Not feeling the "love at the first sight" for baby

[Momhope15]

First time mom here and have had quite a difficult start. I wanted a natural birth however due to GD I was induced and ended up with an emergency c section.
I managed to get through the contractions only with tens and gas and air for most of the whole day until I asked for epidural as it was too much. Had 3 epidurals and all 3 failed (one side was numb but could feel half of my legs and contractions).
After c section I wasn't able to hold baby as i was very drowsy and being sick. I remember being very happy (of course) to hear her cry. But after that all is a blur.
Day 3 she had jaundiced so was readmitted back into hospital. Day 5 had some complications with c section wound with hematoma and wound opening up and blood oozing. Day 7 readmitted to hospital due to passing large clots stayed 2 nights. Doctors said to take the conservative approach of wait and see if it clears by itself. And now been again in hospital for the past 3 days as the c section wound is not getting better and had to have the incision cleaned and dressed.
I am also exclusively breastfeeding which I was very upset due to having to take 2 courses of antibiotics.
I am not sure if all this contributed to my lack of bonding with my daughter but I just don't feel the "love"'that everyone says and honestly I am quite worried!! The first 2 weeks were very tough, I was crying most days as I felt I couldn't take care of her, I was in pain, having to drag her to all
My hospital visits, had a tough time with breastfeeding...
Week 3 is much better she is sleeping and eating well. However I still don't feel "in love" with her and sometimes miss the "old"'times without a child.
We tried to conceive for 4 years so really wanted to start a family, she was conceived via IUI so it's not like it was an unplanned pregnancy.

Gosh you have been through the mill. I do hope you are feeling physically better soon.

Please don't worry about not having the 'rush of love'. I did not feel that immediately for any of my three children, it takes a while for lots and lots of women. I felt this massive sense of responsibility but not overwhelming love, that came much later for me.

Please don't panic my lovely, you've been through hell, adapting to having a whole new way of life and everything that comes with that. I never had that rush of love with my dc straight after birth, it took a few weeks and things to settle and then all of a sudden I just looked at them and the floodgates opened and I felt it. I think with ds2 he was around 8 weeks before I felt it.

Hi OP, you have been through lots so be gentle on yourself.

I had a traumatic delivery and found breast feeding excruciatingly painful during the early weeks. I was also in a lot of pain with stitches that then became infected. I never experienced the much-promised rush of love. For me it all built up slowly (as my body healed).

Be kind to yourself. If you are worried talk to your health visitor.

Not everyone gets that rush of love. I thought with my first DS it was because I had a section, but second was a natural birth and I didn’t get it then either. I love them both so much now (most of the time). Try not to worry. And congratulations!

It’s entirely normal especially if you have had a c section.

Don’t panic, you’ve had an almighty shit time and you’re probably traumatised.

You’ll get there, you’ll get there in your own time.

One day you’ll be bathing her or feeding her or whatever and think holy crap I love you you little monster.

Oh I wouldn’t worry at all! Everyone has different experiences, but think of it this way - you’re just getting to know her!
I didn’t have that rush of love but the more I got to know her the more I loved her. I wouldn’t be able to tell you the exact moment I thought ‘yep, that’s it, I utterly love you’ I don’t think life works like that. Don’t put pressure on yourself, that’s where the problems creep in. You aren’t supposed to feel a certain way. No one is!
Also congratulations 🍾☺️

I never felt the rush of love either. In fact, I still never have. I had what I call a slow burner. It happened so gradually that I didn't even notice. My DS went from being a small baby I felt almost nothing for, to my absolute world. Honestly. I had to keep saying "I love him so much" to everyone to compensate and almost make myself believe it. I believe that I did love him, but I didnt feel it.
It's weird and horrible to feel disconnected. The beginning makes a huge difference too. I'm sorry youve had such a horrible time.
Every day with DS I fell in love a bit more until I sort of realised how much I loved him. I'd do anything for him. I can't even believe there was a time I didn't. I can't believe there was a time before him either. He feels so incredibly a part of me I don't understand how my life went before.
But I never had a 'rush'.
Please don't beat yourself up

Oh love You’ve had a rough time. I think loads of women don’t feel it.

I had an induction with DS at 37 weeks due to obstetric cholestasis (with 2 days notice so felt really rushed). It took 3 days, then forceps. And then he had bad jaundice so I couldn’t hold him much for the 5 days we were kept in. I was just exhausted, terrified, lonely, felt like a rabbit in the headlights, and tortured myself for so long about not feeling that mythical rush of love. I think it contributed massively to how low I felt for DS’s first year.

But I found that love grows. It really does. It gets stronger and stronger. He is now 21 months and I am sometimes moved to tears by the force of my love for him. It’s not about magic, it’s about time and getting to know each other and getting to know yourself as a mother. It will come for you in its own way. You have done so well under really tough circumstances.

I had a much less traumatic time of it than you have, but it still took a while. I can remember bringing DS home from the hospital, and thinking how odd it was that he seemed like a complete stranger to me, despite having carried him for 9 months. It did come, and I adore him now, smelly feet and pre teen strops and all. Give yourself time to recover, and don't put pressure on.

Totally normal not to feel a big rush, be kind to yourself and congratulations on becoming a mum!

l never felt a rush for either of mine, especially after a difficult time with DC1. Hope your recovery goes well from here on in too.

It sounds like a hellish experience. Having a newborn is bad enough, especially when you've got all that going on too. To coin a phrase that someone else used on here, I could have cheerfully left ds out for the foxes at that age. Don't worry about it, I think rushes of love is as mythical as a drowsy baby. There's so much bullshit peddled at new mother's. Just get well and the love will come

I would say you really don't need to worry. It was 6 weeks in when I realised I loved my daughter. You've had an awful time of it. Remember to look after yourself and things will all fall in to place soon.

Please don’t worry. I didn’t feel it with my first or second. It will come. Please please don’t worry. I’ve asked lots of friends about this and hardly any say they felt a rush of overwhelming love. It is a myth.

Also you’ve been through a trauma. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal

You’ve been through such a lot no wonder you’re longing for your previous life.

I have 12 week old twin girls, after 5 rounds of IVF they were born 6 weeks early & spent 3 weeks in SCBU. I felt exactly the same as you, I looked at them and didn’t feel that rush or love at all. I would say the only in the past couple of weeks have I started to feel that love for them. In fact it was their first vaccinations that I realised how much I loved them as I didn’t want them to be hurt or upset.

Be kind to yourself, the love will come! Also they’re much easier to love in a few weeks when they start to smile 😊

I didn't get my 'rush' until the end of the first week. I knew I loved him of course and nothing could prepare me for how much I'd worry over him- I didn't get any sleep the first night because I kept turning the light on my phone on to look at him every few minutes to check he was okay. I think the shock of the birth, the enormity of having a baby to look after and the intense exhaustion got in the way. My rush came one normal afternoon after I'd given him a bath and remember I looked down at him and it just hit me that he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life. I felt bad for not feeling that straight away but I guess that's the whole point of 'the rush'- we cant control it

It sounds like you've had such a tough start. It's so hard to feel cheer and love when you're sore and sleep deprived. It will come though xxx

Reading your experiences made me feel so relieved and quite teary. Thank you for sharing. I can't wait to feel the rush for her!

I have been feeling horrible for not feeling the rush and was started to think something was wrong with me.

I didn't either, and I found the first month or so horrendous. I look back fondly on it now, but I think my body was so poorly and my mind was so overwhelmed and traumatised by the birth that's its not really a surprise, but at the time I felt guilty and worried. Please be kind to yourself, everyone is different but for me 8 weeks was the turning point- I think even if someone explains what it is like to have a baby it's impossible to fully convey what it's like. I am now besotted, but it wasnt a rush like I expected.

Your experience sounds just like mine with my son, and the love will come- please don’t beat yourself up over this. You have been through a really traumatic event and then been thrown in at the deep end looking after a baby! Your little one will not remember any of this period of their lives, so get through one day at a time and you will be fine. Just go really really easy on yourself. If you’re anything like I was, you care a huge amount about your baby, but that magic ‘love’ moment hasn’t happened. Just don’t worry about that, to your baby you are the best possible mum and that’s what matters. FWIW I had the magic love moment with my daughter, who was born in completely different circumstances. There’s nothing wrong with you- it’s the trauma of the event. Good luck.

Glad you feel better!

I don't think I felt like I loved my DS1 until he was 3... Welcome to parenting where there's no one size fits all. You're doing great!

My first delivery was very traumatic physically for me, and then emotionally with a baby in neonatal, albeit for a short time. Then feeding didn’t work well. I was in so much pain and so tired and so lost. I definitely didn’t feel love and to be honest spent a good portion of the first few weeks feeling resentment to DC1. Once you get to about 6 weeks you start to get smiles and can begin to bond a bit easier. Just for now focus on being kind to yourself, it will probably come in time, and if it doesn’t then speak to your GP about some help and support

In fact, looking back, my baby was over 6 months before I got to evening and thought ‘oh that was actually a really nice day’ - until then there were only nice moments

Personally I think couples who have had a hard time conceiving feel such pressure after birth to be so grateful and in love with life and their babe, but the truth is, it's hard, it's relentless, and everyone gets the 'what the hell have I done?!' moment(s).

Jesus after ds2 I wished I could give him back, I felt I had ruined everything and I couldn't do it. But it passes and you will adjust and thrive and you are a wonderful mother, look after yourself and give yourself time to heal, mentally, physically and emotionally.