just had a baby and can't cope with my thoughts

[cantcope2016]

Please don't judge me, I really don't need it. I had a baby a few days ago and I was so happy after the birth. It's the hours that followed that have now changed happiness into worry and guilt. I had to stay in hospital and I am breastfeeding so had only a few hours sleep in those few days as he wanted to feed constantly. All was fine until one night where I fell asleep for about an hour an a half. ( still in hospital) Before I fell asleep I managed to settle baby. Anyway I suddenly woke up quick to him screaming. I pulled him out of his cot quick to feed him. Then that's when I got all these overwhelming intrusive thoughts that someone has come and hurt him or shook him during the night whilst I was sleeping. There was only one other lady and a baby on the ward at this point. Midwives were all at their station and the doors to our ward was closed. I thought what if this lady was annoyed that my baby was crying to much making too much noise and she hurt him or she just did it for some other reason. It might sound stupid to some but I can't get it out of my head and it's affecting me. I don't know where it's come from! Then the next day my 'cubical curtain' was open and she looked in at me so this just re-enforced these thoughts. Is this some sort of depression or could this have really happened? Would I know if someone had hurt him. I can't function with these thoughts in my head. I look at him with guilt thinking he's been harmed and it's my fault for not keeping awake.

My child is 6months old and I had these intrusive thoughts start at 8 days. It is a vicious cycle because you are so sleep deprived. I had horrendous thoughts about all types of abuse and stupid things that i won't tell you because i don't want to trigger anything, but if you have thought of something i bet i have thought of it too. You aren't alone. EVERYONE has weird intrusive thoughts and most of the time we don't even thing about it. Classic example being imagining not stopping at a zebra crossing for example and hitting someone. However most of us don't think about it once the thought has passed. Because this tiny baby is so important to you and you are so tired you cling onto these thoughts and make them bigger in your mind. And the worst bit is thoughts breed thoughts and the anxiety starts and continues. I know it feels like your brain is against you but what is happening is that your brain is imagining the worst thing that could happen because you want to protect him so much. You are a good mother its just that having a child screws with your brain. However YOU WONT ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THIS!!!!! You need to ask for help. Reading a good book on PND helped me a lot but I have also done a 10week course with the HV which has been amazing. I went into the GP and was like "what about this thought? what about this thought?" He was so calm and told me nothing i said was going to shock him. These are just thoughts and thoughts can't harm anyone and don't make people crazy or bad, we all have them it just yours are running away with you. You aren't hurting your son. You are having these thoughts because you want to protect him. AD really helped me. I wish i'd started them sooner. If your husband doesn't understand pick a friend that is a mum to talk to. You will get better. You aren't mad. It isn't normal but it is common. best Wishes xx

Thanks firsttimer82

I know I shouldn't let these thoughts bother me but they are horrible. My baby cries ALL the time. When he's awake he's either feeding or crying then I end up relating his crying to someone hurting him. I end up thinking that someone just have hurt him at the hospital and that's why he's always crying. I am having a really hard time. Feel like I spend half my time analysing why he's crying and relating it back to the time in hospital. I do feel so alone.

You must call your health visitor and get her to come and have a look.

Your dp doesn't have to know if you don't want him to. But it may be that you need to broach the subject after you've spoken to your health visitor.

I think your body and mind are on high alert because a. you've just had a baby and it's natural to be overprotective and b. you are sleep deprived. When my lo was born I kept having irrational thoughts that someone could hurt him and the thought was unbearable. I wasn't depressed but I do have a tendency to be on 'high alert' and that must be why.

The feelings decreased as I settled in and the baby started to sleep more.

On another note, are you getting enough help at home to rest? Can your dp help settle baby / take them out for a walk whilst you rest?

You aren't alone my love, you are a tired mum and you have a thought stuck in your head that you are ruminating on because you a sleep withdrawn and hormonal. Speak to the HV - This is their job. They can help you. Just by telling the HV how I was feeling i felt 50% better! hugs xx

Try not to let you thoughts get carried away.its to do with alot of things that your body and mind has gone through.you are normal and just want to keep you baby safe.i felt the same for a couple of days.try and distract yourself with happy thoughts.you are not alone speak to you health care worker if it gets bad.it will go away im sure

Hi,
Please don't think I'm being nasty or dramatic but I think maybe you need to speak to your GP, I never had a previous history of any mental health problems or any in my family but after the birth of my daughter I developed post partum psychosis, it is a very under talked about problem that happens to 1 in a 1,000 women after birth due to hormones, I really don't want to frighten you I just recognise a lot of what you are describing and I'm not suggesting you definitely have it I just think maybe it's worth talking to someone about it, I didn't and 5 weeks after the birth of my daughter it got so bad I could no longer talk and had a sever episode of psychosis...please please don't be frightened I wish someone would've warned me about it before I had my daughter as everyone talks about PND but PPP is not depression it is different and can be sorted with a little medication, there was a time I never thought I would get better but after talking a lot and taking medication I'm pleased to say I'm 100% better with no after effects and it is only related to child birth so there is not a danger it will happen again but the intrusive thoughts are what started with me, if you ever need to chat to anyone I would be happy to chat to you, I had many many terrible thoughts which I won't go into as that's not helpful but I was convinced my husband didn't love me and was going to leave me which was absurd and probably what made me keep quiet for so long, sorry for going on but just incase you'd like me never heard of PPP congratulations on becoming a mum xx

Telling someone they can get over depression by "thinking positive" is like telling a person with a broken leg they can run a marathon.

OP. Congratulations on your baby.

Do not just try and "think positive" to make it all go away. Please please call your midwife. Her number is in your notes. Tell her how you feel. I'm very fortunate that my area has a specialist mental health midwifery team.
This is because everything you are experiencing is absolutely not unusual and there are people there to help.

Your DH has behaved like a cock. It doesn't mean that he is a bad or unsupportive person, it means that he is ignorant. Ignorance can be conquered.

Call your midwife.
Or your health visitor
Or your doctor.
Don't push yourself to go to the doctor. Home visit.

You are perfectly normal. You are allowed to feel like this. You are allowed, nay, expected to ask for help. There is help there for you.

Keep talking.

Please talk to your HV or GP love. You don't have to suffer.

Intrusive thoughts are normal up to a point but shouldn't control your life and make you depressed.

Please seek help. Youl regret not doing it sooner as this stage is so short you don't want to spend it with these horrible thoughts you should enjoy your baby.

Re the crying all the time have you tried white noise to keep baby asleep? Get the app and try it out. Also babies like to sleeo on you that young. My dd is 6 months and only let me put her down to nap around 3 months. X