Not feeling the "love at the first sight" for baby

[Momhope15]

First time mom here and have had quite a difficult start. I wanted a natural birth however due to GD I was induced and ended up with an emergency c section.
I managed to get through the contractions only with tens and gas and air for most of the whole day until I asked for epidural as it was too much. Had 3 epidurals and all 3 failed (one side was numb but could feel half of my legs and contractions).
After c section I wasn't able to hold baby as i was very drowsy and being sick. I remember being very happy (of course) to hear her cry. But after that all is a blur.
Day 3 she had jaundiced so was readmitted back into hospital. Day 5 had some complications with c section wound with hematoma and wound opening up and blood oozing. Day 7 readmitted to hospital due to passing large clots stayed 2 nights. Doctors said to take the conservative approach of wait and see if it clears by itself. And now been again in hospital for the past 3 days as the c section wound is not getting better and had to have the incision cleaned and dressed.
I am also exclusively breastfeeding which I was very upset due to having to take 2 courses of antibiotics.
I am not sure if all this contributed to my lack of bonding with my daughter but I just don't feel the "love"'that everyone says and honestly I am quite worried!! The first 2 weeks were very tough, I was crying most days as I felt I couldn't take care of her, I was in pain, having to drag her to all
My hospital visits, had a tough time with breastfeeding...
Week 3 is much better she is sleeping and eating well. However I still don't feel "in love" with her and sometimes miss the "old"'times without a child.
We tried to conceive for 4 years so really wanted to start a family, she was conceived via IUI so it's not like it was an unplanned pregnancy.

@Momhope15 I can totally understand and sympathies.
I too was induced and was the worst pain imaginable. I had an epidural and was then quickly rushed to theatre for emergency forceps delivery. I was too relieved when baby finally cried (born not breathing)
They put him on me for skin to skin, but I couldn't hold him as one arm in a BP cuff and the other had a dodgy cannula in, and I had to hold arm straight othwise all alarms were ringing. I remember feeling really claustrophobic at having him led on my chest and I could see or hold him. I had a 4th degree tear (worst grading you can have) so was in theatre for ages being repaired. He like yours had jaundiced at three days so back in we go, also had a rash all over so had to be checked. Day 5 ended up back in delivery as I felt horrific...6 hours later allowed home, and all I could do was cry. I told my husband I wished we never had him and I regretted it...I cried and cried. When he was two weeks old I had a fever of 49c and got admitted with sepsis...he wasn't allowed with me as I didn't breastfeed, so we spent 6 days separated...

Anyway...after 4 weeks I finally started feeling a bond grow...by the end of that 4th week I was completely smitten and in love...that love grows daily and my heart hurts with love for him. Every little new thing he does I find I love him that little more.

I guess I'm trying to say, I think when the start is as rough as we've had it, it's natural to feel disconnected and not bonded...but the bond will come over time. Not everyone has that instant rush of love, and that doesn't mean we aren't normal...we're all different and I do believe such traumatic labours hinder that initial bond.
If you feel you have more than just the blues then speak to your GP as you may have a little PND xxx

You’ve had a terrible time of it. Poor you. With all three of my children I’ve fell “in love” with them at different times. With one it took several months but I absolutely assure you it came. I said “fake it til I make it” and one day I realised I’d made it.

When you have time and space again, review your birth with a midwife (at my hospital it’s called birth afterthoughts), it may help. But for now one day at a time, and I hope you feel better soon.

I didn't have a rush of love either, I felt more like an animal who had to keep her offspring alive but actual love took a long time! I remember telling pregnant friends not to expect a rush of love and one of them called me a couple of months after her birth and thanked me for telling her. I also had a difficult birth and PND... and you have really been through the mill.... take care of yourself and in time it will come!

It sounds like you had a really hard time and couldn't have been a very nice experience for you. You sounds like a brilliant mum though.

What you're describing sounds so normal to me, especially after what you've described in your OP. You've had a really stressful time and you were also waiting for a long time for your baby. It took me a long time to conceive as well and I had a difficult recovery (though nowhere as bad as yours) and it really affected my capacity to do anything more than go through the motions. I had very protective feelings for DS but that was just pure biology, the emotional connection took a bit of time. I think when you've been waiting so long especially you expect this magical thing because that's what you've been imagining in your mind for so long. Nothing can live up to that.

The real love for me comes over time, by the time he was 3 months old I was absolutely besotted. I honestly love the kid more and more each day, it's crazy and not what i pictured in my mind at all.

@TheBabyAteMyBrain
You are absolutely right. I never thought of that but it actually makes sense. We tried so hard to conceive and the process was really difficult. at some point I thought I would never become a mother and it really affected me mentally and emotionally. When baby was finally born and perhaps due to all the things that went wrong and also to be honest I was not prepared of what actually motherhood entailed in the first few days/weeks I really felt guilty for not feeling over the moon. I wondered if this was really what I wanted and if we had made a mistake.
Slowly I am getting the hang of being a mum!

I didn't feel instant love at all. My only thought was shit what have I done.
It comes slowly, not everyone feels love right away it's perfectly normal whether you've had a c-section or a natural birth.
I had the epidural birth I'd planned and wanted and the actual birth was pain free which went exactly to plan so don't beat yourself up about the birth - all that matters is that neither of you died.
My DS is nearly 40 now and I love him passionately and would never let him go.
It happened over about 6 months after the birth, I woke up one day and realised I loved him very much.
Not everyone is the same.
We all have different emotions.
It's perfectly normal not to love your child straight away. It will come.
Trust your instincts as a mother rather than what you think you ought to be feeling/doing.
Don't compare yourself to other people.

Not everyone gets the immediate thunderbolt of love.
I know I didn't, I liked DD but it was a bit like babysitting a nephew or niece for a while.
Don't worry it will come, for me it a bit like falling asleep, little by little then all at once.

Sounds totally normal OP! It's a different kind of love when they are teeny- kind of a protective love because they are so little and helpless and then as they grow up you love them for the characters they become. DD (1 yo) is going through a phase of running up to me with her lips pursed for a kiss and it makes my heart burst.

I worried a bit like you at the beginning but when I thought about what I would do without her, if she was suddenly taken away and the feelings of fear and sadness that produced, that's when I knew I did love her even without that initial rush.

It's different for every mother. Some get that rush of love at the first scan, for others it takes a long time. I didn't feel it for about the first six weeks or so after DD was born - I was very focused on the practical things and what I needed to do to recover myself and keep her alive! Don't beat yourself up. You need to recover too and learn what you're doing. You will build a bond as you do this. Congratulations!

Absolutely normal. I felt a little like you after my first. I had nothing to compare it to so I was worried that I had done something terribly wrong. Bad birth experience (which meant I wasn't able to hold DS1 as he was critically ill) I honestly felt nothing. I thought it was due to the birth, but actually, I felt the same way about DS2, who had a fairly straightforward birth. I didn't feel the need to hold him after he was born. I just did so because the midwife told me to. Just felt nothing really.
Everyone is different. There's no right way to become a mother. Not everyone gets 'rushes'.

I had a really straightforward pregnancy and birth with my eldest. When he was born, I felt nothing. Like he was a stranger (well... he was!). I knew I had to take care of him but it was purely animal instinct. The bond grew and grew but it definitely took a long time. He’s almost 5 now and I absolutely and utterly adore him.

When my 2nd was born, I did get the rush, but only because she looked exactly like her brother when he was born, so not a stranger. And I actually think that helped strengthen my bond with my eldest too. As he’d ‘given’ that to me (if that makes sense).

Give yourself a big, big break. Look after yourself too. It will come. X

Oh you poor thing, you've been through so much. Hang in there.

I didn't get the rush - also failed induction and EMCS but much less traumatic than yours, and a more straightforward recovery. DH did though, which seems spectacularly unfair. The love grew gradually for me, and continues to do so.

Honestly... having a newborn is a bit shit. I'm in complete awe of those who love that phase, but it is absolutely not for me. It's so relentlessly hard, and they don't even smile back at you. It does get easier, I promise. DD1 is one now and she's great, she is her own little person and it's amazing to watch her develop and learn new things also amazing is being back at work and getting a break.

Always worth checking in with your midwife or HV about your mental health when struggling. But it's completely normal to find this stage tough.

You're exhausted and poorly, it's hard to think about anything when you're laid low like this so don't worry. You've had precious little time to spend with your baby and it takes a while to get to know someone! Get better soon - you're doing just fine!

It has been quite frustrating. I have been in hospital since Friday as the doctor wanted to check my wound and change dressings everyday.
I have been seen by the tissue viability nurse and she is happy with the wound however doctor needs to speak to GP to get district nurse to change the dressing everyday.
In the meantime baby has been awake for 4 hours during the day and vomits everything she Eats. I hope it is nothing serious.
It is a constant worry when you have a little one.

How are you doing OP? Yes it's absolutely horrible when they can't keep it down x Sending a hug and a

@MargotsFlounceyBlouse
I was finally discharged from the hospital yesterday. However have to go to GP everyday to have the dressings changed.
I left baby at home today for the first dressing change with mum hoping that she wouldn't wake up. I managed to pump only 50ml and knew it would not be enough for a feed. Luckily I managed to come back before she woke up.

As for my feelings for her, after reading all the comments, I am being more patient and, easy on myself and allowing for it to come naturally.

I am just so happy to be back at home and I think baby is happy too. She slept very well last night and today has been a very good day too.

Big hug x pumping isn't easy! You're doing great xxx

My goodness you are doing so well!! Just getting through each day is a real achievement for you with all these health problems.

Please be kind to yourself, you’ve had such a traumatic time. I never felt that hormonal rush of love for any of my children, I’d have willingly swapped any of them for a decent nights sleep. They are all teens now and I seem to be doing ok as a mother.

Some people fall in love suddenly and others take their time. We are all different and that’s totally normal. It will come over the weeks and months ahead I promise.

I had a similar labour ending in c section & a long hospital stay, plus my baby was in neonatal. I didn’t feel the rush of love because I hardly saw him before they rushed him away to nicu. I cried constantly. When he was with me I felt I’d been robbed this beautiful moment. I still kind of feel that. But my point is we’re now at 5 weeks and something just clicked around week 3 that I love him so much. Before that I was struggling a lot. Keep going ❤️

I was very surprised at what the 'love' felt like. To me it was more an instinct than a feeling.

I knew I loved her. I knew I would do anything for her but it wasn't quite this rush of love that everyone talks about. Over time it feels more real if that makes sense. She is six months now and has she has grown so have my feelings in a different way. It's strange but it's certainly not a rush and some kind of strange feeling you have never felt before, not for me anyway.

Not had time to read the thread but here's my input.

Child 1 - instant love. Exactly as per you expect and see from others having babies.

Child 2 (only a year later) - Horrendous birth (nearly died) Was in severe pain for 4-5 days after birth and in a bad way for about 6-7 weeks. Didn't bond at all with newborn. Literally could have been looking at a box of washing powder. Felt resentful, angry, upset - all sorts of emotions that I just hadn't 'clicked with him at all. As soon as I started to feel better, I then spent the next year or so apologising to him every day ('I'm sorry I left you etc, relating to how I'd let the nurses take him away as a day old newborn because I couldn't cope) .

He's now 5 and the absolute love of my life.

Give yourself time. You've been through something really traumatic. If it were an operation you had had, you would have had one to one care and tonnes of rest. But no. You had a baby. You're expected to just get on with it! jIt will come.

I’m autistic and certainly didn’t feel any rush of emotion after my DDs were born! DD1 just caused a horrified sense of responsibility for trying to keep this fragile stranger alive, and DD2 very nearly died at birth and was in ITU for a week. For the first 12 hours it was thought that she would die, so I deliberately tried not to bond.
I never felt any sudden burst of emotion with either of them, more a gradual getting to know them, which deepened as their personalities developed, until I found them enchanting and funny and very lovable. They’re pushing 30 now, and I adore them both.
OP, don’t beat yourself up for not being overwhelmed with mush about your baby. The more you pressure yourself or feel guilty, the more you will resent things and make it harder to feel any positive emotion. Just relax, take time to heal from the birth, and let your relationship with the baby develop in its own time. We can’t (and shouldn’t try to) force ourselves to feel what others dictate is appropriate. I’d lay serious money that in a few months you and baby will be delighted with each other!

I really appreciate everyone's honesty.

I have two sisters and a brother who all have two children each. They all mentioned this rush of love prior to me giving birth and in all honesty was ashamed to tell them that I didn't feel such thing (yet) and perhaps feared that they thought I was not "normal".

So reading so many mums who feel like me and that this is completely normal, is really helping me cope better with everything.

Hoping for brighter days for you...