I cant cope and i just want to leave

[sophie2210]

Every single day is the same. I get up i feed my daughter change her nappy play with her, then go on to the cleaning, get her down for a nap, finish the cleaning, she wakes up i feed her lunch change her, then play with her then clean up the mess shes made then its timefor her snack i give her her snack and a bottle then put her for a nap again and then i get started on tea for my husband and crack on with the washing, then she wakes up i give her tea (eat mine if im lucky) get her to bed wich is a HUGE struggle and by the time she goes to bed im shattered and always fall asleep on the sofa because imso exhauseted from the day and lack of nutrition. I never have time to rehydrate and eat. Im lucky if i have 1 cup of tea a day and one meal.
I have lost so much weight, i only weigh 47KG and i look horrible and ill.
My mental health has been real bad since having DD. I have tried speaking to midwifes, health visitor, GP, my husband and my mother and no one seems to care.
No one ever offers to give me a hand or nothing and when i ask, it seems like im a nuisance and its really getting me down. I literally feel like i have no one when i have plenty of people around me and DD company all day. But its not enough. I am fed up of trying my absolute best and do everything for everyone, but no one seems to care how i feel. Ive cometothe point i am so depressed and stressed out with everything i just dont want to be here anymore but when i look at DD all the pain just disappears, until i realise againhow worthless i am.
I can not deal with this anymore. The voices in my head are KILLING me slowly and i dont know how much more i can deal with it i really dont.
I have everything i have ever wanted, a house, a beautiful daughter, my husband a car a job (currently on mat leave) but i cant seem to be happy.. ever!!
I just want to get out of this dark hole and have a normal happy family (i know im the problem) but i really cant find no way of this dark hole and how im feeling. I just want support, i dont want any tablets that they give me, all i want is some help

Hi, it sounds as though this is such a tough time for you.

Do you think it could be PND? Did you have mental health problems beforehand or have you just felt like this since you had your baby?

If you've only felt like this since your baby was born, then I think you should tell your GP that you think you have PND and you need an urgent appointment. I did this and had anti-depressants that worked really well (took a week or so to work properly, though, in my case.)

Please, please don't turn down tablets just for the sake of it. I was in a terrible state and found them such a help. They made me feel normal again and able to deal with things rationally.

What does your husband say? And your mum? They should be right behind you. Do they think you're just moaning, rather than telling them how you're feeling? Could you ask your health visitor for an urgent visit? Mine was brilliant when I did this.

I'm so sorry you're in such a state. You must be exhausted.

You need to ring someone, book an appointment with the gp and be absolutely totally honest with them, if you really don’t want tablets maybe see if they can refer you onto a cpn who can do cbt. Do you have friends, I found that distracting myself beneficial X

Whereabouts are you? I'm sure there will be women on here who live near you.

My doctor said that if I came to him with a physical pain, I'd accept medication. There was no logical reason why I should refuse medication for mental health problems.

Babies are groundhog day indeed
When can you go back to work?
What childcare will you arrange can you and dh look.into it and start already part time ?
Please do call Samaritans and tell gp again...they can help. Maybe even pills short term. Take care. Baby will grow and it will get better.
Can ypur dh prepare nice meal.whn he gets home and make sure you eat?

I feel your pain. With a baby it really is Groundhog Day as a previous poster said. It’s relentless.
I second what everyone else says - see your doctor. Is there anyone who can give you a break? Can you get out to meet other mums in the same boat?

How old is your baby? I have found scheduling times for cleaning and washing helps so I don’t feel like I’m doing it every day. If the house is a bit of a mess so what?
Can you prepare sandwiches the night before so you can eat? Would your DH or mum help? It’s so important you eat well. Leave bottles of water around the house and make sure you drink regularly.

Been to see my GP, but id rather therapy than tablets. I never take anything tablet wise as i really stuggle with swallowing them i have to end up chewing them and its not nice.
Im back in work next week and i am dreading it even more. As we can not afford child care, and my family dont seem to want to help at all, i will be working 2 -3 night shifts a week and i will be taking care of my daughter all day after them.
DH dams me if tea isnt ready for him by the time he gets home as he works all day and apparently i do nothing but now im starting to believe him. Im in a constant cycle every day is the same and i literally can not cope much longer i really cant. I am only 20 years old and i feel like i have no life at all. Expect my dauly routine. I have no friends, they all stopped bothering with me since i got pregnant.

DD is nearly 9 months old x

You really need to consider finding some kind of childcare or not going back to work as you really can't do night shifts and then look after her all day- soon she'll be getting more active and you'll be on the go all day and you'll be exhausted. Have you seen if you're entitled to tax credits when you return to work to help with childcare?

Could you arrange the nights to be on a Friday and Saturday if your partner works in the week so he look after her (and cook your tea) while you sleep?

You can’t carry on like this

Sit down with your partner and let him read your original post on this thread.

You need medical help

I strongly suggest you consider antidepressants- you need to get yourself balanced out so you can see the woods for the trees. You have an illness and it needs treatment. Therapy is great but it sounds like you need more than that and something more immediate.

With regards to swallowing tablets - you swallow food right? A tablet is tiny compared to the lumps of food you swallow every day. Honestly. Imagine when you chew a mouthful of toast? It’s a ball of mushed bread - you swallow that and it goes down no problem. A tablet is far smaller than that.

I hope you can get the support you need xxxx

Definitely look into what help you are entitled to (entitled to is the name of the site I believe)
Don't do nights and look after baby during the day, it will make you feel worse! Look into childminders in you area to get a rough estimate on how much they cost so you can work out what you'd be entitled to. Either that or you dh has to find a better paying job so you can stay home!
Do you go to mummy and baby groups? There is a tinder like app that is made for mums that want to make friends so maybe look into that as well.

You can't do night shifts and care for a baby the next day. You will break.

What sticks out about your post is you are not leaving the house or seeing any adults. With a 9mo you should not be in a position where you aren't eating. What stops you eating when she naps? Or just leaving her on the floor/in her cot for 15 minutes while you make and eat a sandwich, even if she cries? What would happen if you didn't clean every day?

Can you get your DH to read this thread? My DH works 40 hours a week but does all the food planning, online ordering and cooking. Partly because I’m a hopeless cook but also because he recognises how hard it is to keep on top of children on broken sleep. He’s prepped dinner for me tonight when he’s out watching the footie.
Does your DH do any solo childcare? Do you get out at the weekend? Consider leaving baby with him for a few hours and see how he gets on. It’s so much more demanding than a lot of people realise.
You cannot work night shifts and then care for a child. That would send anyone’s mental health over the edge.

We really can not afford the child care, and we cant afford for me not to work so i have to do it.
I am entilted to £30 a month tax credits because of previous year earnings.. but that was when i was working 48 hours a week.. and im going back on hald the hours.
My partner works 6 days a week and then doesnt do anything on sundays as hes too tired from working all week.
Ive sat down with my partner manh times to tell him how i feel, but he just doesnt understand and always tells me to just ‘cheer up’ but as hard as i try i can not cheer up!
I feel so embaressed of how everything is to talk to other mums in my community. I clean and sort the house when she naps catch up wth washing, dishes etc.
I can not leave her in the cot as she will climb out of it, and on the floor she crawls and stands everywhere, i dread to leave her incase she hurts, she is really really advanced for her age.
What happens when i dont clean everyday is that ONE day id always choose not to clean MIL would come over and start complaning about all the mess! Thats why! That ONE day id choose to have a break would come back and bite me in the ass. My daughter is clingy, hates strangers, cant play on her own and absolutely adores me and only me.
My DH has only looked after her once and that was on my hen night, and even then i had phone call to come home because she was crying for her mummy. first time i have been out and last time.
working nights is something that i just have to do.

She shouldn’t be able to climb out of her cot. Where does she sleep if she can climb out? That really isn’t safe. Do you have a travel cot. I used one as a play pen so I could crack on with getting things done and eating.
It all sounds really tough for you. Your partner and MIL need to be more understanding and share the load with you a bit more.

If you're already struggling to cope you genuinely can't work 2-3 nights per week with no sleep. It won't work. You'll end up really mentally unwell.

You need to look at all your in and outgoings and figure something out. If you're husband can't support you with this then you'll be better off by yourself. I imagine you'll be financially better off and you won't have the pressure of keeping a perfect home.

her cot is right next to my bed. a travel cot is somethig i have no room for as the house is too small.
there is no way i can not work, husband only earns 18k a year and our rent is £600 alone

Aw love, this is just awful.

This should be a happy time for you. You should be in a space where you are enjoying your baby. You are not enjoying this. This means that something is wrong.

By the sounds of it, you have post natal depression. You need help. Apart from anything else, it is affecting your relationship with your baby. The sleep struggles, the clingyness, all the stuff you describe are, when they appear together, symptoms of a little person who is worried about the emotional flatness of her mummy. She senses your desperate need to pull away, and she doesn't understand it. So she's trying to cling tighter, which is making you feel more like pulling away, and it's going round and round in a cycle making everything get worse.

So you need to call your health visitor. Now. Just ring up, and leave a message. "I have post natal depression. I've tried to soldier on, but I can't cope, and I want to leave. I need help, please contact me".

There is a clear "clinical pathway" for treating PND, which works very well. Yes, this includes tablets. The point of the tablets is to chemically lift the depressive fog, so that you are able to access the rest of the treatment. You will need therapy, and other forms of support, but you will find those things very difficult to access if you are still lost in this fog. The tablets will not make you "better", they are a tool to let you get to the other treatment. Think of it like having to use a walking stick for a while - it's there to support you while you access physio.

There are plenty of things you've talked about here that need to be addressed, but the most important, overriding thing is the PND. Only when someone actually knows what's going on for you, and starts getting you treatment, will you feel able to start making good decisions about the rest of your life.

So pick up the phone, and call your health visitor. Now. Please.

i get so angry with myself that im not happy because i really should be. as much as i try i just cant seem to be happy.
Arum51 you are wonderful and so understanding. my hv isnt very nice, i have ann app with GP next week so will talk to her then.
also i know it was really early bus i also misscarried my little angel baby in May, and i still blame myself. Husband said it was too soon after DD and that everything happens for a reason, but i can not help but blame myself
im in a bad place and i really want to get out of it and just feel ‘normal’

You have a dh problem too as he is so unsupportive ...if you were not therw he would eat right ? but working 6 days isn't good for him either.
Let MIL clean if she so bothered.
A nine month and toddler will be more demanding.. you can't work nights then look after her. Can MIL take her during day as she seems keen to be involed/help ?
Get some counselling talking therapy as everything is all tied up in everything else . You need to separate different issues to move forward.

Oh OP, your post has really struck a cord with me, it's like I could have written it. My DD1 was 2 months old when I fell pregnant with DD2 - so I now have two girls under two and I am absolutely exhausted mentally. I've gone the other way though, I've put on a huge amount of weight due to lack of time for myself and proper nutrition and I'm so embarrassed about it. I don't have any family nearby to help and I don't have a job as I gave it up to stay at home. I love my girls and feel tremendously guilty that I'm not enjoying this time with them, I lose my temper a lot because all my life is is a constantly cycle of nappy changing, cooking, cleaning, laundry and arguing with H as I don't do anything "but sit on the internet all day". I don't have any friends either. I don't really know what my advice is but just know you are not alone

@Sophie2210 I'm so sorry to hear about your baby. It's not like you needed any more sadness right now, and it's difficult to process grief when you're depressed anyway. It sounds like your DH just trotted out the traditional "supportive" (not remotely supportive) comments people make when someone loses a child, which just end up dismissing the child and minimising the experience.

Don't get angry with yourself that you're not happy, it's a symptom of the illness. It would be like being angry at yourself for feeling pain!

My eldest died when he was a baby, never left hospital, so when I brought my second child (now default eldest) home, everyone expected me to be ecstatic. I was not. I had crashing depression, but felt far to guilty to tell anyone. I should be happy! My baby was safe and well! What was wrong with me that I couldn't connect, found everything one long drudge, felt flat and emotionless all the time? Why was she so clingy, why were bedtimes such an exhausting battle, why was it always me, me, me she wanted? It gradually abated, but I was dreading the birth of my youngest. I couldn't go back there again. But I didn't! I loved it. I was really enjoying both my baby and my toddler! Yes, there were crappy bits, but most of the time, motherhood was a lot of fun.

It was at that point I realised how ill I'd been with eldest, and how unfair that had been on her. How it had impacted her, and our relationship. I'd had an incredibly traumatic experience (PND is horrific) and it had left her with attachment issues. I really, really wish I'd got help. Honestly, the difference between the two experiences of parenting is incredible. Don't do this to yourself, or your daughter. Whatever is stopping you from telling people in your life the truth, fuck it. You are not obliged to soldier on, to try and see it through, to put yourself and your child through this horror for any reason. Like I said, there's a clear, very effective, clinical pathway for this. You're not alone. Many, many women go through it, and that's not how it's supposed to be. Believe me, it's so much better than you are experiencing.

@CaMePlaitPas same goes for you. It's not supposed to be like this. This isn't "natural". Call the HV, please. Not for some randomer on the internet, but for yourself, and your kids.

I could cry for the pair of you.

@Arum51 you have inspired me that there is light at the end ofthe tunnel, i weirdly now feel prepared to talk to someone after hearing your success story. MIL doesnt want to help she wants to interfere.. trust me and plus she works full time. I hate feeling like this and i really dont want a big age gap between DD and second baby, but want to make sure that i am mentally healthy as well as physically. I feel like ive fallen and cant get up. I will speak to my GP and see from there.

I think it's urgent that you get treatment. Can you ring your gp surgery to try and bring your appointment forward? Take a printout of your first post.

Swallowing tablets. Things to try:

• try taking the tablets with a spoonful of yogurt or mashed up banana instead of water - the idea is that it all goes down in one go.
• if no good, ask if you can have dispersible or liquid forms?

I'm very concerned that you are losing weight and not eating or drinking enough. You could end up with a urine infection. That combined with the trouble swallowing tablets is more worrying. Have you had an eating disorder in the past? Do you think it is flaring up?

If you would like to eat, ask your husband to help you make a plan. You need quick easy food made for you ready in the fridge - he should do that for you. I'd say you need full fat milk, bagels ready filled with cheese and salad and cut up, sandwiches with mayo, salami wraps, maybe some smoothies, peanut butter: bananas in the fruit bowl that you can grab, tinned fruit with some cream to pour over. Filled pasta does need cooking but just dumping it in the boiling water for a couple of minutes isn't too bad.

Are you drinking water, at least?

I would say that it's just not possible for you to work night shifts and care for a baby. Can you start with a Sunday day shift so your Dh can do childcare? Do either of you have a parent who might do one day a week with the baby?