FEB 2010 Coming on in leaps and bounds and little steps

[InmaculadaConcepcion]

Where did our babies go?!
Anywhere and everywhere, the moments our backs are turned!!

S'okay SB - we get loads more public holidays here than in the UK, we won't begrudge you Whitsun weekend

LBH I now mostly drink at lunchtimes when I do drink - for the same reason as you, my sleep goes to crap if I drink alcohol in the evenings. Lor' knows sleep is precious enough.

PA what a bummer to work on a holiday! In my previous career I used to have to do that a lot and I always harboured a certain amount of resentment about it.....

LBH That last sentence sounded worrying. You don't have to do anything! Hope you get some nice sleep.

Yes I do. (Swallows pride) Never enjoyed sex, due to my insecurities and inability to let go and switch my bloody head off. No man would have a relationship without it. I cant beleive I am typing this. I have always felt like I am missing something. Like a sex drive for instance. God, if DP ever knew this, it would kill him. I just have got used to going through the motions.

I understand that, to be honest it takes me a long time to get round to wanting it. I normally set aside a week to get back into things and there are normally a few nights of stalled starts (DH never expects stuff to happen just because things might have got started). There are men who are happy without, who are happy to do everything but (which has always helped take the pressure off), it is never a right. Men should be wanting to make you happy as well (and too many don't even think about it). Also if you're not happy in other parts of your life then of course that will impact the bedroom and no-one should assume business as normal or expect they should get some. The other ladies are better at this than me.

You're pride is still intact, don't you worry. You're still the same lovely person you were when you first ever posted :)

Bless you PA thanks. DP hasnt a clue. I have got so used to performing that I end up going through the motions. So I have made a rod for my own back. Because of my insecurities over the years, I always have made sure that man has had good time so that he woudn't notice what I looked like and liked me. I know all the answers in my head, but cannot practice it.

A good friend of mine puts it well and I have tried to remember it.."all men see and care about is tits and a hole and they are just glad to be there!"

Sadly, I just cannot let go. Sorry this is too much info. I will shut up now. I really know I need to see a councillor, but I know what they will say. Alcohol, is the only way I can ever do it. And as for sex in daylight. NEVER.
Sad but true.
God I will regret spilling this tomorrow.

You can't regret nothing, because none of us feel any differently towards you.

What would a councillor (sp?) say, even if you 'know' it does help to have a outside person say it. Unfortunately it's never a quick fix, if a fix at all, just about trying to give you the tools to start to see things better for yourself. I agree that you have to be ready. I went once, but refused to say anything so after a few months we parted ways and I went back when I was actually ready to talk. Opening up to DH helped (wasn't with him the first time) and it's amazing how much better things are because I was actually honest with him. Every relationship before him I could never get close because I was always putting on a front and too afraid to let them know the real me. With DH whatever I've told him, he's just turned out and told me that he loves even more. They are out there. Although we only got together and past the first but, because I was rather drunk and told him before we went back to his place (classy lady that I am) he should know x, y and z and he told me that made him want me even more. So, for once, I didn't have to put on a front as I did it at the very start.

LBH listen to PA's very mature answers. She is right too we don't think any less of you.

LBH PA sorry to hear you've had difficult times! There is absolutely nothing wrong with either of you or anyone else for that matter. I think it is all down to good communication and a certain degree of compromise - unless there is such a difference in sex drive between two partners that it leads to resentment on both sides. I don't think it's just men wanting 'it' and women not. I was once in a relationship where dp was not particularly bothered and the entire time we were together we never went all the way (and no, he wasn't gay). I've been with dh for over 16 years now and I think part of the fact that we are still together is due to being very well matched in terms of sex drive so that it's not even a topic we need to discuss because we have the same expectations.

Seconded, LBH.
PA speaks truly and from the heart.

What is sad LBH is that your own insecurities have got in the way of your own ability to let go and feel pleasure.

Have you tried CBT? They wouldn't try and analyse why you feel the way you do, but would help you "re-programme" your responses so they don't impact on you in a negative way.

I don't think any the less of you either.

to LBH and PA

This thread is an escape where we can all share our insecurities, problems and concerns (should we want to) without having the worries of been judged. (This is the way I feel anyway)

LBH how you feeling today.

I got a lovely morning present from DD: a kick in the eye and it really hurt. Does anyone else's feel, quite persistently, that you need help in feeding yourself. She can be rather forceful and I have to say, a slice of toast that has had all the topping licked off is not really what I fancy.

Also naps. How many is everyone else having? I think she might be dropping her morning one. We still put her down then (and late afternoon actually) as she gets grumpy but laying there for 20 mins having a rest helps even if she doesn't sleep.

dd2 knows a new word since this weekend: 'nass' (wet). Honestly. I don't really like hot summers but this is ridiculous. We are in the Midlands and it did not stop raining at all today and is only 12 degrees. Another old furniture log fire tonight I think (hands out for those who can face it...).
She's also sneakily learnt a few English words and shouts 'Nice!' in a hopeful way whenever she sees something she fancies (esp. biscuits, banana, yoghurt...).

No feeding mummy here but she is very good at feeding herself and will not accept any help (which can be tricky with things like cuscous or rice). I found that pasta plates from Ikea work really well because the rim is just the right angle for her to get things on her spoon but not push it over the edge.
She only has one nap a day from about 12 ish to 2.30ish and is then back in bed right now (6.40pm). Get up time at the moment is after 6 if I am lucky... I'd prefer her to go closer to 7 because I am not sure I can be classified as human before 7

Forgot to say, I really like dd2's initiative... She dragged dh's jeans across the floor of our bedroom today and shoved them in his face . Not so subtle way of telling him to get up and make breakfast. And no, I did not coach her to do that

DS naps once a day. Weekday at nursery it's after lunchtime for anything between 40mn to 1& 1/2 hour. Weekends it around 10am ish for 50mn.

I have to remind myself to have food at the same time of DS but he is quite good in force feeding me anything from a rice cake to a piece of fruit; sometimes pushing it into my mouth.

sc at your DD2 message to your DH

Forgot to say, DS happily feeds himself, the force feeding is just for sharing!

yeah DD brings us our trainers when it's time to go out . She has also taken to pulling her bike and crying/kicking if we don't go out on it, so she normally gets her way and we go round the block and out in the buggy for longer excursions.

It's pretty impressive what they can get through a closed mouth isn't it SB

Do any of you hear things your LO can't possibly have said? dd2 has said 'I don't know' yesterday and 'right there', 'what's that' and 'look there'. Apart from the last one I am sure I was hearing things because she is not that advanced despite using quite a few German baby words.

Maybe she did do a few flukey phrases, Soc? She's very good at the talking, your DD2. And how excellent that she hassles your DH out of bed

PA we're still on a mid-morning and mid afternoon nap here. The morning one is usually between 1 and 1.5hrs and the afternoon one about 30-40 mins. DD has been known to drop her morning nap, but when she does, she tends to go into meltdown by about 12.30, which means she then needs to ideally sleep for 2.5 hours so she won't be too tired by bedtime (19.30). The trouble with putting her to bed early is that DD won't usually sleep much more than 10.5 hours overnight, which would make waking up time before 06.00 which I'm anxious to try and avoid..! So I'm happy to keep two naps going for as long as she needs them. I rather suspect we'll be down to one nap within the next couple of months, though.

Out of the blue the other day DD picked up a spoon and put the business end of it in her mouth, which is the first time she's done that. I gave her a spoon later on that day and she repeated the trick. She's still a way off being able to feed herself properly, but it's heartening to know she's now getting the idea. Coincidentally (not), the frequency of hair-washing has gone up again....fancy that?!

DS can takes his daddy's slippers into the living room and tries to put them on! He can also takes his slippers and trainers off with his socks and looks very proud of himself once noticed by me or DH.

IC she'll feed herself quickly if she knows how a spoon works. i had to give the spoon / spork away quickly because DS wanted to be in charged a few months ago but even now if he's tired, he'll be happily fed. It does get messier but I guess it's part of the learning curve! I wash DS before dinner so it's a quick wipe if needed after

Naps: As said earlier we're on one a day (various time) but the bed time is either the same (6pm ish) or a wee bit later but wake up is still around 6.30 am (fine weekday but I enjoy a later wake up call at weekends if I can).

Lovely 'log' fire burning here including an old spice rack, a mug tree (anyone still uses one of those?), bits of butterfly tree (the beast grows like weeds and has to be cut down once a year or else take over the street), and I think I just saw a part of a wooden play pen go on....

I love dd's cheekiness. She will head for something she is not allowed to have, looking back at me with a cheeky grin saying 'nein nein' and shaking her head, and still go for it!! But generally it is nice she understands so much more. She used to get very cross with me when I filled the dishwasher and would not let her empty it. Now if I tell her that it hasn't done 'wooh wooh' yet she will nod wisely and find something else to do . She is a little bossy when dd1 or I use the bathroom and likes to demand we do a poo (ideally inspecting the result...). Seems a little put out when we don't perform or won't let her check .
Oh and she managed to make both myself and dd1 gag when she ate a slice of cheese and did a huge sneeze all over it, making the bit of cheese drip.... (hope none of you are eating)...

LBH I really feel for you. Definitely don't think badly of you though, just sorry you've never enjoyed sex. Personal question and don't think you have to answer if you don't want to but can you enjoy it if you do it yourself? I do think that you should talk to DH about it, and maybe go for counselling together rather than on your own? Communication is the foundation of a relationship, I think and if it's not there then you are on shaky ground. (un-MN hugs).

We are at the in-laws in Norfolk, just having brekfast before driving home. It's been nice but DS just won't sleep here. They bought a cotbed before this visit so I was hoping it would be an improvement but no. At least I got a couple of hours lie-in this morning from 6 til 8 after he got up.

We have been on one nap for a while now, usually 12 until 2 or 2.30 - he has lunch at 11.30 then goes down. Before that he was taking a very long early nap and then refusing pm nap but being overtired by bedtime so we pushed the morning nap back.

When we get back I'll be busy until Sunday doing last minute things and cooking for our street party. I am a bit nervous because I'm the main organiser and I really want it to be a success.

Hi everyone I had a lovely two days in Paris which now seem to have happened several years ago! It was utterly amazing lying in bed until 9am and then having a long, lazy breakfast either in our room or down in the restaurant with the papers. And all the rest of it was amazing too, the weather was fantastic - 27 degrees and sunny! - I read a whole book and started another, and put on 3lb most of it sourdough - I just love it. My sister was in awe at the amount I ate. It made me realise that my impression of what is a 'normal' appetite has been badly skewed by pregnancy and then a 15m of BF.

DD and DH got on fine without me....! She called for mama at bedtime but that was it apparently. The house wasn't even too much of a tip when I got back Sunday about 5.30pm. I'm not needed! I'll go away again! (I am in fact, in four weeks time )

I took the opportunity of not feeding her for two days, to finish BF finally The week before I went, she'd been really crying at the breast again, I assume because so little was coming out, and I thought even though I don't want to finish, maybe it's kinder to her to cut it out. So no BF Sunday night when I put her to bed and she didn't even ask for it She was very grizzly last night, and I nearly caved in, but didn't, and she finally went off. I don't know. I feel really sad about it but I have to remind myself that the reason I finally chose to stop was because it was upsetting her. And it is good to wear a non-nursing bra for the first time in over a year!!!

Naps: DD has an early morning nap about 1.5 to 2 hours after she wakes, for 45 mins to an hour, an an early pm nap straight after lunch for the same amount of time. I have no idea when we will cut out the morning nap, she seems so tired and ready for it even though she's sometimes had 13 hours in bed Not sleeping through though

Oh yeah she slept through for DH of course I said I'll just stay in Paris, you can look after her!

Abs glad you're ok! Looking forward to hearing more when you have time.

SG glad you're ok too. Any idea what has brought on the sudden burst of energy? (Picking your brain for tips) How long do you have left now?

LBH please don't worry about being open on here. No one thinks any the lesser of you. My small words of advice would be, if DH has no idea that you don't enjoy sex, see someone (councillor, CBT therapist or whomever) without him first. Also I'd echo whoever said that sex drive is very, very linked to emotions (esp. in women) and so if you have other things bothering you it's not surprising your sex drive is low. Also don't discount the massive tiredness of having a young child... Good luck with speaking to someone. Have you tried your GP first?

What an essay. I'd better go I have to get washing on the line before DD wakes up (I hope). for everyone, sorry I missed the party the other night!

Scones BC PA IC SC LMA Thanks for your advice and support. I feel a bit now. I have barely told anyone any of this stuff before. It is true what they say about alcohol loosening the tongue. BC the answer to your question, is no I dont/cant do that either.

The waiting list for CBT is so ridiculously long so looks as though if I want councilling, I will have to pay. I feel I have so many issues, that it will be like opening the floodgates.

Anyway, I am loving reading all your posts. IKWYM about spoonfeeding and hairwashing. We have had porridge up the wall too.

Scones Glad you had fun in Paris.

As for naps, DD needs two. The morning is too long without one. Although I tend to give her 15 mins in the car on the way somewhere. She fights it if I put her in her cot. If she slept till 6.30 or 7am (as if) maybe she would get through the morning.

Today she said "Tiger". Still no "mama or mummy" She even says Ruby to our cat.

Anyway of to bed now. Work tomorrow and I feel a bit under the weather.

Thanks again all.

TMI alert
LBH I also struggle in that department, maybe we could try sex counseling as well at some point . I read somewhere that a piece of advice is take yourself to your bed for 45 mins a day not sure where that luxury is going to come from, but DH is on board with me and it's something we plan to address at some point. I do have fun, but can never quite finish.

A rough day for me, my fucking boss came in yesterday and I now feel wiped. Need to get through this review on Thursday and atm I feel able to take all my leave. Am worried he will try and dock my pay though.

Well DD the last two days went back to morning naps at the normal time. Yesterday she didn't really eat anything (even offered milk) so something (hopefully teething) is up.