Finding it very hard to love my baby because his so difficult

[sophie269]

Please don't judge. My son is 3 weeks old and has really bad GERD. I know this is such an awful thing to feel and I hate myself for it but I am finding it so hard to love him because his so difficult. His never ever happy, never sleeps, cries all the time. Having a baby that is always like this is nothing like I imagined and it's making me feel like I wish I hadn't had a baby as I'm so stressed and feel like I can't cope with it. I then feel awful for feeling this way and feel like he deserves a better mum. I just really don't think I can do this for much longer

Mine was a really tough baby who never slept. I was so sleep-deprived and hated it. It will get better, I promise.

Do you have any help or support?

It's so hard at the beginning. So much harder than I ever expected. But it does get better - 3 weeks is so young. Please don't be hard on yourself.

My son was the same and I could face cheerfully given him away I found it very hard to bond. It did get better after time . Accept any help offered and sleep when the baby sleeps. Please talk to someone or visit your doctor ,

What is GERD?
I'm guessing you're not getting much sleep yourself, which makes it all harder to cope with.
Have you spoken to the GP or Health Visitor about what you can do to help the baby?
If it's digestive/stomach issues, massage might help, www.babycentre.co.uk/l25014847/how-to-massage-your-baby-aiding-digestion-photos.
If there's anyone around who can take the baby, even for an hour or so, so you can sleep, you'll be better able to deal patiently with the baby. If you have a partner, they could take the baby out for a bit.
This stage is often really difficult, it does get better. Take up any offers of help, sleep during the day if you can, and don't be frightened to talk to the GP or HV. Join baby groups (I think they're still happening online,) it really helps having other new mothers to talk to.

I went through this in the early weeks. DS was prem so is 17 weeks now but 11 weeks corrected. After he was discharged from SCBU it was like being slapped in the face how HARD it was and I felt like you've described. I felt like I'd never bond as it was just so relentless and he also has horrific reflux so the constant crying was so hard to handle. We had tried for 2 years to conceive so I felt so guilty like you describe.

However it has gotten better. I promise it will get better for you too. 3 weeks is so tiny still and as the weeks go on, they develop much more and things slowly improve. When he was that young I just felt like I was giving so much of myself for nothing in return. But now he smiles and plays much more and it's so lovely and I can honestly say I feel so bonded with him now. His little personality is coming through now too. I couldn't imagine this just a few weeks back. So now when we do have bad days (less frequent than before), I know good days will also come around again.

Have you tried a sling wrap around the house? It can help to settle them and they tend to sleep quite well as they love the close contact. Also try skin to skin too?

Please reach out to people for support. Is there a DP to help take some of the burden off you to catch up on sleep, eat or shower? I felt so much better even just having an hour break from DS. Lean on family if you can or speak to your health visitor?

You will get through this!

GERD is reflux isn't it? I'm not surprised. While my child's reflux went undiagnosed I was on my knees and began to think I had made a terrible mistake having a child. Anyone who has had a child with reflux that isn't managed will relate: this is situational. Is the GERD being treated?

I had an easy baby and found the first few weeks incredibly difficult. What you're feeling isn't unusual, even amongst mothers who aren't having such a tough time.

My friend had the most colicky screamy baby I'd ever met. Quite suddenly he became calm and happy. He's now a delightful toddler.
It will get easier.

I sympathise with your feelings so much OP and I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Rest assured it will get easier and you're doing a brilliant job. All babies are different but I found reading up on the Fourth Trimester really helped me understand why my newborn was so grumpy all the time and what I could do to soothe her. Newborns can be very, very moany - it takes a while to come to terms with things like hunger and cold after having all their needs met straight away in the womb. Good luck, be kind to yourself and keep talking to people about how you're feeling. Sending you hugs xx

My first screamed almost non stop for the first three months of his life. Only carrying in a sling or walking in pram (no standing still) made him stop crying. He would wake up if the pram stopped moving. I was wrecked.

I commented to DH, joking not joking, that on the day DS gave me his first smile I was ready to chuck him out a window and I reckoned it was an evolutionary thing to have babies start smiling at 6 weeks old just when you are ready to murder them.

You are not alone. It gets better. He's a lovely sulky teenager now. He got a LOT easier after about 12 weeks.

I'm so sorry op. It's so overwhelming at first even when the baby doesn't have stomach issues.

For what it's worth I don't think I loved my son until he was about six weeks old. Then I fell totally in love with him. It took time and support and a lot of sleep but I did it, you will too.

Please get some more medical advice with the gerd.and if you have support use it.

I really sympathise OP. My eldest screamed all day every day for the first four months of his life. It was a very dark time and I don't think I ever fully recovered from the anxiety it left me with.

It does get easier in time. The best advice I can give is just do what you can to survive each day. Let housework and everything else go to shit. Don't be afraid of asking for help and letting your baby spend time with others so you can rest.

My dd screamed because of an undiagnosed milk allergy. She also had silent reflux. It was hell.

It did calm down once she was swapped to prescription milk and had meds for her reflux but it really was a shit time.

This too shall pass . Believe others when they say it gets better. It does, but it may not be in a straight line and it may take longer than you expect. But get through this you will.

Try not to compare yourself with other mothers who make it look easy. The difference between an easy baby and a difficult baby is night and day. When it is your first, you have no frame of reference and it seems like forever. You are doing a sterling job of being a mum. Your baby is only little for a short time and the good thing is your baby will outgrow GERD. Hang in there.

I'm so sorry you're struggling. It is so so hard those first weeks even with the easiest of babies so don't feel bad for the way you're feeling. The newborn phase is not the fluffy clouds and rainbows that we're sometimes led to believe, you don't need to 'treasure every moment' in order to be a good mum.
It will get better.
In the meantime I found a sling really useful, I wore my little boy most of the day! It really seemed to make him more comfortable and let me actually get on with things. Do you have anyone who can take the baby for a few hours so that you can get some sleep? Give your GP/health visitor/midwife a harass to see if they have any suggestions for the GERD.

I now know it is surprisingly common for new mothers to feel no bond with their baby until the baby is a few weeks old. Nobody talks about it. The chatter is all hearts, flowers, huns and instantly being besotted with the little darling. Turns out that is not particularly normal.

You are normal. Your relationship with the baby is normal enough for now. Get more sleep. Get other people to help you get more sleep in any way possible. Know that this stage WILL pass in a few weeks. You'll be fine. Especially if you get more sleep.

I found it helped to keep a little diary about baby that I wrote a couple of lines in whenever he fed. In theory it was a feeding log but in reality it allowed me to offload some feelings a bit.

Huge sympathies for you. My eldest was awful. Cried all the time unless at the breast - when she fell asleep before taking a full feed as she was so knackered. Would wake as soon as I moved. And repeat. She had horrible reflux but we were in ever decreasing circles. The less she effectively fed, the less milk I had, she was hungry and sore, so she cried. Health professionals were useless. Like a pp, we tried for years, and all the other babies were content and peaceful.
At 12 weeks I switched her to formula with added medication and it changed my life. She was still a tricky baby and toddler but so much better.fast forward 10 years, she's lovely. Chilled and funny, I enjoy her company.
It's so hard to be where you are, but it will get better. Xx

My child as a baby was perfect, slept through so early, never really cried and was happy in general and even then sometimes I felt like the wind was knocked out of me on just how hard it is to be a parent, so I can only imagine what your going through.

Your tired and hormonal too which doesn’t help, don’t feel bad about any emotions your feeling, it’s normal. Maybe someone can take over for the day so you can sleep? If not just keep pushing through hard, it does get better just hang on in there

Also, you won’t think it at the moment but when he first smiles at you you will think it was all worth it, just from a smile, I don’t know how they do it!! But it works.

Once even older their first hysterical laugh is also pure pure gold and a memory you will love forever!!

I remember sitting my much loved DH down and explaining we needed to get divorced so I could give him our son at weekends and I'd get a break. I also remember telling him (IVF/ICSI baby) that there where lots of parents at the clinic desperate for a child and they could save all the stress and I'd just give them mine .... at that point my mum was fetched and took over fir 2 weeks. None of the books tell you just how bloody hard it can be.

The smile did not make up for a difficult baby that could not entertain themselves during the day nor sleep through at night for 2 years.

Sorry.

Sounds like mine. I was so jealous of all the other mums with placid babies who slept all the time. I even started resenting meet ups because mine would cry throughout and disturb their babies. I genuinely believed my PND was caused my a highly strung baby and constant exhaustion for months. Things improved massively around 9/10 months.

DD threw up a lot as a baby. She also lost too much weight after she was born, so I was put on a hellish three-hour-cycle of expressing, waking DD up, breastfeeding and feeding her top-ups through a cup or syringe. DD also had bouts of colic and would often scream for 1-2 hours in the night. I felt that she was pushing me too far and making my life a misery.

Those first weeks seemed so long, but things did improve. By ten weeks, DD was usually sleeping through the night! Most parents aren’t quite that lucky, however babies develop fast and they really do get easier. Get as much support as you can and hang on in there!

It’s so tough at the beginning. Are you getting sleep? Do you have anyone to help? I found my baby never wanted to be put down first few weeks and found wearing a sling around the house and walking a lot in the pram gave me some relief. How are you feeding baby? Maybe ask to get the baby checked over at your next appointment for things like tongue tie if he is struggling to feed as it can get missed (I know). Thinking of you it does get easier

You poor love. It’s so hard. You are no doubt exhausted, hormonal, emotional, stressed and struggling and still the baby needs you. So so hard

Please reach out for whatever support you have available. Talk to your HV about how you are feeling.
And hang on to the knowledge that this will change. You will come to love your baby, you will form a lovely bond. Right now you’re in newborn survival mode with the GERD thrown in to make it more difficult.
Sending you strength and wishing you well