To breastfeed or not ?

[Marphise]

Name changed for this.

I'm expecting my second child soon and considering whether to breastfeed or not, and I'm having a hard time deciding.

I didn't breastfeed my first. There were many reasons but mostly I just wasn't in the right head space to commit to it. It was the right decision at the time and I do not regret it.

For the second I started out as "absolutely not" but I'm having second thoughts and only have a few more weeks to decide.

Pros :

• could be a nice bonding experience with baby
• easier at night and on the go

Cons :

• Feeding every 2 hours with baby at the breast for 45min each time... Feels like I'd spend my days breastfeeding and doing little else

• I don't want to become baby's pacifier and have to breastfeed to sleep all the time

• babies who breastfeed need to feed more often and take longer to sleep through the night. As a single parent, putting the kids to bed is the time of day when I get to relax and I'm not keen on having to get up through the night for up to a year (my son slept through the night at 3 months old, my friend's breastfed baby is still waking up five times a night !)

• I wouldn't be able to leave baby in care of anyone else and catch a break, not even for a few hours. And yes I know about pumping but the whole sterilisation of equipment/bottles seems like a huge hassle.

• I wouldn't be able to eat/drink what I want (I'm really looking forward to a few glasses of wine ! Don't want to abstain for another year)

The health benefit aren't really an argument for me, my siblings and I were all bottlefed and are all healthy and a healthy weight. And I also believe that reluctant breastfeeding is worse than happy bottlefeeding for the emotional wellbeing of both the baby and parent. So I will not factor this in my decision.

One alternative would be to breastfeed occasionally and bottlefeed the rest of the time but my understanding is that once used to breast or bottle babies have a hard time switching.

An option would be to try breastfeeding and stop if I really don't like it but this means the milk coming in and then it's much harder to transition (potential mastitis and/or baby learning to accept the bottle). Last time I bottlefed from the start so milk didn't come in. I'm not comfortable with my breasts as it is and the idea of them getting bigger and/or leaking seems gross to me.

So it feels like I have to commit, one way or the other. If I start breastfeeding I can't just stop. And I can't just breasfteed occasionally (I'm guessing that wouldn't work well with baby and with establishing a supply). The bonding experience tempts me but the impact on my body and autonomy repels me.

My cons list is much longer than my pro list, so maybe that's my answer... And I'm leaning towards "not" at the moment. But still, niggling doubts...

So... I don't know what to do. I go from "hell. No" to "maybe ?" every few days. Anyone been through this ? What did you decide ? Did you regret it ?

Thanks !

I had ds and then Dt as a single parent exclusively breastfed all 3 14 months +
Re sleep ds never slept through till 15months Dt slept through from 6 months.
I expressed with Dt one took a bottle when needed the other point blank refused. Never tryed with ds.
When bf I could cook, supervise ds doing homework, walk round while doing so it doesn't mean you have to be strapped to a chair.
2 out the 3 of mine have ill health however the Dr's all said they'd probably have been much worse my dsis who didn't bf any of hers has three healthy kids my dsis in law didn't bf and has dcb whom have ill health issues.
I found once dc were on solids they didn't need as many feeds and if I went out in an evening for a few hours they really shouldn't need feeding however always left expressed milk, cows milk and water.
Most important thing is your mh as you'll then be a better parent so I think that's the bottom line/deciding factor.

I would add the current situation into the pros and cons, as it isn't going to end soon. A steady supply of formula hasn't been easy to come by for many people. Also, no just popping out to the supermarket for some brand b to try if brand a causes horrible wind. You're probably not going to be going out much or getting much opportunity to leave your baby with others so that thought doesn't carry as much weight as in normal circumstances. The sterilisation aspect of that concern applies even more if you're bottle feeding, btw.

I would be keen to pass on as much of my immunity to a baby just now as I possibly could.
I am also keen on wine and never had a problem having a glass or two after the last feed of an evening It passes out of your milk at the same rate as your blood, I believe.

Feeding every 2 hours with baby at the breast for 45min each time... Feels like I'd spend my days breastfeeding and doing little else
My first daughter only ever fed for about 10 minutes at a time. To start with it was 2 hourly but quickly becomes longer. Don't assume it will be 45 minutes every time, I know very few people who had to do that

You can still drink alcohol just not excessively!

Could you consider combi feeding so you could still have a night off. Also once breastfeeding is established you could give a bottle of formula before bed to help them sleep longer. It can be hard to introduce a breastfed baby to a bottle but if you do it regularly and early enough it can be fine. It's easier if you can get someone else to give the bottle to begin with but as an single parent I assume that wont be possible.

the whole sterilisation of equipment/bottles seems like a huge hassle surely you would have to do this with formula, in fact even more often?

In the middle of a pandemic I'd be doing everything I could to BF. It's always available and protects your baby's health.

Thanks all for taking the time to reply and share your experiences, there's some food for thought.

About the big breast/leaking - didn't happen to me with DS. But then I'm a bit of an outlier in that I get few pregnancy symptoms if any (no morning sickness, no other symptoms aside from weight gain obviously). Obviously it doesn't mean it absolutely won't happen this time but it possible wouldn't if I don't breastfeed.

Re: formula supply ; I have a stash and not in the UK anyway. Here there aren't à thousand brands to try, there's a grand total of two different brands that I know of. So the current situation makes little difference.

The sterilisation of bottles isn't an issue, I did it for DS (with enough bottles to go around you just need to wash/sterilise once a day and you're done). But I've never seen/used a pump and it just seemed complicated I guess...

Maybe I can try to do one breastfeed, one bottlefeed and alternate. I guess how much of a pain it can be depends on each baby and on your own body, so can't know in advance !

I don't know yet what to do but at least I've got more facts to ponder rather than just preconceptions, so thanks again y'all for taking the time to share !

I breastfed through a tongue-tie which was excrutiating and a thyroid problem and pcos (both of which need to be managed otherwise they lower supply). At the beginning it was a lot more difficult than bottlefeeding but by the 12 week mark it was a lot easier. Even compared to those friends who used pre-made formula. And at the moment I am so grateful I persevered because I think I might have had it and the only reason why DS didn’t was because of bf.

By it I mean covid lol

In the middle of a pandemic I'd be doing everything I could to BF. It's always available and protects your baby's health.

Me too!

My daughter wouldn’t latch at all so I expressed everything and fed that from a bottle. Would you consider that?

I think doing a one-bf, one-ff plan would lead to decreased supply and an early abandonment of bfing. I think it would need to be a bit more established first. But I'm no expert.

Breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world, and breast milk is designed for babies. In saying that, breastfeeding can be hard and as a society we don't see it breastfed behaviours as "normal" ie frequency of feeding.

I breastfed both mine, had a hellish time with my first but persevered fir 18 months.

Number 2 was great, fed efficiently and slept through early on.

All babies are different.

I think you should try it but join online breastfeeding support groups so that you can be as prepared as possible!

In the current climate I'd want the antibodies of breast milk and also I'd be worrying about the panic buying of formula, however in saying that things have calmed down on that front!

Good luck OP! Don't put pressure on yourself, research breastfed behaviours and if it doesn't work out we are fortunate to have a safe alternative.

You sound like you're just justifying your want to not do it. So don't.

My experience was: I was totally against bf right up until dd was actually born, I had ready to use formula in my hospital bag. We had a traumatic birth so I felt like she'd gone through so much already, if breast was best I'd give it a go.
It was sore and painful around days 3 and 4 but once we got a good latch and comfy position for us both, it got easier and comfy (albeit still a bit funny feeling on occassion).
My dd was ebf, cluster fed for about an hour in the morning, an hour early evening and an hour at bedtime before sleeping all night. For the first 4 months at least!
So we regularly spent all day out enjoying the sun and fresh air. I definitely didn't feel like I spent all my time breastfeeding. I could feel my tummy being pulled back in as I bf too.

As others have said, you can have a drink or two while bf.

After I established breastfeeding, I also gave my DC a dummy this avoiding becoming their pacifer.

My thoughts on your cons (currently still EBF my second baby):

Feeding every 2 hours with baby at the breast for 45min each time
Right from birth this baby only fed a few minutes each side, max 10. Quickly went to every 2.5 hours and then every 3 hours.

I don't want to become baby's pacifier and have to breastfeed to sleep all the time
I always put baby down awake and did with my first. Breastfeeding gets them nicely drowsy for that.

babies who breastfeed need to feed more often and take longer to sleep through the night*
Not necessarily true. My current has two feeds between 7pm and 7am, one of which is a dream feed. My first started sleeping 10pm to 6am at about 3 months.

I wouldn't be able to leave baby in care of anyone else and catch a break, not even for a few hours
I can only leave for 3 hours max because baby won't take a bottle. So this is true for me but as baby goes 3 hours I can still get a break in theory. Not at the moment of course!!

I wouldn't be able to eat/drink what I want (I'm really looking forward to a few glasses of wine ! Don't want to abstain for another year)
I can, I just time it sensibly and don't drink too much.

It's totally up to you, but I think a lot of your cons don't necessarily apply.

BF all 3 of mine, they were all quite different.

DC1 slept through from birth (11pm-6am) she fed 2 hourly for 45mins, but was my first, so i had the time to do this, was well rested with her sleeping through so i didnt mind. She would also go longer if (3 hours ish) if i wasn't there. Weight loss (mine!) was amazing, back in my pre birth jeans within 2 weeks...and slimmed down two dress sizes in the 13 months her for, whilst eating whatever i wanted.

DC2 - Fed 3 hourly for 10-15 mins tops! didnt sleep through at all til 12 months! same advantages of the weight lose for me.

DC3 - Again 3 hourly feeds 15-20 mins, slept through from 5 months, and again same advantage of weight lose.

No leaking milk really beyond the first few weeks of feeding, found my body regulated what they needed quite quickly.

Alcohol - I still had a couple when i fancied a drink, never excessively, but i didnt feel i was missing out, but then ive never been a big drinker anyways.

I never felt used as a dummy, but them mine all had a dummy as well...before recommended!..but it didnt effect their weight gain and meant my DH could help settle them better.

My main reason for not bottle feeding was that im far to bloody lazy to faff with bottles, and im not the most organised of people, so BFing made packing a nappy bag for outings much easier.

Pre kids i always thought BFing would never be for me! with DC i bought everything needed for formula feeding, but i surprised myself and everyone else when i continued, i just found the fact that my body had grown this amazing being and continued to do so amazing.

Good luck with what ever you decide.

Can I just add in a "pro" since you already have so much good advice for the cons?

Bf means you can instantly calm an annoyed/overtired/teething baby or a toddler who's fallen over. Depending on the personality of your baby this can be a godsend..

Feeding every 2 hours with baby at the breast for 45min each time... Feels like I'd spend my days breastfeeding and doing little else

45 minutes?! Breastfed both mine past 2 and neither one was on the breast for that long. My oldest took 5-8 minutes for a feed and my youngest took 8-10 (he was constantly looking up and smiling 😂).

I don't want to become baby's pacifier and have to breastfeed to sleep all the time

You could use an actual pacifier, distract the baby, rock or walk it to sleep. I have been singing to my oldest since he was a baby to get him to sleep and he’s 5. My youngest and I sing songs together to get him to sleep.

babies who breastfeed need to feed more often and take longer to sleep through the night.

It really depends on the baby. Some sleep better than others. My oldest woke up like clockwork whereas my youngest would sleep 5-6. Besides, once babies hit those sleep regressions, it may change anyway regardless if baby is breast or formula fed.

- I wouldn't be able to leave baby in care of anyone else and catch a break, not even for a few hours. And yes I know about pumping but the whole sterilisation of equipment/bottles seems like a huge hassle.

And making bottles for formula (would have to sterilise though too!), carting a bag of formula bottles every time you leave the house, making sure you have enough , and waking up to go get or make a bottle at night, isn’t?
I wouldn't be able to eat/drink what I want (I'm really looking forward to a few glasses of wine ! Don't want to abstain for another year)

Many breastfed mums still drink. Not like you’re completely going without.

You seem to be making a lot of excuses not too. If you don’t want to, then don’t. Just own it instead of looking for reasons.

A fed baby is what matters!

I loved BF, it was lovely having that time in the middle of the night, just the two of us, cuddling and him feeding it was really lovely. For me, it felt closer to him me feeding him than me giving him the bottle. You can form the same bond without BF, but for me it was a special time.

I did express as well, so my DH could feed if needed.

I worried a lot as DS was only tiny born and never knew how much he was getting, but he followed a lovely growth rate, I still worried though...a lot.

I missed it once I stopped.

I knew I didn't even want to try breastfeeding so i never ever did.

I breastfed my son and he slept through from 12 weeks (with a little gentle sleep training).

I stopped breastfeeding at 9 months and now bottle feed, so I understand both sides of the coin.

With any future children, I will 100000% breastfeed if I can. I cannot tell you how much easier and less stressful it is than bottle feeding. When breastfeeding, I didn't care how much milk he was having, he just fed and that was that. Bottle feeding, everywhere you go you're asked how many oz is baby having, how many bottles a day is baby having etc etc. It's a pain in the arse!! I breastfed but gave my son a bottle from day 3 as he was in hospital for jaundice and they made me top up every feed with expressed milk, so he always switched from bottle to boob with no issue. I regularly expressed milk to give at the bedtime feed so I could ensure he was getting a big feed before bed, and I also switched to bottle feeding by combi feeding for about a month. If you choose to breastfeed and want to combi feed (breast and bottle), i would recommend purely breastfeeding for at least a month to establish a good supply and then you can switch from breast to bottle as you choose.

Nutritionally, I don't think anyone can argue that there is a comparison. Breastmilk is unquestionably the better choice for baby - but I agree with your point that a happily bottle fed baby will be infinitely better off than a reluctantly breastfed baby.

The 9 months I breastfed my baby were the absolute best times and I wish every day that I could've done it for longer. From someone who's done both - I urge you to just try breastfeeding. It isn't for everyone, but you'd rather try and change your mind, than not try and always wish you had. Once you decide not to, there's no going back from that decision.

Thanks again for the different perspectives.

Just to clarify - I'm not looking for an excuse not to do it. Like I said, I didn't breastfeed my first and don't feel guilty about it at all (though people around me definitely judged me silently, heh. See if I care.) So, if I simply didn't want to I wouldn't, end of. I still might not. But I'm curious about what I may be missing out on.

I asked here because I wanted to see if other people were on the fence about breastfeeding, what they decided and whether that worked for them. Also curious to see if people had other pros/cons I didn't think of. I know the theory of breastfeeding but the actual practice not so much. And I read horrible things about cracked nipples, leaking boobs, clingy babies, etc, so it's nice to hear the good and the bad from people who did it.

People have made some good points, the problem is that a lot seem to depend on the baby and your own body ! So it's hard to know ahead of time if it would work out for me or not.

Sleepwise I may have been spoilt by DS, who slept 20h to 6-7am since 3 months old. I'm assuming (hoping very hard anyway...) that DS2 might be like that as well !

Anyway, thanks again, I will let all this simmer in my mind for a few days and see how I feel then.

I tried BF with my first and ended up exclusively formula feeding. I found FF to be perfect for us, which was a huge surprise given the antenatal 'education' I had received. It was much less of a hassle than BF or pumping, my baby and I thrived, we bonded, had lovely snuggly feeds and my DH built an amazing relationship with him amd was just as hands on as me. We had the bottle sterilising and prep down to a fine art. I decided if I ever had a second I would FF from birth.

Well, fast forward a few years and I'm due DC2 in a few weeks. I have had a wobble as everyone I speak to about it tells me to just have a go, it might be different this time etc etc. Having thought about it more though, I definitely don't want to breastfeed so we are going to FF from day one. I have considered breastfeeding for a few days so baby gets some colostrum, but I also do not want to stimulate my milk to come in (it didn't last time hence why I ended up FF but I don't want to take the risk). I have reached out to a friend who is a Lactation Consultant to ask for advice on colostrum harvesting or perhaps hand expressing some colostrum in the first couple of days in a way that won't stimulate my milk so I'm happy to report back and let you know what her advice is! Either way, we will be FF from day one because for our family, it's what works.

I agree that sleeping through is about the baby and possibly the routine not really about the feeding method. One of my DNs was a premie on formula and slept through the night only after 15 months (he had a habit of waking every 3 hours before then). The other DN was a premie born even earlier but was breastfed and pretty much slept from 10pm-9am from day 1 - he didn’t even have to be woken to be fed he just did it in his sleep.