post natal depression after ivf- please don't judge

[jojobean84]

Hi all

This is my first post...
I feel really lost and depressed.

I have a daughter who was concieved naturally in 2012. She is 6 now.
When she was 2.5 we decided to start trying for another.
Nothing happened and after 2 years approx I had a lap and dye to check for blockage and then 6 months clomid.
In Jan 2018 (nearly 3 years of trying) we did a cycle of ivf. It failed due to failed fertilisation. I was devastated. We were told to try icsi and in June 2018 I fell pregnant. I was so happy, I couldn't believe it. On 25th July we had a 7 week scan. It revealed we we're having identical twins. We had a single embryo transfer but it split. At the time I was just so happy to be pregnant.
But as the pregnancy developed I felt so low as I didn't want to have twins. I felt cheated as I was not told this could happen with icsi.

I thought the feelings would go and I'd be happy when they came. But it's now 3 months in and I hate being a twin mum.
I hate the comments- oooh double trouble, you must have your hands full, better you than me... And so on.

I know I should be grateful after my 3 year journey, but I'm deeply depressed. Why couldn't I just be normal. Have one baby. How can I provide for two at the same time.

My daughter loves them, but can see she is at times left to play while we deal with the twins.

I'm sorry to all who are angry at my post.
I have no one to turn to.
I have such dark thoughts.
I know I'm an awful mum

Thanks for allowing me to release.
Also I dwell a lot... How I would be feeling if I had just got pregnant naturally and also if my ivf had just worked first time.

What do I do??? Please help me

Go and see your GP and talk to them. Tell them exactly how you are feeling , don’t sugar coat it in any way. Millions of women are feeling the same as you right now. You are not alone. You are not an awful mum.
Don’t put such pressure on yourself to think you should not feel like this, you should be grateful due to the struggle you had conceiving .
Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel ?

Echoing Justtheone’s post. You don’t need to be eternally grateful for your pregnancy just because you had IVF, that’s way too much pressure. Please go and see your GP.
Infertility and IVF can be really traumatic, parenting twins and another child must be knackering, you’re dealing with a lot. Have you spoken to your DP or any other friends or family about how you feel?

I would dmsay you are probably more likely to suffer PND after such a traumatic time trying to get pregnant. I would try to seek help, you deserve it and you can't pour from an empty cup

Give Tamba a ring , they have a free helpline.

PND is very common in ivf mums. Probably because we feel extra pressure to be grateful (plus we've had extra doses of stress and hormones along the way). Don't beat yourself up - you've been through a lot.

Talk to your GP x

Thank you all... Told my doc at my 8 week check.
Still waiting for my referal.

Just want to feel normal again.
Ivf is a blessing and a curse for lots of different reasons.
I feel like they could see it was going to split and put embryo in anyway. They should have prepped me, allowing us to decide.

Then I feel awful for feeling that way.
It's almost like I wish one of them didn't exist.
Aaaaahhh my brain!

My husband knows how I feel.
But I've told him I don't want him to end up having me, so don't tell him all my dark thoughts.

I watched the Louis Theroux documentary and could really relate.

Hating... Not having

Sorry you’re going through this.

Fertility troubles increase the risk of PN MH issues.

Go back to your GP and ask for more support and resources. What you're feeling is not uncommon at all and it will pass with time and help.

Have you looked for twin mum groups in your area. It's a very sort of specialist subject that I think you'd benefit from talking to people who also have to deal with two babies.

You are the perfect mum for your three kids.

OP, I know someone who went through the same scenario, they tried for years, had IVF then had twins. The wife couldn't cope with it and had PND. Like you, whilst she desperately wanted a child, she didn't want twins...... she got help from her doctor and had counselling and other help via the NHS.

As PP have said, talk to your HV and your GP and get some help. There is no shame in seeking help and support. Things will also get easier as they get older.

Look for baby groups in your area. Do you have a Children's Centre nearby? A lot of funding has been cut, but there are still some around offering baby classes and other help. They might be able to provide a Home Help to come to your house and help you.

Do you have family nearby who could help? If you could leave them with somebody for an hour or two, you and your DH could take DD out on her own and go swimming or something.

Hey OP. Wishing you well.
www.tamba.org.uk/useful-links This page has links for PN support groups, joining a group to talk to others who know what you’re dealing with. It could be something to think about for after you’ve had a chat with your GP?

OP - post natal depression is v v common after IVF.
Keep pushing for help and support.

Hi just thought I'd say it's ok to feel like this.. my story is sort of similar, we have a boy at 13 conceived naturally and one 4 year old who was an icsi baby. I never had post natal depression with my first just with my2nd. it was awful I hated everyone, I loved him but I didn't like him. He was such a wanted baby and then I had him, my marriage broke down and everything went to shit! I don't know if there's any science to this but I had two rounds of ivf and I felt like a raving loon! So I think the whole process just messes u up completely. Don't worry too much you will be all good u just need to go get some help and let others around you in so you can share the load both mentally and physically. Things will be fine, it took a while but I got over it. I could barely look at my son when he was a baby I felt like he had ruined my life.. I don't feel like that now...There's nothing wrong with saying how u feel ..it's a chemical imbalance, don't be worried about judgment, talk about it with people you love. It helps!
Hope u feel better soon xx

Thank you again.

I need to work through this as I don't want to destroy my marriage or family.

I love my children but my mind feels broken

Let us know how you get on, it's a horrible place to be but trust me, even tho u probly don't see it right now.. there's an end to that feeling, it's not a quick fix but it will improve and ul be like me in a couple of years wondering what happened and how you ended up feeling that way. Xx

You are not a bad mum OP. A bad mum wouldn't be reaching out for help

I had ICSI, cells can split as late as nine days after fertilisation. I had mine put back in after five. So yours could have split much later after they had been put back in.

After I had dd I felt like an alien for about six months. I felt really guilty because I couldn’t breast feed properly and I wasn’t enjoying this baby I’d jumped through hoops for.

You’ve had twins and I bet your shattered!! Your body is losing huge amounts of hormones too.

I’ve never enjoyed the first six months with all my three. In fact I never enjoyed pregnancy either!

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Your body has been through something massively traumatic and your brain need time to adjust.

I know... Ultimately I was on hormones for the ivf
Spent 12 weeks on progesterone
Then pregnant with twins for 8.5 months
Labour was induced with hormones
Then stopped...

I was put on citralopram but messed me up so stopped after 4 days.

Just need to think positively... I'm normally a positive person.

This time last year I was so depressed due to failed ivf. I can't win.

I just wish more people were open about PND
Media and Instagram portray an image which is somewhat skewed

Hey. Lots of women have felt like you, or similar, or worse. Please go back to your gp and tell them the truth about the thoughts you’re having. You can get through this but it sounds like you need help. That’s ok. I needed help too and I can honestly say I’m better now. When I talk about that time it makes me cry because I remember how I felt and it was awful. But I’m better and you can get better too, I promise. Please go back to the gp and tell them how desperate you feel - ask if you can be referred to the perinatal psychiatric service.

4 days of citalopram is not enough to feel the benefits. There are other drugs you can try instead. Please go back.

Hey! I also had twins through IVF after a "normal" first pregnancy. It was tough. Really tough. I had a lot of resentment as I had been told by the clinic to put back three embryos and I only wanted one. We eventually compromised on two which they said was very unlikely to lead to twins - wrong! I felt (and still do) that they ignored my concerns to get their stats up. I found it very hard and felt that I had ruined my ds's life as I couldn't give him much attention while looking after two babies. I felt very down as when you have IVF everyone tells you how lucky you are (and yes I know I was lucky - two healthy babies!) but it is hard to come to terms with when you had imagined a completely different reality. I also felt incredibly resentful of my husband - the only reason we had IVF was due to male factor, I had to bear the brunt of a difficult pregnancy and had my life turned upside down and he carried on going to work and getting congratulated on his kids!

Take care of yourself, get help where you can and don't be ashamed of not feeling 100% ecstatic about the situation - it will get easier.

@ces6 how old are your twins?
Are you feeling better now?
Im getting fed up of the "attention"
Oh wow... Twins congratulations... Double trouble..I wish I had twins.

I wanted one sibling for my daughter. I wanted to be normal.
But I'm now 'out numbered' as I've been told!

The embryo split which I know was caused by the icsi. I feel they should have seen.
We have two more embryos on ice.

I'd be scared that they would split to.
I sound awful... I'm talking about Human life. It's so hard.
My husband doesn't get it.. he says we should be happy. It worked and we have healthy children.

I'm just fed up of being the freak with the twins
Ugly double buggy
Can't take daughter swimming or to church or anywhere for fear of the dual crying.

It's so hard...

Mine are at school now and people who don't know us don't even realise they are twins (realise that this is different for identicals - they get even more attention!) It got worse before it got better (sorry!) I found it especially hard when they were toddlers and just used to run off. They would run out of the park, try and get off the bus, run out of story time at the library...you get the picture. Don't be afraid of asking people to help you out / catch them!

To answer your question though, I definitely found it easier after the first year as I managed to get more sleep (sleep deprivation is awful for mental health) and also, more importantly, I accepted the situation . Not easy I know but I spent a lot of that first year imagining alternative scenarios in which I had made different choices... I didn't feel I could talk about that with anyone. I still feel it's really taboo but I understand.