October 2012: onwards, upwards and rolling over?

[YompingJo]

Is this part 5 already? Where did that time go?

squid we found moving bedtime only worked if we did it gradually, 15 mins every 2 or 3 nights so you could try that maybe? Less disruption to move back if it doesn't work then?

5 night feeds last night but only up for 15-20 mins each time except the last but that was 6.30 and dh was moving around getting up for work by then so that's prob why. Really torn on trying a dreamfeed, those of you that have tried it how many nights did you have to do before you knew if it worked? And do you do it with a bottle or breastfeed? It's confusing as on an 'average' night she will do a 5 hour stretch but between 8 and 1 rather than when we'd like. She has woken sometimes at 10/11 and I've fed her but she then wakes at 2-3 hourly intervals, not sure if this is because of the early wake up or if it's just a bad night (sort of chicken & egg scenario!). Or maybe I should just not mess and hope that 5 hour stetch gets more consistant & longer with time (and the end of the 4 month sleep regression fun & games!). I'll probably do the later - lazypants me...

Having problems with dh...is anyone else going through this?

He works verrrrry long hours, self employed. In the beginning he was very philosophical about me being primary carers to DS. He would say himself - it's you that he needs, I will come into my own with him later. When he screamed when he was only a few weeks old, DH would be good at settling him and it was me that struggled.

Now I am used to it. I have a built in comforter (boobs) and i have forced myself to become more patient, less stressy, more relaxed. It's been a battle as I am much less calm and patient than dh.

But recently DS has been going through something - first he was ill with the blood in his nappy, then just generally a fussy period - crying if he wasn't sleeping or feeding. It's wearing, I get that. I get DH is away a lot, misses out on a lot and it's hard but now he's started saying DS doesn't like being with him. We rowed last night - I tried to explain it's not anything against DH, it's just that I am primary carer with in built comforters that DH doesn't have. DH said I was condescending and patronising, and he's lost all confidence and he's useless. I can't tell him anything, can't comfort, can't rationalise - because he knows all this. But equally we cannot afford him to go down this line of thinking. Now he just hands DS to me because he gets really stressed.

We are really good at "naming it" - being stressed, giving off negative energy etc. BUT. I feel like he's copping out. I feel like he should force himself to go through the bad patch with DS screaming to prove to himself he can settle him. It's all contradictory because DH says I just take DS off him but we both agree we can't leave DS to scream.

DH is under a lot of pressure with his business. I get that. Do we - for the sake of DS's calmness - keep me taking him to calm him, or make DH go through a hard period with him to prove he can also parent? Or give him a break but also risk more distance?

Sorry if this all about me. Is anyone else going through something similar?

DH was very hands on but he's started shying away from it because of this fussy period of DS - I don't think he believes it's not him. But we're in danger of a situation where the more he shys away, the more confidence he loses.

I am equal parts sympathetic and pissed off that I am apparently condescending when I am being sympathetic :(

we sometimes have similar issues. now my dh often loss really frightened when she cries on him. all I want to do is take her off him because I know she's crying because of the way he's holding her or whatever.

in many ways I think men come into their own when the babies are a bit older and are running around and chatting and asking questions. art this age they are a bundle of need. of course either mum or dad can fulfil those needs equally but I guess if you're the one spending 24 hours a day with the baby, you do know best.

sorry, not much help. I would Stu he probably should spend some time alone with your ds. I'm also going to try and implement the same. At the moment I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving DH and dd alone for a long period. not because she wouldn't be safe- I completely trust him, and he adores her. but I think he isn't confident and would end up stressed and upset with himself.

We have similar here, DH has no confidence in settling DD if she gets upset, he panics and hands her back claiming she is hungry. So he doesn't loose his confidence all together he looks after her for 2/3 hrs every Wednesday when I go run the Girl Guides. I'm only 500yrds away at the village hall so can get home in an emergency but so far he has copes just fine...because he has had to!

Sleep is slowly improving here, we have gone from a first sleep of around 4 hrs gradually up to 6 but we are off to visit my parents next week and I'm dreading her regressing.

On that topic, has anyone got any tips for a long car journey? It's 10hrs on a good run I'm trying to work out when it's best to leave...bedtime? Middle of the night? First thing? Unfortunately we can't stop half way as we can't leave until after DH finishes work on Friday and have to be there by Saturday night dreading it!!

Lots of developments here over the last few days, proper laughter, feet holding and rolling back to front

Sorry not to name check, on phone. I know I don't post often but reading your stories and experiences is really helping me cope here and making me research things I thought were a lifetime away!! Thank you all!

Really tricky with the DHs. Oren could you try expressing a bottle to see if bean will take bottle from dad? I get so lazy here because it's so easy for me to settle her etc but funnily enough when she's overtired and screaming bloody murder DH is much better and much more patient than me. It does my head in after a while.

Squid sympathy on the bad night. I had a night like that ages ago, totally unexpected, just lay worrying over nothing. In the end the only thing that worked was rationalising that I was in more danger of crashing the bloody car if I didn't sleep at which point I conked out. Think Wooly's suggestion of the 15 mins every few days is a good one. We need to start doing it too but in opposite direction - moving bean a bit earlier. Like you I'm scared to rock the boat now she's just settled again!

I've just started reading 'Weaning Made Easy' by Dr Rana Conway. Would recommend. It details pros and cons and methods of both traditional and baby led weaning. It also helps describe the possibility of combining the two approaches which is what I hope to do.

So I now have a baby who won't settle when she can see me. I put her down for a nap and every time I wander into her field of vision, she shrieks excitedly and starts wiggling and kicking. I have to be at the other side of the room, or at least out of sight, yet sometimes stroking her head for her to settle (which requires really long arms). Not sure if this is good or bad. It's both cute and annoying.

Thanks Angelico. I had a lovely long walk with Jess in the sunshine and feel much better.

Orenishi and others - yup, have definitely been there. I find the only thing that helps is making sure baby and boyfriend get one on one time - preferably when I am NOT in the flat. So either I go out or the two of them do. I don't know how feasible this is if he is working late, etc. At weekends boyfriend often just goes into town with her in the sling to give me a break. His description of walking around town with a baby is "chick magnet".

Anyway this has helped his confidence a lot. He was sayng much the same as your DH a few weeks back.

I can sort of see the logic of expressing so he can feed him too. I used to do more expressing but it's a faff, jess sleeps, and I like breastfeeding these days so I just can't see the point. Might be worth it though particularly if it would give you a bit of catch up sleep too.

cookie monster - 10 hours, ulp. I did 4 a while back and thought that was brave. Might make sense to try it when baby normally sleeps their longest stretch. Give yourself some extra time for stopping at services etc so you won't be too stressed. My 4 hour drive was nice in the end, we stopped half way for coffee and a feed, and she slept for most of it. I recently put some dangly toys on the carseat and now she is generally quiet watching them. (Let's face it, anyone would get bored looking at the back of a car seat for hours on end...)

I haven't posted for a couple of days, but have been reading and thinking of you all.

Oren, I totally understand how you feel. My DH also works long hours. It's not unusual for him not to see DS at all during the week, or just briefly in the morning.
I worry that they won't bond well, or that DH's feelings will be hurt if DS is happier with me etc. Also, I'm a control freak, so find it really hard not to hover and offer "useful" advice every few seconds.
But I think he definitely needs to persevere and do it by himself. Maybe you need to leave the house for a few hours and leave them to it. You could take the pressure off by saying it's because you need a break.
I went out for several hours on Sunday, leaving them to it. DS was going through a growth spurt, so quite unsettled and was crying when I left, but they were fine, great in fact.
Like London, I was more worried about DH getting stressed, losing confidence or hating their very limited time together.
I'm going to make it a regular thing, because I think it's really hard for DH to be in charge when I'm there. Much easier to relax and figure out his way of doing things when I'm not there, he can build up his confidence.

Kind of X-post with Squid, i must having been typing that for hours!

Sorry Oren, I forgot to ask, how is DS?! That must have been very scary for you. Do they know caused it?

Lots of interesting discussions about CC and the like. I personally couldn't do it, but understand why people do. I have absolutely no experience, but feel like it could only truly work when the child actually knows what's going on, maybe as a toddler? I'd also be worried that I'd have to do it more than once because DS's sleep patterns still change so frequently.
I'm just trying to remember that it's still very early days.

Cookie we did a 4 hour trip last weekend. I'd been dreading it but it was actually ok. We stopped about every hour or so because I wanted to feed before he started to cry - DS can go from happy as Larry to starving in seconds!
He slept most of it, so then I was worried he wouldn't sleep at night, but again it was fine.

Cookie. 10 hours is a mighty long journey. We did the journey to my parents (6 hour drive) in two chunks. Two hours at lunchtime (when she would normally sleep) to a friend's house where I fed, played, we went for a walk then did bedtime routine but put her in car seat at 630pm, arrived at 1030, fed, went to bed. It was fine.

For your length of journey I'd suggest doing half after her bedtime then find a travelodge, sleep from 11-6 or so, then do the rest. If you sit beside dc in the back, you can entertain as you go if dc won't sleep. You could feed as you drive if you have expressed milk. Though my sister has been known to breastfeeding as they drove along, bending over the car seat.

Thanks everyone for your responses about partners and the like. I think that one on one time for them is the best solution - I think I am a hinderence right now, whether I intend to be or not. Like you london i was worried about leaving them because of all the mutual stress levels, and like cherry i do tend to hover a lot! I might go swimming on Sunday - think DH has a day off - so could do it under the guise of training myself. It's so hard because I just want to say to DH - I'm here, trying to support you but you make it so hard to support you! He just shrugs off any reassurance or rationale. Struggling with the perceived distance between us - hopefully it will work itself out with a bit of compassion and space.

cherry thanks :) - DS is fine I think. It was a bit worrying but NHS direct were awesome. Not so awesome was the local clinic OOH who turned us away - this place incidentally was the place that said my waters had gone and said it was urgent my baby came out that day. Despite begging for a second opinion, because they don't make mistakes apparently, they insisted the induction went ahead. Two days later my waters broke We ended up at the hospital I gave birth in - it was a bit weird but DS is fine, and that's the main thing. They think maybe a short lived bug because he also had a lowish fever. He seems totally fine now.

How is everyone? I'm so sick of the dreary weather!

Totally agree oreniishi about DH, he finds her crying hard to deal with. Having said that she is clearly very attached to him, I think she'll be a daddy's girl. More one to one time sounds like a good plan. Plus I always make sure he has her in the sling or pushes the buggy when we are out together.

So tomorrow we're going to London! Half-packed (so much stuff to remember). DH has booked the st pancras hotel!!!! Although we have to stay in a twin room because it was a lot cheaper. Looking forward to negotiating train and tube with DD in sling. Any tips from Londoners? Looking forward to our little adventure - even going to try swimming for the first time in the hotel pool.

lost 1 finger post with baby on boob

fucks sake. having a nice relaxing bath and dd starts crying. expected dp to pick her up and comfort her. no no. 5mins later. still crying. not screaming, but generally i-want-a-cuddle crying. i gave it another 5 mins. still crying. cue me getting out of my very enjoyable bath to go and pick dd up, who is laying crying in her gym. with hiccups. DP goes and dishes himself up some dinner. sees that i am trying to calm dd down, feeding her.

"oh. dinners ready"

like i didnt fucking notice shithead.
men dont have a clue do they. tosspot.

lisbeth my thoughts are with you at this difficult time

interestingly enough (sorry just read all your posts) he is really comfortable with settling dd. he is really good at it.
he just doesnt do it unless i point out that i have been doing it all day.

god im so fucking angry. and now my dinners probably cold.

Controlled Crying I think our are too young but no judgement here if your sanity is on the line. We are doing our best.

Angelico I used AuPair World. I now have a friend of the old AP but the jury is out. She is not as good I don't think, but today is only day 3. She is on a 2 week trial and if after that I am not confident to leave her with baby for a couple of hours I will ask her to leave. I can't swim for another 2 weeks anyway.
I need to clarify in my own mind exactly what I need but TBH I'm not quite sure myself. Mental clarity - am I spelling it right?

BTW to any one who could orgasm at the drop of a hat/thinking about it - F**k off. That is all.

Olivess tube advice: avoid the rush hour, stand on the right and for god's sake don't look anyone in the eye or you'll be arrested.

don't blame you for being angry mickey. that is pretty nobberish behavior. do you want me to come round and beat him up?

even the cleverest men are sometimes stupid.

nobbers.