I want to kill myself

[Pinkgirl1986]

I'm a crap single mum with no support. I never get a break from being a parent and that's fine. Honestly.
I just don't want to live anymore. I feel like I'm failing my child.
When I was pregnant I was severely ill and almost died and the trauma has stayed with me since. I've lived in anxiety since.
Everyday I think something bad will happen to my child. Because of me. Like I try and cook him food and I fail every time. I've bought multiple receipie books and downloaded apps to follow and I go out, buy all the stuff, cook it - I either burn it, get paranoid it's undercooked or paranoid he will choke. So I head back for the 'trusty' baby jars. Which makes me feel like the worlds worst mum. I feel like I'm stopping his progression with food. I hate finger foods. I watch him like a hawk and flinch at every bite he takes. I'm so useless. I look at other babies his age and feel even worse when I see them eating foods I haven't yet given my baby. What if he never learns to eat because I'm so crap?!
Then I worry he will get poorly. Like he'll get cancer or something. I just can't bare the thought of this worry for the rest of my life. I visualise being in hospital wards with him and all sorts 😭
Then I have herpes. I can't get my head around it. I'm petrified of passing it to him. It's genital herpes. I wash my hands all the time. They're cracked. They bleed. They're sore. I darent take him swimming because I don't want him near my half naked body. I'm disgusting. I see stories of babies getting herpes and not even by being kissed. Just by someone touching them. I sometimes panic if I haven't washed my hands after the toilet and replay it in my head.
Every rash, every spot, every different move he makes I think he's ill.
I don't care about me. I don't care about the fact my life has changed. I didn't have an overly exciting life before he was born and now I'm super privileged to be able to share my life with him. I take him to classes x3 weekly. And constantly arrange days out with friends and their babies. Everyone says I'm a good mum. But that's only because they see smiling selfies and me out and about taking my baby to lots of nice places. They don't see me behind closed doors, cooking a meal and crying when I don't get it right and sobbing as I look at his face when I feed him A stupid baby jar and ask why I'm such a crap mum. They don't see me crying during a nappy change when he's throwing himself everywhere, out of my arms, in to awkward positions and me fearing I've hurt him. They don't see me taking 5 minutes out when he cries constantly and there's physically nothing I can do anymore and Then I feel overwhelmed with guilt that I've stepped away for a few minutes (obviously where I can still see him), they don't see me feeling angry or upset or guilty all the time.
I feel guilty if i ever feel happy fro myself. Which I don't. I'll never have a relationship again because I'll never want to let anyone in. I tried but he was dictating to my parenting and made me feel so insecure. That now I fear no one will ever truly understand. I don't think I'd trust anyone around him either. I'm scared I'm going to make him anxious and introverted. I am dreading going back to work as I have no help with childcare and I am petrified to put him in nursery so young.
When he smiles I feel so guilty. I feel like why am I such a train wreck mum. People tell me he's a very smiley baby. God knows why. Then I feel guilty and scared about him not smiling.
I'm sensitive to the news or social media when I see bad things happen to babies and children. I can't handle it. I just imagine it happening to my child and it makes me just want to cry.
When I left hospital when I was ill and pregnant. I really left that hospital as good as dead. Since then I've never been the same person. I'm totally scared. I've tried with mental health teams and medication. It does not help. I can't take time out for myself. I have massive roots and I haven't had a manicure for like a year but I don't care. I don't care about me anymore. I just live for my child. But I am failing. I'm a crap mum. And want to end my life now because I darent watch him grow up. I should be enjoying this time. But I aren't. I question everything. Everything is a hazard. I will ruin his life if I am like this. I'm scared about everything. Over thinking everything. He would be better off without me. I'm sure of it. I just want the best. For him.
Really. What do I do? I'm in tears. I just sit and cry looking at his cot with him asleep imagining how I would feel without him.
I feel guilty when I don't do laundry one evening because I physically am too drained to do it.
I have good days. And I feel like super mum. For 5 minutes. Because then I remember feeling happy and normal these days is temporary.
Am I rubbish? Really. No one thinks I am but no one lives in my head. I do, do a lot more than most mums I know in terms of baby activities and everyone admires me for coping with no support and help for child care, not even an hour etc. But what is there to admire? I'm useless in all areas and I feel I will ruin his life.
Please help does anyone else feel like this?

Oh my God, please make an appointment to see your gp. You are doing such a great job with your wee boy and even more so because you’re flying solo. Is there anyone in real life you can reach out to? You can do this. I believe in you. You are not alone.

Please be kind to yourself. You are a good mum. Look after yourself. It makes me so sad to read what you're going though. I understand you feel so low. But it can get better and it will. You have shown such strength already. Is there someone you can talk to tomorrow? Take care x

There will be posters much much better equipped to advise, help and guide you Pinkgirl1986 but just wanted to acknowledge your post.

You are not a crap mum, your post shines with sheer love for your baby.

Life is bloody hard at times, even for parents together, but as a single mum, you are doing bloody brilliantly to get through each day when your mind is in turmoil.

Your baby will be best placed with the one who loves them selflessly and whose world revolves around them : that's you 💓

You need to see your GP. I'm suspecting post natal depression from your post. Please believe that you are a good mum, you just need a bit of support & there is help out there

Oh pink how are you with your health visitor? Please contact them and let them know how you feel. And as pp have said your GP. The hormones that our body's have post birth are so intense.

You're absolutely not alone. It's ridiculously common how many people feel exactly the same way that you do. I think that you really need to take half an hour out and talk to someone. Even if it's to do nothing more than to vent. Give Samaritans a call. They'll listen, they won't judge, and it's completely confidential. 116 123 ❤️

You're doing the best you can and that is good enough. Babies are hard work. You care and love your child and try to do your best so acknowledge that. I'm sorry you're feeling so low OP. You come across as a lovely mother who just wants the best but you need to be kind to yourself too. And baby food jars is fine, don't beat yourself up about it.

We all get things wrong, it's natural. If you keep trying with your cooking you will see improvements. It just comes with experience.

Please go and see your GP and explain how you feel.

You can do this xx

My baby lived on jars and bottles and is now a very healthy 22 year old semi pro rugby player, so please don't worry about that aspect.

You need to talk to someone in real life who can help, lots of love to you sweetheart, babies are really really really hard x

OP, you sound like you have post-natal depression at the very least.
Please recognise that by posting this you love your baby very much - but you need some help.
It sounds like you are in a very lonely sad place at the moment, and I feel for you.
Please see your GP or health visitor and tell them how you feel.
Rest assured that they will try their best to help you and your baby (because it is clear you have their best interests at heart) and try to help you feel better at the same time.

I echo the Posters above - be kind to yourself. You sound like a brilliant, selfless mum.
It is always hard with no support. I had severe post natal depression, always worrying that I was rubbish but I wasn’t. I went to my GP .
Your child is loved obviously and he needs you.
Please take care and don’t be so hard on yourself. xx

Hello pink girl. Your love for your baby shines through your pain. Be kind to yourself, it sounds like you are trying so hard under difficult circumstances. Xx

What support have you had, you mention mental health teams. Did you have a worker who was supportive, that you could have a good relationship with? Ask for a change of care coordinator if this is not the case. I would suggest medication definitely has a role, an anxiolytic/ antidepressant such as citalopram or sertraline for an adequate trial period at an adequate dose. If you have actual plans to end your life, please contact your mental health team now, or your GP. I hope you get the help you deserve, you sound like a loving and devoted mum xxx

I remember feeling as you've described when I had PND. It's clear from your post you adore your child and are a caring mum. Anyone who grew up in the 80s / 90s did so on jars, don't over think that for now.

I was given medication to help get me back on an even keel and it honestly saved my life. Make a GP appointment, you don't have to cope with this alone.

Just to add your baby needs you and only you. No one else in the world feels what you feel for them or cares as much. You sound like a great Mum.

It gets better. It really, really does. But it also takes some noise at the doctors sometimes.

When I was at my worst, I could ring (or with my second, text) my midwife or health visitor (depending on whether gestating, newborn or next to newborn) who would get an appointment for me.

I suffer with intrusive thoughts which can also include unwanted imagery of situations which haven't happened (at least to me or my family) and this became worse after I first became a mum.

Talking it out is helpful and you've let out a lot on here. It would be super helpful if you could trust one of your friends enough to let them know you're actually feeling this way, it surprised me to learn how many people had the same anxieties as I did.

But you don't have to tell them either.

I do hope that you'll call or message or visit your GP or health visitor though.

If it makes you feel any better, I've got two kids and it's the one who I fed my from scratch home made stuff who has the tummy problems, where as my second had more jars and is fine. First was bottle, second was breast then bottle. Food is food. Honestly, if your cooking really isn't grand (I'm sure it's fine, sounds like anxiety but I'll believe you) then jars are fine. Puree, lumps, sticks or goo, it's all food.

You're also a good mum because you made this post. We can try to help.

Thank you all - I called Samaritans last night. I'm seeing my GP today. I think I need some trauma counselling as suggested by Samaritans. I will take that up and I think I need to not put pressure on myself because I know deep down I do a good job. So I will see what the GP says today 💓

Hi Pinkgirl1986,

Sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time.

We're really relieved that you called the Samaritans last night, and also that you'll be seeing your GP today. We can see you've had some good support from other Mumsnetters already, but it's always good to try to get as much help as you can in real life too.

We hope you don't mind, but when threads like this are flagged to us we like to link to some ideas for support. We have some more information about postnatal depression, here
We also wanted to share Mind’s information with you – it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help. Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything which might be helpful right now.

Please do think about exploring some of the options in the links above. Samaritans are always there for you too, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide

Sending good wishes from all at MNHQ

@JoMumsnet
Hi thank you for the links. I also have been suggested MIND too. definitely going to explore every option. I love being a mum and just want to be the best I can. I guess I need to remember that I have to take care of myself too x

You're doing an amazing job. Please be kind to yourself. X

Hi pink so pleased to see you've made those steps- be proud of yourself. You definitely are doing an amazing job and the best for your baby.

It sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job and you obviously love your wee boy very much. That shines through. I’m so glad you’re getting help. I hope your GP was helpful. What did they say?

Anxiety/PND is a nightmare. I hope after you’ve had some help you will feel better.

And yes, look after yourself, even if it’s just having a nice bath, reading a book, chilling out listening to music or having a cuppa with a friend.

Take time for you. Your boy is lucky to have you.

Ok, how did you get on with your gp today?
I have PND and started meds on tuesday.

You really sound like a great mum and do so much for your little man. Try to take it easy and look after yourself, your baby needs you so take care of yourself

Pink your post made me remember vividly lots of the feelings you describe after my DS was born. I was lucky I had a DH to support me, but in truth I felt totally alone and utterly useless and hopeless. PND, I now know. It is horrible.

So glad you are getting help. This will pass. Your love for your little one is so clear from what you write. That is a lucky baby

You sound like a wonderful mum. You can be a wonderful mum and have poor mental health; and by making that appointment you've taken such a huge step.

Tell us more about your little one :-)

You sound like me when I had my first dc 11 years ago had a traumatic birth and nearly died was in hospital weeks got home and was terrified something would happen to my son couldn't watch the news or read papers in case I read something about a child I was terrified I had contracted something from the blood transfusions and I would pass it on to my child I went straight to the doctors I knew the signs of pnd as my sister had it . I was put on medication and sent for 6 weeks of counselling I won't lie it took me 2 years to feel well again but to me that was amazing because I thought I would be like that forever. Please believe me it will get better I now have 2 dc and one on the way so you can and will get better going out for walks also helped and eating healthy and getting plenty rest also helps