just had a baby and can't cope with my thoughts

[cantcope2016]

Please don't judge me, I really don't need it. I had a baby a few days ago and I was so happy after the birth. It's the hours that followed that have now changed happiness into worry and guilt. I had to stay in hospital and I am breastfeeding so had only a few hours sleep in those few days as he wanted to feed constantly. All was fine until one night where I fell asleep for about an hour an a half. ( still in hospital) Before I fell asleep I managed to settle baby. Anyway I suddenly woke up quick to him screaming. I pulled him out of his cot quick to feed him. Then that's when I got all these overwhelming intrusive thoughts that someone has come and hurt him or shook him during the night whilst I was sleeping. There was only one other lady and a baby on the ward at this point. Midwives were all at their station and the doors to our ward was closed. I thought what if this lady was annoyed that my baby was crying to much making too much noise and she hurt him or she just did it for some other reason. It might sound stupid to some but I can't get it out of my head and it's affecting me. I don't know where it's come from! Then the next day my 'cubical curtain' was open and she looked in at me so this just re-enforced these thoughts. Is this some sort of depression or could this have really happened? Would I know if someone had hurt him. I can't function with these thoughts in my head. I look at him with guilt thinking he's been harmed and it's my fault for not keeping awake.

Sorry to hear this and I haven't experienced exactly this but I do know it is very normal to be overcome by irrational thoughts post birth so that's probably what's happening. It's such a huge physical and emotional trauma and I don't think we give ourselves enough credit for that - and then we are so quick to beat ourselves up over every little thing as you are doing now by berating yourself because you went to sleep which is of course not only totally natural but also essential!

I remember crying that I couldn't let a health visitor look at my baby in case she kidnapped her. I look back now and think I was absolutely bonkers but it felt like a legitimate worry at the time

Speak to your HV or GP but rest assured, this is normal and you're doing nothing wrong. And congratulations

I didn't want to read and run, even though someone far more knowledgable will be along soon, I'm sure!
This is so normal. Everything is ok, even though it doesn't feel like it and you probably don't believe it. Having a baby is a huge shock, really fucking shocking, mentally, physically, emotionally. Not the kind of shock where you're thinking "I'm shocked", but the kind of shock where you don't know what or how to think anymore. And then the hormones kick in, so everything feels wrong and you can't trust your feelings or your thoughts. It's horrendous, but it will settle down with time (and sleep). Try to talk to the nurses and your friends/family about your worries and let them help, or if you're not comfortable with that, keep talking to us.
You're not alone

Oh sweetie, you are just exhausted! It is perfectly normal to be so protective when they are newborn especially with your first. I remember my first night in hospital with dc1, sleeping with my glasses on (am otherwise blind as a bat!) and my arm over the crib in case someone stole the baby! Looking back it seems ridiculous but at the time it felt perfectly sensible. Do mention it to you midwife or health visitor but please don't worry unduly.

Yor thoughts do sound a bit extreme but I do remember in the first few days it is very hard to sleep despite the tiredness as you are on extra high alert. I woke every 15-30 minutes in a panic. It faded after a week or so.

Maybe you should discuss your concerns and thoughts with some of the staff who might be able to help and reassure you. It is extremely unlikely that anyone hurt your baby while you were sleeping but your mind is not being rational at the moment. I know that I quite often picture the worst case scenario with my baby, like we are walking along a street quite safely and I think 'that car could swerve over here and hit us' but it's just my mind recognising that the baby and I are both vulnerable and running through scenarios (however unlikely) that could happen. Can you do the same - recognise that you and your baby are vulnerable and that your imagination is simply playing out the worst possible 'what if' scenarios. Then recognise that these scenarios are extremely unlikely and it is not rational to think they have/will happen.

Congratulations on the baby!

I think it sounds absolutely normal. Your are exhausted, your body is raging with hormones, and your are basically in shock. No one prepares you for the shock!

Do talk to your midwives, though.

I also spent the first night with my arm hooked over the plastic cot, in case one of the nurses stole him in the night. Forgotten about that.

I think it is highly highly unlikely this actually happened. I don't think anyone can guarantee 100% it didn't but it's so unlikely. Really. Those early hours and days are so intense and you are so tired and probably physically beaten up (however you gave birth). That's not to say you're 'mad' thinking it though. As suggested above you could mention to the midwife how you're feeling. Keep your baby close and be kind to yourself. And just make sure you talk about how you're feeling.

I'm actually very relieved to read your post. My ds is now 1 month old and the thoughts have faded but when he was first born I had them all the time - I thought it was just me!

Normal! But with a warning - stay aware and stay talking about it, even just online.

I used to wake up my baby - wake him up for goodness sake! because I was so, so sure this wonderful thing couldn't possibly last. It was serious stuff, going back to trauma from miscarriage. I felt actually deranged sometimes in those first couple of weeks, but only for a moment or two at a time. So I gritted my teeth and got on with but it turns out I should have got help earlier, or at least talked about it more so someone could shove me in the direction of the gp. Nothing dramatic or horrible happened, it just wouldn't have been such a hard slog if I'd acted earlier. It was around 5mo that I went to the Dr for PND and I should have started antidepressants by 2 months.

All I mean is, tell people what's going on in your head, like you did here, so they can help you keep an eye out. It's better to get help earlier.

Its normal, you've been through one of the most life-changing things that you are ever going to go through. I cried at everything after having my first and I became paranoid about her breathing. Like some others have said please talk to one of the midwives or your doctor though.

Thanks everyone

Everyone in my family are so happy with the baby and I'm just stuck with these thoughts. We are home now and im playing all these scenarios out in my head. I love him so much and look at him feeling guilty. My moms is adamant someone hurt him and I can't think logically. I'm trying to tel myself that surely if someone did then he would show signs but even that doesn't make these thoughts go away. Why is my mind doing this to me?

My mind * i meant not my 'moms'

It is normal to have strange thoughts after birth and when sleep deprived. However if the are really playing on your mind, distressing you and starting to interfere with day to day life, you really need to speak to your midwife / health visitor / gp to get support. It maybe simple things like family helping out to make sure you get the rest you need that make all the difference in recovering from the birth. All the best☺

Have you had a good sleep since you have been home?

I think that you should speak to the midwives or HV. Are they still doing home visits?

It is pretty common, I think, to have these kind of intrusive thoughts. Your body has just gone through a major trauma and your hormones are all over the place. It can be helped and you will get better and get over this.

BTW I absolutely do not for a second think that anything happened to your baby. Both my babies screamed so loud in the day after birth. You were asleep, you woke quickly, he was screaming and you put two and two together and came up with your worst nightmare while still half asleep. Of course it will be playing on your mind, the fear felt real.

Be kind to yourself.

Thanks again

I'm scared to talk about this with my husband incase he judges me. Incase he thinks I'm mad and not capable of looking after the baby. He's so happy with the baby, doesn't like to put him down, calls him his bundle of joy and every time he says these things I feel guilty think I let harm come to his child! It's just horrible. I'm scared I will get baby taken away if I talk about this as well. I just feel so sad! I have even had the thought of getting him checked out to see if he's ok but they will think I'm being ridiculous! What's wrong with me!!!

You won't have your baby taken away. That will not happen.

Apart from this one thought process, how do you feel otherwise? Do you spend time holding him? Are you getting enough rest?

The midwife/HV/GP will have heard this all before. They will be able to help you. I don't think your husband would judge you. Why do you think that?

What of you showed your DH this thread?

It would let him know what is going on, and it would also let him see all the posts that say this is something that can happen after having a baby and its not just you.

The reason why I think my husband will judge me is because he has been judgemental before on other occasions where I have been depressed saying I can get over it myself my 'thinking positive' I feel like I can't open up to him. I was planning to make an appointment with the doctor but not sure where to start when talking to them. I still feel rather 'shocked' that I have my baby, somehow it doesn't seem 'real'
Every time I say his name or someone else says his name I feel strange. Maybe that's just because it's only early days. I do hold him a lot and because I'm breastfeeding I'm always holding him.

Make the appointment and then print out or write out what you have written in your OP if you think you will struggle.

If your DH starts to say its something you can fix yourself you need to tell him that it is hormonal, it is because your body has been through a major event, and that you need his understanding and support. If he still judges then you still need to carry on and seek the help and support from the GP.

It definitely takes a while to get used to. When I had DD1 I did feel instantly in love with her, but when I had DD2 I couldn't even look at her for the first hour. I let her do skin to skin and then made DH take over. It was definitely a few weeks before I got used to having a new person around, with them both.

I had severe PND after DD2. I was fine until she was 16 weeks and then it just got worse and worse. I wish now that I had spoken to someone at the start, instead of suffering for nearly a year.

My DH forgot DD2 when he went to get petrol, and left her in the shop beside the fridges. He put her down (in her carry car seat) to lift something into the basket, and then walked all around the shop, paid, and was on his way back to the car when he remembered. :o

I know its not quite the same thing, but it is a HUGE adjustment and it will take time.

I hate these thoughts.
New ones coming every night.
Then I get my husband telling me to 'fuck off' in the middle of the night because I hadn't changed his nappy when he asked (I wanted to get him fed quickly) then he's snoring minutes later. Looks like I'm in my own

Your husband is not helping you at the moment so it's time you had a talk with him. Telling you to fuck off is not acceptable at all.

I think it's important to talk to someone if these thoughts are still bothering you. Talk to your health visitor or a GP if you can as they will be able to explore them a bit more without being judgemental.

You husband sounds unsupportive. Telling you to fuck if isn't on at all.

Honestly, have a frank chat with your health visitor. She will provide you with much needed support and even let you whinge about your dh. It's helped me no end in the weeks since my dd was born (toughest time of my life). Don't let this get worse, get it out there

I've had a bad day today!

Baby has wanted to stay on my breast all day. I put him down and he cries and screams. Any noise wakes him up and it's been difficult getting and keeping him asleep. I know he's only 2 weeks old and maybe it's just normal but now I'm thinking what if he's crying coz I hurt him without remembering or in my sleep or it's the affects from someone hurting him at the hospital. I sound unstable when I read this back. Don't know why I'm thinking like this

It is honestly a very common problem and you should talk to your HV. I became convinced that I had taken the wrong baby home from the hospital (pretty sure now I haven't!) but the intrusive thoughts can seem very real at the time.