December 2011 - they'll soon be one, put away the <haddocks> and bring out the bunting!

[seven77]

I loved kate's thread name but thought we needed a birthday theme for this one. We'll soon have 6 weeks of birthdays to celebrate!

If DH mutters the words "but Im ill" one more time I will not be responsible for my actions! Another day in bed for him today but still apparently no energy to help with tea time or bath time. Apparently he would still be in the office normally and therefore I normally cope without him and the day off was to recover or he would havebeen at work - somehow he makes me sound like the unreasonable one!

Tell him he's being a huge knob and that he's cruising for a swordfish...

jiggle can you play the guilt card and tell him how much the DCs would love having him help do the bath/story/whatever.

DS is walking (kinda!) it's lurchy and he thinks it's inferior to crawling, but it's very cute.

Work is killing me at the moment- one part (and a small part) of my job has increased 12-fold, ie. we have received the amount in one month that we did in the whole of last year. And I used to have two people to deal with both the volume/day-to-day bits, and the admin work, and now it's just me.
I can't actually get any of my normal work done, and it's made worse by the fact the rest of the senior bods are just leaving it all to me, and not mucking in...nor is my work appreciated

Is your DH normally like this jiggle? If he is, you're a saint, or perhaps too kind! Can you take the kids to any family just for a break? But seriously, unless you're physically incapacitated and unable to get out of bed, the work of parenting goes on.
We're ready with extreme seafood...

How're you getting on MissRee, and Freya? Hope she's not giving you concerns re. dehydration any more- and if she's taking in fluids, I think it's less of a concern. But obviously, any worries and back to the ooh doctor for both of you!

Evening all! I have the day off work tomorrow, so I have another glass if wine whilst I update, and DH has gone to bed.
aethel hats off to you for getting organised before a move. ...I was pg, and that's my excuse!
figgy nice one re:walking progress. And I had something else to say but (because of the wine perhaps) I vcan't read it. Oh maybe blockages due to milk. BOi's poops are very solid all of a sudden, and we have 3 a day. I've only substituted the afternoon feed to cows milk so far, but I have no other reasons. ...apart from the interminable, never- ending, all-enduring snotty cold, and he's dribbling loads more too... Ah - there are my reasons!
jiggle pls indulge us with your self-indulgence. It will help you to get it off your chest, and this thread is group-therapy. We often suffer similar symptoms, and it helps us too.
I remember aged 9 not being invited to one one my best friend's bd parties. And I believed, even at that age, that her dad - a teacher at my school- didn't think I was good enough, that I was too common. (This was on a time before soft play, when all parties were at home). All my other friends were invited.
She didn't come to my party, declined the invite, and sent a silly toy. It bothered me at the time, but not much, but I still remember it. -it gives me great pleasure to know that I am far better educated and employed than she is. - not against her, you understand, just for her pompous idiot of a dad - who's house, incidentally, is a third of the size of mine.
missree sympathy on the gastroenteritis! -this is where we need French over-prescribing doctors! I succumbed to it once on holiday in France, got put in hospital on a drip for one night and was right as rain the next day. Good luck!
xiao I hear your permanent snot and raise you 373 days of snot and coughing!
We have plastic toy-age. I don't mind it so much, but the infuriating goodbye jingle when it's been left alone for 2minutes... Argh!!!!
Nairobi?
What news do I have?
Well, I tool Monday off work, did ally Christmas shoppi, and spent time with BOi. The disaster came later in the day when DH was cleaning the fishtank. Crash.
So we now have to buy a new fishtank. That'll be our Christmas present then. It arrives tomorrow.
I had a great day at work today. Got loads done.
I have weds and Thursday off. I'm going in on Friday morning, then that's it until January.
Which reminds me. We received a gift for BOi's bd, a noisy book, great, he loves them, but in it "until" is spelt incorrectly! Untill. (In books of approx 50 words, there really is no excuse!!!)

We have a musical talking Christmas teddybear from great Granny. It's very sweet and the DDs (and DS) love it. It has a one minute story in breathy received pronounciation about how "all the bears in Honeybear village were INCrrrediblt excited about Christmas coming", with a carol jingle in the background. It's twee beyond belief, and is being played a LOT. i suppose it's better than Billy Bass (if you remember him...)

for Northen, sounds like your work is just getting tougher & tougher.

for Mr.Jiggle, hope he starts behaving himself soon.

MissRee, is she drinking/eating more now? Hope you're both better soon.

Congrats to your friend mopsy, hope you find a dream job in the new year.

Still pregnant here, going for the scan on friday, had some spotting earlier in the week, but it's gone now.
DH has been a star & done practically everything the last few weeks, he's off work from tomorrow so hoping DS stops screaming himself awake every night soon.

Aethel, sounds like an awesome bear! DS was given a plastic tat guitar (we've been opening a present a day as he was overwhelmed when he saw some of them) & it randomly goes off hours after he's stopped playing with it. Scared me yesterday.
I quite liked Billy Bass

Did you lose any fish Oi or are they none the wiser?

Working from home today so I can go see DS at lunchtime his Wednesday toddler group r having a Xmas party today with soft play, music with mummy and Santa so thought would go see him

Just counted his bday/Xmas presents from weekend after his party from friends and he has 15 presents that's before ours, GPs and aunt/uncle presents we r going to drown in wrapping paper come Saturday!!

Yes we are going to Kenya on Christmas Eve and flying back New Year's Day, then moving house Jan 5th!! Can't wait. We're bringing the pram and car seat and borrowing my aunt's travel cot while we're there.

jiggle I did post on the sleep thread but our "gentle" sleep training method:

• full bedtime routine (bath, brush teeth, mega huge cloth nappy, story, breastfeed/bottle, down in cot still awake)
• walk out of room, wait to hear air-raid siren wail behind me as door closes
• set iphone timer for 5 mins, sit in kitchen with DH making desultory small talk and preventing each other from going back before 5 mins is up
• go back in, pick up DS who by this time is going bananas and jumping up and down screaming
• settle on shoulder, sing/hum/drone until he has stopped crying but not asleep

REPEAT AD NAUSEAM.

I get so angry with him too and DH and I go in alternately to spread the frustration. It does mean that both of us are awake at the same time and exhausted in the morning but that's far better than resenting both your kid screaming and your other half snoring away. We stand outside the door together or sit in bed together until it's time to go in again. I'm the one working at the moment and DH is on holiday but we still do this - yes in theory as the SAHP he can nap in the day but as we all know this never happens in practice so I get up too.

I was a bit more polite on the other thread but honestly unless your DH has an alternate strategy that he is willing to carry out on his own, he can support you and share the load 50/50 or he can fuck right off. He cannot undermine what you're trying to do and then also expect you to sort it out after he's fucked it all up being inconsistent. Can you sit down with him at a neutral time and have a "family meeting" about what he thinks should happen?

Re: sickness. My DH had seriously pathetic hypochondriac tendencies but over the years he has improved because I am totally unsympathetic - anything less than the plague means bed, in the dark, no books/phone/computer, and extra-strength Lemsip/Beechams every 4 hours (I used to have to stand over him to make him take this - so childish) and after 24 hours a GP appointment. This has massively reduced his taking the piss and lolling in bed because he knows a GP would laugh him out of the surgery for wasting NHS resources.

We only have two mahoosive goldfish. And they are currently residing in a big plastic drawer. They seem ok. The new 60 litre biorb life tank arrives at lunchtime. Then we have to set it up and wait 24 hrs before introducing fish.
Did I say already that the tank has taken the place of DH and I'd Xmas presents? Joy untold.

Also I'm looking at the 5:2 threads over on the weightloss section and am seriously thinking about trying out this alternate fasting thing, the one that was profiled on Horizon by Michael Mosley a couple of months ago.

Read a couple of articles from New Scientist and Scientific American and it looks really interesting.

DH really does think his behaviour is justifiable and that I need to change my behaviour and there is no way of getting him to see otherwise. I left Freya to cry last night as going in and out was making it worse. Despite me saying could he leave me to it he went in and picked her up - what was good was that it settled her but when she wakes in the night it is me who has to get up so I think she needs to know how to settle herself for then - I will try explaining this to him again but he is excessively hard to communicate with.

I received a 3 page of A4 letter this morning from DH - just a list of criticisms basically. The first page was complaining how horrible I was to him when he was ill and that most partners would make them food and show they care etc. It then went on with various other complaints , including stating how between 9 and 330 my life was definitely easier than his as DS is at school (DS actually finishes earlier than that which shows how much he knows) and that he admires how I can do all the day to day household tasks as frankly he and most men are bored to tears by them! Gee because I just get so much joy and satisfaction out of washing, shopping etc etc. He genuinely does not realise what a knob he is.

But.. I am too scared of going down the separation route and have no money of my own since buying the house etc and the disruption to the DCs so not sure what the way forward is. a lot of the time I just ignore him but that is not great long term I know.

Oh sweet jiggle, it doesn't have to be this way, it really doesn't. Have you considered Relate or similar? That could help with the communication issue which sounds like it's at the root of the problem.

jiggle That sounds tough. If your 'H' doesn't want to go to relate I think maybe you need to really think if you want to be with him if he makes you this You can do it on your own. I have before

Thing is I know I could do it on my own as I do 90% of the parenting anyway but is that best for the DCs? when I have said before to H (albeit in an argument) that I would happily separate as life would be easier he got really angry and said that there would be no way he would leave the house or I would get the house or the kids and I know he would make things really difficult. I still keep thinking that in the long term things will be better and this is just a small portion of our lives but I do often think - "is this it". I dont really think I love him anymore but it may be that I just dont like him at the moment. I really don't think I want to go through the whole separation thing and to be honest my life day to day is fine when he is not around!! I have thought about Relate or similar before but there is no way H would talk to strangers about stuff. He struggles with expressing himself generally.

Jiggle, if you're sure you don't want to leave now, could you give it 4-6 months, write down every little incident (including all the ones DC are present for) & see if you still feel the same way?
What's best for your DCs is a happy home, be that with two parents or one.
If he's not been like this forever/a long time it could just be one of the shitter stages to your life, and you'll just have to ride out the storm.
However from what you've posted, I would guess the biggest problem is he doesn't respect you as a parent or partner?
As he's not listening to you at the moment, would a bigger gesture like taking off your wedding ring or a trial seperation make him look at the problems/unhappiness he's causing you?

Much sympathy jiggle, though I've no clever suggestions, xiao's idea of Relate may at least get him to listen and acknowledge it can't be 100% all your fault (he does sound rather self absorbed, I'm afraid, for some people it's always someone elses' problem) my friend did Relate and the facilitatiors aren't there to be talked "to", tyey are more like neutral parties to encourage you to talk to each other...

I've had a very virtuous morning off clearin out the garage and attic and done a big trip to the dump. So am rewarding myself with a rare trip to Wagamama where I shall luxuriate and eat yaki udon all by myself. Then picking up dS from childminders and then heading back there later for the christmas singalong party (it's really sweet).

oi, I'm sorry but I have a vision of your goldfish laying on a psychiatrists couch saying "I don't know what happened doc, it's like my whole world CHANGED somehow...."

Jiggle another one sorry to hear of your H stress, i have been in that boat tearing my hair out and just wanting him to quite frankly Fuck off and not come back and that i wanted to be on my own but i can see now that was a stage and things are better again. I hope it is the same for you but he needs to be willing to talk about it and work through your issues that is what has made a difference with us.

oi i wont tell dh about your fish situation he would be winging his way to you to do a fish intervention and rescue them, hope they survive the new tank transfer.

Well went to see DS he was loving it only managed to stay until lunch and so missed Santa my CM has just sent me a picture of him sat on her knee getting his present from santa not a good time of the month for that the hormones have meant i feel like my heart has been ripped in 2 and actually cried......i am his mum and should be taking him to see santa (much in the same way i was when she sent me a pic of him on the swings).....massive working mother guilt wave DH is shaking his head at me like i am a mad woman........which i clearly am ....What a plonker!!

she has also just called to say he his new found walking attempts have ended in disaster and he has fallen over and bashed his face good and proper, I dread to think the state he will be in when he gets back if it was bad enough for her to phone us.

jiggle has your H categorically refused to go to Relate with you? I can imagine if you asked him "do you want to go to relate" he would say no. But maybe if you tell him you've booked a session and a babysitter and he can come or not, you'll go alone if he doesn't come, maybe he would come along just to see what happens.

I don't know what is best for your DCs. But Gary is right: staying together is not always the best thing for the kids.

Not to use my DH as an example again but he has said many times since that it was better for him and his sibling to have one not-unhappy parent (his mum) and one unhappy one (his dad), in different tiny houses, than two unhappy ones in the same big lovely house.

He knew from when he was 11 that his parents were just staying together "for the sake of the children". He said the atmosphere was so awful at home that it affected all of them - there was no shouting or screaming or crying, just a sort of mute dull blank lack of happiness. It has definitely had long-term consequences - my lovely SIL didn't say a word (to me or to anyone else) the first two years I knew her, except to her closest friends, and DH was stuck in a co-dependent white knight relationship for years because he had no idea what a healthy relationship should look like. I could go on. DH ended up a few years later reading his dad a letter he had written through the keyhole of the bathroom, pleading with him to move out.

Jiggle I can't believe he has written you a letter of complaint! [Shock] that is so rude and just crap! I don't really have any advice, but you aren't a bloody slave!

Oh Jiggle i'm sorry your DH is being an idiot. Only you know what's best for you and your DC but it really doesn't have to be like this for you. Was he like this before DC or is this new for him to be behaving like this? Please don't let his criticism get to you, it seems like a very manipulative way for him to be communicating.

Figgy I love that fact that your DH would want to do a fish intervention, made me grin.

Just finished my last day of work before Christmas so am officially on holiday! Got a Christmas card and calender today that DS 'made' at nursery, he splodges paint well

Adding my sympathies jiggle. Can you get away for a break sometime? or do something dramatic like leave H with the DC's for a day so he can see what you actually do?

Pretty good day here. DS had his immunisations this morning and was a very brave boy. The nurse said she wished they were all like him . Then we had our appointment with the dermatologist who has prescribed some greasier emolient, some hydrocortisone and some special bodysuits and leggings. She's also recommended some shampoo for us to buy. Fingers crossed DS will soon be clear of his sore dry skin!

Then we went to the village school this afternoon where the children were having their party. The tots were invited along for Santa's visit and each got a present to put under the tree. It was all very cute.

DD had her Christmas party at nursery today, DH has his work one tonight. When I was tucking DD in she said: "What games is Daddy playing at his party? I played pass the parcel at mine"

Thanks for your words of supports ladies. He has always been somewhat like this - struggling to deal with conflict and to express his ideas but at the same time always convinced he is in the right! The DCs have made it worse as he feels his life has been "ruined" by having children. He loves them and plays with them but has little time and energy for doing the things her would like to be doing in life like cycling, sailing, skiing etc so he has become rather bitter and cynical, whereas before he did have a very nice side to him too. I am hoping it is just a difficult phase. I also have a great deal less patience with him now than I did and obviously need him to do more than he used to as well.

On the positive side I have explained I feel Freya needs to learn to self settle and I would let her cry. If he is not happy with that he needs to deal with it. He is currently trying to settle her (albeit rather unsuccessfully at present). basically she has fallen into the habit of sleeping for 45 mins from 7pm and then waking up and being a nightmare to resettle.

kate - I have escaped for a couple of weekends (1 night) away in the last 6 months but he takes the kids to his parents and his mum does everything!

Oh jiggle, not what you need in the run-up to Xmas. I know it's one of the triggers for people behaving oddly, so I don't know if his behaviour's been exacerbated by it (ie having to do the 'family' stuff which he's not into)?

It must be tough for you having to parent with someone who's not as supportive as they should be, both of you and the DCs. If you're thinking about it, I'd go and get some legal advice- you don't have to act on it, but you've got it in your back pocket if you need it. If you're the main carer of the children then I'm pretty sure you would 'get' the house and kids, although it would be shared parenting and you'd be the resident parent. If it's his empty threats that are scaring you, I'd get the advice just so you know what would actually happen if you split up.

MissRee, are you OK and just suffering (iyswim!) or are you/F having medical attention again, I'm worried we've not heard from you....

So excited for you GBT, and fingers crossed for Friday. I hope the you're not too nervous about it, and all is well- can't wait to hear.

Good for you aethel on the clear up, and I hear you on the treat of Wagamama, that's a total treat for me too! How's it going with the surveyor?

How's DS's face figgy, is it spectacular? Hope he's OK.

We too have a large collection of splodged things BJR, it's WONDERFUL! Decorations, placemats, ornaments- we'll have to share them out with the GPs