This is what I have written as a response to my mother. Sorry it's long but would appreciate any feedback
xx
There has been a time lapse between your message and my reply as I have been thinking about what you said. I can honestly say I don?t remember any such apology or acknowledgement that your husband had ever verbally abused me. There was no ?making up? regarding Fred?s ?abuse? (interesting you call it that, is this finally your acknowledgement that he was wrong? That you were wrong?)
In fact I do remember a conversation at Granddad?s funeral where I said this would be the last time we would speak as there was far too much ?water under the bridge?. I remember you asking about how much I weighed and getting in a tizz about it telling Fred across the room I remember you appearing to be very drunk as you were slurring yours words. All strange stuff really for a funeral.
Yes, you did send cards with a cheque in but I never cashed them. I never took your money. I don?t remember you actually having a contact address for me for years, I think even before the funeral as I was living in a place that didn?t have a postal address so I can?t quite see what address you had. There was contact by your step daughter regarding your operation as we had to make decisions as to whether to come and see you or not but nothing else. Yes, I did write to you but only once. It was a 10 page letter detailing exactly why I was upset and the issues I had. You wrote back saying ?are we still going on about this??? Yes. I am. And will continue too until you address what happened.
To be frank though, it is hard to discuss issues with someone when events happened so long ago and one of the primary figures in the issues was, more often than not, drunk. Your memory doesn?t match mine (or Russell?s, or Jason?s) so I?m not sure how we could discuss things anyway but here goes?
This, to elaborate once again, is the problem;
Before you left our home life was chaotic, tense and a very unhappy place to be. You and dad were incredibly strict and ruled with a rod of iron, discipline was tough and expectations of behaviour were high. This led to a culture of fear; we behaved not because it was the right thing to do but because we were scared of the consequences of possible bad behaviour. In short we were scared of you and dad. I have to say mainly you though. It seemed that the things that upset you changed daily and we never knew from day to day what would upset you, how you would react and what you would do us. You were irrational, you were inconsistent and I remember being very unhappy at this time. I would leave my friends playing after school to come home and peel potatoes, cook the dinner and wash the clothes as you were at work. We were led to believe you were working and we needed the money to survive. As children we were very aware of the financial situation in the house and asked for very little having learned that to ask would make you feel bad but that we didn?t get things anyway so there was little point. We were guilty children, not wanting to upset you and dad. You would literally scream if the chores hadn?t been done, I remember many such examples as does Russell who was also there at the time.
To then find out that you weren?t actually always working when you were ?working? and that you were, in fact, having an affair was quite a bombshell. To be screamed at for not doing chores or not doing them right was difficult enough but to then find out that you were lying to us all we found very difficult. Your behaviour dominated our lives as did your irrationality and unpredictability.
It was a release when you left. Family life was less tense and we all seemed to relax a little. I agree that something had to give as no-one was happy in the situation we were all in but you had an affair and then left. You didn?t leave and sort out one mess before starting another. You had never been on your own since you were 18? 19? Yet you went straight into another relationship, living with the man and not giving yourself time to heal with your children and sort out how the new life would be before introducing a step- father into the equation. You let him take over your life, you wouldn?t come away from the pub, and I had to go there to see you as you wouldn?t come to see me. Life once again revolved around you and what you wanted.
This is when the phone calls started. You would phone on a Tuesday as you knew dad would be out. You would shout and rant at me telling me that you wanted to see me; you went on and on yet never once listened to me when I asked you to give me space, to let me think about what had happened. It was all about what you wanted. There were drunken ramblings for which we got an answer phone in which to screen your calls as I was so distressed at what was happening. Solicitors were involved and I wrote a letter through them asking to be left alone. You didn?t believe I wrote the letter, your solicitor replying using the phrase ?purportedly written by Emma? Still, this may have helped ease your conscience at this time I don?t know.
You phoned at 3 in the morning shouting ?He?s hit me Colin, come and get me?? and other various ramblings on more than one occasion. You filled the answer phone tapes we had as I insisted we kept them as evidence because you would phone the next day seemingly unaware of having even phoned. You didn?t believe me or you chose not to. I suppose I?ll never know. I let you come to a concert and you turned up covered in bruises. Friends asked, I had to admit I had no idea as to what was going on but what I found the hardest thing to reconcile was that you chose to leave us and be with someone who would treat you this way and if I asked you about it you just said ?well, you should have seen what I did to him!? You said something about a ring that marked his face between his eyebrows? You were very proud of what you did as I think you viewed it as an example of how you were dealing with the situation. I just found it rather odd that anyone would let someone do this to them?
I also wanted to remind you a little of what you left behind;
We struggled after you left as I never had the right clothes for anything. I had to borrow PE Kits or steal them out of lost property. Shoes were worn to literally falling apart. I used cardboard to cover holes (and also protect my feet and socks) and when it was wet I put my feet into plastic bags and then put my shoes on. I didn?t have enough uniform often going to school in dirty clothes. I remember being so cold at this time. Ice on the inside of our windows, my hands hurting whilst trying to light a fire to keep warm. The heating was hardly ever on due to there being no money to pay the oil bill should we use it. When it?s cold now I still have that same feeling when I look at my chapped hands. I?m right back to being a 14 year old. Food was basic, 2 rounds of jam sandwiches for a packed school lunch all put in the old plastic bread bags we kept.
We aren?t talking about luxuries here; we?re talking about the basics of what every person needs. You were going on foreign holidays yet there was no money for maintenance to pay for me. You weren?t being a good parent as a parent should be. You provided for yourself but not for your child.
I started work when I was 14 as no one would, or could, provide for me so I got a job.
I worked in a rough and ready pub. The cliental were fine in the lounge bar but the Landlord quite often thought it funny to give my wages to the local idiots and ask me to go and get them. I cycled miles there and back just so I had some money to pay toward clothes, birthday presents ect. I then got a job in the village pub so this was nearer but I was sexually harassed by the Chef which wasn?t great but I dealt with it.
School was a solace, in those days they never took home life into consideration and I don?t think they knew of our family circumstances for quite some time. My grades suffered, I didn?t really care about school work and I believe I never achieved what I should have due to working, the stress you created by the phone calls and rantings but most of all because I didn?t have the parental support to help me achieve what I could. Dad was caught up in providing and you were caught up in yourself.
I left home to live in London when I was 18 and never lived full time at home again.
So you see there was a lot that happened when I was younger that you were part of the cause of. I was extremely unhappy a lot of the time and struggled with the basic teenaged problems. I suffered with extremely heavy and painful periods first mentioning this to the Drs when I was 18. It wasn?t until 24 that I was finally diagnosed with endometriosis and had to go through several procedures. Treatment kept it at bay but I know the next option is more serious. So as you can see, life was tough especially with, apparently, no understanding from your side.
Then you married again. This man was ?the one? according to you and we were all to be happy for you. He verbally abused me calling me a tart, a hoare, a slut etc. etc. You stood by and let him saying that I ?had said far worse?? I don?t understand what you were talking about I was still that fearful child that would have never sworn at my parents let alone him. His daughter would phone me doing the same, did I ?know what I was doing to my mother?? Once again, all about you. Jason defended me which is where he said he didn?t want contact whilst you were married to that man. I cannot understand how any parent could let their child be spoken to that way and stand in the same room and do nothing.
This husband has died. I am thinking it won?t be long before husband number 4 makes an appearance as you don?t seem to manage on your own. I could be wrong and would love to be but I?m not sure people really change.
You don?t address what you did, how you upset people, how you lied and how you chose to parent. You want to move forward with people who need the past sorted first. I don?t need you in my life and that?s what you seem to forget. I have managed for 20 years without you and the last 9 or so without any contact at all. I would love a mother in my life but I can?t trust you won?t just drop us all when the next husband arrives on the scene and doesn?t like something we have done. I don?t trust you to be involved in my live all that entails. I don?t trust I won?t have to listen to drunken ramblings at 3 in the morning. That?s not a place I want to go back to.
You had choices in your life, as did I. We both have to live by what we chose. Your husband has died and now you want contact. You are living in a rented flat as you can?t afford to come back to the UK. You have no contact with your children or your family. I suppose looking at it from the outside you are the one having a tough time as I wouldn?t ever want to be in your position.
Do you have regrets? You gave up everything for the men in your life. Do you think this was the right thing to have done? With hind sight would you change anything or do you stand by the decisions you have made?
As you can see there is a lot to sort out before even the slightest possibility of a future. You need to acknowledge your part in what happened and you need to say sorry and you need to show how you are sorry by a change in your behaviour.
I look forward to your reply. Be as honest as you want. I can take it.