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Postnatal health

I have pnd don’t I ?

41 replies

babyblues2018 · 20/01/2018 06:54

I posted before but didn’t realise there was a postnatal topic.

We tried for 5.5 years for our beautiful baby and he’s a week old. I adore him and in that way I’m totally happy I loved him from the moment he was born. It was such a huge struggle to get him and I’m so happy he’s here. I didn’t think it would happen at all.
I had HG through pregnancy and a few other stressful things which meant I didn’t actuslky enjoy being pregnant I was highly anxious too about what could or might go wrong so didn’t relax and let myself believe there would really be a baby at the end. Now I feel sad it’s over.

It started on Monday with crying in the evening same on tues, wed and Thursday afternoon and evening and yesterday started at lunchtime.

Worried today it will start even earlier. It’s uosettimg me as I love him and I’m happy with him so why can’t I stop crying ? It’s like there is something uncontrollably sad inside I keep crying about all the treatments and how hard it was (at the time I didn’t cry just kept going trying again and again and o think I was numb from it all). But now it’s worked.

I felt anxious and sad leaving hospital in a ‘it’s done now you’ll never get to feel this again’ kind of way and I feel every day that I so desperately wanted this beautiful baby but he won’t be tiny again and I won’t experience it again (I’m nearly 36 and it took 5.5 years for this baby) so walking out of there was bittersweet I didn’t feel like I imagine others do ????

So I feel it is a combination of
I wanted him so desperately and it was hard and that’s caught up with me now
HG made me physically unwell
I’m grieving that I didn’t enjoy pregnancy and I wanted to
I’m grieving for all I went through
I’m grieving as each day passes because he won’t be tiny for long which sounds silly but for so many years I dreamt of the day I’d give birth and have a newborn and that’s happened now and I’ll never feel that again

But I’m doing ok with sleep/feeding/ looking after him and myself so I’m not depressed am I? Or am I?
I don’t know if this is hormones settling but it’s day 9 and I don’t feel it’s lifting

One very worrying sign is bad dreams. Since I was quite young there’s been a type of dream I have, only when I’m very very stressed they are horrendous and don’t happen often but last night I dreamt about it and I knew when I woke it’s a sign my minds not in the right place but I fell I don’t have typical depression and as much as I cry and feel awful I love my baby and I’m so happy with him
I don’t know what on earth to do

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trevthecat · 20/01/2018 06:59

Congratulations on your baby. Speak to your midwife or if you have already been signed over to your hv. Could be baby blues but could be more. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You just had a baby, your body is knackered, your probably not getting enough sleep. Take it one day at a time, even an hour at a time! But speak to someone. Do you have good support from dh, parents, friends?

babyblues2018 · 20/01/2018 07:03

The midwife who came out was awful I don’t think that helped. She was abrupt and was brutal removing my stitches which surprised me she handled my baby like a piece of meat to the point I had my head in my hands wanted to cry and if she hadn’t stopped I was literally about to take him and tell her to stop. She was handling him roughly he looked terrified
She also only came once I thought it was more often she said I have to attend the Centre next week for next appt. I just felt shocked I thought they’d come round a couple of times and be supportive.
The hospital wee good but not local so the midwives are coming from a different one and she wasn’t pleasant at all now I’m anxious about the next appt

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babyblues2018 · 20/01/2018 07:07

I just want to go back in time with the knowledge he arrived safely, enjoy my pregnancy and try to not feel like this as I love him and I am enjoying him but I don’t want to constantly be bursting into tears and feeling sad the whole things over in a way
I think for 5.5 years it was my only aim now it feels strange to not have that anymore? My minds having trouble adjusting and I don’t want to not experience it again but it won’t happen age isn’t on my side or nature

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IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 20/01/2018 07:14

Ok. It's been a week you've had 5.5 years + a HG pregnancy and your hormones are going crazy just now. You need time to recover physically and mentally

Mary1935 · 20/01/2018 07:16

Sorry your feeling down - Are you looking after yourself - attending to your self care and eating well. You sound like your looking after the baby well. You've had a hard journey - it would be emotional and having the baby will be emotional too. Have you got a supportive partner? Family that can help out. Sorry your mid wife was heartless - not all nurses are kind and caring.
You may settle down in a few days - or if you notice your doing less for yourself or the baby see a GP or health visitor - there's a rating questionnaire for post natal depression which they can access you on - congratulations on your bundle of joy - I'm sure you will be ok.

DaisyDaisydoo · 20/01/2018 07:19

Congratulations on your baby. Give yourself a little time- I hit my hormonal low point at about two weeks after birth, I think it’s very normal to feel like you do right now. you have been through so much it is totally understandable it is all flooding out now. Just try to keep talking about it to people you are close to to keep an eye on things. You are doing great Flowers

Jenijena · 20/01/2018 07:22

I’m not an expert but at the moment your hormones are on a massive come down. I don’t know if you have or will have pnd, but I do know for sure that how you feel now is not a marker for how you will feel in a month, three months, half a month, a yeawar...

Take care of yourself, and congratulations on your baby.

babyblues2018 · 20/01/2018 07:24

Yes I’m looking after myself in terms of washing dressing brushing teeth etc. I found staying in pjs was making me feel worse even though I’d been advised to

I am struggling with food. I love food and nothing stops me eating. But this is. Everything sticks in my throat and I cry so much I’ve nearly choked a few times when a big sob has come on

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babyblues2018 · 20/01/2018 07:25

My husband is being wonderful he has another week off

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christinarossetti · 20/01/2018 07:29

Go and see your GP. 'Baby blues' are crying etc for no particular reason. You have plenty of reasons to cry and grieve which you:be expressed very articulately.

Some counselling might be helpful. And a HCP knowing g what's going on definitely will

Take care.

Babybluesandpinks · 20/01/2018 07:38

I just wanted to tell you that I have similar feelings right now, 1 week post partum, second (but last) baby - the hardest feeling being the idea that I'll never be back here, wanting my baby to stay tiny forever, not being ready for my world to start turning again, being stuck in this moment (wilfully stuck), wanting to freeze time, trying desperately to soak it all up at the expense of actually living life maybe...... and being forever on the point of tears.
I had similar feelings last time and they did lift gradually.
Aren't hormones a bummer - you went through so much and still can't quite enjoy the amazing outcome.
I'm sorry you're going through this. You're not alone.. I'll watch this thread - if you do go to the doctors let us know how you get on.

babyblues2018 · 20/01/2018 07:42

That’s the worst thing I’ve dreamt of this for years and I am enjoying him but the crying is taking something away. I’ve taken lots of photos I’m spending all my time cuddling him and loving him and I waited so long but I don’t want time to go too quick

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babyblues2018 · 20/01/2018 07:45

It was walking out the hospital feeling so proud and relieved and happy yet so lost and sad I’ll never be back there it’s nearly broken me.
I feel lost too as for so long my mind was focusing on this I know I need to switch now to all the lovely things I’ll do with my baby but I’m just finding that transition hard as my mind is stuck somewhere else

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mamamalt · 20/01/2018 07:55

I cried every day for like two weeks after giving birth!! OH was terrified but it was normal!! If you start to feel hopeless or uninterested in anything or it’s just too much for you then make a gp appt.
But before that give yourself time. Cry and explore your feelings and just get used to your new life!! Sounds like you have had a lot to deal with these last years and it will just take time to come to terms with having your beautiful baby!!
Huge congratulations! Please be kind to yourself, take lots of time for snuggles, sleep when you get a chance and come back and talk here if you need to!!

TanginaBarrons · 20/01/2018 08:14

Hi op, I really know where you are coming from with the ambivalence about hating pregnancy but feeling gutted that "special" time is over.

My dad is 6 weeks old. I have 3ds (youngest 6.5) and wasn't meant to have any more babies. I miraculously managed to get pregnant (49/reluctant dh/one occasion of unprotected sex) and hated being pregnant.

I was so looking forward to my ecs and spent ages fantasising about my new baby and the magical first days in hospital and actually that bit was great, but every minute was loaded with this unbearable poignancy that this was definitely my last (I was sterilised). The aftercare was crap too and I was discharged unceremoniously after 24 hours having not established bf back to my lovely but chaotic family.

The next week I cried constantly desperately wanting to enjoy my longed for dd whilst feeling gutted that she was growing so fast. Everyone else expected me to feel overjoyed that I finally had a dd, whilst I felt angry for my boys and defensive of the baby boy I didn't have and totally unsupported by midwives and health visitors who assumed a fourth time mum would just get on with it.

Anyway, sorry this is so rambling - I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and I am now feeling so much better that hormones have settled down. I think we fetishise new motherhood in this country whilst actually not supporting new mothers appropriately a lot of the time. So we are made to feel very special in some respects and are actually often let down by post natal care. Give it a few weeks and I'm sure you will start to feel a bit better, but if not maybe go and see your GP. Be kind to yourself and know that this can be normal - that helped me to get through this stage.

TanginaBarrons · 20/01/2018 08:15

My dd NOT my dad!

TanginaBarrons · 20/01/2018 08:15

Oh jeeze! I'm 39 not 49. I really need to proof read but am typing one handed whilst bf.

thegamblersmrs · 20/01/2018 08:22

It is very common to feel that crash after you achieve something that you've worked so hard for and was the ultimate goal.
This is what a doctor said to me when I went into a surgery rattling and saying there was nothing wrong because I had everything I wanted.
The adrenaline stops pumping and you need to rely on your normal emotions and drive again.
Set realistic achievable goals so you've things to work on in the next few weeks, you are obviously motivated by challenges.

I'm glad you've posted as I said I've had that feeling before and I'm not 23 weeks pg with first baby through ivf and I have those same feelings of not being able to fully immerse my self in pregnancy. I'm going to try the daisy birthing classes to try and change my mindset.

Most of all talk to people or someone who you can trust or here if you feel like you can't in in RL


thegamblersmrs · 20/01/2018 08:25

*now 23 weeks

babyblues2018 · 20/01/2018 09:30

I just couldn’t nonmatrer how hard I tried let myself believe I’d actually have a baby so I felt i couldn’t let my guard down I was worried about stage related complications throughout so mc in first 12 weeks, worried when i stopped progesterone at 14 weeks, worried about incompetent cervix before 24 weeks then prematurity name it I worried so I couldn’t relax and think great ! I wish I’d known it would be ok but some days from 30 weeks onwards I didn’t even go out more than once in a day in case walking made something happen I was so scared even taking tablets for hg I felt guilty and worried

We didn’t even put the cot up till I was home as I never believed it would really happen now I look back and wish I’d had more faith and confidence

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babyblues2018 · 20/01/2018 09:33

I’ve spent all morning so far in bed with baby doing skin to skin and breastfeeding and he’s sleeping and I’m distracting myself on my phone
My husband made me breakfast in bed I’m not unhappy at all In terms of baby and support i think it’s just that the hard work is all over and now I don’t know where to direct myself it’s making me cry so much
I keep replaying the leaving hospital over and over the huge elation and the sadness it’ll never be again but I’m nearly 36 now and realistically if it took 5.5 years I’ll be too old and plus we used every penny we had for this little one we couldn’t do it again I need to be grateful for him not thinking about anything else

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thegamblersmrs · 20/01/2018 20:24

You'll get there. It's always sad when a chapter ends especially when you feel you didn't get to fully enjoy it.
I bet you did enjoy some parts but we always remember the negative stuff first.

I'm the same re the stages and the worst is the midwife saying you know your body, correction Brenda, I knew my body! I don't know this pregnant version of me!


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ButtMuncher · 20/01/2018 20:35

Darling love, give yourself some time. It sounds as if the pregnancy was super traumatic for you and I totally get that. I think it's possible to have a form of post traumatic stress rather than all out PND as I am 100% certain that was what I had after my DS birth. I was so afraid after my pregnancy I just couldn't enjoy things.

I wanted to send you my love x

babyblues2018 · 20/01/2018 22:15

I so wanted to enjoy pregnancy as idcdresmt of it happening for years but when it happened I was terrified.
Had bleeding at 8 weeks due to subchorionic haematoma so from that point I didn’t relax and worried all along
Looking back I wish I’d known it’d all be ok. But that’s impossible and I need to try and stop feeling bad I didn’t enjoy it.

The feeling that it’s over now is hard I hate endings but I have my baby now and he’s lovely I just feel like every first will also be a last but my husband says you never know what will happen that I need to enjoy the baby and not think about that because nobody knows what will happen

I managed to eat a bit more today so that’s something I was really struggling yesterday with food it was sticking in my throat and the crying made me choke but today was better

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babyblues2018 · 20/01/2018 22:15

Thankyou for all being so kind x

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