I can't believe I feel this way

[Rosebel]

Had a stressful pregnancy and ended up having my baby last Wednesday at 37 weeks. I was so happy really happy but since then everything has gone wrong. We were in hospital for days because of jaundice and then waiting test results.
Finally came home on Sunday but it's pretty obvious my baby doesn't like me and it hurts as I love him so much.
We had to switch to formula in hospital but now he will only fees, for my husband. Hes not a good eater and has lost weight but feeds better for my husband. He also likes to cuddle with my husband more than me.
Already feeling like a, failure due to breastfeeding I now feel even worse and am terrified of what will happen when my husband goes back to work and my baby won't feed.
I've wanted this baby for so long. I have 2 girls (11 and 13) and had several miscarriages before having my 3rd. Obviously my body was getting rid of the babies because I'm a shit mother. Feel sorry for my son ended up with me.
Not sure what the point is anymore.

Oh lovely.

None of this is true. It's just awful awful hormones and exhaustion talking.

Please look into getting some PND support and being kind and looking after yourself.

Oh love, I agree, it's hormones and exhaustion. Please tell your midwife how you feel, they will help.

Hi OP

We're so sorry you're feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us, we usually like to add a link to support.

You can take a look at our support page here which includes useful links on how to get help.

Though Mumsnet can be a valuable source of support and advice, it is important to seek real-life help, too.

Wishing you the very best.

I could have written this exact same post. I had my DS several years ago, had a traumatic birth and a lengthy stay in hospital afterwards due to jaundice. I really struggled mentally after we came home - I couldn't feed him and felt like a failure - especially when everyone was trying to push the 'breast is best' manta at me. I'm so sorry you feel this way. It took me a few weeks to get into the swing of things once I was at home but the thing that helped me the most was asking for help from family and my health visitor. I wrongly had it in my head that they would see me as a failure if o admitted 'defeat' but I couldn't cope. Sharing the issue made it easier to overcome. He was also a fussy baby and cried constantly. I can only say that I took each day at a time but eventually it got easier and I would say now he's closer to me than anyone. He told me this morning that he's going to live with me even when he's 60 😄
Please done feel alone, there's so much help out there. You are his whole world but he can't express it yet - you'll have an amazing bond xx

I have seen a different midwife at every appointment and although they do ask if I'm okay I don't really feel like I can be honest.
I don't know what to do. I love my little boy so much but just want to cry. I don't feel good enough for any of my children.
I tried to talk to my husband but he doesn't really understand. He just says I'm being silly and things will get easier.
I just wonder if I get up and walk away. I think my children would be happier without me.

I’m no expert but it sounds very much like you have PND. Your hormones are making you feel this way. Call your health visitor in the morning and tell them you need help. Don’t pretend or ignore it, get someone to help you ASAP so you can focus on your little boy.

Please get some professional help from one of the links in previous post.
Your little boy does love you, you're all he's known for 9 months growing inside you! He needs his mummy, don't ever think that he doesn't. There is plenty of time to get the bonding going with your son. If your husband can help a bit more at first, that's great. Try and relax and enjoy all being together rather than feeling like you're failing. Those first few weeks are a crazy time for everyone - nobody feels like they've "got it" at this stage, don't worry!