I’ve failed at being a mummy :(

[Stargazing81]

My little girl is 6 months old.

I honestly feel like the worlds worst mum.

My little girl was born 3 weeks early as I had Cholestasis and had to be induced.

Breastfeeding got off to a really great start, we did breast crawl and she latched alone.
However on day 5 she’d lost 10% of her birth weight and dropped to 5Lb 15oz.

I was told to formula feed but I didn’t want to do this, so I expressed what I could and gave her EBM cup feeds.

This went on for 4 weeks and she only gained 100g during that time. We saw 7 different paediatricians and 11 different midwives!!!
All told me different advice. It was a very stressful time.
In the end I paid to see an IBCLC and we discovered she had posterior tongue tie which was cut!

She’s gained a good amount since then but I get upset most days at how tiny she is.

She’s still only 12lb 4oz.

My friends baby is 14 weeks younger than mine and weighes 15lb.

Everyone comments on how tiny my daughter is. She’s still in some 0-3 clothes and is just starting to fit into 3-6.

It’s time to start weaning now but she’s so small she looks completely lost in her high chair.
I’ve tried sitting her with me but she shows absolutely no interest in food.
Babies from my antenatal group who are younger are all now on purées and doing great.

I’m following blw weaning.

Babies in my Antenatal group are all sitting up now. My baby is nowhere near! 😔

I just feel like such a failure. I feel like I deprived my daughter in those first 4 weeks and I should’ve just given her formula.
It upsets me how tiny she is and I’m so paranoid about it.

I know this all happened months ago but it’s all very much at the front of my mind and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Because my daughter was born 3 weeks early I hadn’t arranged a cot for her (she has a next to me)

Furlough happened and we’ve just put off buying one.
I’ve finally ordered one and it’s coming next week but I feel terrible that most people are saying they put their babies in then cot to nap during the day so they are used to it, well my baby doesn’t even have one yet.

I know these all may sound so trivial but added together they’re all making me feel like such a failure. 😔

Then don’t beat yourself up op, listen to the hv.

@LifeIsBusy thank you. I will try the group.

You sound like an absolutely amazing mummy to me, fighting so hard for your daughter to get the help she needed.

We didn't buy a cot until dd outgrew her next to me at maybe 7 months. She adjusted to it absolutely fine. She actually often still sleeps on my lap during the day but still sleeps fine in the cot at night time. I really wouldn't worry about the cot thing!

Our high chair still seems too big for my average sized 10 month old. We put her in one of the mamas and papas snug seats for meals
www.mamasandpapas.com/en-gb/baby-snug-and-activity-tray-soft-grey/p/412646801
Is she following her growth curve? That's the important thing.

Please try not to worry, you really do sound like you're doing a fantastic job x

@OfCourseIStillLoveYou yes she’s following her curve.
It just upsets me how small she is.

I honestly just feel like I’m not doing anything right. 😞

I have petite children aswell :) Are you and DH big people? You did excellent and still are, I dont think I ever had one that ever actually fully slept in the cot tbh? Usually ended up in the middle of the bed sleep ing long ways, DH will always end up with the feet end :) How mobile is she? I bet she bombs about, the smaller kids usually do :)

@stairgates she’s not particularly mobile yet. She does a lot of rolling.

Hi OP. My LO was born 4 weeks early. Formula fed from day one. 9 months old and she is small. Friends baby is 6 months old and looks way bigger. Doesnt matter. As long as they are healthy.

Firstly, it is normal for breastfed babies to lose weight in their first few days/weeks. They normally catch up by about 12 weeks, I think.

However your baby does sound very small for a 6 month old. Can I ask, are you small yourself? I ask because it can make a huge difference - my brother and his wife are much shorter and more slightly built than my husband and myself, and their babies were much smaller than ours - they are now all adult but there is almost a foot in height difference between my nephew and one of my sons. This difference was manifest from when they were born.
If your DD is putting on weight, albeit slowly, and she is growing and and developing then there's probably nothing to worry about. You've been seeing medical professionals, and I'm assuming they are happy? Keep an eye on her weight so that you know it's on an upward trend. Be aware that in this heat she might not feel like eating or drinking much but you need to make sure she does.
It's unusual that she isn't interested in food/weaning ,maybe its time to be a bit more directive with that.
As for where she sleeps, that's so not important, other than knowing she's happy. Most be babies would rather sleep with their Mum!
You said you were worried that she's not sitting yet - does she control other movements, try to grab things from you? Google tells me :
Each baby is different, but typically babies learn to sit up unassisted between 5 and 7 months, though some babies take as long as 9 months to fully get it.
It doesn't sound as if you are a bad mother at all, on the contrary it sounds as if you are very aware of issues that might affect your DD and are doing everything possible for her.
If there are issues that seriously concern you, go back to the GP.

Also she rolled for months before moving around.

Well if you'd bottle fed her and she was still small and not sitting up, how would you have felt then?

Parenting is all about choices, we do the best we can at the time. How does it make you a bad parent? You made a choice for good reasons. Whenever you find yourself being emotional and defensive, or comparing yourself or your baby to others, give yourself a little slap and give yourself a little pep talk. You need to stop worrying about it and enjoy your baby!

You're not a failure at all! You're human, and babies don't come with instructions so you're doing the best you can like we all do.

I have a tiny child too . She's coming up for 10 but still fits in 6-7 clothes. She's just naturally slight because she eats really well. And they all develop differently too, my brother didn't crawl until he was 1!

We never got on with cot naps even though I really tried. My eldest was happiest napping on a duvet on the floor while I watched TV .

You're doing great.

Try looking at the BabyBjorn highchair. Fitted my small DS very well and no straps to keep cleaning! Best purchase we've made. It's fairly small so easy to take to grandparents etc and has lasted us through 3 DC and still looks new.

Sounds like you've done a good job to me! The early days and feeding are a minefield. So stressful. There is every chance if you gave her formula she would still be wee. Agree she will catch up.
They don't all fit into the standard 'mould'.
I remember the conflicting advice from healthcare professionals. Difficult and frustrating time.
Dont compare your baby, I bet she's gorgeous! Congratulations!

You are an amazing Mum, babies ( and people ) come in all shapes and sizes, your little one is healthy and doing fine. You're worrying because you care, babies reach their developmental milestones at different ages, try not to compare your little one to others, it really doesn't matter and other Mum's sometimes unintentionally make you feel rubbish because their kid was developing into an elite athlete at 6 months old! We all worry about something, is my baby too chubby/skinny/quiet/active etc. Try and enjoy your baby and not worry, although we all do 😀 .X

OP, for what little consolation it is, I have similar feelings but I have a HUGE baby. To the point that I felt quite embarrassed in the park yesterday - all the children his size are walking, and the children his age are half his size! He’s 8mo and in either 12m+ or 18m+ clothing... he came out giant and it’s very possible I had undiagnosed gestational diabetes, so I worry about his and my future health, what I ate in pregnancy, whether he’s getting enough now, etc.

It’s normal to think about the “what ifs”, but don’t forget that guilt is a pointless emotion. You’re doing a fantastic job looking after your little one, and advocating for her, taking the best care of her. What’s in the past is in the past.

Children’s height and weight are a bell-curve: someone has to be at the top and someone at the bottom, by definition. I’m sure you’ll look back and wonder why you spent all this time worrying about it! Good luck

Don’t be hard on yourself @Stargazing81
My son came 3 weeks early and spent the first 2 weeks in intensive care. He was tube fed, they asked if it was ok to used formula to begin with, alongside any colostrum I hand syringed. Thankfully the midwives were great and let me pump after about a week and I managed to keep up enough so that they dropped the formula. Unfortunately he couldn’t latch properly/very long and they weren’t happy to let him go home until he could. I was desperate to leave by this point so I agreed to bottle feed expressed milk in addition to breastfeeding. Thankfully he took to both eventually.
He was tiny to begin with, and in the baby groups I went to there were 3 other baby girls all born within a few days of each other and my son. They were much bigger than him and rolled/sat up/clapped etc much sooner. When DS was just over a year old I bumped into one when we were swimming. My DS was walking by now and was huge in comparison. Her daughter wasn’t and neither were the others apparently. So your little one will catch up. I know it’s hard but try not to compare her to other babies her age.
Also DS still hasn’t got his own bed as he has always slept with us. I gave up trying to get him to sleep in a cot. He also still doesn’t sleep through the night (he’s 2 now!). The other girls in his group all slept in their own cots and one was sleeping through the night when she was about 3 or 4 months old!
You are doing a great job!

Hi-

I know it's hard but honestly don't worry. My baby was tiny and stayed tiny for ages. Always in clothes several years younger than her age. In fact, I only ever bought new clothes as her old ones were looking tired, she never really grew out of anything! Her first school uniform swamped her and at a hospital visit once they floated the idea of growth hormones. She was always the smallest in her year and the year below. She was a low birth weight and severely asthmatic and in and out of hospital a lot until she was about 6.
She is 11 on Sunday, and this last year has NOT stopped growing. Catching up with her peers and continuously growing out of clothes that she has had a month or so. She has also hot puberty early and has filed out and "looks" like a teenager. If your daughter is healthy in all other ways, I'd really not worry, although I know it's hard.

@Goostacean your post made me smile. Thank you for sharing your experience. They used to say my baby looked tiny.. I have learnt just to ignore everyone now.

OP. I have a tank of a child. I don't say that to make you feel worse. He's very nearly 9 months and has only really cracked sitting unaided in the last week. He's always been on the late end of normal for his milestones so neither me or our health visitor are concerned.
Some people and some babies are just bigger or smaller than others. You've done brilliantly to breastfeed with all the challenges you faced.

I hear you. My DS1 lost 17% of his birth weight in the first week and we ended up back in hospital and on formula top-ups. I spent a lot of time beating myself up - he was bigger than your DD but nobody realised how much he was struggling, and he stayed at the lower end of the weight range for most of the first year.

We struggled with weaning too - I found out when he was over a year old that he had an 80% tongue tie which I suspect was a factor in both.

He’s 5 now and is one of the taller kids in his class, and eats really well, so I hope that reassures you! I spent a lot of time feeling guilty about the tongue tie not being diagnosed, but it is what it is.

But kids are all different, someone has to be at the lower end of your chart, and size does affect other things. My DS2 has no tongue tie and is far more enthusiastic about weaning than his brother was at the same age. He’s also more physically advanced. But he is also 91st centile (rather than 9th), and I feel like that’s got to make a difference!

Don’t worry too much about weaning. She’s more than double her lowest weight, so presumably not far off doubling her birth weight, which sounds standard for six months. She’ll become interested in food when she’s ready. Mine have been very different with food, despite me offering the same things at the same age, and following their lead. Milk should still be her main source of nutrition.

Oh, and honestly don’t give the cot a second thought. DC1 didn’t go in a cot until he was 7 months. Spent more time out of it than in it. DC2 has yet to spend a full night in his crib. Funnily enough, we’ve not sorted the cot yet for him at 7 months (though are about to)...

My first DS was tiny. 2nd centile. I became obsessed with his weight and that I was doing something wrong, there was something wrong with my milk, I wasn't giving him what he needed etc etc etc. He was EBF and fed constantly. Pretty much every 2-3 hours, it was exhausting. Once he started on solids he ate more than any child I knew yet never made it above the 2nd centile. He was still wearing 6-9 month clothes when he was a year old.

My second is enormous. He was born on 50th centile and is now on 91st. He is 4 months old and wearing 12-18 month clothes! He is also EBF, but feeds way less than my first. He sleeps for 12 hour stretches through the night which is something my first could never do because he was always so hungry all the time!

They have both been given the same milk, but each ended up on different extremes of the growth charts. I have no idea why. Different metabolisms I guess. As cliched as it sounds, all babies are different so as long as she is having enough dirty nappies, she is probably getting what she needs. Try not to worry (easier said than done, I know!).