Do you ever feel that you 'live in your head' and that real life can never quite meet your expectations?

[BridesheadRegardless]

Not sure if this is the right topic for this, or if I will be able to really express what I mean, but I'll give it a go.

I feel that I 'live in my head' too much, and I know this means that I miss really fully enjoying and enagaging in life.

I love to plan. I am always planning; christmas, holidays, parties, what I'll wear what I'll cook, etc etc. I get great pleasure from planning, but no events ever quite live up to my expectations.

For instance: I have nice holidays, I love being on holiday, but I always have a feeling that the best part was looking forward to it and then thinking of it afterwards, and I know this means I am actrually really missing the moment.

I'm always planning the next thing, or nostalgic for times gone by. (I love oraginising photos and memory boxes etc).

Also, Christmas has got me thinking about this. I've always been aware that when people are asked about chritmas they usually/often reply 'oh it was really lovely, we relaxed and played with the kids, had a great rest.' I tend to think, yes mine was fine I did everything that you seemed to do, i know that it was good but I can't quite feel the wonderfulness of it.

Does anyone KWIM??

I'd quite like to explore this idea, see if others can relate to it and explain it better than me, and also suggestions for ways of really appreciating the moment more.

I'm so aware of time passing and my boys growing, I sometimes feel a huge sadness that it will all be gone and I won't have appreciated it enough at the time.

Anyone else??

I thought Mn was the other place where I spent my time away from my reality, so thought they'd be lots of others here who'd noticed this tendency in themsleves too...?

Hi Brideshead,

I know what you mean, to a certain extent. I am similar, except that in my case I don't plan so well (I'm impulsive, which isn't a good trait!) so I have a constant feeling of needing to enjoy every moment, but not achieving that enjoyment, and that life is passing me by somewhat and I'm not making the most of it.

I'm rambling. I wasn't expecting to engage in philosophical discussions tonight

Your post did remind me of a conversation with a friend of mine, who also has young children. She too is a relentless planner, but feels a little different because she never gets excited about anything. Her emotions are always on a level - no real extremes of happiness, sadness, or anticipation. She is generally happy and fulfilled and has a lovely life. She just doesn't get madly excited about holidays, new jobs etc. She had a somewhat difficult upbringing (mother died when she was small, raised by a willing but rather detached father) so she's concluded it's a defence mechanism from her youth.

Dunno if that helps, really..

Hi Manna, I do get excited about things but then feel they were not as good as I was expecting or hoping.

Things other people rave about, I think well it was alright.

I think I suffer from wanting my life to be a film, or a book, with constant hightened emotion and wonderful scenes of epiphany(?), and really it's just pottering about with my family, which I know IS wonedrful but I keep waiting for SUPER wonderfulness.

This seems like spoiltness when writing it, but it feels more like I just live in my imagination. The imagining of events is wonderful, the remembering them is wonderful, but the actaul moment is just ordinary.

I live a lot in my head

but i think you are right, you have to have a mix of living in your head and living a bit in reality

is there something you can really immerse yourself in? it's quite hard to find something like that (a hobby? like swimming, or reading or watching films?) - something where you have to physically NOT be in your head but in the moment

I love those activities and I'm sure it's because I'm a live in my head person and those activities make me focus on something else if that makes sense

although I don't plan like you do. I'm a disorganised in my head person .

perhaps you need to be a bit more spontaneous? could you cope with spontaneity?

and you are setting yourself up to fail really which must be a constant sense of disappointment

have you tried NOT imagining an event in advance? really forcing yourself to think of something else? or perhaps doing the opposite and downplaying the event in your head so that it (more often than not) exceeds your expectations?

I can relate to that. I find myself critical of any given moment, or event - I feel a detached observer rather than immersed in the moment. I have a constant internal dialogue which appraises and rationalises!

I fear I suffer quite a vanity, in that I expect my life to do something.. that somehow I am destined to 'be someone', whereas in actual fact I'm just a thirty-something mother of two who doesn't have much inclination to do anything beyond sit on the sofa most nights .

Have you done any personality tests? I did Myers Briggs recently (am still reserved as to whether it's all phooey) but my 'type' emerged as a clear dreamer, more fixated on what could be rather than the here and now. I'm sure it's a personality trait - I've always been the same..

Just to add to FoxinSocks comment - the only thing I've found which takes me out of my head (mostly) is my hobby, which is dancing! Do you feel like this about most things?

My hobbies are 'in my head' type hobbies, like reading. I am an obsessive reader, which of course takes me away from my reality.

I decided to give up redaing last year to try to engage more immediately with the things around me. But I failed.

I also love MN, and can become so absorbed in these in your head conversations and realtionships.

I am also in Rl very socialable, a real organiser, very excitable and optimistic and quite spontaneous-I get very enthusiastic about projects but the reality of the nitty gritty dull organising eventually bores me- I am always starting things and not finishing them.

I want life to be larger than life I think.

I could try not imagining things, I'll give it a go but it will be quite hard.

I even imagine conversations, and then I'm disapointed when others don't know thier 'lines' and say something crappy instead.

Eg it's my 40th party soon, I've planned it in great detail, I've planned my speech which I imagine will be demanded of me, i've imagined my best friends speech which I imagine she will want to give, and if she's not as funny I think she's going to be it'll be disappointing.

now I sound really nutty. I'm glad this is the internet and just in our heads.

Brideshead, I think you may be me!
(Or I am you)

Oh yes! dancing is another of my hobbies!

But I'm quite in my head while dancing, imagining dancing in differnt situations in front of different people etc evaluating the situation while I'm dancing.

Bloody hell I need to get a grip, I didn't realise I was quite this bad!

Manna we are one!

Surely we're not the only ones though? this level of self indulgenec must be more widespread?? grasps at straws

I'm not sure I imagine quite as much as you. But OH I can relate to the lack of finishing projects. Very very muchly.

Are you quite perceptive - in terms of how other people are feeling? I have just noticed that I have a tendancy to focus on the person, and what they might be feeling, rather on what they actually say.. which usually means I miss half the conversation!

lol you mad things

I think appraising your plans like that in your head all the time must be quite hard. My in the head moments are quite divided from reality and proper day dreams - sort of things I'd quite like to happen or situations I never get to be in (my dreams focus around happiness and peace!). Perhaps I've just been disappointed so many times lol.

so, your 40th, if you didn't imagine your best friend's speech, what could you fill that space with in your head? or will it just keep going round until you imagine her speech?

Does your DP suffer because of this?

My dh is very lovely, I know this but somehow he's never quite got it right or I'm not entirely satisfied. and then I know people with real dingbat Dh's that they seem to adore.

I am afraid it is that vanity thing you describe, I somehow feel that my life should be extraordinary instead of just the very pleasant ordinarines that it is.

Oh dear, as the level of my self indulgence becomes apparent to me, I feel rather depressed.

No I listen intently to what people say, and then also remember it all, which seems to freak them out.

I am very interetsred in people and what makes them tick, I love to find out everyones issues and history, I ask endless questions. I find self contained closed people infuriating.

Brideshead, let's not think of it as self-indulgence - since that is, indeed, very depressing. My DP has just given up on me, I think. And other people ARE fascinating! (especially the non self-indulgent ones - how do they do it?)

do you work Brideshead?

perhaps you need something to harness all this energy!

Brideshead and Mannamead - we are three! I've been thinking about this too, so much recently. Your original post describes me to a tee. Frustrating, isn't it?!

(Yes, I love planning, especially holidays and special events, and I love reading, TV, MN and dancing. Sppoooky!)

So, are either of you only children - I think that has a lot to do with how I am, though not what I can do about it.

And are either of you any good at finishing things, or are you, like me, brilliant starters . . . . .

Great thread! Don't worry about those who just don't get it! You are who you are, and you are pretty wonderful and unique etc etc. But it would be great to develop some strategies together as to how to hook into reality a bit, whilst doing all that wonderful planning!

But not now. Gotta go!

Brideshead... you sound like perfect writer material tbh You've pretty much described my head and am now channelling the "extraordinary" into character's lives instead of my own Planning comes in very handy there too, as does being interested in people and learning what makes them tick.

I spent a lot of time being miserable trying to stop myself imagining things. Now I happily indulge knowing that it will feed into the writing somewhere and am definitely a more content person because of it.

yes but setting everything up in your real life to fail to live up to your own expectations can only result in unhappiness

I can imagine things, and really think through and disect poeples motives, but I can't write for toffee.

I could probably write dialogue. infact i think i'd write well for tv. often when i watch a soap or programme I will think it wasn't real, or true enough and I'll spend ages rewriting the dialogue in my head to be more reflective of the character or more dramatic, I oftne think I could have done a better job.

I do work, fox, in a job that is quite time consuming and which everyone thinks sounds very interesting, but I have little interst in it and spend very little time thinking abot work.

I am the person who gets so carreid away with an idea, and want to implement thinsg immediately and persuades everyone else that we must do it, it will be brilliant, but then looses interst as the jobs such as applying for visa's or booking venues and general form filling become involved much to the annoyance of everyone else.

I volunteer for all sorts of things and I'm on so many committees but then I hate the reality of going to meetings and wish I'd never volunteered.

I am a nightmare. luckily my Dh likes my enthusiasm and optimism so puts up with my flakeyness.

You need this then: Screenwriter's Bible