I’ve failed at being a mummy :(

[Stargazing81]

My little girl is 6 months old.

I honestly feel like the worlds worst mum.

My little girl was born 3 weeks early as I had Cholestasis and had to be induced.

Breastfeeding got off to a really great start, we did breast crawl and she latched alone.
However on day 5 she’d lost 10% of her birth weight and dropped to 5Lb 15oz.

I was told to formula feed but I didn’t want to do this, so I expressed what I could and gave her EBM cup feeds.

This went on for 4 weeks and she only gained 100g during that time. We saw 7 different paediatricians and 11 different midwives!!!
All told me different advice. It was a very stressful time.
In the end I paid to see an IBCLC and we discovered she had posterior tongue tie which was cut!

She’s gained a good amount since then but I get upset most days at how tiny she is.

She’s still only 12lb 4oz.

My friends baby is 14 weeks younger than mine and weighes 15lb.

Everyone comments on how tiny my daughter is. She’s still in some 0-3 clothes and is just starting to fit into 3-6.

It’s time to start weaning now but she’s so small she looks completely lost in her high chair.
I’ve tried sitting her with me but she shows absolutely no interest in food.
Babies from my antenatal group who are younger are all now on purées and doing great.

I’m following blw weaning.

Babies in my Antenatal group are all sitting up now. My baby is nowhere near! 😔

I just feel like such a failure. I feel like I deprived my daughter in those first 4 weeks and I should’ve just given her formula.
It upsets me how tiny she is and I’m so paranoid about it.

I know this all happened months ago but it’s all very much at the front of my mind and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Because my daughter was born 3 weeks early I hadn’t arranged a cot for her (she has a next to me)

Furlough happened and we’ve just put off buying one.
I’ve finally ordered one and it’s coming next week but I feel terrible that most people are saying they put their babies in then cot to nap during the day so they are used to it, well my baby doesn’t even have one yet.

I know these all may sound so trivial but added together they’re all making me feel like such a failure. 😔

You're absolutely not a failure, OP. It's really common to have feelings like this with a baby. You've done nothing wrong x

You sound like an amazing mummy!
You fought for your little one and found the problem! I didn't persist with breastfeeding you are amazing for doing so!

Being little is an amazing quality! My friends boy was a tiny dot and in some ways still is but they are 2 now (weeks apart and is doing everything my daughter is he is just in a smaller package!

With milestones it's all relative, try not to compare your lil one to others. They do it all when they are ready :) my daughter isn't talking yet but all her peers are, I reckon she will catch up when she wants to :)

You are being very hard on yourself. Your lil one sounds Perfect, :) just keep doing what your doing. :)

I dont have any advice re the BF as I couldn't but DT's were 31 weekers and unsurprisingly teeny tiny.

I had to wean just before 6 months for medical reasons, thye couldnt sit properly so I had to abandon plans for BLW and just go down the spoon route. The had rocker chairs on a kind of stand thing so their heads were in the right place. When they were strong enough to actually sit in their chairs they switched to finger food with no issue at all.

They didn't nap in a cot during the day until they were one, it saved a lot of hassle, so don't worry about that at all!

Hey its okay OP! You're certainly not a failure.
Some babies are smaller than others and thats perfectly fine! Breast feeding doesn't work for all mums and that's fine! And babies develop at different rates, you may find one day soon she'll just sit without any warning and she'll suprise you! My little boy was 6 1/2 months when he sat, his cousin was 4 1/2 months and my younger brother was 8 months, all perfectly fine and healthy!
Have you contacted your GP? It sounds like you may have a bit of pnd/pna and you might benefit from having someone to talk to. I've been in your shoes and I found counselling/therapy really helpful x

@madcatladyfoelrever - I suggest taking your unhelpful comments to another thread.

Wow madcat that's one of the most unhelpful posts I have seen. Pretty mean considering that's what she is agonising about.

You sound like a brilliant mum to me OP. Your DD is a lucky, petite little soul to have you. I think you should consider discussing this with your GP as you have been through a lot and they might be able to help.

Ok please dont worry about her size. My son was tiny, he was still in 3 -6 months stuff till he was 13 months. Always classed.as underweight on the scale so was told i wasnt feeding him enough, fussy eater throughout childhood. Well hes now 19 eats like a horse and towers above me, still skinny though.

My middle daughter was huge proper baby rolls, would not stop eating and hv gave me greif for it. She now 11 and slim and an early developer.
My youngest lost the same amountnofnweight as yours at 10 days and was told she and i would have to go back into hospital of she didnt put weight on. We also had lots of scans as she had a scalpel dimple.
My point, both kids plus my youngest all brought up the same, same types of food, combination of breast and bottle.

All kids develop differently even in same households, you havent done anything wrong, she might just be naturally petite, if shes not intrested in weening dont force it, just offer her something to hold and suck on to begin with. Your doing everything right. X

Stop being so hard on yourself! Some babies are just little and smaller framed. We had a few in our MN post natal group and they've all come on great. Your DD will most likely catch up. DH was BF and his mum reported similar issues- when he was about nine months old they actually took him into hospital for tests to see if there was anything amiss but nope, he was just skinny. He's now 6ft and has the opposite problem with his weight you made what you thought was the best choice for you and your DD at the time, stop beating yourself up.

Re. the cot, we didn't bother with the cot naps. DD went into the big cot for the first time on the night she turned six months and that was that. If your DD's not sitting up you can keep her in the next to me at nights for a bit longer and do the nap thing if you really want, but it's not a big deal.

@madcatladyforever thats a really cruel thing to say on a post where the OP has specifically stated she feels like a failure. Op said she expressed and fed her the milk. She was doing her best to make sure her daughter didn't starve.

@madcatladyforever what the fuck makes you think that’s an appropriate reaction here? OP needs support not judgment.

OP, it’s perfectly normal for breastfed babies to have different growth patterns. My first baby was huge and my second tiny. The second sat much later than the first, weaned later, walked later. She’s 3 now and is much much more physically agile than my first. The milestones seem important when they’re babies but as they get older you won’t be able to tell. You’re doing fine.

You haven't failed! I'm sure she is fine! I had 2 prem babies, 1 10 weeks early and the other 7 weeks early. My oldest caught up with other kids his age size wise by the time he was 1. They're 7 and 4 now and they are a bit small for their ages but not dramatically. I also have a 6 year old nephew who is the same size as his 4 year old brother and he's fine.
Have you spoken to anyone about how you're feeling for reassurance, like a GP or a midwife?
As for weaning I wouldn't worry, she will get much more calories from milk than food. I weaned my oldest on purées at 6 months and he loved it, he would eat anything.
My youngest was 10 months before he could eat properly. He wouldn't even entertain the thought of eating puréed food or even me feeding him with a spoon no matter how much I tried! He wanted proper food, but he couldn't swallow, he must've had a really sensitive gag reflex as when it was time to swallow, he would be sick. So I stopped trying and he would have those baby crisps that look like wotsits or some fruit to just suck on.
What I'm saying it all babies are different and if you spend your time comparing you and your baby to other you are going to be miserable. If you're concerned about her weight gain I would take her back to the GP just for reassurance. There are prescription formulas you can get for low birth weight babies that they could prescribe if they feel she needs it, if you wanted to go down that route.

All babies are different - you sound like you’re doing great and in no way have you failed at being a mum or failed your little girl.

My son was 2 weeks early, EBF and dropped 10% of his birth weight. The midwife tried to push me to FF but I didn’t want to. I think it just took him a couple of weeks to find his place on the curve and he’s always been that way ever since. He’s now 5, smaller than some of his peers, but doing great. Plus it means that I’m not having to constantly shell out for clothes and shoes as they last longer

In terms of the milestones, as others have said babies will do things in their own time. Some reach certain milestones earlier, on time or later. I wouldn’t worry just yet - just try not to compare her to other babies (difficult I know!)

I feel for you OP, but please don't blame yourself. I struggled with breastfeeding and saw multiple people. All assumed I was holding and latching wrong as a FTM and didn't check my DS. Within 1 minute of visiting a doctor, she identified severe tongue tie. So frustrating that tongue ties have really increased and yet it isn't standard practice to check for one.

However, I do blame extreme breastfeeding campaigners for making mothers feel that formula is poison, bottles will cause nipple confusion etc and so mums become very against giving formula, when clearly in a case like yours, it could have been helpful to combination feed.

My DS is also on the smaller side, but within healthy BMI. Your little one will be fine.

@Stargazing81 you have not failed and far from it. Children come in all shapes and sizes. We've stayed in contact with our bf support group and whilst there are only 4 mums and 5 kids it's amazing how differently they have all turned out. My DS lost the same amount of weight but gained it back quickly, one little man hardly ever fed but was a chunky wee lad, the twins were always on the smaller side despite being the oldest and the last one refused to gain any weight for months until she piled on the pounds and hasn't stopped to this day. DS is 19 months and we seen the last little one recently...she weights a lot more than DS and she's way further ahead in other areas of development that he is. She's a little chatter box and DS still hasn't said his first word. Go love your baby, keep bfing or bottle feeding what ever you feel most comfortable with and don't stress. There will be other worries along the way as this is only the first.

Oh op. You don't sound like a failure at all! My ds2 was a tiny dot of a thing. He was 8lb2 at birth but then grew slowly. He was always at least 2 clothes sizes smaller than his age.
He was very ill at 4 weeks old and ended up in hospital. The nurses tried to persuade me to formula feed but I stuck with the expressing and ended up feeding him for 3 years!
He's almost 14 now and taller than me. (Not hard.) Some children are just small.

@madcatladyforever

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Oh for goodness sake. Why didn't you think about what you were posting before you did it? I can't understand this obsession with posting unhelpful and cruel postulations on the internet. If I was this stupid, I'd just cancel my internet subscription altogether.

Of course, you are not to blame for being congenitally unpleasant. But honestly, this really does call for a good long fuck off.

You're not a failure. Al babies are different and some will obviously be smaller than others. If it makes you feel any better my son is 8 months old. He still fits in loads of 0-3/3-6 month clothes. He can sit but only for a very short amount of time before he falls over and people constantly comment on how little he is. I've no doubt he will have. A growth spurt eventually and he will sit independently in his own time.

Try to stop worrying and just enjoy the small things, like the fact you've got your moneys worth out of the clothes you brought.

Op there is no point in beating yourself up.

Your baby does have a low weight, I’d speak to my health visitor or gp to get advice, and try different food stuffs with her to see what she will eat, and regularly. I’m sure she will regain her appetite and start to put on weight with the right focus.

@Stargazing81 sorry I forgot to add we pursued BLw and bed shared until he was 18 months. We did move him into his own room briefly but he woke constantly and I was shattered. If you're looking for a fb group I would suggest biologically normal infant & toddler sleep. It was the first group I found that I personally felt I could relate to. With regards to BLW don't expect them to get interested for a few months, they will go through phases. Just keep offering and her time will come.

Please don't worry about her size; she will catch up as others slow down. she is likely to have yours and DP's genetics so unless you are tiny, she will grow.
My DS was 12lbs at 3 weeks old and I was worried about his size; by 12 months he had slowed down in his growth and looked like others his age. He's now 11 and height and weight are below 40th centile. My DD was similar I weight to your DD at the same age, she's now 14 and looks very 'average' with her peers. They will all develop at different rates, have growth spurts at different times etc.
Please don't worry, just keep enjoying her for being her.

Sounds like she is doing fine. There is no harm in mentioning it at the next gp/hv visit, but all babies develop at different rates. My LO was born very large and grew at a very fast rate. At six months he was the weight of a one year old (10kg). I felt so embarrassed and ashamed, not sure why because he was bf and he didn't even eat that much - less than my first, a normal sized baby. They just like to make us worry, that's all.

Also meant to say that the doctor recommended adding butter where possible to vegetables, pasta etc to help with weight gain. I didn't give many rice cake/wafer type foods as there are so few calories. More healthy items, but higher in fat content - avocado, toast with pure peanut butter, pasta, risotto etc. We did also have to give high calorie formula (only available on prescription) until he was 18 months. So a chat with a GP might put your mind at rest and give ideas.

@Bluntness100

I already have spoken to HV, she said she is really pleased with her weight. She’s back on her birth centile and following perfectly.
I’ve expressed my worries about her being small but she said she’s almost doubled her birth weight which is fine for her age.