I feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake

[Reallyhurt]

I know I’m going to sound insane and like a terrible person but I feel like having a baby was a terrible mistake. Even writing this makes me want to cry. I love my boy so much, he’s absolutely lovely and perfect in every way but I’m truly struggling.

I’ve always had depression and anxiety most of my adult life. Feeling low after having a baby wasn’t a shock to me, I definitely expected it. But I just don’t want to be here anymore. I wish I could go back in time and have never of met my husband, so he’d never know me and we would never have a child. That way I couldn’t cause anyone any pain. I just want to die. I know it won’t be the best for my son if I did kill myself but as I said, I’ve had depression most of my life and I’m so fed up of it. I’ve been to the doctors and been prescribed antidepressants but I’m currently breastfeeding and I don’t want to take them (I’ve done my own research and come to the conclusion I’d take them when I stop BF).

My little one doesn’t sleep well at night and is up around 4-5 times (he’s 3 months now) my husband sometimes helps, but he works and I know he needs more sleep than me to function. I’m constantly tired. Fed up. Looking like shit. Feeling like shit. My house is a tip. My garden is a tip. I feel useless. I feel like I’m the issue.

I try my best with my boy, I always go out, I see friends, on the outside I look like a very happy mum. I dote on him a lot as I never want my depression to affect him but he’s been super cranky this last week (I think he’s teething) but in my mind, I think he’s turning into me and he’s depressed and hates me. My husband and I are very open about our mental health and he’s very supportive but I’m in the blackest hole right now and I don’t see any escape.

My body is wrecked. I had an emergency c section and I’m covered in stretch marks. My tummy is saggy And so are my boobs and I feel like I’ve lost myself. I feel so ugly. I dyed my hair to try and change it up but I feel even worse. I think I look like a joke.

*[redacted]

I love my boy and my husband but I don’t think these feelings are ever going to go away. Everyday I have to talk myself out of not hurting myself but I’m now thinking it would be for the best.

Please reach out to someone in real life immediately! I beg you.
Life changes massively when you have your first baby - I can guarantee you that we all feel crap about our bodies etc but the feelings you describe are on the far end of the spectrum.
Please be kind to yourself and put yourself first. There are no prizes for suffering in silence, just more suffering. I'm not religious but I'm saying a little prayer for you right now sweetheart. 💖

So many of us have felt this way

Please reach out ASAP

Who do you trust to help you?

Please keep posting here too I have found so many great people on here to help me

Hi Reallyhurt,

We're so sorry that you're feeling this way.

We can see you're already getting some good support from other Mumsnetters here, but we thought we'd also add a link to our Mental Health resources as there are many organisations listed which could give you some more support in real life. The Samaritans are there for you too, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123, any time.

Your baby is still very young and you may well be experiencing postnatal depression, so we'd urge you to take a look at an organisation called PANDAS Foundation which was set up to support families through PND & AND. Their webpage is here and they have a free helpline, available Monday – Sunday 11am-10pm - 0808 1961 776.

We also wanted to share a link with Mind's information on Managing mental health problems with a new baby. It's an online booklet for any parent living with a mental health problem, with suggestions on what you can do to help yourself and your baby. It also explains what support is available and includes information for friends and family. Please do take a look.

Just so you know, we've edited your opening post slightly just to remove the line where you've mentioned a suicide method, as we're not allowed to host threads which contain such posts.

Sending good wishes, OP. We really hope you're okay.

Just bumping for you darling x

Take the antidepressants sweetheart. They will transform you. There are ones like sertraline which are very safe in breastfeeding and used by many thousands of mothers. I know what its like to tie yourself in knots of anxiety about whether you might harm your baby by taking them, but you really really won’t. And as much as breastfeeding has many wonderful benefits, it will never benefit baby as much as a mentally well mother will. Not only that but baby aside, you deserve to live without this daily pain and sadness. Please, please consider taking them.

Please speak to your health visitor, gp or pharmacist about your meds and whether they are safe during bf.

Once they have assured you they are safe you will be so much more confident taking them and will feel more yourself.

You deserve to be happy and if we need meds we need meds. Some people need glasses, some people need fillings in their teeth, you need medication. It’s fine. The pharmacist will be on duty just now. Could you take a stroll down and ask?

I had feelings similar to you after my first child. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It was only a year later in therapy I realised how ill and 'not myself' I'd been. Please reach out and get some help. This is a very challenging period in anyone's life but a million times harder with
mental health challenges.It's hard to see a way out when you are right in it. But things can change. It's all just a bad dream to me now. It can be for you one day too.

So sorry you are feeling this way. There will be days that feel better than this one, hold steady and you will get to them.

I have a 5 month old, I breastfeed her and I take an antidepressant every day. Sertraline is safe to take while breastfeeding. The decision to take medication or not is yours, but as a PP said, what your baby needs most of all is a well mum, whatever it takes for you to get well.

Talk to your doctor. Talk to your health visitor. Talk to anyone you trust. Be honest about how you are feeling. So many people, especially your husband and your baby, need you to stick around. I too have struggled with my mental health for years and years and have been in that place where it seems like the horrible horrible feelings will never go away. Those feelings did go away, and I know it’s hard to believe it right now, but yours will too.

You are not alone in feeling this way I’m sure we’ve all felt like this at one point and not getting much sleep is actual torture so that definitely won’t be helping. Our brains are very complicated things and even when we have all the reasons we can think of to be happy doesn’t mean we automatically are! I think it’s so important to speak to people, no one will judge you at all and will only want to help you, anti depressants are a big help as well. I hope you feel better soon x