I know I’m going to sound insane and like a terrible person but I feel like having a baby was a terrible mistake. Even writing this makes me want to cry. I love my boy so much, he’s absolutely lovely and perfect in every way but I’m truly struggling.
I’ve always had depression and anxiety most of my adult life. Feeling low after having a baby wasn’t a shock to me, I definitely expected it. But I just don’t want to be here anymore. I wish I could go back in time and have never of met my husband, so he’d never know me and we would never have a child. That way I couldn’t cause anyone any pain. I just want to die. I know it won’t be the best for my son if I did kill myself but as I said, I’ve had depression most of my life and I’m so fed up of it. I’ve been to the doctors and been prescribed antidepressants but I’m currently breastfeeding and I don’t want to take them (I’ve done my own research and come to the conclusion I’d take them when I stop BF).
My little one doesn’t sleep well at night and is up around 4-5 times (he’s 3 months now) my husband sometimes helps, but he works and I know he needs more sleep than me to function. I’m constantly tired. Fed up. Looking like shit. Feeling like shit. My house is a tip. My garden is a tip. I feel useless. I feel like I’m the issue.
I try my best with my boy, I always go out, I see friends, on the outside I look like a very happy mum. I dote on him a lot as I never want my depression to affect him but he’s been super cranky this last week (I think he’s teething) but in my mind, I think he’s turning into me and he’s depressed and hates me. My husband and I are very open about our mental health and he’s very supportive but I’m in the blackest hole right now and I don’t see any escape.
My body is wrecked. I had an emergency c section and I’m covered in stretch marks. My tummy is saggy And so are my boobs and I feel like I’ve lost myself. I feel so ugly. I dyed my hair to try and change it up but I feel even worse. I think I look like a joke.
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I love my boy and my husband but I don’t think these feelings are ever going to go away. Everyday I have to talk myself out of not hurting myself but I’m now thinking it would be for the best.