I'm a crap single mum with no support. I never get a break from being a parent and that's fine. Honestly.
I just don't want to live anymore. I feel like I'm failing my child.
When I was pregnant I was severely ill and almost died and the trauma has stayed with me since. I've lived in anxiety since.
Everyday I think something bad will happen to my child. Because of me. Like I try and cook him food and I fail every time. I've bought multiple receipie books and downloaded apps to follow and I go out, buy all the stuff, cook it - I either burn it, get paranoid it's undercooked or paranoid he will choke. So I head back for the 'trusty' baby jars. Which makes me feel like the worlds worst mum. I feel like I'm stopping his progression with food. I hate finger foods. I watch him like a hawk and flinch at every bite he takes. I'm so useless. I look at other babies his age and feel even worse when I see them eating foods I haven't yet given my baby. What if he never learns to eat because I'm so crap?!
Then I worry he will get poorly. Like he'll get cancer or something. I just can't bare the thought of this worry for the rest of my life. I visualise being in hospital wards with him and all sorts ðŸ˜
Then I have herpes. I can't get my head around it. I'm petrified of passing it to him. It's genital herpes. I wash my hands all the time. They're cracked. They bleed. They're sore. I darent take him swimming because I don't want him near my half naked body. I'm disgusting. I see stories of babies getting herpes and not even by being kissed. Just by someone touching them. I sometimes panic if I haven't washed my hands after the toilet and replay it in my head.
Every rash, every spot, every different move he makes I think he's ill.
I don't care about me. I don't care about the fact my life has changed. I didn't have an overly exciting life before he was born and now I'm super privileged to be able to share my life with him. I take him to classes x3 weekly. And constantly arrange days out with friends and their babies. Everyone says I'm a good mum. But that's only because they see smiling selfies and me out and about taking my baby to lots of nice places. They don't see me behind closed doors, cooking a meal and crying when I don't get it right and sobbing as I look at his face when I feed him A stupid baby jar and ask why I'm such a crap mum. They don't see me crying during a nappy change when he's throwing himself everywhere, out of my arms, in to awkward positions and me fearing I've hurt him. They don't see me taking 5 minutes out when he cries constantly and there's physically nothing I can do anymore and Then I feel overwhelmed with guilt that I've stepped away for a few minutes (obviously where I can still see him), they don't see me feeling angry or upset or guilty all the time.
I feel guilty if i ever feel happy fro myself. Which I don't. I'll never have a relationship again because I'll never want to let anyone in. I tried but he was dictating to my parenting and made me feel so insecure. That now I fear no one will ever truly understand. I don't think I'd trust anyone around him either. I'm scared I'm going to make him anxious and introverted. I am dreading going back to work as I have no help with childcare and I am petrified to put him in nursery so young.
When he smiles I feel so guilty. I feel like why am I such a train wreck mum. People tell me he's a very smiley baby. God knows why. Then I feel guilty and scared about him not smiling.
I'm sensitive to the news or social media when I see bad things happen to babies and children. I can't handle it. I just imagine it happening to my child and it makes me just want to cry.
When I left hospital when I was ill and pregnant. I really left that hospital as good as dead. Since then I've never been the same person. I'm totally scared. I've tried with mental health teams and medication. It does not help. I can't take time out for myself. I have massive roots and I haven't had a manicure for like a year but I don't care. I don't care about me anymore. I just live for my child. But I am failing. I'm a crap mum. And want to end my life now because I darent watch him grow up. I should be enjoying this time. But I aren't. I question everything. Everything is a hazard. I will ruin his life if I am like this. I'm scared about everything. Over thinking everything. He would be better off without me. I'm sure of it. I just want the best. For him.
Really. What do I do? I'm in tears. I just sit and cry looking at his cot with him asleep imagining how I would feel without him.
I feel guilty when I don't do laundry one evening because I physically am too drained to do it.
I have good days. And I feel like super mum. For 5 minutes. Because then I remember feeling happy and normal these days is temporary.
Am I rubbish? Really. No one thinks I am but no one lives in my head. I do, do a lot more than most mums I know in terms of baby activities and everyone admires me for coping with no support and help for child care, not even an hour etc. But what is there to admire? I'm useless in all areas and I feel I will ruin his life.
Please help does anyone else feel like this?