on speech as criteria to snip TT either.

IF you do still want to breastfeed and you get the TT snipped, your baby will need to get used to feeding because the way their mouth works changes. I think some babies feed perfectly from the off after the snip, but DD had to learn to feed without the TT but with the nipple shields which took a few days to nail, and then I had to get her off the nipple shields after that. It took me a few weeks to do because it was so emotionally draining to teach her to feed for a third time. I used to dread feeds, but we got there in the end. I do wonder if I would have been better to sack of bf though. Mum guilt is the worst!

Been there, done that and got the T-shirt. My only regret is not giving up sooner. It ruined the first 8 weeks of my dds life because I spent it in tears.

It doesn’t have to be one or the other. If you don’t want to stop you can get through this but at the moment it’s bloody hard and you need help and support. Please try calling the national breastfeeding helpline. They are trained professionals who can help you whether that means pushing on with expressing until you can feed directly at the breast or indeed stopping safely. They are not going to pressure you into bf if that’s not what you want or judge you for it. For your mental health now and further down the line, talking through the decision to stop with a trained counsellor will be beneficial. www.nationalbreastfeedinghelpline.org.uk/

I'm in the exact same situation, expressing as DD born 4 weeks ago was premature. The amount she's drinking has sky rocketed recently and I can't keep up no matter how often I express, I'm only getting 50ml tops a time so only getting about 2-3 feeds a day of breast milk and the rest formula. I also sit and cry expressing, it's so miserable, sore and time consuming, my pump is cheap and makes an incessant loud whirring that drives me insane and I'm missing out on being with my daughter. Some days I can bear it more than others. I've cut out the 3am pump and gone down to 4 a day rather than 6, but I'm ready to stop. I feel really guilty about it but it's making me utterly miserable and I'm not enjoying my daughter or focussing on her like I could or should be. Its reassuring to see it isn't just me that feels like this and I hope you manage to stop/feel better about it, and not feel too guilty about what you decide.

4 weeks with a basic pump is amazing island! Could you get hold of a hospital grade double pump? Maternity units can sometimes lend them, or local support groups, or possible to hire privately online.

Fuck me. I've been there. I struggled with breastfeeding. I've just stopped now at 3.5 years.
I'm also still on antidepressants and have the most horrid memories of her as a baby.
I'd give anything go back and give myself a hug. To make myself realise that my best is amazing. To make myself consider myself too.
Take from this as you will. But know that you have been absolutely fucking amazing. You have done, and will continue to do your best. that is what your son needs.
And please have a birth debriefing if you can. Take a look at what happened that night after birth. It sounds very difficult, heartbreaking 💔

@notaskingforafriend thank you. I did use a hospital pump whilst DD was in special care but never got any more per session than I do at home. I had a PPH so milk was slow to come in and I've never had much, I thought pumping every 2-3 hours would increase supply but if anything it seems to have reduced it! Seem to get more or at least the same with less sessions which helps reduce the guilt.

@carleyemma91

So many babies (mine included) never had breast milk. They're not going to suffer from being fed formula. Your baby will benefit far more from having a mammy who is relaxed, not stressed to bits and is able to have lots of lovely time together.

This.

@Squashie you poor love, you've had a tough time

I'm just going to say it, loudly... IT'S OK TO STOP.

It'll be fine, your baby will thrive perfectly well on formula and your mental health will be much better, I promise