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Postnatal health

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Original poster

Sex after birth

32 replies

Machighlands27 · 01/12/2016 21:57

I had my lovely DD 5 weeks ago, I'm not sure if I'm ready for sex with my husband yet. I had a forceps delivery, episiotomy and a 2nd degree tare! I feel like I've pretty much healed but am SO paranoid I'm going to tare or something! My husband is itching to get back to having the maritals Confused and I'm not sure he's as understanding as he could be. Is it safe to have sex so soon? Any advice to help my DH understand? Xmas Blush

OP posts:
peardropz · 02/12/2016 10:39

You need to wait until you are ready and your husband needs to accept this. I would certainly at least wait until your 6 week check with your GP. I had an episiotomy and waited till about 8 weeks and was still petrified! And it probably didn't feel back to normal until a few weeks after that TBH.

Just take your time, your husband will have to be patient.

Justwhy · 02/12/2016 10:42

Tell your husband to fuck off. He can be as keen as he likes but the second he puts even a tiny bit of pressure on you he is a complete arsehole.

The first time I waited about a year. I just didn't feel happy or comfortable. The second time about 6 months. Didn't hear a peep from my husband who was there at the birth and could see it wasn't fun!

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 02/12/2016 10:44

Wait until 6 week check if you are concerned. And for the first time you go on top so you control pace/penetration.

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 02/12/2016 10:45

And you get to decide when the time is right

SpeakNoWords · 02/12/2016 10:45

Your husband can wait until you're totally ready, and if he doesn't understand why that's important then he's an arse. Does he want to hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable? Sex isn't a duty or a right, it's something two people do if they're both into it.

Original poster
Machighlands27 · 02/12/2016 11:52

He just doesn't seem to understand that 5 weeks is not that long since DD was born, and that I will take a long time to heal Confused. He also just doesn't understand why I may not want sex yet. I physically couldn't have sex for most of my pregnancy so it has been a while Sad

OP posts:
SpeakNoWords · 02/12/2016 11:55

Was he there at the birth?! Surely he must have some kind of idea why! Plus, it's not about his selfish wants, it's about you healing and feeling comfortable. Even if he doesn't understand anything about the healing process, he surely understands that it's up to you to tell him when you're ready.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 02/12/2016 11:57

Good Lord,5 weeks is no time!

Wallywobbles · 02/12/2016 12:00

I've got to be honest it took a long time to really be comfortable having sex. Probably a yearish until the scar tissue stopped pulling. We dtd at about 5 weeks post birth and I was pregnant again at 5 months which was tough.

HairsprayBabe · 02/12/2016 12:03

I thought the NHS advised you to try to have sex at least once before your 6 week check incase anything was wrong and you needed to tell the docs about it?

But if you don't want to absolutely do not, no matter how keen your DH may be.

SpeakNoWords · 02/12/2016 12:06

No, they really don't advise that.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 02/12/2016 12:06

I don't think that's ever been the advice Hairspray

They used to say no sex before 6 weeks but I think they've changed that to when you are comfortable.

HeyRoly · 02/12/2016 12:07

Ask him if he'd be so keen for sex if he has a tear in his penis that was still healing.

I had a third degree tear and couldn't contemplate sex for seven months. Not only was the healing process slow, I was so bloody knackered (and I had PND) sexual just wasn't on the table.

He needs to have some respect for you and the physical ordeal you've been though.

HairsprayBabe · 02/12/2016 12:14

I knew I read it some where - Not NHS obvs, just an ex-midwife who runs something called the Natural Birthing Company

www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/body/health/news/a44540/questions-about-pregnancy-answered-midwife/

"It's a good idea to try intercourse before you have your 6 week check up with your GP so you have chance to report any issues to them."

Not saying this is right, just didn't want to look like I had plucked it out of the air. And yes I read cosmo still, I know I know!

GruffaloPants · 02/12/2016 12:16

Your husband can wait, if you feel pressure he isn't being understanding! Ask him if he'll enjoy sex if you are in pain.

Having said that, I had sex at 5 weeks post birth after forceps and episiotomy. It was fine. A bit uncomfortable for the first few moments. I wasn't under any pressure from DP though, and knew that I could stop at any point without him being anything other than understanding.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 02/12/2016 12:23

CosmoGrin

HairsprayBabe · 02/12/2016 12:27

Please don't judge me too much! Grin

Original poster
Machighlands27 · 02/12/2016 12:34

I should stress that this isn't a possible rape issue lol, he would never make me do anything if I didn't want to! Just keeps asking if we can and saying that he really wants to have sex. I feel bad and feel guilty that I'm not ready yet, I do think I have a touch of PND which isn't helping either!

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 02/12/2016 12:34

I got my medical degree from Cosmo and Google , I'm the last to judgeGrin

SpeakNoWords · 02/12/2016 12:38

It's really off to be mentioning it a lot after you've explained why. What does he hope to achieve - persuading you against your better judgement to try, and then risk him potentially hurting you? Surely all he needs to say is, let me know when you're ready, and then shut up about it!

Imstickingwiththisone · 02/12/2016 12:47

OP your partner is being totally unreasonable! Can you tell him that he is making you feel pressured in case he thinks he's just showing he's interested. Also tell him to imagine having his arsehole both sliced and torn open by a pair of metal tongs that were used to drag a human out of his body. But before his stitches can heal you would like to have fun sticking a dildo up there.

SpeakNoWords · 02/12/2016 12:50

"tell him to imagine having his arsehole both sliced and torn open by a pair of metal tongs that were used to drag a human out of his body. But before his stitches can heal you would like to have fun sticking a dildo up there."

That is exactly the thing to ask him!

BalloonsandLavaLamps · 02/12/2016 12:51

It's up to you, but I had a similar birth and took it slow with lots of lube and cuddles beforehand.

It's such a personal thing, some people aren't ready for ages. However, I do think that you need to open the lines of communication with him rather than just point blank saying no.

You've just given birth, and in a lot of ways your body has been a stranger to you for the last few weeks, especially with pregnancy as well. Sometimes it takes a while to feel at home in it after such events. Be kind to yourself and congratulations on your new arrival.

BalloonsandLavaLamps · 02/12/2016 12:53

Sorry op didn't read your reply, just tell him that the pressure feels like too much at the moment and it's still sore down there and leave it at that.

Branleuse · 02/12/2016 12:56

He needs to stop going on about it, as thats making you feel pressurised.

Its fine to have sex again fairly soon after the birth IF there were no complications or tearing, but youve had an episiotmomy AND a tear AND forceps. You need to wait till you are absolutely ready. 5 weeks is no time at all in these circumstances. He needs to back off