June 08 - a Coalition for all (even those with May or July 08 babies).

[DomesticGoddessInTraining]

Abdn liked the title so I just went ahead!

Eddie don't feel bad. I'll make you feel better now .
I've considered long and hard whether to post this, but DH and I are in marriage counselling largely due to becoming functional childcare partners rather than husband and wife. I.e. no social life. And... we've been out together twice (yes, that's right...) since Iestyn was born, neither time was just us two. That's despite me spending 2 nights in total away from Iestyn - the first one was purely functional (job interview...).
But we're going out this Friday.

Rolf would love to hear about your friend's job. Maybe you've mentioned her before? Is it a similar situation to mine? (Actually, if it's an academic job it's likely to be a ropey situation!!)
Without boring everyone with details, the job is great, but I have had problems with the department in the past; it's also v. low pay. As usual, these things are major dilemmas. I want a job in Bangor history, and have been saying that for years now, but the opportunity is coming up and it's just not that great an opportunity due to the pay!
But please do pray for me and get me the job. And have a lawyer on standby too - if they dare to screw me around this time, I'll sue. (They've done it twice already, and this time I won't take it.)

Manuscript - i.e. it's a medieval manuscript I work on, not 'my' manuscript!! Here it is. The library has been through various phases...it's in a good state now, mainly because it's celebrated a ?centenary or something recently. They also gradually re-did it, because when I started working there (as a scholar, that is) back in 1997, it was really very 1950s in every way, food included! They've gone a bit more corporate and modern recently. The red carpet, though, has always been in great condition! The manuscripts reading room was moved about 5 years ago, and that was interesting; I worked there when there was a special room (not just a section of one of the main reading rooms) but it was dodgy - I had Wales' most important medieval poetry manuscript on my desk, with a bucket on the floor next to me to catch rainwater...

Good old NLW...I could go on at length...

Mega eek - twin girls!!!!!

Amber

Amber WOW! WOW! I've gone all blinky and jittery! We can all plan names and stuff . They're fraternal, right?

Eddie we have had v v few nights away from the children. One big issue I have, which I think I have posted about before, is the lack of family support. Obviously it's a situation which lots of other people are in, too but part of my problem with it is that I've mixed it up with missing my mother. I get horribly, horribly envious of people who do have that sort of support. In fact, I was thinking that one of the reasons why I don't go to confession is that the sins I have the biggest problem with are so repellent: envy, gluttony and sloth . Anyway, you're not alone.

A friend was saying recently that she "needed" to go away with her husband for a few nights, she was stressed and tired, and it would be "medicinal", and she would get her mother to come and stay with the children. Fair enough, but I could be about to take an axe to the Vice Chancellor and there still wouldn't be anyone who could help me to take a "medicinal" holiday with DH. A group of friends were also recently talking about how they were only able to keep their careers going because of their parents helping with childcare. None of that was an option for me, and DH's job involves long hours and he's a bit of a doofus.

Eddie and Dewin When DS1 was tiny we lived in central London, so would go out separately, or else friends from work would babysit (I was 1st to spawn so it was a novelty). When we had DS2 we had a nanny who would sometimes babysit, but not much. What's made a difference now is that once DS1 started school I got to know people with older children who could babysit. Once you've got some contacts like that, so many opportunities open up. The girls we use are very local and sensible and their parents are just round the corner if there is a problem. The ones with young siblings are good about getting the children to bed, too. We had one girl whose father was a consultant paediatrician so felt safe in the knowledge that he was round the corner! I put out as many smoke signals as I could think of, that I was looking for a babysitter, and after a while got a few suggestions. I'd have thought that in teaching you'd be able to get some response if you send out some smoke signals amongst your colleagues? Obviously if you were a churchgoer you'd know lots of nice sensible girls who could babysit

Before T was born we booked a whole season of theatre tickets, and that's what we're going to do for September. We got out of the habit of going out when T was born and want to start again. It was lovely to have all these nights out already in the diary.

Dewin at the manuscript and water bucket! I don't want to post in much detail about my friend's job, purely because it would make her identifiable. She's got a job overseas (UK university but overseas job) for a number of years, with a good expat package - school fees, flights, accommodation etc. She's recently become a single parent so a fresh start like that was perfect - I can see it wouldn't be for everyone. DH does lots of employment work so let me know if you need any advice.

Rolf yes non identical twins and all help with names gratefully accepted. So happy I've had the scan and everything is ok. I've not been on much as I have been wrapped up in it all so apologies but I will read everything. I also passed my driving test yesterday and am now on the way to get a car - what a week!!!

What sort of names do you like (apart from Luke, obviously!)?

Well done on the driving. What sort of car are you going to get? A proper Mom car? . I'm definitely going to get myself driving this summer. It's becoming irritating that I don't.

Just booked a hall for DD1's birthday party at the weekend, so 3 days to organise it .

A hall rolf wow how many are coming???! I don't know about names, unusual names are nice but not too out there! I love sienna and savannah the miller sisters names, clearly couldn't use them but that sort of ilk. I have bought a Renault scenic cos it's got 3 rearseats. Very excited!!

Wow, Amber, that is so exciting - so how many weeks are you now? Surely not 20 already?! I think we have chosen Ruth for a girl (got quite close to being decisive last night), Dan for a boy (dependent on SIL of course ), Ben is our second choice and Jacob our third (wouldn't surprise me if SIL's other boys' name is Ben). She is booked in for a section on Aug 19 cos of breech and transverse babies (6 days after my due date) so I should give birth first but you never know. Well done on passing your driving test!

Dewin, I will pray for your job too and for you and your DH. Do you think it is mostly due to not spending enough time together? It must be very tough. Sounds like you had a lovely time at your parents' - I can see why you wouldn't want to leave!

Rolf, I totally feel for you wrt family support. We have both sets of GPs close by and like your friends I would not be able to work without having them as back-up to do pick-ups from CMs. DH is just not reliable enough cos he can't always get out of court on time, so I really appreciate them. And they will have the DTs overnight which is fabulous. I would feel very sad if we didn't have that so I can understand your feelings, and not having your mum around is sad in other ways too of course. Glad you have managed to find nice girls to babysit at least.

Eddie, I don't think it's unusual - SIL has never left her 2yo DS cos he doesn't sleep that well, but maybe next time your mum comes to visit you and DH could book a night in a hotel? Sorry you are feeling tired - it makes everything seem so hopeless doesn't it (it does for me anyway and I am not looking forward to going through it again). Don't be too hard on yourself and be hard on the boys if you need to be for your sanity ie putting them in their cots for 20mins to get a break even if they scream the whole time. I had to leave the DTs sometimes and they would be upset but I just had to. It wasn't nice but I figured with twins it's an extreme situation. Same with 2 boys 18m apart! It has actually made them more adapatable and happy to be left. Having an 18mth gap is very challenging so sometimes you have to do things that are not ideal or that you wouldn't do if you just had one baby.

E has come down with a pretty rotten cold - which might explain the crying at bedtime for the last few nights . And I thought she was trying it on - I considered giving her Calpol but she seemed fine before bed so didn't actually think she was feeling rough. Bless her, she has had 90mins sleep at lunch today (and I had a lovely kip too ).

The names that we almost used for T were Florence and Jemima. I know most people will hate them, but I love them. They are the sisters' names in the Blue Kangaroo books - I only found that out recently.

DD1 wants to invite pretty much her whole year group (60!) which is ridiculous. But the invitations will go out tomorrow, which is the last day of term, so there are bound to be a lot of children on holiday, and quite a few no-shows, so I'd like to over rather than under-invite. It's a big church hall so there is room for plenty, but I'm not sure about the wisdom of having that many 5 year olds in my care . I'm getting all excited about pass the parcel! I've got a great big list of party games to plan for, and a food list. It's a few years since the boys had these sort of parties, and 5 is a great age for stuff like that .

Neenz all those names are lovely, and go v well with Theo and Esther. I particularly like Ruth.

Dewin hope the counselling helps you and DH. Good for the two of you for going. DH wouldn't ever agree to it, although it probably wouldn't do us any harm.

Amber, congratulations .

Dewin, thank you for sharing about your marriage counselling. I'm sorry to hear you're having to go through it, but it's 'good' to know that others aren't finding it easy . Dh and I are on our knees and can't seem to see a way out at the moment.

Rolf, I really sympathise - I have a couple of friends who have also lost their mums (one when her DS was two months old) and they both really struggle. MIL is just not the same. My mum is around and very supportive but there is just no way she could do a night for us right now - she is exhausted spending a whole day with them, a night would finish her off .

Babysitters would certainly be an option, although they hugely add to the cost of a night out. Having said that, there are not many people I could leave the boys with at the moment, they are just too demanding. My mum and one or two friends are the only people who have babysat for us - we're going to the cinema this Thursday actually - so a short list right now!

And lol at going to church just to find a babysitter - I suppose it's not much different to pretending you're religious to get your kids into the right school though is it?!

Good luck with the birthday party - sounds fun!

Oh, and Neenz, have to correct you on one point - the boys are 16mths apart. 18mths would have been a breeze .

Bit of a bargain swing and slider set for under £20 here for those with a bigger garden than me.

Will be back to post properly later!

Dewin -good luck with the job and agree that you should take it further If they mess you around again.

Amber- congratulations (although wasn't savannah a bad 80s mini series or is it just me who remembers that).

Eddie(and others) - have only had one night away from dd for work and our nights out are due to paying for babysitter. Luckily new nanny babysits which is fab as e loves her(think I have posted before about how well she is doing and how much e likes her- I only hope it's not too dull for her if don't have another).

Do ant of your lpcal childminders babysir or I can give you the agency details I use (they are very good and all are crb checked etc).

Re room will get site details for transfers for wall from dh(he does all our house design as I have minimal interest unless it's to do with kitchen).

Blue can be ok but made a mistake with it in first house and was way too dark so made room look cold. It's all shades of cream and yellow here.

And sorry for shite typing - and ah will go to tdf thread to check but you know my views on Ronaldo ...

Huge congratulations Amber! DId they tell the sex from the scan as thought you were still quite early on. DS was a girl at the twenty week scan so if it was an early one wouldn't start buying girls clothes yet!

I have never had a night away from DS. DP and I have only been out once together since he was born. At the monet I feel full of resent that DP has a life outside of the family and I don't - he is in OZ at the moment on business, bitter bitter bitter me, I'm at home looking after all three on my own. My mum is in hospital having a proceidre so worry about/have no help from her at the moment. Feel like I am going insane. Haven't had a decent nights sleep since DS was born but am still bfing so know things will get easier when I knock that on the head.

Seems like so many of us have issues right now and though I wouldn't wish any of them on others it feels good not to feel alone.

Evening all - there's so much to comment on, I nearly went to get a notebook to jot everything down

Will try and rely from memory though...

Amber, congratulations on the driving test! Great news. Oh, and also about the twin girls . My favourite names (which I couldn't use even if I had need to) are Ishbel (Scottish for Isobel) and Eloise. Not convinced they work together, but I'm always trying to pass them off to other people because I couldn't use them!

Dewin, I shall pray for you on the job stuff. If God wants the Pope back in my good books then he owes me a favour . I shall also keep your marriage woes in my thoughts too. It takes a lot of courage to share those kind of issues so I really hope the counselling helps.

Eddie, I'm so sorry that you're feeling so down. We all have moments when we feel like we're a terrible mother - there were many times I had to put S in his cot and go to the other end of the house while he screamed, for both our sakes!

With regards to not having a night away is it just the fact that you don't feel able to leave them both overnight - are you managing to get the odd evening off courtesy of willing babysitters? If I were you, next time your mum's over for the night I'd seriously consider getting a night nanny in too and buggering off to a hotel for a night (one with a spa and decent room service) with DH and just having a rest. You really sound like you need it. Having two children 16 months apart must be brutal (no matter how wonderful they are and how grateful you are to have them)! If evening babysitters are hard to get too though, have you thought about starting a babysitting circle with your NCT friends? Either you or your DH babysit for them in return for the same?

Also sorry to hear that Rolf and others struggle to get a night off. We are very lucky in that respect. Dewin, I'm glad to hear that you're off out on Friday! While I think about it though, I think DH and I have probably only been out on our own twice since S was born. Can't complain though, we do get out a lot with friends etc.

Spider - have I persuaded you to move to Edinburgh Did I tell you about all of the lovely child friendly country parks just on the outskirts of Edinburgh? And the zoo? yet? There's lots more good things I could tell you!

On S's room (see, I know that's what you're all waiting for ), I went back to to DH and said I really don't like blue. And he said, well, lets go for green then. How easy was that? So now have to find a nice light, jungle-ish, green to paint. Except I really can't be arsed decorating - it's the only room in the house at the moment that doesn't need something done!!!

Poppy, we do have stickers already for S's room, but would still like to see that site - I like stuff like that so always good to bookmark for the future! Hope you're doing ok too.

Phew, I think I covered everything, but will probably have forgotten something...

Ruth is a lovely name neenz. Can I offer you my current favourite girls name Amber, which is Felicity. I know it isn't to everyones taste but I love it. I also really like Verity but they are too similar to go together. Beatrice is another lovely name. Actually I could do you a very long list...

Dewin so sorry to hear you are having problems, but glad to hear you are both committed to doing something about it. Dh and I have probably only been out a couple of times since J was born but to be honest that is our choice. We could get mum to babysit and go to the pub but we much prefer to lounge around on the sofa and chat over a large glass of wine in comfort. Living apart so much must be incredibly difficult, fingers crossed it improves.

I like a blue bedroom but agree that it has to be the right shade of blue. DD has a pink and lilac bedroom (her choice), just wait until you have to live with that everytime you open a bedroom door. It makes me shudder.

Ooh, I like Ruth and Verity too.

I take it all back re: the weather - I'd like a little monsoon this evening. My awful neighbours have some people round and they have spent too much time standing at their back door (which is right next to my back door) swearing loudly, smoking, drinking etc and generally annoying me.

Going, sorry to hear you're having a bit of a crap time atm too. I'd be resentful too. Hope you're mum is ok.

Dewin hand held tightly for the job - fingers crossed etc and hugs re the counselling and I hope it works - it's very hard to do so much of the parenting on your own for starters that it's bound to put a lot of stress on a marriage. DH and I had a really crap time in Feb/March/April but I'm so much happier now - but I guess my point is that this whole parenting thing does bring some down times as you sort out roles. Prayers from me too -

Eddie DH&I have never had a night away in four years. We've both been away for work but it was definitely not a social life! I know what you mean about envy Rolf - the neighbour across the street has been complaining about her MIL who came last week and took care of her 5 year old daughter for the week so she could take a course. I've tried to remind her how bloody lucky she is to have that support and it doesn't matter if her MIL was annoying but it's so hard to hear someone be negative about help I would be in tears to recieve.

We do have teenage babysitters though! And Eddie I think you need a 12 year old like I have - have I mentioned that I have a friend's daughter come by once a week for two hours to take care of the boys and give me a break. She's only 12 so I can't leave her with them of course but I can go to my room and close the door...

I know it seems like a really crap time right now but it will get so much easier as they get older - my friend who had a similar age gap really struggled too. Since it's so bad right now I think finding a way to get a rest and get help is important, or if that's impossible (it would have been for us, even financially) then it's important to realize that you can be a less than perfect mother and it's okay. Beans on toast, TV, etc - use the tools you have to make life manageable. Does A watch TV at all? I think you're not keen on it but it will make things easier to handle during the day and you can control what they watch. I use farming documentaries when I'm exhausted and need a break (Tractor Ted - absolutely brilliant!). Also, I'm up with Fraser most nights at the moment, he's going through a spell where he's really clingy and wants reassurance. It's easy for me though as DS1 is so independent and I can focus on fraser and not be too tired the next day. I know I would have been less lovely about it if DS1 had done this at this age when F was a newborn.

Amber congrats!!! our girls names were Audrey and Elspeth - probably the exact opposite of what you're looking for.

going I know what you mean about the jealousy re DH's job - when he's in Norway at meetings in nice hotels and I'm stuck at home eating cheesy pasta I can get a bit resentful! Are you thinking of stopping BFing soon? I stopped when Fraser was 19 months but we'd already taken away the night feed and it was just the lovely morning one. I miss it...

Eddie lol at 16m not 18! I was also thinking today (while I had CBeebies on keeping my two entertained after tea) that you should give the Tv a try if you're not already. I know you don't like it so much but for late in the day when they are getting cranky it can just distract them for an hour and give you a rest. My two really don't watch that much, they have ITNG on after breakfast then nothing usually until after tea and that's not every day (if the weather is good they just play in the garden). You have to go hardcore on the sleep I think - once it is bedtime they are in bed and you go in to reassure every 5/10/20mins but don't stick around and don't get them up. You need your sleep and A especially has no reason to play up at 2yo. They are gorgeous photos you put on FB - M looks like your DH don't you think?

E had a 90mins nap today and 10ml of Calpol before bed but we still had the sobbing when we put her down. As soon as I said 'time for bed' (after her bath and stories) she started crying. So now I know it is not tiredness or feeling rough - she is just trying it on. She stopped after about 3mins (I was going to go back in after 5 to give her a cuddle but didn't need to). She didn't go to sleep though - she was still awake over an hour later. Monkey.

Going, sorry you are having a tough time, it is not easy doing lone parenting especially if you are not getting a full night's sleep. Hope your mum is OK too.

Poppy, glad the new nanny is working out well.

I really like Audrey and Beatrice. DH won't go for anything like that - he is obsessed about them being teased at school . I have always liked having a name no one else had and I asked him didn't he mind that there were so many other Peters when he was at school, and he said 'no cos at least no one could take the piss'

Congratulations amber, that's lovely news. I also like sybil's name suggestions, although I have an Aunt Felicity (nn Fizzy), so it's out for us. I am keeping my cards close to my chest for name suggestions for this one, but if anyone has any suggestions to add to my list please feel free to head some this way! (21 week scan was on Mon, and all fine, have kept gender as a suprise though)

I have been away from C for 2 nights, while at a conference, and utilised the Mum card. I don't know how we'd manage without her, so really feel for you Rolf, my Mum comes to visit for a couple of nights every fortnight, and she is an absolute godsend. We don't have much else in the way of babysitters around, although now she's a bit bigger her godfather is also very helpful.

dewin good luck with the job and I think that going for counselling sounds like a sensible move - hope the date goies well on Friday.

spider I think I shall take umbrage - I am a proper Scot too - if you define it by being born in Scotland and having Scottish parents?! (I do however have a rather unfortunately North West England accent due to formative years in excile!) I think I have now spent half my life back here though, so definitely a Scot! I get odd comments here and there about being English, but never anything nasty and never serious. I love Glasgow, but I would second DGT with the Edinburgh thing. Mainly because there are no commuter towns outside of Glasgow. I get v jealous when I watch location location location in England and they have a choice of loads of lovely market towns within a reasonable distance of where they live.

C is causing me a bit of anxiety today. She had a temperature of 41.4 this afternoon, and yet seems well. no focal symptoms, no ear ache/cough/rash anything. very odd. she's getting regular calpol to keep her temp down but it's very odd.

eddie good luck with bedtime tonight. I second DGT, maybe leave the bedtime feed in place and work on the night feeds first?

Does this mean I'm the only one on the thread who grew up in Scotland? I didn't go into exile until I was 17 . Glad all is going well with the pg Biscuits!

Despite the rain, evil neighbours are still tormenting me. Unfortunately not monsoon like rain.

depends on what you mean by growing up DGT - I think I did a fair bit of that at Uni in Glasgow!