March 2016 - I can't think of a pithy title because I'm too sleep deprived :/

[DomesticAnarchist]

New thread?
Sorry, really couldn't think of something humorous!

Trinpy that sounds horrible. My DH has occasionally lost it (pre-DS, but he once punched a hole in the wall) and it's scared me even though I know he'd never hit me or DS. Send him off to calm down somewhere. Have you got anyone who could take ds1 for a couple of hours today to give him and you a break?

Oh dear, we've had similar moments before. Hugs for you, hope the dust settles swiftly. x

The last bad one for us was catalysed by DS1 dicking around when he should have been getting ready for school and ended with me in tears wondering if DH was going to come home. In the end, I texted him saying something along the lines of how did it get to this? I don't want us to be like this. And he came home, we barely discussed it other than to say "let's never do that again". Everything just got too much, I think.

Oh, and DH once punched a hole in a door. I think he felt pretty stupid after that.

Huge sympathy, Trin. This is at its peak right now, it will be better again. Get CBeebies on or an iPad in front of DS1 or something. Or put him in the shower (my DS1 would play for hours in the shower if he could. And ends up contained as well as clean! And requires slightly less acute supervision than a bath). Do whatever helps to get through this moment.

I'm so sorry to hear that Trinpy. I hope he has apologised???? Be kind to yourself

Thanks. He did apologise.

For background, his dad was quite violent and shouty when he was growing up (not violent towards his mum but smashing stuff up around the house a lot) and everyone still had to tiptoe round him. Dh's brother is/has been similar with his partner and we think possibly physically abusive in the past. Basically their whole family is messed up and it's always in the back of my mind.

And if he tells me 1 more time that he 'knows exactly what its like' for me because he used to look after ds1 when I was working then I'm going to scream. I've done both and looking after a 1 year old for 1-2 days a week is a walk in the fucking park compared with looking after a tiny baby and a 2 year old 24/7 - the night feeds, the tantrums, having both of them screaming for your attention, trying to stop the big one killing the little one. And when they're in bed I've then got 1-2hrs of housework to do just so we have clean clothes, clean plates and a basic level of hygiene maintained.

I hear you, Trin.

Aside from the stress of expressing, I think it's great that your dh is having his sahd time Dom because its the only way dads can really understand what its like.

It is really hard for him too. He doesn't get in from work until 11pm, then ds1 wakes us up around 5.30/6ish. I get the majority of the lie ins. So he's probably only getting 5hrs sleep a night. Meanwhile, in his eyes, I'm getting 8 hours most nights and then spending my days playing with the dcs and maybe sticking a load of washing on. So it seems to him like I've got it easy.

You're absolutely right, Trin. We did similar with DS1 (DH worked in retail so worked weekends and had DS1 by himself two days a week from 5.5 months). It's been integral to maintaining a semblance of equality for us.

In your defence, during term time even before DS2 arrived 5/6 hours was normal here (and probably for most teachers), and so it continues to be for both of us now. I expect your DH has those hours unbroken too. That is the difference.

I know the relationships board regularly recommends people fuck off out for the weekend leaving hapless dad in charge. But I think you should definitely book something in and leave him to it. (Maybe have a transition day or two, as we had, where you're on hand for soothing and feeding just in case, but on those days try to be fairly unavailable).

Does your employer perhaps need you for 4 or 5 days?!

And the pumping is frankly a minor faff when compared with adult conversation and intellectual stimulation!

The thing is (and I always think this when I read the fucking-off-for-the-weekend tip on the relationship s board) when dh had ds1 while I was working I'd come home to be told that Ds had eaten 5 yogurts, half a pack of biscuits and an entire bunch of bananas today.His bedtime was 9pm and he spent most of the day watching TV. BUT dh cleaned the kitchen really thoroughly, no other housework has been done but the kitchen is clean. Because if you're only doing it for 1-2 days you can ignore the housework, let the dcs eat crap and don't do anything with them. Then think 'well I only did this for 1 day and look, how nice the kitchen looks. This isn't so hard.' I think unless you do the shared parental !eave (which we can't do) its impossible to get dads to really experience it.

My workplace currently resembles a post Brexit government (no clear leadership and everything in chaos) so I'm trying to keep away!

You're right. A token effort isn't representative at all.

DH definitely doesn't get it at all. We had a big argument the other night because I was just about to sit down with my dinner after putting DS to bed (DH had already eaten) when he woke up again. I had left the monitor in the lounge with DH and he just shouted to me "Baby's crying!" I said oh thanks for jumping up to deal with it so I can eat my dinner, and he got all shitty with me saying he'd had a long day at work and needed some downtime, I just get to play with the baby all day etc ...

To be honest I don't really mind doing the bulk of the childcare at the moment (even at the weekends and evenings when DH is here) because I only have one and most of the time DS is a placid easy little thing. But what does really concern me is the precedent this sets for when I go back to work! At that point DH is going to be completely used to doing absolutely nothing for the baby and when I'm working it's going to need to be much more of an even split!

I did suggest DH might like to take a month of shared parental leave when I go back, but unsurprisingly he was not too keen!

This is the thing: they think it's piss easy being at home with children until they're offered the chance to actually do it, whereupon they back right off.

I've said since DS1 was 3 months old that childcare is bloody hard, too hard for me to do full time, so I pay a professional to do it for me. (Equally, being a cleaner is hard, and I would pay for someone to do that too except we get by by almost not doing it at all!).

Push the shared leave thing. Even if it's only a few weeks - "they're only little once", they "might never get this chance again". Even if you plan on having more the government might remove the option. They should do it for the sake of equality as well as personal experience. You have as much right to go out to work as anyone. Husbands can't just expect that you'll stay at home, it should be a joint decision. And if you feel your child is too little to be cared for outside the home/by someone else, then shared parental leave is the answer.

I'm also of the opinion that both parents can go a little bit part time, rather than one (usually a woman) going very part time and thus vastly reducing their earning, pension contributions and potential for progression.

However, in our profession we can't get the right whole days off. Sadly.

Oh Trin, what a truly shitty few days you've had. I can't imagine how hard it must be with a baby and 2 year old. My 4 year old is hard enough but would have been much harder at 2. Sleep deprivation can turn the calmest person crazy. I'm glad your DH apologised and hope you can sort out some shared parenting. I have to admit my DP has been really good at sharing looking after both kids, whether I'm working that day or not, but he wouldn't dream of cleaning the house too. He'll do a load of washing and put the bins out but that's about all.

We went out to a family party last night. J was fab all evening, giving everyone huge grins, but was far too overwhelmed by the lights and music to sleep. We got home at 10:30pm and he was wired. Wouldn't sleep anywhere but on me. At midnight I managed to get him down in the Moses basket in the lounge (crib and my bed just reduced him to fits of screaming) so I had a night on the sofa and i was up at 6 to go to work this morning. Both my boys are now snoozing away after their late night.

Trin sorry it's been such a shit couple of days, hats off to all of you with two I don't know how you do it!

I do agree that I don't think The DH get it even mine that was ready to go on strike after my c section meaning he did the horses for 7 weeks and was very quick to offer staying with the baby instead of horse duties three hours on a Saturday morning doesn't really compare to a 12 hour day when she started screaming about 5 minutes in and has done it on and off until they arrive back in the door...

Dom my DH is the one going part time and everyone seems so surprised which I think is very wrong these days!

trinpy sorry I wasn't around earlier, that's just shit. I'm shocked to hear that anyone behaves that way, throwing toys is what you expect from a 2 year old. Grown ups walk away and calm down.

Dom you can't hear me but I'm cheering so loud at your posts today. Babies and small children are bloody tough work, and once I'm not physically required, I will happily pay the pros to take some of that burden while I go back to contributing in the best way I can. And I mean that for me, as I'm a better parent when I get a break from it, and for my family financially, as I'm the higher earner.

Urgh Rhubarb that sounds like a nightmare. Its so much hassle going out sometimes you wonder why you bother going to all the effort! Glad you had a nice time before it all went haywire though.

Dom we can't do the parental leave thing because Dh has just changed jobs so he wouldn't get any pay and he is the main wage earner so we do need his wage. And also really difficult to get part time hours in his job.

Yy me i think lots of men like to think it's super easy and lovely being at home with the dcs but given the option they are strangely reluctant to do it themselves .

I realise I'm making our relationship sound awful! We quite like each other really . And, like I said, I do get the majority of the lie ins and he does try to come home for an hour in the afternoon so he can tidy the house or hoover or take the dcs off my hands so I can have a break. It's not all doom and gloom here.

High-five to TheM!

Trin you're not making it sound bad at all. I expect we can all identify with that end-of-tether feeling (I know I can), and we'll have experienced unhelpful (understatement) partners too.

Do whatever you can that makes you feel better this evening. Fuck the housework, it'll wait till tomorrow.

Thanks Dom (and everyone else who posted today). I really felt like I just couldn't cope any longer this morning and having you all here to chat to has made such a difference .

Right, dcs are asleep so I'm ignoring the housework cracking open the and and binge watching fargo on Netflix. Happy Sunday everyone .

Trin sorry you've had all that shit, very glad to hear you've settled down to be kind to yourself this evening. I love Fargo too.

I also totally agree with Dom. After DS1 I went back full time and DH went part time for a bit. Our friends and family were but it wouldn't have been questioned if it was he other way round. We now both do part time and flexible hours, and I realise we're fortunate to have the option to do so. Once at a toddler group my DH was asked outright if he was a single Dad, the woman said she assumed he must be as he had the children. And worse than that, I recently heard of a dad at a group being asked if his wife was dead!!! Errrrr no, she's just at work!

So parenting fail here today, DS2 is a bit sunburnt despite my efforts to keep him in the shade. So now I'm convinced he will die of skin cancer before he reaches adulthood

Glad things seem a bit brighter now Trinpy. Enjoy your choc and wine!

It is so warm here in the SE. Ds's room is 25 degrees still according to his monitor. I've put him to bed in a short sleeved vest and with his sleeping bag clipped round his shoulders but not zipped up so his legs are out! I planned to zip him up before I went to bed but it's still soooo warm. I suppose he will wake up if he gets cold so maybe I'll just leave him. It's only going to get worse, the weather forecast for Tuesday is 31 degrees!

I was just popping back on to scour mn for hot baby tips. I had put DS2 down in a nappy and his swaddle pod.

Since the sun's set the house has got even hotter (it does this, and I can't work out why) so I went to unzip to get his legs out (like me). Then thought actually I should probably get him all the way out.

But then he's all wriggly and glitching out startling and has woken himself up. I've got a lightweight sleeping bag which is made of poly-cotton (I think) rather than jersey. Do you think that would be better? Or shall I just try to leave him naked like a pampers advert?!

Any other ideas for cooling the house/room?

I love hot weather, but it's too much for a chubby little baby!

Oh no, he's wired now. No sleep tonight...

We have the same 'hot baby' problem. I'm wondering if part of his sleep issues last night was because I didn't put him in his sleeping bag- our bedroom is the hottest room in the house annoyingly. Has been a struggle to get him down tonight too. I've finally got him off of me but he's asleep in between us in bed. Just hope we can transfer to the crib but I can't put his sleeping bag on, he'll swelter. We've got a big fan but it's just circulating the warm air.

I love the hot weather though. Off to a pub with fab beer garden tomorrow. Has loads of play equipment for the kids, and goats and chickens. Meeting my NCT group girls (from DS1 days). Can't wait. I'm also planning to walk there so can play Pokemon Go on route with DS1.