I'm struggling with 9 week old and toddler

[Higgeldypiggeldy35]

I have a ds2 who is potty training and a 9 week ds. I hate my life right now. I am so irritable and tearful all the time, I'm snapping at my son and my husband. I get angry at the baby for waking so much and just don't seem to be able to cope with the endless relentlessness of bf and nappies this time round. I feel angry and resentful that this is my life right now. Yesterday my mum came round to help as first day with two on my own whilst potty training and it was a help but then 5 mins after she left my toddler is screaming, did 3 poos on the potty in an hour (which I know is good) after being on/off the potty 20 times whilst I was simultaneously trying to bf an overtired screaming baby whilst also worrying that I hadn't been able to get dinner on. My husband is wonderful and supportive but he needs to work and he came dowbstairs to me sobbing and all the children crying. I just can't do it, it's not coming easily this time, I feel like I don't want to do it and I know it's only going to get worse with the 4 month sleep regression looming. Toddler is in nursery 2 days a week and I find myself dreading having to look after them both. We can't afford to increase his days while I'm off and I feel terribly guilty that I should be enjoying this time with him but I'm not. My husband is so good with him, he is doing all his bedtimes and deals with the tanrtums much better than me. He has the patience of a saint. We hardly have sex anymore, I feel disgusting in my postpartum body with a saggy belly, stretch marks and two stone to lose. He never puts pressure on me but I miss the closeness. But I'm too tired to even consider it and can't see that changing any time soon. I feel like I regret having the second baby. He's a gorgeous baby, doesn't sleep as well as my first and will only nap on me and in a moving buggy so I never get a break. He's also got two teeth coming already. I look at other mums and wonder how the fuck they do it. How do people manage to take two kids out of the house, how do you manage potty training and a baby when you're on your own. It feels impossible and I feel like I'm failing at being a mum. Before our second baby I was doing well. I did a questionnaire online to see if I had pnd but it said I didn't. I don't know what to do to feel better about this. Any advice?

Hi OP. Your post is literally like rewinding the click for me when I had my second DS and DS1 was 18 months. I even started a thread in here about it.

I found this stage hell. Everyone told me it was so lovely to have them close together etc, but at that time I hated it. DS1 was an easy baby, DS2 had reflux, wanted to be held all the time and didn't sleep. I loved DS2, but I resented him as well because it was such hard work.

DS2 has just turned 2 and DS1 is 4 i the summer. It's great now. I LOVE it. They still drive me mad and fight like cat and dog some days, but they are becoming best friends. They play together, find each other so funny and genuinely seem to care for each other. Now the weather is nicer they'll go off out in the garden for ages together, I'll be in the kitchen watching them with a cup of tea reading a book and I can't believe how much has changed. I'm sure this will happen for you too, hang in there.

I still feel guilty for some of my feelings towards DS2 when he was tiny, but I try and separate those feelings from not being about him personally and them just being about a really hard situation. He was always loved, looked after and safe, I just used to sometimes think 'FFS, give me a break!'. Plus, he'll never be aware of those feelings and neither will your DS. Looking back, I think I had a bit of undiagnosed PND.

The potty training thing is hard. How old is your DS1? Sound like he is making great progress. It honestly took us 6 months to completely nail potty training. We started last summer and sorted wees fairly easily, but he just would not poo on the toilet or potty! One day he just took himself off and did it and we've never had an accident since.

Feel free to PM me if you want to. I really feel for you because your situation sounds exactly like mine, but take it from me it will get better and it will be amazing

God, sorry for all the typos! I've got a plaster on a cut on my finger and I can't type properly!

Thank you your post has made me cry. I feel so guilty that I should be coping better and not becoming an angry irritable crying mess when the slightest thing goes wrong, which it seems to do a hundred times a day. I look at my friends who have two and they just seem to be handling it so well. My eldest is two and a half and he's a lovely boy if he gets plenty of attention but my god we've had some tantrums, probably my fault for using screens to much when I was pregnant and in the early weeks with baby. Can't use screens when potty training as he won't stop watching to use potty. I'm struggling to entertain him and look after the baby. There are no baby groups and toddler groups yet. And even if they were, how do you go when youre potty training?

Hi OP. Firstly, congrats on your new baby!

This is totally normal, and it will get better. 2 is a total nightmare at the start, and combined with sleep deprivation, it’s hard to feel positive. But it’s too early to have everything together right now. Don’t compare yourself to other mums. Take it one day at a time.

The other mums who appear to have it all together are probably struggling just the same. Ask them how it’s really going, and you may find they open up about the stress, guilt and resentment.

You’re OH sounds great. Right now, you need him to take over things like dinner, helping you get out the house etc. Is he able to do pick ups and drop offs for a few weeks? This might give you a break. Same with your mum too. Take any help you can get.

As for getting out, it can be really overwhelming. Stick to simple things like a short walk or to the park. Maybe leave it until potty training is sorted. Most people just hide at home for this stretch as it’s too stressful!

I cried so much in the early days, and some days it’s just not enjoyable. It was so much easier with one! Slowly, those bad days will become less, but don’t stress about sleep regression etc. If you’re bf, it’s harder to get into a routine, so embrace the mess in the house, eat ready meals if you want, stop putting pressure on yourself. Cry if you have to. My OH got lots of calls from me most days sobbing and tearful about how I couldn’t cope. It was awful.

Think of each hug you give your baby is a hug for you too, so lots of cuddles and chilling right now.

Remember it’s not you, it’s your hormones. You will get passed this, and soon get your patience back.

Take a night to switch with OH and he can have baby whilst you look after ds1. Spend some time together. He’s probably feeling displaced now baby is here. He’s acting up for attention, so lots of hugs when he has a tantrum. Try not to snap, instead be kind and get him involved with helping with ds2. Anything from baths together, reading etc. Make it a game, and try to have fun. He will embrace it and slowly stop the tantrums.

Don’t worry about your relationship right now. It’s going to take some time. Tell your OH how grateful you are, how you’re feeling right now. Make plans for future nights out. It will come back.

No one has it all together! We all struggle. Once in a routine, you will suddenly find you’re that mum who can get the kids in the car with no fuss most days, breezing about all insta post like and loving it.

But yes, right now it’s rubbish and that’s okay. It’s also okay to feel regret or resentment. If you’re worried, pop and see your gp to tell them how you’re feeling.

Thank you for your kind words @snorkello. My husband is amazing. He already does the drop offs and pick ups. Toddler needs to eat at 5 or he turns into a gremlin so he can't help with dinner in the week as he finishes at 5 but we all eat together and he's a great help calming my son during meal times. Breaks my heart when my son asks for him instead of me though. I feel like the pregnancy and subsequent weeks have eroded our bond. I had a bad pregnancy with hospital admissions and being unwell so he sort of got used to me not being around. My husband really stepped up and got on with things though and now their bond is lovely. I can't swap easily in the evenings as baby is very attached to me and screams his his head off for a couple of hours every evening so it's just easier for me to deal with it. I do try and go up for goodnight kisses though. I totally underestimated how hard it would be. Noone seems to talk about it and just say how lovely it will be. Well either they had a totally different experience to me, they forgot, or they lied!!!
Last night the baby was so wired (first leap) and it took a couple of hours for him to settle only for him to do a massive poo and needed a full change and he was wired again, then he threw up and had to be changed again, all while I was weeping for my early night that never happened. And I've been awake since 4am. God it's just never ending and awful!!

But I appreciate what you're both saying that it will get easier and it gives me hope

Also my mum does what she can but she has cancer and I don't want to put too much on her. We have no other family here.

Another one saying it will get easier. It really really will.

You sound like you really have a handle on what triggers your toddler and are trying really hard to keep him happy and in a good routine.
Life with a baby and a toddler is very much survival mode. Keep trudging on, one day you’ll come out the other side.
Your DH sounds a gem but they are his kids so if he is a gem then you must be one too as you’re doing just as much if not more.

Getting outside a lot helps a lot I found. Embrace the nursery days and try to relax as much as you can while baby sleeps on you on those days.

Wishing you well

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. I hope she is okay.

Yes, they all lie to us! The feeds, the sleep, the struggles to have time for your relationship. All that crap is real and no one tells you it’s going to be a total car crash of hormones and anxiety and struggling to cope.

Make an extra portion of dinner for ds2 to have the following day at 5. This will save you time.

I hated how much the second changed my relationship with my first. I still feel like I never got it back, but he’s really close to OH, so I’m glad they have a good bond. I think it’s probably the mum guilt talking though, so my advice is to play and play with him. Jigsaws, books, cuddles, drawings. You can’t do it all, but aim for one thing a day, just the two of you. It will help you feel better.

Big hugs

My mum is still very active and isn't 'unwell' considering her diagnosis but I don't want to put unnecessary worry and stress on her. She has enough to worry about. I have a toddler free day today so I'm going to potter about. I wish it was allowed to have a nap whilst theyre in the sling. He only sleeps in the sling really. I guess I should look on the bright side, at least he's asleep. My husband is a gem, I know I'm extremely lucky. But then it makes me think of all the poor mum's out there with horrible partners or no partner at all, and they seem to manage!! I think it will get easier when my baby is more interactive with my toddler. I do look forward to the days when they will play together. It just seems so far away.

You've all been so lovely. I was worried people would tell me to snap out of it, be grateful that I have two babies, but you've all been lovely....and now I'm crying again!

I hope today went better for you!

Thanks @snorkello yeah it was nice, I never get to sleep but I was able to potter about with baby in the sling. Reorganised my cupboards with a label maker (oh god how sad am I?). Had another bad night but I don't feel as teary today. Thank you for thinking of me.

Could you Increase your toddler's nursery days?

Unfortunately we cant afford to. I would feel guilty about palming him off when I'm at home looking after his brother though.

Christ it's so fucking hard the first year (or two!) and everyone around you pretends these should be the happiest days of your life.

Don't get me wrong I love my kids but mine were 26m apart and both wanted me all the time. I was sleep deprived, and surviving each day was something to celebrate.

It does get easier. I promise. But that doesn't help you now. Just know you're not alone, you're not a bad mum, and many of us have been there.

Scrap the potty training. DS1 was almost 4 in the end because I ALWAYS had a baby on my boobs. But he got it quickly and isn't damaged for life. Survival is what you're aiming for.

Do you have any friends you can talk to? Do you want some friends on here you can talk to?

Oh OP! I think all of that sounds really normal. Have you seen many friends? Sometimes when I feel like the worst mum in the world or like I can't cope, I get together with my mummy friends and realise very quickly I am not alone! It always makes me feel 1000x better and we all moan and complain about the same things! Your human and it's fucking hard having children.

Your hormones will be all over the shop too. When I was in the thick of it, I felt like they made me unable to complete tasks or do anything. Remember it passes, in the meantime - there's always wine!

Sending love!

Nah kids love nursery, so many activities and friends. If you do find yourself able to afford it, I'd deffo do that.

Oh I remember feeling like this I had a newborn who was 6 weeks old and an 18 month old. I remember for the first time us being on our own and just sitting there thinking what have I done.

It's such a cliche but it did get easier I didn't have any help really but my partner was brilliant and we somehow muddled through, I just remember lots of crying from all of us and I remember days I didn't shower for about 2 days in a row as I was just so tired.

They've now grown up a little I have a 6 year old a 4 year old and a 16month old if you saw us out in the park you'd think we was a happy well behaved family, we are not, I mean they are happy I am happy sometimes but fuck me its so stressful throughout the day still.

And they are so close they are best friends which is nice until they start fighting again.

And they get a little easier to parent when they are a pair my kids seem to love baking, anything messy and they give so many cuddles and funny moments it sort of balances out I guess and it's easier to occupy them now!
It will get easier try not to pressure yourself too.

@Higgeldypiggeldy35 How are you today? Have you managed to get out into the sunshine at all?

Hi everyone. Thank you for all the reassuring comments. I've been feeling much more positive the last few days, partly because the baby slept better so I wasn't up every hour. I actually got 5 hours in a row last night and feel like a new woman! Definitely hormones playing a part. I've just gone back on the pill. Can that mess with you after having a baby? I swear I'm not normally so tearful.
I have a few friends that live near by and have seen them a few times . Hopefully with the nicer weather we can meet more and larger groups too soon. Thank you all for replying and being so supportive. This is Mumsnet at its best

Gosh- I remember everyone saying "oh it's so much easier the second time round". What a bloody lie!!
It's a nightmare- you can't keep anyone happy- each child needs 100 per cent and it doesn't work.
Stay strong- it does pass!

@grafittiartist you're so right. You can only give 100% and when you can't meet everyone's demands it feels rubbish and the first person to suffer is yourself because you give up on the self care

The thing no one tells you about having two tiny children at the same time - you have to pick which one cries.

It might be the eldest because they want to do playdoh and you're stuck feeding the baby on the sofa. It might be the baby because you've got to get the bigger one dressed after a bath.

Making peace with the fact that one of them would often be crying helped me.

I'm glad you've slept a bit more - it's usually the biggest factor in your mood for the day ahead.

congrats on the birth of your new born. I was in the exact same position as you this time last year. I decided to toilet train my 2 year old toddler when my new born was 6 weeks old.
My advice would be to stop the toilet training for the mean time. wait a few months, when your baby is a little more settled and you have worked a semi sort of routine for your baby. It will be so so so much easier to potty/toilet train then. At the moment you are stretching yourself into such a thin line you will snap.

When i restarted toilet training it took 1 day and we had cracked it. You will be much calmer and be able to focus on your toddler when your baby is slightly older and more settled. ANd trust me you wont feel the mum guilt that you delayed it.