Don't feel like myself anymore

[nimfly]

I'm not sure what is wrong with me but my emotions have been all over the place recently. DS is almost 7 months and I love him to pieces, I can't take my eyes off him and I didn't know I could feel so much love for such a tiny person. I feel like a horrible mum though.

Sometimes I really lose my temper with him and have ended up shouting at him to shut up or else I'll make a really loud sound to startle him so he'll stop whining/crying at me. I sometimes struggle with bedtime too, if he is having a night where he doesn't want to sleep or is having difficulty going to sleep I get really angry. Tonight he just wanted to play and bedtime took over an hour longer than usual. I got really angry with him and wished I could tell him to fuck off, I started rocking him really roughly and at one point I threw him down on the bed. At one point when he was whining and trying to fight sleep I wished I could pinch him because I was so angry. I didn't, but I feel absolutely awful and couldn't stop crying afterwards. I'm lying beside him crying now, I don't know why I've become a horrible mum. I love him so much I'd die if anything happened to him and I hate that I lose my temper and could end up hurting him.

I feel very emotional in other aspects too. I have a really short fuse with everyone lately, especially DH and I keep overreacting massively and snapping to situations that aren't even important. I just feel really overwhelmed just now and my emotions feel a bit much sometimes. I hate the way I look and I can stop eating which is making me put on more weight, making me even more ugly and then making me upset and it continues. I just feel like everything is really difficult just now and I don't know what to do

I think you must be sleep deprived which doesn’t help. It sounds like you are juggling a lot of looking after your son by yourself with little help or support off your partner. It does sound like you could have postnatal depression. I think you should tell your gp or health visitor how u feel, dont go into detail of events just yet just tell them u feel really down and sometimes angry and you can feel yourself getting worse and it’s bringinf the worst out in you.

On a separate note please try to relax with your son the poor mite is just a baby and he’s doing what baby’s do- please do not get angry with him or make him not feel loved. I know you are doing your best but you need to get help to help him ultimately

Oh OP, you aren’t a bad mother- you sound exhausted and under pressure and I was there same with my first child. Please speak to your GP as you seem
To be exhibiting signs of post natal depression.

I'm not sure what it is because my husband actually helps so much. DS is formula fed so we take turns with all feeds. I am so lucky because he stopped waking in the night when he was 3 months so we get a full night sleep now and he's been such an easy baby with no colic or anything. I have no idea where this anger has came from and it only crops up some days as other days I feel ok

I'm on maternity leave so ultimately do most of the looking after DS but when my husband is off it's split 50/50 and he does most of the housework/cooking. I feel so awful because I know I have a really good situation with everything but I can't keep on top of how I feel anymore and it's really becoming too much

@Mommybearx @daughterofanarchy
I'm worried about speaking to my GP or HV in case they think I'm a bad mum. I know my son is only a baby and I feel so horrible and guilty when I lose my temper or shout at him because I hate myself for it as he doesn't know any other way to speak to me. I love him so much I can't even express it he just means everything to me and I can't bear the way I've been feeling

OP is this your first child? I only ask because Sometimes even with an “easy” baby - it’s a shock to the system. The loss of your free time/work life and the responsibility of raising another life - it can just feel very overwhelming. I really really struggled with my first baby. I would sometimes lose my Rag and put her down a bit too hard on the cot and I felt like a total Monster. I couldn’t see how sick I was with depression. Please talk to someone - you don’t have to give great detail
If you don’t want to but make sure you tell them How down you feel and you want to resolve this. Your GP may suggest therapy or anti depressants.
When I eventually sought help two years had passed and I’d lost all that time with my daughter. Please seek help so you can enjoy your baby and regain your health

Also, when you feel the anger rising have you tried setting baby down in his cot/ a safe place and walking out of the room. Even if baby cries a bit just leave the room for five minutes just to gather your thoughts at least and hopefully you will be able
To refocus your thoughts before the anger takes hold.
I should add I’m Currently going through Pnd for a second time (not as severe as the first time at all) and so you have my sympathies as I understand your situation.

@daughterofanarchy yes first baby. I just feel so disappointed in myself as I've been on antidepressants before and was determined to get better and come off them before DS arrived. I will maybe call and see if I can chat to my HV in the morning if she isn't too busy, I would never ever harm DS but I feel like I have to tell someone and I'm too scared to tell DH in case he hates me

@daughterofanarchy I will try that, I've been trying to take deep breaths and count it out but it doesn't seem to be working anymore and definitely didn't tonight. I've never felt anger like this before, I've never had a bad temper so it's scary that it's just came out of nowhere. Thank you, I'm sorry you're having a hard time as well

I just want to hug you, I really feel for you. You’ve done a brave and wonderful thing to be honest and put your feelings on here. I’ve received great support here and although it won’t solve everything in a flash try and see this as you making a fresh start- reaching out for help. Can you leave baby with grandparents / relatives for a night here and there? Just to get a little break?
Also I noticed you mentioned you aren’t happy with your eating habits. I’m currently in that boat as well, eating crap because I don’t have time to make myself a proper meal. I have no solution to that I’m afraid. I wish I did.

@daughterofanarchy thank you, I really have been feeling like such a horrible person and I name changed before posting I just look back at myself when I'm in those angry/emotional moments and don't know who I am anymore, it's horrible. My parents are wonderful and help out where they can but I still feel a bit strange about leaving DS anywhere for too long, I feel like I need him near me at all times. I just feel so unhappy with myself after being pregnant and when I'm unhappy I just want to eat and it's an awful cycle isn't it? Just feels like a difficult time just now and it's hard to see how to change it

You will get past this. I know doesn’t seem like it right now but one day you will look back and think “did that really happen?”. It does change you though, I often think about those dark days. Like you, I was never an angry person before my baby arrived. A lot has to be said for the physical and emotional changes we experience during pregnancy- I think sometimes those changes are permanent and can affect our emotions in ways we are not used to.
Let us know how you get on, post further threads if you need to and keep talking. Don’t be afraid to go back on anti depressants there is no shame in it. They are a tool you can use to your advantage.
I hope you manage a bit of sleep tonight. Take care. I will try to check in tomorrow see how you are.

Sending you lots of hugs OP .

I have tried a few things which have helped get my 8 month old son to sleep:

• Making sure he gets some tummy/play time with toys just after his dinner.
• Bath time in the evenings.
• We recently bought him a baby walker and that does make him burn quite a bit of energy before bedtime.
• Playing Wonderful Lullabies on Youtube at bedtime.
• Putting some toys in the cotbed to pay with until he gets bored and falls asleep.

Stay strong, hope that helps.

Hi OP, this sounds really tough. You’re not a horrible mum, and please try to be kinder in how you talk to yourself- you’re not horrible, your DH won’t hate you for struggling, you have no need to be disappointed in yourself.

MH problems are like physical healthy problems in many ways- there’s an imbalance and we use medicine to fix it. So please please don’t feel ashamed about taking antidepressants. But it’s important you get help. My DS is 6.5mo, and I empathise- it’s so hard to manage the conflicting emotions.

Out of interest, you don’t have to answer this obviously, could this be linked to hormones/hormonal contraception?

@daughterofanarchy thank you, it's nice to know that someone kind of understands because I've been feeling so horrible and alone with it. I'm not sure I feel ready to speak to my HV or doctor, I will try and have a chat with my husband at some point today and hopefully he can help me figure out what to do. Thank you for all your replies, I really appreciate it

@ViserionTheDragon thank you for the tips. He usually falls asleep really quickly and easily for us but I will definitely keep a note of those for the nights that I don't feel like I'm coping well

@Goostacean thank you for your kind words. i'm going to try and speak to my husband about it, he's always been so supportive and kind about everything in the past so I'm hoping this can be the same. It could be linked to hormones, I've been on the implant which caused me some crappy physical effects. My doctor put me on the pill as well to try sort those but I did mention I'd been very emotional and wasn't sure if it could be linked to the implant and was told they couldn't do anything about that if it was (she wasn't keen on removing the implant before 6 months) so not sure if she was just fobbing me off

How you doing today OP?

I got my implant out after 3 months because it killed my libido (relatively trivial reason!)- and that actually ties in to your comments about low self esteem after the baby. Don’t let them fob you off, if you want it out. It’s your body. It’s possible the hormones are making you more volatile emotionally.

On the self-esteem: I ended up having quite a tough talk with my DH about a month ago, when he basically told me I’m still gorgeous but it’s unattractive when I go on about being wobbly/feeling fat etc. It was hard to hear, but actually since then I’ve made a big effort to be body-positive when I look at myself and in my internal dialogue, and it has helped. It’s a big effort, mind you!

However I do think you need to speak to your husband and probably a professional, about your feelings and behaviour towards your son. Just to get help to get out of the cycle. How’re you feeling today?

@daughterofanarchy feeling ok. Husband is working from home this morning so he's took DS for an hour to let me have a nice bath before getting ready. Still want to talk to him but will probably wait until tonight and unsure how to start the conversation

@Goostacean I thought it could be from the implant but wasn't sure. I broke down to DH last week as I felt he couldn't bear to look at me and I would get embarrassed to even kiss him because I genuinely felt it was repulsive for him. He told me exactly how he felt about me and has been making more of an effort to spend alone time with me (mini date nights once DS is in bed). I'm trying to look after myself more, wearing makeup and my favourite clothes to try and feel prettier but it's just hard because ultimately I feel different inside and obviously my body is a bit different now and I'm really struggling with it. Feeling ok today husband is at home this morning/afternoon, had a good morning with my son with lots of giggles but it's usually when I'm alone with him that it gets difficult to cope. Not always! But on the days where he's fighting naps and crying a lot I really struggle with my temper. Nervous to chat to my husband but I know I probably need to speak to someone and he seems the less scary option right now

I had just the same sorts of feelings, OP. My DD, first baby, is 8 months now and I've been seeing a therapist and practice nurse and social worker for 6 months. I was scared of feeling judged too but it's turned out fine.

Your whole life changed when your baby came along, a whole new set of priorities and responsibilities, and you're still adjusting to that. Being on mat leave doesn't help, in a way. Of course it's good to not have to juggle baby AND job, but work is one of the things that establishes you as an independent adult, and when you can't do that, there's even less of your old life around than there was before. It's totally normal and healthy to find that transition from old life to new life REALLY hard. I started back to work part time at 4 months because being home all day was driving me mad and miserable.

Try this thought on: you used to be someone without a baby, who didn't have to care for this tiny human or arrange for someone else to care for them--and now you're someone else, someone with a baby. But you haven't had space yet to grieve for your old life. Grieving for your old life doesn't mean you want to go back to it, necessarily, but you can acknowledge that you've lost something. Bottled-up grief often comes out as anger/depression. Can you let yourself explore those feelings?

Re feeling scared and like you're not a good mum--the fact that you're troubled by the feelings you're having is evidence that you're a good mum. Some health care professionals are arseholes, it's true, but lots aren't. Most of them will want to help you with this. I was super embarrassed to admit to needing a social worker, etc, but I'm really glad I did because they're really helping.

@JoanFrenulum I'm sorry you've had the same feelings, it's horrible. I'm glad you have managed to get support, I just feel so scared to ask.

That's true, I do sometimes think 'it's never just going to be me and DH ever again' and it does leave me feeling a bit overwhelmed. I wouldn't change it for the world though DS has brought so much into my life and made me happier than I've ever been and that's why I really struggle when I hit those lows.

I'm terrified to return to work, I'm really dreading it. I have 2 months left of maternity leave and I've started having nightmares about going back to work and have been up for hours at night dreading it. I just feel like a different person now and I can't bear the thought of leaving DS it makes me feel so guilty. All round, it just feels like everything is going wrong just now and I don't know how to stop it. I think you have a point about the grief though, I would never want to go back to a time without DS but it was a total shock when I found out I was pregnant and I'm still young (22). I had a traumatic birth as well and I just feel like it's all went so fast I don't know how to keep on top of it all.

Sometimes I feel like I can be a good mum, I love spending time with DS and we have so much fun on our days together when DH is at work. We cuddle up and read books, sing and play and go for walks and I feel like I'm doing okay. Then some days its the opposite and if DS is unsettled for a long time (tired, teething, bored, ill) I feel like I can't manage to help him well enough and the more upset he gets the more frustrated I've been getting. This all started when he was around 4 months, I had to ask DH to start sharing bedtime with me as I was getting too angry if it took too long (didn't tell that though). I feel so horrible thinking about it. If I didn't have those bad days/moments then I feel like I'd be doing an ok job but those moments really tear me apart and leave me feeling so guilty and evil, that I don't deserve DS's beautiful face and smiles and personality because I can't be what he needs all the time

Not trying to drip feed or anything I just have never spoke about this before and I feel like I need to just get everything out before I explode, I feel so overwhelmed